Inspired by another thread 
If we’re so critical of people having jehaiz demands, why is expecting a barri okay?
Do future in-laws have to give their DIL as many or as expensive clothes and jewellery as they gift their daughters, other DILs and do they have to keep the jewellery count equal?
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By the way, I like the idea of the barri. You are welcoming this girl into your home, and I guess "adorning her" is a way to express the love and excitement for her.
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i didn't have expectations until i saw that my BIL's (husband's bro's) wife got her choice of styles/colors (i didn't), got better quality, and more in quantity...
and that MIL made her daughter a nicer dress for my wedding than she did for me (as the bride!)
i think anyone would feel bad about that...
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that's good that the MIL knows she did something wrong and tried to make up for it- and that they have a good relationship now..
i feel that the opposite is happening to me tho.. that MIL and i are having a disconnect in our relationship now- that we used to get along better before the wedding... i'll never get over that shaadi dress she made me.. it was nothing even close to what i asked for/what we discussed. or anything close to looking like a wedding dress at all!
she also brought me 2 ugly, ill-fitting joras for BIL's wedding fxns (never asked my preference of style/color for that either, or for that matter if i even wanted joras from her)... i think she is trying to make me look bad on purpose... i can't figure out why... her daughter, however, looked great on those events too
it really hurts my feelings..
a little off topic, but this is what happens when the barris aren't equal
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^ I’m so sorry to hear that. 
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aww thanks 
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When I think of Jahaiz, I think more along the lines of furniture, and appliances, and dishes and stuff like that. So the clothes/jewelry given to a girl (by her parents), I dont see that as jahaiz....I kind of just see that as a gift from her parents to her (as they are solely for her use), and also for her to use right after she gets married to dress up and what not. At least that is how I feel about it, but I could be wrong about the REAL definition.
As for the barri, I see that in the same category as the clothes/jewelry given to a girl by her parents.
But I do think that people should try to be just, and give equally to DIL's. I know a daughter is different than a DIL (no matter what anyone says), but at least between DIL's be equal, cause otherwise it causes ill feelings between them.
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Are people careful to spend as much on the groom as a "gift" as is given to the bride or expected for the bride?
I know people gift a sherwani, suit, watch and salami to the groom - but is it equal in value to what is given to the bride (her clothes and jewellery)?
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^probably not, but people often give gifts to the groom's family too.
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I think it would eventually come up to being equal if you get good quality items (suits, shoes, watch, rings, cufflinks, ties, belts, handkerchiefs)- plus you have to get gifts to the groom's family and it's often large. And it also depends on how much a person can afford, whether it is the bride or the groom. E.g. the groom's family might be more well off and therefore capable of giving a better bari, whereas the bride's family might have to budget between arranging for the venues as well as the salaami gifts.
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can somebody explain to me what barri and jahaiz is..?
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The groom's family gifts the bride several formal outfits (as well as make-up, toiletries, purses, shoes, etc). These outfits usually include the wedding and/or valima clothes. Not sure why, but the number of outfits gifted is usually an odd number, usually ranging between 7 and 11. This is the barri.
The jahez can refer to anything the bride's family gives her to take with her to her new home. For some family this means only her new clothes made for use after the wedding. Traditionally it has also included furniture and household supplies.
Re: Barri expectations
The groom's family gifts the bride several formal outfits. These outfits usually include the wedding/valima clothes. Not sure why, but the number of outfits gifted is usually an odd number, usually ranging between 7 and 11. This is the barri.
The jahez can refer to anything the bride's family gives her to take with her to her new home. For some family this means only her new clothes made for use after the wedding. Traditionally it has also included furniture and household supplies.
ahh thanks
Is it bad that I just want my wedding dress perfect and not care about anything else? I would be the last and youngest bride of their family and I don't really know what to expect so I'm going to have no expectations that way I won't be disappointed :D
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^ I think that's pretty normal. I wonder if they'll let you do it yourself, since you are not the first.
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^ I think that's pretty normal. I wonder if they'll let you do it yourself, since you are not the first.
Well I wouldn't do it all by myself ofc I would have my SO and my MIL with me when wedding shopping and since she listens to my SO and he listens to me I think I can get what I want.
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No they don't have to and usually they don't.. My in laws had a set budget and told me to buy everything myself within that budget. It included valima dress, some formal outfits, and jewelry.I could have bought 3dresses or 30, it was unto me!
I took my sil shopping with me out of respect n courtesy but it was all my choice! I was the youngest bahu in family of 6 so I guess by that time they were all worn out with shopping so left it all on me. :D my sister was the second bah in the same family and she was given money to buy her valima outfit on,y..they did the rest! So I guess it depends on your number too. :D
My sisters in law were given more clothes n jewelry but I don't even compare with it..the key to good relationship is not to expect much..the more expectations you have, the more disappointed you will be!
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I always thought that quality of bari (and the wedding altogether) largely depends on the groom's financial situation. For example, if brother X now earns more than his brother Y, who got married five years ago, by default more money will be allocated for the bari of brother X's wife, hence the barri will supposedly be better in most ways.
Usually the wedding budget is provided by the groom or comes from family savings, MILs aren't necessarily paying from their own pockets for these kinds of things, but I guess favouritism does play a role as well.
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^ i think that can also depend on how old the groom in question is and how long he's been working.
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I think ppl don't like the jahayz because it's become any excuse to pick on the bride in some of the more backward aspects of our culture. So if a girl doesn't give "enough" her in-laws treat her less. And because we go to our in-laws, we're vulnerable if they don't want to treat us well. Also, if we go back to the fact that our culture is rooted in our religion, the wife is not expected to bring any financial contribution to the wedding day. The guy is expected to provide for her in order to "afford" being able to marry her. Jahayz is more related to the dowry system enforced by hindus. We just adopted as a way to ensure that the parents could send things for the comfort of the bride in her new home. As my mom said when she was buying me random things like potato peelers, "you'll cry without these things" lol
Also, Barri is kind of an informal part of the mahr, and since every outfit you wear and all your clothes and jewellery and makeup will only make you prettier for their son, most in-laws are not losing anything by giving it to you. It goes back to their own house, so to speak.
I understand that brides do get upset about not receiving the same as another sister-in-law or daughter-in-law, but if you take a zen approach to things, it helps. I think these things are a question of what's written for you, or what you're meant to have. If you believe that everything has a way of evening out, and what you don't get today, you'll get from somewhere else, it's better for your mental health. If you accept that sometimes there are things like the family's finances at the specific time of your marriage, or maybe the guy is contributing, or any of the other suggestions above, it'll help you from harming your relationship with your in-laws. OMG. Zen Bride topic. thanks guys. this forum is awesome.
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actually that "hindu" culture you're speaking of is your culture unless you have no ancestors that moved from india to pakistan.
I believe there are many couples who don't live with their in-laws so in the end the gifts they give to the bride doesn't go back to them nor should it but I do agree people shouldn't compare with others and just be grateful although what your in-laws give you may give you a hint to how they think about you, you shouldn't be hindered by it.
A gift always shows what a persons intentions were doesn't it?
If they are ugly and do not fit you then obviously they don't care
but if the gift is beautiful and fits right you are to be treated as a jewel..
thats just my opinion anyway