Baree vs. Jehez

Lifestyle Wedding, Fashion & Beauty
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Re: Baree vs. Jehez

If I was to give a gift to someone who means alot to me, I would buy them what they would love and want to use/wear. I wouldn't just go to a dollar store and get the crappiest thing I can find. The thoughts put into a gift shows how much you care. Im sure most of us aren't needy or greedy, and Alhumdulillah can afford pretty much anything we want (okay maybe not everything but alot of things) and don't need to depend on our mothers in law to give them to us. Like I mentioned before in my post, I wouldn't be angry but a bit disappointed. Honestly, Im buying my own stuff for jahez, my parents will get me anything I want and so will my husband. I don't have expectations from my inlaws.. the 7 or 10 or whatever number of clothes in baree aren't gonna change my life, the gold set for me isn't gonna make me a millionaire, the makeup gifts aren't gonna make my dresser compete with a mac store. But it's not necessary that every girl should think that way. This may not be your right but it is a tradition at weddings, it's a HUGE part of our culture. Why would we have gift exchanging if it didn't have a meaning attached to it? It's sad that people have turned it into a business by demanding stuff but the important idea of a baree is to give gifts to the girl who is about to enter your family. And giving crappy stuff doesn't speak very highly about the intentions.
I don't buy this whole crap about oh look at the bigger picture (that's just a lame excuse for ignoring what's going on) or oh yeah your mil's being cheap in an obvious way but don't worry about it because she means well. Im sure there are MILs who don't do it on purpose and just have bad taste to begin with but there ARE those who just buy stuff because they HAVE to and not because they want to. I have seen the nicest of MILs going shopping and buying everything with so much love.. my bahu will like this or I want to give my bahu the prettiest stuff.
It's not just about wanting stuff but rather the sentiment attached to the baree.

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Hmm .. I thought nowadays all girls buy their baree themselves, no? Well its the custom where we come from at least. 12 yrs ago my Mamu got married and his wife did all the baree shopping during the nikkah with my mum as she is the eldest. However, my mother wasnt able to be there for the rukhsati, so the baree shopping was then done by my aunts (khala and mumani). They unlike my mum chose to do it the old-fashioned way - buying the baree of their choice. The dulhan didnt appreciate much actually, because everyone has different taste afte all. My bhabhi did all her baree shopping along with my mum and no restrictions were set on her (obviously she has set a standard which will apply to my future bhabhies too as we have tradition to give equally to all bahus). She bought everything she wanted. I think its best to do so, because that way the dulhan is happy too and the inlaws dont waste money either. When inlaws buy the cheap stuff and the dulhan doesnt wear it, its a waste. So rather not have the waste.

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Totally agree with this. I would just like to reiterate that just because a girl is disappointed on what she got from the in-laws, doesn't mean she's materialistic or catty, or that she shouldn't get upset or make a big deal as some are saying. We have a right to feel how we want! You can't control emotions.

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Pareezay - You took the words right out of my mouth!

That's exactly what I meant when I said I was a little disapointed. I'm not disapointed because I didn't get the clothes I wanted (10 blah outfits are not the end of the world). Alhumdolilah I have the means to buy myself any outfit I want....its more of a disaspointment because there is a special sentiment attached to the baree. And it's true, we aren't greedy, we just have feelings...

Full Time Masti - May 2013
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Im doing my own Jahez shopping .. is that normal?
I dont know much about the pakistani traditions as Im only half paki ...

I have no idea whatsoevaaa what im getting in the baree thing .. my MIL is a sweetheart tho .. i hope she's getting nice stuff :)

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So why get married into a family where the MIL is cheap enough to intentionally give you hideous clothes....it just implies that she doesn't care enough about you to give you the best that she can afford. Why get married into such a family?

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If your future in-laws do take your opinion into consideration, it definitely helps build a better relationship. I'll be getting engaged in a few weeks inshallah and my future MIL asked my mom if I'd like to get something from Toronto (as she lives in California), I told my mom, "there is no way I'll like anything here". So my mom suggested that since I order my clothes from Pakistan on a regular basis, I'll order the engagement outfit too. And apparently, my MIL was thrilled. That of course elevated the level of respect I have for her as clothes are very important to me. I know some girls on this forum don't really care but I do. If you care about what you wear on a daily basis, you DEFNITELY care about what you wear on an important occassion in your life :-)

Naya KPK | Initiatives & Progress
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^ hey CONGRATULATIONS, missy!!!! i'm so happy for you! :)

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^ Thanks hun!

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Some don't get to pick the in-laws; they come with the package. Besides, these types of situations tend to creep up AFTER the rishta is pakka - No one really knows up front how their in-laws will really be ... or what they will bring...or how they will interact with the girl/girl's family....ONLY WITH TIME can one tell. Besides, I don't think the issue here is getting married 'into a family where the MIL is cheap' - There are a lot of cheap mother in-laws out there. And giving ones as well. No one is perfect. The issue is there are feelings/sentiments attached to the little traditions/rasams that we hold dear as is the case with the baree/jahaz. The days leading up the marriage are really special for a girl, so everything matters and I don't know about you guys but I was extra sensitive about everything. The whole marriage experience tends to make girls really sensitive.

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these are all really good things to remember for those of us with brothers who will one day get married and bring home wives! talk to your moms and make sure they're fair and shop for their DIL's the way they'd shop for you!

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I know exactly what you mean by being emotional. I am usually not very open about my feelings but I couldnt stop crying on very little things just days before my wedding. My mother didn't know how to deal with me. It's funny when I think about it now but really, anything and everything leading upto the wedding makes you really sensitive.

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Or..if ure already married...it's a good time to take your revenge :@:

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Very sensitive and emotional---uve been waiting years and years for it--designing ur gharara in ur mind since the age of 5...going to weddings and dreaming of ur own...You have just one chance--if u dont get the perfect wedding dresses, you will never be able to get them again.

You have this perfect picture in ur mind and if someone comes to mess it up (such as the dreaded MIL intentionally choosing clothes u dont want to wear/imposing her will)---it hurts an unbelievable amount and NOTHING can really make up for it and I doubt any bride truuuuuuly forgives something that caused her so much pain and humiliation.

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Its totally normal Leha to buy your own stuff.

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Re: Baree vs. Jehez

Im getting married after 6 months. My mum is making all the stuff according to my choice and buying whatever i like. ofcourse all mums do that ehehe..
on the other hand.. my MIL has a very good fashion sense.. so im not too worried..

though i like light stuff.. so im buying those myself.. and my MIL loves heavy clothes..but a good taste.. so im sure ill get plenty of those.. i aint buying heavy stuff myself..im buying only casuals..

so im gonna be happy with the jahez and baree =D inshAllah

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Good advice, sgc. My brother is getting married and my mother is going to Pakistan to make the clothes and we suggested why not let the bride buy her own bari outfits. But my mother said that she had been dreaming of making her bahu's bari one day and that "mera shauk hai." Mom has excellent taste and my sister is going with her to help her. We're having a lot of fun planning our SIL's outfits, treating it exactly as if it were our turn over again. As much as it would be convenient to get the bride to do her own shopping, a lot of MILs have that desire to prepare a bari and experience that rasm. But the caveat is that not all MILs have good taste.

I really would discourage brides from getting too emotional over the bari thing. I got upset when after my nikah, my MIL sent utter crap. She sent me an old gold set of hers with a piece of tissue stuck in the ring, a couple of casual outfits made of potato sack burlap (I kid you not), and an old artifical set of hers that was actually broken and rusted. I felt so bad afterward for months and I complained and cried to my fiance, who kind of felt stuck in the middle. But when the rukhsati rolled around, she made me a beautiful bari and a drop dead gorgeous valima outfit. Sure there were some misses in the bari, but plenty of hits. Even the "bad" outfits, I made a point of wearing around the house when she was living with us, just so that she got the idea that I used all of the outfits (I started doing that when she kept asking why I didn't wear XYZ outfit she got me). Sometimes, you have to make that sacrifice. And truthfully, looking back, I feel like such a fool even making an issue out of something that has not been a remote factor of my happiness in my marriage.

The thing is it is best not to have any expectations, that way you are not disappointed. What would you do if you were marrying the guy of your dreams but his family was really backwards or simple or dare i say, paindu? Not marry the guy? If you see your SILs wearing junk all the time, don't expect to have the best bari. Clothes aren't the end of the world and you have freedom in your jahez to make what you please. The whole concept of jahez and bari are outdated, especially now that fashions change at lightning speed. In the old days, you'd see the uniform every auntie had: shalwar, kameez, zari dupatta. Some of the frugal girls actually had a plain shalwar kameez made with their shaadi dupatta just so they could get some usage out of it. When I got married 10 years ago, there were no pantsuits around, antique jewelry was nonexistant, no stones/sequins/diamantes (colored dabka was the hot trend), pishwaz were severely out. If I were delusional into thinking that the bari was the end all, I'd be bitterly disappointed. If we indulge heavily in our jahez and bari, within 5 years, I can guarantee your clothes won't feel as stylish as you thought they would.

The best thing my MIL did was not stitch all of the outfits. Along with kaam walay, she gave me plenty of suits that were made of nice fabrics. That was a saving grace because as time went by, I slowly get them stitched according to the fashions. I got married 10 years ago, and right after my wedding, pants started coming into fashion. They were so new, that many designers and tailors hadn't made them yet. But I found a guy willing to tackle the job, gave him my MILs unstitched fabric and voila, had a super fashionable outfit made. If anything, request that, because you will then have the possibility of tinkering with the clothes to make them fashionable.

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I'm with PSquared here girls.

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wel i was lucky in my case my MIL took me along with her to pick out my 25 suites, the valima outfit and jewelary down to the purse shoes and nightware.. but sumwer along the way i guess maybe cuz i cudnt openly demand for wat i liked better and had to go with her suggestions too, sum of my clothes dint turn out as nice as my jahez cuz on my moms side i had complete control.. i guess it just depends on everyones difference in taste and we often get offended if we dnt like wat we get cuz it doesnt meet our standards.. the best thing to do incase u dnt like ur bari is save those jore til last wear ur own jahez clothes first and hopefully by the time u need to wear those clothes the fashon wud hav probably changed:P

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bari and jahez is a small issue on my SIL wedding her inlaws didnt even take her for her valima ka jora they didnt bother asking wat colour she wanted to wear or if she liked a sharara or gharara they picked it out themselves even the jewelary which clearly looked like it was frm the 80s and they got her makeup done frm sum women who came home wen we saw her at the function she looked hideous the poor girl was dressed in an oversized shocking orange with printed green and brown flowers tat they added work over her shirt had this spiderman affect cuz it had sum net tat looked like a spidersweb. her dupatta borders had huge brown green and champaign stones and wen i say huge i mean 3 inch big rectangle cut stones linedup together all ova the borders of the dupatta it was just sad and i cud tel on her face how bad she was feeling herself... i personaly cnt even imagine a jora worse then wat i had seen, howeva her inlaws cudnt stop bragging about how amazing she was looking?...
u get married once in a lifetime the pictures the videos r memories ppl cherish .. one mistake and ur stuck wid it for life!!