Barf ka Bosa

[madz124]

Narm gul-rukh gaaloN pe
Sardiyon ke mausam maiN
Gudgudaahat hoti hai
Aasmaan ki nagri se
An-chui si madhosh-kun
Shafaaf barf
Jab chu jaati hai!
Coat maiN
Garmi senktay haath
Laal hote gaaloN ko
Phir pyar se sehlaatay haiN
Munjamid si duniya maiN
Zindagi thirak uthti hai!
Kitna pyara lagta hai
Tumhare sard gaaloN pe
Uss samay pighalta saa
Sindoori rang bharta saa
Barf ka mehrubaan bosa!

Written By: Pari

[muqawwee123]

Re: Barf ka Bosa

nice :k:

[KKF]

Re: Barf ka Bosa

@madz124

Narm gul-rukh gaaloN pe Sardiyon ke mausam maiN Gudgudaahat hoti hai Aasmaan ki nagri se An-chui si madhosh-kun Shafaaf barf Jab chu jaati hai! Coat maiN Garmi senktay haath Laal hote gaaloN ko Phir pyar se sehlaatay haiN Munjamid si duniya maiN Zindagi thirak uthti hai! Kitna pyara lagta hai Tumhare sard gaaloN pe Uss samay pighalta saa Sindoori rang bharta saa Barf ka mehrubaan bosa!

Written By: Pari

nice Madz...waah...kia baat hai sardiyoN ke mausam kii feelings kaa...ab to sardiyoN kaa mausam aa gayaa hai...aaj raat ko storm bhii aa rahaa hai...ThanDak kii chubhti Tees se boohli bisrii yaadeN jaag uThtii haiN. :)

agar buraa na maaneN to do ek baateN kah sakuuN?

[madz124]

Re: Barf ka Bosa

haha a storm is coming. ahem, ji zaroor, irshaad.

[KKF]

Re: Barf ka Bosa

haha a storm is coming. ahem, ji zaroor, irshaad.

@madz124

Narm gul-rukh gaaloN pe Sardiyon ke mausam maiN Gudgudaahat hoti hai Aasmaan ki nagri se An-chui si madhosh-kun Shafaaf barf Jab chu jaati hai! Coat maiN Garmi senktay haath Laal hote gaaloN ko Phir pyar se sehlaatay haiN Munjamid si duniya maiN Zindagi thirak uthti hai! Kitna pyara lagta hai Tumhare sard gaaloN pe Uss samay pighalta saa Sindoori rang bharta saa Barf ka mehrubaan bosa!

Written By: Pari

ok..since it's an 'aazaad nazam' i don't have much to say because meter and weight doesn't come into play too much. there are other forms of nazam where you have to strictly follow those poetic restraints.

however, from linguistic finesse POV, i would like to add a few things as follows:

-gul-ruKh gaaloN = gul jaise chehre waale gaal = how about narm surKh ruKhsaar?
-gudgudaahat = gudgudii
-aasmaan kii nagrii se = nagar vahaN basta hai jahaN aabaadii hotii hai is liye = aasmaan kii balandii se?
-madhosh kun = hosh rubaa?
-shafaaf = shaffaaf
-garmii seNkte huye = seNkhe huye garm haath?
-munjamid sii dunyaa meN = mujamid manaazir meN
-samai = waqt? i would go with the word 'lamhe'
-pighaltaa saa = pighaltaa huaa?
-sindoorii rang bhartaa saa = sindoorii rang bhartaa huaa?
-mehrubaan = mehrbaan?

of course, you have the full freedom to adopt to these suggestions or to ignore! :) simply, my 2-3 cents! :D

[madz124]

Re: Barf ka Bosa

Thanks, KKF.

I like lamhe and hosh-ruba.

Shafaaf / shaffaaf = same thing, no? I wouldn’t worry too much about exact punctuation on an online forum, as long as people can make out the word.

I wouldn’t go with rukhsaar because this poem is written for a guy and rukhsaar just sounds too girly.

And believe it or not, I actually had “hua” instead of “saa” before but somehow saa sounded better to me. lol sorry! I wanted the poem to have a very informal feel while still sounding sophisticated. Does that make sense? Like I purposely didn’t want it to sound too academically perfect.

Is it mehrbaan or mehruban? I’m not sure. In my family, we say mehrubaan with a “paish”.

You’re correct, nagar wahan jahan aabaadi. And haven’t you heard, chaand main pariyan rehti hain?

[KKF]

Re: Barf ka Bosa

@madz124

Thanks, KKF.

welcome!

I like lamhe and hosh-ruba.

thanx for liking!

Shafaaf / shaffaaf = same thing, no? I wouldn’t worry too much about exact punctuation on an online forum, as long as people can make out the word.

i just wanted to point out that the letter ‘Fe’ has a tashdeed on it…[two fe’s]

I wouldn’t go with rukhsaar because this poem is written for a guy and rukhsaar just sounds too girly.

ok. sure…makes sense.

And believe it or not, I actually had “hua” instead of “saa” before but somehow saa sounded better to me. lol sorry! I wanted the poem to have a very informal feel while still sounding sophisticated. Does that make sense? Like I purposely didn’t want it to sound too academically perfect.
**
wow! achchhaa jii…‘saa’ bahtar lagaa to yaqeenan aisaa hii rakhiye kiuN k shaa’irii jazbaat kii 'akkaasii kartii hai. :)**

Is it mehrbaan or mehruban? I’m not sure. In my family, we say mehrubaan with a “paish”.
**
actually, RE is silent [saakin]. there is no harkat on it which most people just can’t pronounce the way it should be…it’s like the words shehr [sheh-r], zehr [zeh-r] mehr [meh-r].

mahr+baan = mehrbaan
**
You’re correct, nagar wahan jahan aabaadi. And haven’t you heard, chaand main pariyan rehti hain?

lol…chanda maamaa bhii to kahte hai lol…vaise barf chaand se nahiiN girti ;)…Khair.

good that you thought about those possibilities and we had some academic discourse! thank you.

[madz124]

Re: Barf ka Bosa

Barf chaand se nahi girti magar sitaaron ke aage jahaan aur bhi hain. Technically speaking, theek hai baadalon se hoti hai. But muhaawratan tu hum yun bhi bolte hain na, aasman se meen (baarish) baras rahi hai / aasman ro raha hai ... same way that someone says, aasmani (blue) rung hai aasmani aankhon ka... magar aasman ka rung blue hota hai kya? Do you see my point?

I agree sentence structure should be correct. But I don't think ideas/imagination should necessarily be perfect.

[KKF]

Re: Barf ka Bosa

Barf chaand se nahi girti magar sitaaron ke aage jahaan aur bhi hain. Technically speaking, theek hai baadalon se hoti hai. But muhaawratan tu hum yun bhi bolte hain na, aasman se meen (baarish) baras rahi hai / aasman ro raha hai ... same way that someone says, aasmani (blue) rung hai aasmani aankhon ka... magar aasman ka rung blue hota hai kya? Do you see my point?

I agree sentence structure should be correct. But I don't think ideas/imagination should necessarily be perfect.

i like your phrase...'sitaaroN se aage jahaN aur bhii haiN'...good! :)

haN vo to hai. moHaavaratan to bolaa jaataa hai :) i got your point! :)

btw, did you mean meena? aasmaan se meenaa barastii hai?

Hindi meN bhii ek lafz is se miltaa jultaa hai aur vo bhii kasrat se bolaa jaataa hai aur vo hai 'aasmaan se meh barasnaa'...meh = baarish kaa paanii aur meghaa = baadal :)

[Pakistani_Prince]

Re: Barf ka Bosa

Excellent job , wondrful effort, mdz. I thnk u should hav usd Urdu Wordz like Lamha, sama ki jaga. And kalil Sahab, i agree to what u said. Yaha GS par tou Saray Poet Phr rahy han.

[madz124]

Re: Barf ka Bosa

ji ji wohi matlab tha.

ok going to sleep now. gnite

[KKF]

Re: Barf ka Bosa

me too...good night...shab ba Khair shubh raatri :)