I went to my fiance’s house yesterday and his mom showed me the baree clothes she got me. Now, I don’t want to sound like I am complaining, but to be honest, there was a huge difference in quality in the clothes she got me and the ones my mother got me for jehez.
My mother got me the most BEAUTIFUL jehez clothes, I almost fainted when I saw them…they are THAT gorgeous and my mother had NO ONE to help her shop or bargain. She did everything on her own.
My MIL on the other hand went to Lahore where I hear there is actually better quality stuff at better prices, but still brought back really cheap stuff. Here’s the thing, it’s not about the amount of money she spent, because I prefer QUALITY over QUANTITY. She got me 10 outfits. I’d rather that she had gotten me 2 or 3 good quality outfits then 10 cheap ones.
Even the clothes my mom bought for my fiance’s sisters and mother were MUCH better quality than what my MIL got for me and my mother.
Has this happend to anyone else? I really don’t want to sound like I’m complaining (even though I probably am) but I’m REALLY PICKY about my clothes and I only like good quality and stylish clothes.
Did you guys get better clothes in baree or jehez or both? Just curious I guess. :S
I think everyone's choice n taste in fashion is different. Obviously your mother would buy you the best of the best because you're her daughter. But maybe your MIL tried to get you what she thought was the best. I understand what you mean though. I despise any desi clothes given as gifts!
CA you are not alone. This happens to alot of girls. I have seen it happen to my friends, cousins, etc.
Dont worry about it too much. Once you are married, it will be your choice what to pack away and what to wear. Your MIL probably doesnt have the same taste as you and she got you really good stuff according to her standards. I remember my cousin locked away all her Baree outfits as soon as she got married. If the MIL insisted for her to wear them, she only wore them to the events in their family.
My mom got me everything I ever wanted - even leading up to the wedding, even though I gotten all of my baree clothes, I feel in love with 2-3 amazing outfits which my mom still scooped up.
The clothes my mother-in-law got were very cheap quality. You could tell she didn't spend the TIME or money to get the clothes. I would have prefered she gotten 2-3 ...heck EVEN 1 nice jora instead of the 10 crappy ones she got. I got nicer joras as gifts from family that were better quality than what she got me. They are still hanging in my closet. I think I wore 1 to make her happy.
Hey...in the end at least we got what we wanted from our mothers! ;)
Don't ever compare your mother/MIL. Things do not equal Love.
I could understand being upset if your MIL got high quality stuff for her daughters or herself but not you. But if that's not the case, it could just mean she has VERY different taste than your mom. You can't say for sure that she didn't put in any time/effort into buying the joray. Our generation may prefer quality over quantity but elders still hold "quantity" important..so if they want to give you alot of outfits, so be it. If it's her right to spend however much effort she wants on the outfits.....its equally your right not to wear them if you don't like them.
To answer your Question... i was less-than-thrilled with what I got, on both sides as a matter of fact. But I did wear alot of my baree stuff, it was only when my BIL's wife got a much nicer lengha/outfits that I started to feel the way u guys do.
my MIL paid me to make my walima dress,bari clothes and get the shoes,make up and bags of my own choice :halo: and she told she did that cuz she had never seen me wear the suits i got on my engagement or birthdays/eids during mangni time and she got the point we had different choices-so she felt she’d rather let me get my outfits,etc than spending on stuff that would go straight in suitcases forever like she had seen her daughters doing with their bari
You guys are right, I don't have to wear them, although I probably will just wear them if some of his relatives are coming over for dinner (they are not ugly...they are just not expensive and not as good quality). You can tell there wasn't much time/effort/money put into them. Also, my fiance's relatives are all VERY stylish people. They all wear really nice, expensive and stylish clothes. I wanted to have equally nice stuff to wear amongst them...if you get my drift.
Sara - I'm actually not upset about this, I'm more dissapointed. She isn't paying for my baree outfits (my fiance is). He gave her the money and she bought whatever she wanted with it.
Awwww and about your BIL's wife getting better stuff ....I've heard about things like that happening as well...it happened to my own mother as well.
I'm not gonna fret it. I was just hoping for some nice stuff...even if it was just 1 really funky gorgeous outfit instead of 10 blah outfits. Meh...I guess this is life (especially for us desi girls).
Last year for the Nikkah, my mother in law asked me if I prefered a designer or if I wanted to get my clothes from someone particular so she could order my baree clothes from them. She told me to choose my own designs and everything which was really nice of her. She just went to Pakistan last week and called me to ask if I wanted someone particular to make my clothes because she is bringing back gifts for me. Even when her family members send me presents, they ask her about my preference, and it surprises me how well she knows about my choices, that I prefer pants over shalwars or my sleeves length, everything.
Now after all that, and knowing my taste, if she still goes ahead and gets me crappy baree for the rukhsati, I am going to be pissed. Actually not pissed, just disappointed because for my jahez, I am buying all the clothes myself so Im gonna be happy with that. Honestly, I don't really expect anything from husband's side because it's not like I need it. If she asks me this time as well to pick my own stuff, that will be awesome.. if not, then that's okay because she has good choice herself.. and I always have the option of not wearing it.
I know there's that excitement factor attached to baree that omg, what will they bring but if they know what you like and still bring something you won't even look at twice, I would never wear it. This may sound mean but if they can't care enough to bring something which you like, I don't care to wear it to make anyone happy or to keep anyone's heart.
^but it's a delicate matter, your MIL can get annoyed/angry if you don't wear the clothes she bought you....although i think all MIL should just let their daughter in laws buy their own stuff with their own choice.
i have seen opposite cases where the bari had clearly been much better both in terms of quality and effort. and the families had been similar, no poor fam vs rich fam case.
but seriously dont worry about it. the biggest thing is that you are getting married to someone good, the rest is all bakwas. but if you are still concerned ...well just wear them in your house everyday lol. that way your mother in law/ husand is hapy coz you are wearing their clothes and you are happy because no one from outside is looking at you AND you have an excuse to get rid of them without feeling guilty.
^but it's a delicate matter, your MIL can get annoyed/angry if you don't wear the clothes she bought you....although i think all MIL should just let their daughter in laws buy their own stuff with their own choice.
I really wouldn't care. Like I said, despite of knowing what I prefer, if she's going to be cheap or buy crappy stuff, I won't wear them. If the MILs don't know and just buy they like then that's a different story. But if it's done on purpose then who cares if they get annoyed or angry.
Man, I wish I was this particular about my Jehez or Baree.
Im not trying to sound self-righteous here ladies...I promise. You have your entire life ahead of you to shop and spend as you please...why spend even a minute arguing or getting upset about these things? I really dont care if my MIL gets me one outfit or a million, what they look like or how much gold she gets me or what quality it is. I never even thought about what she was going to get me until someone else asked me about it. I wish I was pickier...maybe that would put more pressure on her to get me nicer stuff or something. But I keep thinking, who cares? I ask myself if it really matters to me...turns out it doesnt. I'd be happy if she gave me nothing at all...I am my own woman and dont need someone else to buy me clothes or gold to tell me how much I am worth to them.
You guys need to stop stressing about what you get in your Baree. If you want something done your way, do it yourself. If you like expensive clothes, buy them yourself. Dont expect others to spend just as much money on you as your mothers, fathers, fiances or even you do. It wont happen. A mother's love is unconditional...you cant compare it with your MIL's love for you!!! If you talk back to your mother, it wont show up in your Jehez...but if you do the same with your MIL...it will show up in your Baree. The two are incomparable.
If you have a MIL that does spend generously on you, that is a blessing! If not, its not something she is required to do...remember...these are all GIFTS...not your RIGHT. You cannot demand things from inlaws or expect them to give you tons of gifts and presents. You will be disappointed your whole life if you do and might even start to harbor negative feelings for them. Why do that?
My sincere advice to you Candy is to accept these GIFTS with grace, say thank you and be happy you even got something from her. This is the beginning of a new life for you, make every effort you can to start it out right. If you allow yourself to get annoyed with the clothes she gave you, you've already started out on the wrong foot. Ignore it, smile and show her you will not be a typical Bahu.
My MIL gave me sooo much stuff in my baree and truth be told, I havent worn even half of it. She didnt really know what my style was etc and also when she was in Pakistan she got sick so wasnt able to spend that much time in the stores so she had to do the shopping quickly and didnt have too many relatives there to help her. So I really didnt mind and wasnt disappointed when I got all the stuff that I knew right away I wouldnt wear. After marriage she has come to know my style more and when she wants to get stuff made for me she always asks me to give her a picture so she knows exactly what I want, and it turns out great. Meanwhile all the baree stuff is sitting in suitcases in my inlaws basement still, with the exception of maybe 7-8 suits that I kept and wear. But she isnt the type to mind at all that I never wore the rest of it. I appreciate the sentiment that went into the baree and never felt bad about any of it because Alhamdulillah I have everything I need already. just feel bad for the wastage of money that went into it and wish I could send it all back to Pakistan for some poor girls to benefit from as its all still brand new and in mint condition, just not my personal taste
You guys are right, I don't have to wear them, although I probably will just wear them if some of his relatives are coming over for dinner (they are not ugly...they are just not expensive and not as good quality). You can tell there wasn't much time/effort/money put into them. Also, my fiance's relatives are all VERY stylish people. They all wear really nice, expensive and stylish clothes. I wanted to have equally nice stuff to wear amongst them...if you get my drift.
Sara - I'm actually not upset about this, I'm more dissapointed. She isn't paying for my baree outfits (my fiance is). He gave her the money and she bought whatever she wanted with it.
Awwww and about your BIL's wife getting better stuff ....I've heard about things like that happening as well...it happened to my own mother as well.
I'm not gonna fret it. I was just hoping for some nice stuff...even if it was just 1 really funky gorgeous outfit instead of 10 blah outfits. Meh...I guess this is life (especially for us desi girls).
To be fair, my MIL did my shopping in Karachi while my nand did the shopping in Lahore and supposedly karachi has crappy /expensive stuff. And u know i wasted alot of time getting "garam" over it, in the end...it doesn't matter. I know someone who got a designer outfits from her in laws, but the ILs treat her like crap. so yeah, things don't equal Love.
Good to not fret it. u have the rest of your life to buy nice/stylish outfits. and if u think that they deliberately did that..u can make a big show of throwing them away or giving them away..if u really want to be mean, u can give it back to em as a gift. :D
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If you have a MIL that does spend generously on you, that is a blessing! If not, its not something she is required to do...remember...these are all GIFTS...not your RIGHT. You cannot demand things from inlaws or expect them to give you tons of gifts and presents. You will be disappointed your whole life if you do and might even start to harbor negative feelings for them. Why do that?
My sincere advice to you Candy is to accept these GIFTS with grace, say thank you and be happy you even got something from her. This is the beginning of a new life for you, make every effort you can to start it out right. If you allow yourself to get annoyed with the clothes she gave you, you've already started out on the wrong foot. Ignore it, smile and show her you will not be a typical Bahu.
[/QUOTE]
Agree with that. I have never seen gifts as something I deserve or have the right to expect, so even if its something that I might not like or ever use, I still always am grateful to the person giving it, for their expression of love and care. In the end if you will just focus on the material things, you will find your life very bleak. So look past the small things and see how beautiful and blessed your life really is!
Man, I wish I was this particular about my Jehez or Baree.
Im not trying to sound self-righteous here ladies...I promise. You have your entire life ahead of you to shop and spend as you please...why spend even a minute arguing or getting upset about these things? I really dont care if my MIL gets me one outfit or a million, what they look like or how much gold she gets me or what quality it is. I never even thought about what she was going to get me until someone else asked me about it. I wish I was pickier...maybe that would put more pressure on her to get me nicer stuff or something. But I keep thinking, who cares? I ask myself if it really matters to me...turns out it doesnt. I'd be happy if she gave me nothing at all...I am my own woman and dont need someone else to buy me clothes or gold to tell me how much I am worth to them.
You guys need to stop stressing about what you get in your Baree. If you want something done your way, do it yourself. If you like expensive clothes, buy them yourself. Dont expect others to spend just as much money on you as your mothers, fathers, fiances or even you do. It wont happen. A mother's love is unconditional...you cant compare it with your MIL's love for you!!! If you talk back to your mother, it wont show up in your Jehez...but if you do the same with your MIL...it will show up in your Baree. The two are incomparable.
If you have a MIL that does spend generously on you, that is a blessing! If not, its not something she is required to do...remember...these are all GIFTS...not your RIGHT. You cannot demand things from inlaws or expect them to give you tons of gifts and presents. You will be disappointed your whole life if you do and might even start to harbor negative feelings for them. Why do that?
My sincere advice to you Candy is to accept these GIFTS with grace, say thank you and be happy you even got something from her. This is the beginning of a new life for you, make every effort you can to start it out right. If you allow yourself to get annoyed with the clothes she gave you, you've already started out on the wrong foot. Ignore it, smile and show her you will not be a typical Bahu.
I think most of the time girls end up with a 'better' jahaiz because they actually have a lot of input and get clothes, jewelery, accessories to their taste. So in your opinion it may be better at the same time, your inlaws might think that the bari is better than the things u got from ur side.
In my case, a SIL of mine who lives in Lahore with 2 small kids and had a job while living in a combined household, decided to get the bari made so my husband sent her the money. She called me a few times from lahore to ask me what embroideries i like, the colors i like wearing, the styles i prefer (long/short shirt, capris/trousers/shalwar, sleeve length/sleeveless). so i know she was trying to do her best to purchase things to my liking. she would call me even while in the store to tell me she cant decide between a few things and wants to know what i prefer.
at the same time i had told my husband that i want to do my own shopping instead of his sister. however, i knew that his sister really wanted to be involved so i didnt mind at all specially when she wanted to involve me in the process. i still picked out my valima dress. at the end some of the things she got were gorgeous, some outfits i would never wear and so i will not wear them and they will remain in a suitcase or will be given as donations. from her side i know she tried, because she was extremely busy and on top of all of that had to arrange her own wedding outfits, and get outfits made for my other SIL who was coming from ny and needed dresses made for all the occasions. so i appreciate her going thru everything even though some of them may not be to my choice. and for those few dresses that i didnt like, oh well, honestly who cares!
there are dresses from both the bari and jahez that i havent worn yet either because i didnt like them or because i havent had the opportunity to wear them. either way, i havent been married even a year and i already know that i wanna get new dresses made and im sure u will all feel that way some point in ur life where u have looked at them more than enough times even if u havent worn them. so after marriage u can get ur own dresses made.
if u really care about making ur MIL happy knowing she would create problems for u otherwise, go ahead and wear those 'ugly' dresses in front of her and her family. if the dresses are really hideous, even her own relatives will make fun of her. :)
