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Excellent post :k:…exactly what I wanted to say.
Girls please don’t fret too much over clothes. If you don’t get clothes to your liking it’s not the end of the world!
And please do yourself a favor and never compare your mom’s to your mils.
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Re: Baree vs. Jehez
i dont think its about the clothes...rather about the attitude behind getting you the clothes they KNOW you will dislike..or look not your best in....i guess...its understandable...but its not the end of the world....
hey, us girls are used to this attitude anyway..so whats another 2-3 ladies..huh!
wear the ones you like...donate the rest...
its not like we are not capable of getting new clothes...
i feel like i am repeating myself here..but the concept of bari and jahez is totally outdated...its use was well applied back in the day..when the new dulhan did not have the liberty to get new clothes often..and had to wear/re-wear the bari/jahez clothes for years and years and years...
we are not at the mercy of our parents or our inlaws any more...
*my cousins who recently got married..have strictly gone against this rule..and bought their own clothes over time as events/shadis come up...
Re: Baree vs. Jehez
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i dont think its about the clothes...rather about the attitude behind getting you the clothes they KNOW you will dislike..or look not your best in....
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poor girl who is in that situation! the baree is nothing to be worried about, its the mil who would purposely get u something that she knows u wont like!!!!
i think if ever anyone does find the baree is not to their liking..dont jump to conclude it was done purposely...give the benefit of the doubt and move on..its not the end of the world and not worth the fight at the end of the day imo. better to buy your own clothes anyways
Re: Baree vs. Jehez
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there are dresses from both the bari and jahez that i havent worn yet either because i didnt like them or because i havent had the opportunity to wear them. either way, i havent been married even a year and i already know that i wanna get new dresses made and im sure u will all feel that way some point in ur life where u have looked at them more than enough times even if u havent worn them. so after marriage u can get ur own dresses made.
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ya thats important to remember...doesnt really make sense to get 100 outfits for your jahez and baree...because its not the last time you will be shopping ladies! for sure you will want to buy new things very soon anyways, even in ur baree/jahez is full of timeless elegant pieces that can be worn for years. truth be told most of us will never wear a suit more than a certain number of times! so why buy 101 outfits at once when chances are you wont want to wear them after a while or you wont get a chance to wear them all or the fashion will change or your size will change or your personal taste will change...etc!
Man, I wish I was this particular about my Jehez or Baree.
Im not trying to sound self-righteous here ladies...I promise. You have your entire life ahead of you to shop and spend as you please...why spend even a minute arguing or getting upset about these things? I really dont care if my MIL gets me one outfit or a million, what they look like or how much gold she gets me or what quality it is. I never even thought about what she was going to get me until someone else asked me about it. I wish I was pickier...maybe that would put more pressure on her to get me nicer stuff or something. But I keep thinking, who cares? I ask myself if it really matters to me...turns out it doesnt. I'd be happy if she gave me nothing at all...I am my own woman and dont need someone else to buy me clothes or gold to tell me how much I am worth to them.
You guys need to stop stressing about what you get in your Baree. If you want something done your way, do it yourself. If you like expensive clothes, buy them yourself. Dont expect others to spend just as much money on you as your mothers, fathers, fiances or even you do. It wont happen. A mother's love is unconditional...you cant compare it with your MIL's love for you!!! If you talk back to your mother, it wont show up in your Jehez...but if you do the same with your MIL...it will show up in your Baree. The two are incomparable.
If you have a MIL that does spend generously on you, that is a blessing! If not, its not something she is required to do...remember...these are all GIFTS...not your RIGHT. You cannot demand things from inlaws or expect them to give you tons of gifts and presents. You will be disappointed your whole life if you do and might even start to harbor negative feelings for them. Why do that?
My sincere advice to you Candy is to accept these GIFTS with grace, say thank you and be happy you even got something from her. This is the beginning of a new life for you, make every effort you can to start it out right. If you allow yourself to get annoyed with the clothes she gave you, you've already started out on the wrong foot. Ignore it, smile and show her you will not be a typical Bahu.
You go, girl! I am glad I someone else with this thought process exists on this planet - specially when we take desi girls into consideration...
PSq stole the words right outta my mouth so no point of repeating them..One thing that I do wanna say is that the reason our mothers' choices math our own is because they are OUR MOTHER..they have given birth to us and known us right from the day one...How can you expect anyone else to know you as much as your mother does?
ya thats important to remember...doesnt really make sense to get 100 outfits for your jahez and baree...because its not the last time you will be shopping ladies! for sure you will want to buy new things very soon anyways, even in ur baree/jahez is full of timeless elegant pieces that can be worn for years. truth be told most of us will never wear a suit more than a certain number of times! so why buy 101 outfits at once when chances are you wont want to wear them after a while or you wont get a chance to wear them all or the fashion will change or your size will change or your personal taste will change...etc!
no offense to anyone but i've seen girls who get those 50-60 something joray...and everything is just BLAH.
but if its your fiance aka future husband's money that is being spent by your MIL to get you the baree clothes then don't you think its unfair that they didnt consider your opinion or taste in teh matter because after all it is HIS money and you have the right to not let it go to waste.....what do you girls think then?
I am against not asking the girl's opinion in such matters ....yes yes the MIL's have their armaans to go and get clothes for their new bahu but lets be honest not everyone has the same taste as you and why take the chance so I think MIL's should at least be considerate enough to take the girl with her for baree shopping
Re: Baree vs. Jehez
^ hey..like some ppl said...if htey don't give a crap abt ur taste, then u can do the same and throw everything away later on.
^that's true but it would be frustrating if its your husband's money being used by them to buy you those cheapo clothes .....it would be less heartbreaking if the money was just the MIL's rather than your husband's
Kind of same thing happened to me and my husband also paid for everything !
But don't feel bad about it . In some families like my in laws they think the girl has no preference and it is them who can decide. For my valima dress they didn't even ask for colour preference. I myself and my mother told my MIL to not gt me any Saree as I don't wear saree but even then she got me one in baree. They just get clothes to show off baree , I also think about quality over quantity but the mentality behind it is that Haaa Haiiiii sirf 3 joray diye larki ko so they increase the no of clothes just to show off .
I got 45 dresses from my mom and I simply loved each one of them. Similary with makeup items I didn't depend on my inlaws I got myself everything I wanted.
It doesn't matter what your in laws are giving you , you have got what u wanted from you own family and you adore it so just enjoy it and don't spend your time in thinking ill abt baree. You have a whole life ahead and I am sure your husband will buy you things that you like and want.
Re: Baree vs. Jehez
Baree + Jahez = LAME and total waste of money. Make your own clothes once you're married!! Or just make 4 or 5 outfits to wear right after the wedding, then splurge all you want!! I am amazed at how catty some girls are on this forum! Jeez, it's just a couple of outfits, wear them once and then give them away. No need to be all vindicitive by refusing to wear what you get! It's just an outfit! I understand if it's a wedding outfit coz that's something special but to be so upset and catty about baree outfits......WOW
If you girls are unsure of what your MIL will get you, then why don't you just politely refuse the baree and let them know that you'd rather wait till after the wedding to go shopping? Or will the MIL get offended coz it's all about "showing off" the outfits at the wedding??
Re: Baree vs. Jehez
^ let's see how long your MIL waits to start snickering about you after u use ur methods :)
Baree these days is more like a gift to a bride. I don't know about anyone else here, but when I try to shop for a GIFT for SOMEONE ELSE, I try to figure out what the recipient likes and dislikes. So if you get a gift/bari outfit that u don't like, u don't have to wear it, that doesn't mean someone is being catty or mean. I don't go out in public wearing suspenders because they are hideous, likewise I wouldn't wear an outfit just cuz someone gave it to me specially since they didn't care to get me something I would actually like.
And yes it does suck even more if ur husband is paying for everything and ur MIL thinks she should just buy everything she likes. People aren't dumb, they know what they are doing when they buy something for u without asking and expect u to love it.
Baree + Jahez = LAME and total waste of money. Make your own clothes once you're married!! Or just make 4 or 5 outfits to wear right after the wedding, then splurge all you want!! I am amazed at how catty some girls are on this forum! Jeez, it's just a couple of outfits, wear them once and then give them away. No need to be all vindicitive by refusing to wear what you get! It's just an outfit! I understand if it's a wedding outfit coz that's something special but to be so upset and catty about baree outfits......WOW
If you girls are unsure of what your MIL will get you, then why don't you just politely refuse the baree and let them know that you'd rather wait till after the wedding to go shopping? Or will the MIL get offended coz it's all about "showing off" the outfits at the wedding??
Hmmmmm.......Your last paragraph I wouldn't really suggest any one to refuse Baree , it's not wise to mess up with your in laws over such petty issues. I would not mess up with my MIL over this. SOmetimes you just have to accept ! Plus someone rightly said that Baree is a GIFT and you don't have much choice or no choice to choose your gift. But later on , its your own choice to wear or not to wear....Inlaws think they have a right to tell u what u shd wear and what u shd not wear this also includes makeup. My SIL decided for herself that I will wear saree in the Kheer making rasam and she was sooo stubborn but then my hubby got into the conversation and ended it without anything being decided. People particularly inlaws just like to boss around and want to show how much incontrol you are under them. Let them feel that way , its a stupid feeling and yes you dont necessarily have to give the EXACT reason , you can say anything like it's too light coloured for the event or it wasn't ironed etc etc.
Remember , actions speakes louder than words ..... don't create problem for yourself by saying exactly what u r feeling. When I got married someone told me that apna mouth band rakhna aur kaan aur ankhen khuli rakhna !!!
^ let's see how long your MIL waits to start snickering about you after u use ur methods :)
Baree these days is more like a gift to a bride. I don't know about anyone else here, but when I try to shop for a GIFT for SOMEONE ELSE, I try to figure out what the recipient likes and dislikes. So if you get a gift/bari outfit that u don't like, u don't have to wear it, that doesn't mean someone is being catty or mean. I don't go out in public wearing suspenders because they are hideous, likewise I wouldn't wear an outfit just cuz someone gave it to me specially since they didn't care to get me something I would actually like.
And yes it does suck even more if ur husband is paying for everything and ur MIL thinks she should just buy everything she likes. People aren't dumb, they know what they are doing when they buy something for u without asking and expect u to love it.
bingo
In the end I guess we'll just have to get over the ugly baree things ........i've actually protested against any baree jewelry picked by my MIL by telling my fiance I don't want any but there's this whole "what will people say" garbage ....what kinds of jewelry did you girls get in your baree? I think that's a bigger deal because jewelry is expensive and people should at least consider your opinion on this matter if not the clothes.....i'm afraid of my MIL picking out the typical chamkila all gold with no stones jewelry....EEEKKK
Re: Baree vs. Jehez
^ No I am very lucky to have an amazing MIL and we've already discussed all these lame customs. I guess my fiance and I aren't following the typical desi customs. My parents aren't giving jahez and my in laws aren't giving baree coz my fiance and I have told them that and they respect it. My parents and his parents want us to be happy so they've given us complete freedom to plan our wedding the way we want. My MIL always gets outfits for me from Pakistan and I love most of them. But even when I don't particularly "fall in love" with an outfit, it's still a gift and I don't start thinking wow she didn't take my likes or dislikes into consideration. It's another person! Obviously it will be a hit or miss sometimes! Even my own mother will get me an outfit sometimes that I won't like much.....but seriously, it's just an outfit! No need to get upset about it!
And I wasn't trying to be mean when I suggested the politely refusing bit. I honestly don't see any harm in it. I guess I am very comfortable with talking to my MIL and we discuss clothes and shoes for hours so I am very frank with her. I tell her what I like and dislike all the time. I am not going to Pakistan before my wedding so my MIL and I are both excited to go to Pakistan after the wedding for shopping!
but if its your fiance aka future husband's money that is being spent by your MIL to get you the baree clothes then don't you think its unfair that they didnt consider your opinion or taste in teh matter because after all it is HIS money and you have the right to not let it go to waste.....what do you girls think then? I am against not asking the girl's opinion in such matters ....yes yes the MIL's have their armaans to go and get clothes for their new bahu but lets be honest not everyone has the same taste as you and why take the chance so I think MIL's should at least be considerate enough to take the girl with her for baree shopping
Jeez, What a mean thing to say! Your fiance or husband is your mother-in-law's SON...Unless a woman is seriously messed up, she would not let her kids' money to go to complete waste. She has been his mother for way longer than you have been in love with your fiance/husband and loves him just as much as you do if not more.
People particularly inlaws just like to boss around and want to show how much incontrol you are under them.
Wow what an ignorant thing to say.
Re: Baree vs. Jehez
Wow this thread has sparked quite the debate!
PS - You are right in your post that we should not care about these things, and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.
When I really think about it, I think I was more disappointed that my mother went to the trouble of getting my fiance's sisters and mother very beautiful outfits with matching shoes and jewellry....they were all very good quality and expensive. The outfits my MIL got for my mother and step mother were of much lower quality and about 1/4 the cost of what my mother spent on their gifts.
Let me repeat, I am NOT upset, nor would I ever complain about this to my fiance or anyone in his family. In fact, I did graciously thank her for the gifts and beleive me I KNOW she did not HAVE to get me anything.
I guess it was more that my mother spent the time/effort/money to get them all gifts they would really like - she even got each of them outfits in their favourite colors. I specifically told my mother to get them REALLY nice stuff and spend generously...because you only get married once and I genuinely wanted them to like their gifts.
I know I can't have a say in the type of gift another person gives me...but because I always give other people really nice gifts, I guess its kinda disapointing when others dont do the same for me...that's all.
Re: Baree vs. Jehez
i am in the same situation as you. my MIL has given me really cheap stuff, the things that are expensive have been forced on her to buy from my aunts, otherwise if it ws up to her she wouldnt have bothered.
but sometimes my mum has got me funny clothes, and i have not minded as much as i do with MIL.
i guess the thing is, is that none of the girls here are greedy, we can all buy clothes, i prefer buying my own, its the feeling behind the clothes that were bought for you....if you see them being stingy/cheap you automatically assume they dont like you,obviously means alot to you.....
i dont think its about the clothes...rather about the attitude behind getting you the clothes they KNOW you will dislike..or look not your best in....i guess...its understandable...but its not the end of the world.... hey, us girls are used to this attitude anyway..so whats another 2-3 ladies..huh! wear the ones you like...donate the rest... its not like we are not capable of getting new clothes... i feel like i am repeating myself here..but the concept of bari and jahez is totally outdated...its use was well applied back in the day..when the new dulhan did not have the liberty to get new clothes often..and had to wear/re-wear the bari/jahez clothes for years and years and years... we are not at the mercy of our parents or our inlaws any more...
*my cousins who recently got married..have strictly gone against this rule..and bought their own clothes over time as events/shadis come up...
I so agree with you. Its the feelings and attitude that goes with giving the gifts. Plus, you can constantly get newer and better things.....