Balancing roles of two women running one home

Lifestyle Relationships
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If the mother in law is living with you, how do you balance the household duties so neither one feel that the other one is trying to be in charge?

Do you divide the duties up…e.g. mother in law (MIL) do the dusting and daughter in law (DIL) takes responsibility for cooking?

The other thing is, how much time do you spend with your mother in law each day? I feel bad for my mother in law as she is unable to drive and dependent on someone to get her around but sometimes I feel suffocated. I try to take her out every day, even if I dont need anything, just so that she gets a change but I really want to go out alone sometimes and not have her tag along.

Sometimes, I try to go out and she will ask where I am going and I say, I am just going to run an errand and she will invite herself.

She is a nice mother in law so this is not a complaint, it just feels hard to try and find a balance between giving her a feeling that this is HER home as well, while trying to also feel like this is MY home and she is living with us.

I would love to know how other people balance having in laws in the house who are actively involved in household affairs.

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Re: Balancing roles of two women running one home

When i get married, i'm sure i'll take care of the household, and leave the least bit on my MIL, because omg, i hate the way she does anything. UFFF, she is soo slow, so its better if i do it own my own:). As you said, you kind of have to entertain your MIL, its such a pain but i'm gonna have to do it too! Because my hubby to be is such a lazzy butt, its not even funny, and his mom loves me because i never sit around like him lolll. I wish they would let her drive, but my FIL loves to drive her everywhere, i guess its their cute thing:), but its a pain for me:).

And when it comes to cooking, i can cook really good, but her cooking is just out of this world, so we'll let her cook:) and teach me so in the future i can do it faster..hahaha.

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Re: Balancing roles of two women running one home

:omg:

sorry sorry Im not laughing at you or this thread but rather at my own halaath…
:omg:

I’m done now.

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Re: Balancing roles of two women running one home

so whats your halaath? and some how you made me laugh too :omg:

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Re: Balancing roles of two women running one home

*choro bhi rehnai doo yaar
hum naa karaii gai pyarrrrrrrrrrrrr

yeh jo house keeping hai
unka haiii kaaam
mehboob ka jo baas lethai hoowai naam

mar jaiyai
mith jaiyai
hoo jaiyaii
badnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam*

6

Hi Wild,

I missed your thread because I've had issues with Internet connection for a couple of days and also I've been out quite a bit lately. I'm not married, but I will try to answer your question to the best of my ability.

First of all............sometimes we imagine/assume that the other person is feeling upset or will take offense.........and we turn out to be wrong. I know I've been there before. So, what makes you think that your MIL is feeling as if you are trying to take charge? Has she said anything that indicates she feels less in charge?

What household activities does she feel most comfortable with? Some people prefer one over the other. For example, I'd much rather cook than clean, lol. If your MIL prefers to cook more than clean.........then maybe you can leave more of the cooking to her.......and take on the cleaning. If she has a hard time bending up and down.......then perhaps cooking would be better for her. Let's say that she prefers cooking..........and you feel like cooking the meal that day. Then you can balance it out by asking her to make dessert........or appetizer........or let her make another dish along side yours.

If you sense a "competitive" vibe from her..........then try complimenting her on the cooking or cleaning. That might help her realize that it's not a competition to see who is more in charge...........but rather a sincere appreciation for help and team work.

About the driving...............has she SAID that she wants to be taken out every day? Taking her out on a daily basis is a bit much, Wild. If she hasn't made such a request........then don't take it upon yourself to go through this hassle everyday. I totally understand your need to be enjoy being outdoors by yourself. Hmmm......here are some ideas to go around this issue:

1) Being "outdoors" doesn't necessarily have to entail being in a car and going somewhere. It can even be something as simple as having chai in the yard or patio. Are you able to do that? I'm thinking that if she gets a bit of fresh air....in even a simple manner such as this............then you won't feel as burdened to her out (in the driving sense). Know what I mean?

2) Can you talk to your husband about this? Perhaps your husband can take your mom and the kids out some days such as on the weekends.........and this will give you some free time to be alone and go out yourself (while they're out).

2) Here's a little trick I've learned. If you want to go out......with little hassle of being questioned.......and without giving the other person a chance to tag along with you...................GET DRESSED TO GO OUT without telling the person while they are BUSY in the middle of something. Then as you are heading toward the door.......briefly but politely tell the person that you are going out on a quick errand. The other person can see that you're already dressed and ready to leave quickly.......so they're less likely to go with you (especially if they're busy). So....if you're done with the cleaning and you see that your MIL is in the middle of cooking..........that would be the time for you to get dressed, grab your purse.......and tell your MIL "Oh that food smells sooooo lovely. You are such a great cook and I can't wait to try the dish after I return from a quick errand. I will be back soon." And then just go........don't hang around. Or you can do this when MIL is busy talking on the phone with a friend.....just get ready......and on your way out.......briefly tell her where you're going....and then LEAVE. You can't do this too often.......or the other person will catch on. But I've found that it works.

3) What if you tell you're MIL that you're going to a place she doesn't care much for? Such as the salon for a pedicure? If she's not interested in waiting for you while you get your feet done...........she's less likely to want to come with you. The idea of "waiting" tends to deter people. And that will just give you a chance to go out by yourself..........and do the things that you need to get done on your own. Unless you REALLY are going for a pedicure........this strategy might involve some fibbing, lol.

4) CHILDREN! Could you ask your children to provide grandma with company......while you go out on your own? The kids could engage her in an activity that will keep all of them busy........so she doesn't feel left out and bored.

Tricky issue, Wild. This is all I can think of right now. If I come up with anymore ideas, I'll let you know.

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Re: Balancing roles of two women running one home

i intend on doing most things purely because my MIL has had an operation, and shes quite poorly. so i would do it all.

i think we should look at it from another perspective and imagine our brothers bought home a wife, would we want the wife sitting their calculating what percentage of work is hers. i would love my brothers wife to treat my mom same as hers, and do most of the work, and let my mum relax...same as i would do to my own MIL. they have done enough cooking cleaning etc all their lvives, i would want them to relax and i would only maybe expect that they play with their grankids rahter than cook or clean..

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i agree with what you have said :)

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There can be no balance, it's either hte MIL or the DIL who "runs" the house/kitchen and one "helps".

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I also agree with Nadz that a mother in law should rest and not really do anything but be a grandmother to the children and that would be the perfect scenario. However, my mother in law doesnt see it that way. She wants to keep herself busy and alhumdolillah she is active enough to be able to do all the chores around the house without too much difficulty.

I even have a housekeeper help with housework twice a week, but she still insists on cleaning daily and scrubbing down the baths, making beds etc...

Another reason for not wanting her to do work is that I want my two teens to learn responsibility. Before their grandmother came to live with us, they had to do chores but when she came she insisted on doing their stuff so I would prefer she didnt so that they learn.

Red,

  1. Yes she does take offense. Initially I started off by trying to be diplomatic and she still continued. Then I told her about wanting the children to be responsible and she said..yeah bhee meray bachay hain. Once, her daughter also called me to say if my mom wants to do something around the house, let her. She must have felt something and said it to her daughter for her daughter to comment like that.

  2. I have talked to my husband about not wanting her to work but he says let her do whatever she wants. In terms of taking her out, he says that because he works such long hours and I am at home all day, I should take her out.

  3. I have tried not saying anything about going out and trying to sneak out but she is always sitting around ready. Mashallah she is so good with housework that she has done the cooking and cleaning etc..by noon and ready by 1pm. So yes I can go out alone in the mornings, but in the evenings she still wants to go out (she loves shopping). And though she hasnt insisted, she does ask 'shall we go somewhere...are you going out today?' She has always led a busy life and that is one way she likes to pass the time, going out.

  4. I probably shouldnt admit this but my kids dont really care for their grandmother that much. She is a little too in their face for their liking.

If I let her do whatever she feels like, I feel like I am being put on the sidelines. If I try to do all the housework, she feels left out. I tried creating a compromise by saying lets split up chores and distribute the rooms. My idea was that I would be responsible for my childrens and my bedrooms and baths and she would be responsible for her bedroom and the rest of the house.

Cooking is a major dilemma because we both love it. If I wake up early and cook so she doesnt have to...she will still cook one or two extra dishes.

AM I THE ONLY PERSON LIVING WITH HER MOTHER IN LAW??? DOESNT ANYONE HERE HAVE A SIMILAR SITUATION (ACTIVE MOTHER IN LAW...SHARING HOUSE)??

11

^ Yes, I've been in your position - I misunderstood your original question, and thought you had moved into her house and were newly married, in which case my advise might not be appropriate.

My ILs left a couple of months ago after spending more than a year with us. They have lived with us on and off in the past, and I didn't want any of the drama baazi that happened before, so this time I set ground rules. I have four kids (3 teens), and hubby and I both work, so we HAVE to have a strict schedule, it just doesn't work otherwise.

We were expecting them to stay about six months, and had some rough visits in the past, so the husband and I made rules. There was tension after the rules were announced, but the rest of the visit was great. Not all of these will work for you, but some may.

  1. Meals are planned a week in advance. Add your suggestions to the whiteboard. Groceries are purchased based on planned meals - no extra grocery trips and no modifications to the board.

  2. When mom and dad say no that is the final answer - do not ask daadi and daada to interfere or you will be grounded - no exceptions

  3. Clean up after yourself. Laundry is only washed if it is in the laundry room on your day. (I hired a cleaning lady to come twice a month especially for their bathroom and to keep up with the heavy cleaning).

  4. We can go out on Tuesday, Saturday, and Sunday - if you want to go out on another day, you can attend the kids practices, games, or come to the university with me and wander around.

  5. People may be invited on Saturday and we only accept invitations on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday afternoon (I work and it's just too much to entertain or go out during the week).

  6. Bedtimes have not changed. Do not ask.

You may also want to get dish for your MIL if you don't have it and start introducing her to some other elders in the area. I take my MIL out visiting and to the grocery (and other shopping), but we only went out 2-3 days per week, and I did not take her everywhere.

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Re: Balancing roles of two women running one home

Two women can only run down a house.

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Are these rules for your mother and father-in-law or your kids??

I find the rules a little disrespectful if they were for your in-laws - they need to tell you what they want to eat a week in advance and write in on the whiteboard? I hope you can clarify as I am utterly baffled and confused.

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Re: Balancing roles of two women running one home

The rules are for everyone in the house. We do meal planning in order to stay organized and maintain a budget. As I mentioned, I have 4 kids, work, and the zabihah shop and grocery are not on the way home. I go to the grocery once a week, the zabihah shop once a month and don't have time to make extra trips. We decided a week in advance what we will be cooking and eating during the next week, and it goes on the menu board in the kitchen.

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So no leniency for in-laws - when they come to visit. I get it now, thanks.

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Re: Balancing roles of two women running one home

This doesn't mean that there is no leniency, and we have made occasional modifications, but if we are not organized, I cannot keep up. I teach at least five courses, and have advising duties, so how, pray tell, am I supposed to act as a short order cook as well?

By the way, my MIL DOES NOT cook.

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Okay I am thinking all is not well with you and your MIL (you mentioned a previous bad experience) so may be this way of doing things is the best thing for you - I can respect that. However, for someone who is a newly wed or has better relationship with their in-laws or wants to better their relations with their in-laws, I'd definitely not recommend this way of setting ground rules like a grade school classroom for them. Just not very welcoming.

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Actually since we set down some ground rules and expectations, our relationship is much better. I was sad to see her go this time, and look forward to her return. When one person in a relationship is being taken advantage of, no one wins.

Our rules may be too "harsh" for some people, but organization and structure is very important, particularly in large families. The key here is in setting clear expectations for how a situation is going to work so that you can avoid feelings of resentment and hostility later. Even newlyweds need to think about what kinds of behaviors they can tolerate, and what they cannot. A couple should sit down with the in-laws at the beginning to divide the labor and determine expectations.

In my case, my MIL is not willing to divide the labor, so we meal plan together. She decides what we will eat, and I cook it. I am happy because I am not making 20 trips to the store, and she is happy because she made the decisions. Everyone wins.

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idk...that may work when there are no kids or the wife is staying home... but when you're working full time, and have alot on your plate...some structure is needed.

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Glad everything worked out for you amana. This last bit makes much sense. Good stuff :k: