l
but now i don't care anymore how they feel. Allah ager mujhay pochay ga tu sirf as a wife n mother pochay ga not as a dil kitna kaam kia ya nahi kiya. haan Allah apni bahu or bhabi ko torture kernay walon ko tu zaroor pochay ga coz when u say u'll kick r bhabi for this n that i think ur brother should slap u to stay within ur limits. as u hav. no right to bully his wife
I agree with u so much infact now I think the same way as u do. My SIL is the same way she scold me and shouts on me and interfere in me and my husband's relationship. I have left things of Allah as I firmly believes Allah will do justice to me one day
he he sorry i got a bit emotional otherwise i think Nadz a good gal n will never actually be rude to her bhabi. but Nadz seriously i would love to see u after marriage. hope u cope really well. but always remember balance is the key to every relation. neither too much giving nor too much taking works best. life is giv n take that wat i believe.
good to hear from someone who is in the same boat as you.. i'v been married for nearly a year now and alhamdulilah i dont have complaints but like a lot of girls living with the in laws can be difficult esp in the beginning cos your still tryign to find your ground
the problem with me is (& i dont say this in a up myself way) but im generally a nice person, so wen my mil would get up to do something whether it be cooking, cleaning, ironing, washing clothes, dishes, i would tell her to sit down (out of respect) and go and do it- i did the same for my mum so i didnt see teh big deal in it. the only time it started to bother me was when i ended up doing things for my sil's- one is 17 & the other is 22 and they do absolutely nothing in the hs! initially i found it really strange but then it started to bug me because i was serving them tea, ironing theyr clothes, washing the dishes everyday while they jus sat there watching telly. again i only did it because i'd rather it be me than my mil but then i realised that this would become routine & as im going to be living there for the rest of my life i shoudlnt do it, so slowly i stopped ironing theyr clothes- even though i dont like it wen my mils doing it but its her fault for spoiling her kids.
ok sorry i needed to rant a bit lol but reality is you cant live your life pleasing others- it becomes depressing. some days i would really want some alone time but because i always got into the habit of gluing myself to my mil i found it really hard (still do) so iv started to make subtle changes.. thats what you need to do, they might not like you for it in the beginning but atleast you wont feel like ur suffocating in your own house
What I'm trying to say is that 1) You won't know how you'll act with in-laws until you're actually living with them....... 2) There are always 2 sides to a story...........3) Too many dynacmics going on in a relationshp that can swerve the balance sometimes so there needs to be flexibility............4) Roles within a family are not always black and white, some blurring does occur. Desi society often makes household chores the sole responsibility of the wife, but a woman might need help from her husband or in-laws if she's working, or tired, or out of town. Even the Prophet SAWS did his own chores in the house (mending his clothes, for example).
UPDATE: I did try talking to my husband about this problem....IT WENT DOWNHILL!! He threw a ballistic fit about how this was his mothers house and if she wanted to do something it was her right and I was lucky to have a mother in law who was so active otherwise most mother in laws make their daughter in laws do all the work! I managed to clarify the situation the next day and said if you are happy then I wont say anything.
So hubbys support is out of the question.
I have tried diplomatically and directly to suggest division of chores, it falls on deaf ears because she ends up doing my stuff as well as hers constantly. For example, if I have made the bed, she makes it again!
Cooking is a matter of who gets into the kitchen first or who isnt busy so that isnt too much of a problem on a daily basis. But when we have dinner parties, she dictates what gets cooked. Or if I cook a meal, she still feels the need to make something..(betay ko pasand ayay ga).
We have a housekeeper come once a week so housekeeping is not a big issue but she still insists on cleaning after the housekeeper is gone. When she was here, I had the housekeeper come twice a week just to make her not need to work so much, but that didnt help.
I think all these are trivial issues because she is definitely an asset to my home in terms of helping out, but the crux of the problem is the feeling as some have said of feeling that she is taking over my house or being made the helper. I also feel pressure to 'babysit' her because I feel bad if I go out and have fun knowing she cant get out unless I take her.
I am going to try again to talk to her and pray that she shows a better reaction than her son!
I think all these are trivial issues because she is definitely an asset to my home in terms of helping out, but the crux of the problem is the feeling as some have said of feeling that she is taking over my house or being made the helper. I also feel pressure to 'babysit' her because I feel bad if I go out and have fun knowing she cant get out unless I take her.
I am going to try again to talk to her and pray that she shows a better reaction than her son!
Hi Wild,
I wonder if your MIL's constant cleaning is due to her not having company of friends her own age......................or is it the result of OCD **(obsessive compulsive disorder). **OCD is a rather common condition and some people manifest it in excessive cautious behavior such as checking the door multiple times to see if it's locked...............to excessive cleaning.
I know that proposing the idea of OCD will only backfire because most MILS won't admit they have the condition.......or even believe that is a condition......and most desi husbands will get angry at the idea. I only brought up the point because i was curious as to why she cleans a room after you and the housekeeper have just cleaned it? Is it because she doesn't think anyone else could do a good enough job cleaning as SHE can?
I wish your husband were more supportive. Do you think you can try talking to him again? And this time tell him that you are very grateful that you have such a helpful MIL.........and that you're just worried because you don't want her to outdo herself. And tell him that you always take her out........and could he at least sometimes take MIL and the kids out on the weekends......and that will give you some alone time to relax. What do you think he'll say to such a request?
Also...........talk to your MIL. And just ask her "Ammi/Aunti.......I know that you like going out. And I enjoy taking you out. It's just that sometimes I feel bad thinking that you will be upset if I leave you at home and go run an errand by myself. I just want to know that is it alright with you if sometimes I go out by myself to the salon or the doctor or to meet a friend? Will you be uncomfortable?"
You said that** I also feel pressure to 'babysit' her because I feel bad if I go out and have fun knowing she cant get out unless I take her. Wild, sometimes you can't worry about what other people think or you won't be able to live your life in even the most simplest of ways. Unless your MIL has explicitly told you that she does NOT want you to leave the house without her..............I wouldn't feel bad about leaving her at home and going out alone once in a while. IF she hasn't complained...........don't jump to assumptions. This is obviously taking a toll on you. You have enough issues to deal with inside the house................so at least you should have the time to relax when you're out of the house. If your MIL is *not **the type of woman to complain to your husband that *"Oh that Wild.....is a BAD BAHU.......she leaves an old woman at home".............then don't feel bad or guilty about leaving her at home once in a while. A lot of times our fearful feelings stem from our own perceptions...........which might be wrong. I hope you find relief soon. How is your relationship with your SIL. Do you guys have a good understanding? Is she trustworthy? Do you think it's possible for you to discuss the situation with you SIL..............being your MIL's daughter..........she might be able to reason with the woman in a way that won't implicate you. What do you think?
Wild the more u talk abt this the more worse the situation will get. as clearly ur hubby won't support u. So if ur talking with mil makes her upset def hubby's gonna be mad at u for that.
So no talking at all
just tactful stragegies r needed
why don't u back off for a while n let her do most of the work.
She might get tired more easily n might decide to take her hands off things.
or trying urself doing the chores she doesn't like to do. take over those so atleast no one will think u r sitting while she's working but Yes for a week or two let her take over n u take the back seat. just see wat happens then.
^ That's a good and simple idea Mabrook. Let her work Wild.....she'll tire herself out and maybe come to the realization that she should sometimes relax and let others help ;)
Wild the more u talk abt this the more worse the situation will get. as clearly ur hubby won't support u. So if ur talking with mil makes her upset def hubby's gonna be mad at u for that.
So no talking at all
just tactful stragegies r needed
why don't u back off for a while n let her do most of the work.
She might get tired more easily n might decide to take her hands off things.
or trying urself doing the chores she doesn't like to do. take over those so atleast no one will think u r sitting while she's working but Yes for a week or two let her take over n u take the back seat. just see wat happens then.
Already tried that. Result?
She does everything and then calls people to say she is having to do everything as if I am a slave driver.
Hubby felt that I was making her do too much and to stop making an old lady work so much.
I have decided to just try and ignore it all. As you guys have said..I cant keep feeling guilty all the time. I try to treat my mother in law the way I would want my mother to be treated but even my bhabi doesnt hang out with my mom and my mom doesnt expect her to do everything for her in terms of driving her around. But my mom is different...she doesnt really like shopping or going out all the time. Not having her husband around really does make a big difference.
I guess live and let live. I am going to let her do whatever she does and instead of laying down rules...just let her live her life and try to live mine and try to develop my own balance against whatever she does.
And Nadz, this is not about hating or mistreating mother in laws. Most problems arise because neither side knows what to do or not do. I think rules are just ways or saying how how both parties will feel better about living as an extended family. A mother in law not helping out is not good...but a mother in law taking over the house is equally not good so a balance is required. What are your suggestions for balancing?
Wild, you said you would talk to your MIL after having talked with your husband. How did that go? Or did you decide not to? Does your husband have any siblings such as a sister that might try to talk to your MIL without implicating you?
She does everything and then calls people to say she is having to do everything as if I am a slave driver.
Hubby felt that I was making her do too much and to stop making an old lady work so much.
I have decided to just try and ignore it all. As you guys have said..I cant keep feeling guilty all the time. I try to treat my mother in law the way I would want my mother to be treated but even my bhabi doesnt hang out with my mom and my mom doesnt expect her to do everything for her in terms of driving her around. But my mom is different...she doesnt really like shopping or going out all the time. Not having her husband around really does make a big difference.
I guess live and let live. I am going to let her do whatever she does and instead of laying down rules...just let her live her life and try to live mine and try to develop my own balance against whatever she does.QUOTE]
Wild hav u ever thought of working? wats ur hubby's views on that. do u think if u start working things will fall down into place by itself. also u'll get some space of ur own. to reduce ur mils work u can ask the housekeeping lady to come 2-3 times a week. u do ur share of chores b4 u leave for work. mil will do watever she can while u r away. u finish the rest when u come back.
if that idea also flops then.... how abt telling eveytime u want to make her go away "ammi aap rehnay dain. itna kaam mat kia kerain. thak jain gee...lain mujhay dain. meray hotay aap kyoon khud ko thakati hain" etc
Wild hav u ever thought of working? wats ur hubby's views on that. do u think if u start working things will fall down into place by itself. also u'll get some space of ur own. to reduce ur mils work u can ask the housekeeping lady to come 2-3 times a week. u do ur share of chores b4 u leave for work. mil will do watever she can while u r away. u finish the rest when u come back.
if that idea also flops then.... how abt telling eveytime u want to make her go away "ammi aap rehnay dain. itna kaam mat kia kerain. thak jain gee...lain mujhay dain. meray hotay aap kyoon khud ko thakati hain" etc
Cant work..I am in USA on a visa. But I have contacted my daughters Islamic school about voluntary work. I have also decided that the only way to balance getting me time is to do stuff alone during the day so that I dont feel like I am attached to her 24 hours a day morning, noon and night.
Your last part...about asking her not to work..honestly I have tried that numerous times. As I mentioned in a previous post, after trying to be firm about not having her do everything, her daughter called me and told me to let her mom do whatever she wanted as she enjoyed doing stuff.
Red, yes she does probably have OCD but another thing is the need to feel she is a vital part of our house. Being a widow has displaced her status and turned her whole world upside down. She is no longer feels the matriach after the patriach has gone, even though we all still treat her as the head of the household.
Her home is in Pakistan and she has had to leave everything she has to be at the generosity of her children. Thats a tough situation to be in and if I were in her situation, it would be tough for an independent person like me to be become a dependent.
I feel that she goes over the top in her helping out to show that we need her to satisfy her own need to feel wanted. That is why I completely sympathize with her situation and want to do as much as I can for her but it does get overwhelming at times.
I love my mother in law dearly but too much of a good thing can also not be so good!
