Balancing roles of two women running one home

Lifestyle Relationships
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I also want to set some ground rules and I want hubbys help to enforce them. I have asked my mother in law indirectly and directly (but always politely) to share responsibility but she does not listen.

I love being structured but I am not because hubby wants food according to his mood that day so even when I have tried the grocery planning in advance, I end up constantly deviating.

I am very blessed that my mother in law is very active and able to help around the house so much. I know most mother in laws cant or wont do much around the house. I guess I am in the opposite predicament because she is TOO active!

My rules would be:

  1. DIVIDE AND CONQUER: Both she and I should distribute the house room by room and stick to that ONLY. If I have cleaned my room already, you dont need to come in and remake the bed and start dusting it again.

  2. PARENTS RULE: If the children are asking something, like can I go to a friends house, it is the parents job to say yes or no,not a mother in laws. If there are no parents around, then sh can be responsible for making the decisions.

  3. RESPECT: Respect other peoples need for privacy and space. If someone is going out dont assume that they need you to come with them. If their door is closed, it does not mean that you can still walk in anyway.

God I sound mean..but I dont mean to be because she is overall a really nice mother in law. But I just feel in the shadows in her presence and overwhelmed with the responsibility of taking care of her.

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Re: Balancing roles of two women running one home

Wild, your situation seems tricky only because your MIL as wonderfully helpful as she is .....doesn't seem willing to back down a bit.

I agree with the several points you've made above and it seems that you've been very patient and now things are taking a toll on you. I think it would make a big difference if you can get your husband to support you in enforcing some positive changes. I don't know if your husband is the kind to get upset at any negative comments about his mom. Some men are like that. So, start off with the positive and tell him various things you love about his mom. Then proceed to tell him about your concerns and how you're feeling. And let him know that you'd like to balance things out in the home so as to make things easier for his mom and for you. Propose your suggestions.........and ask him to help you out. Because you can't do this alone. And ask him if he can help with taking the kids and MIL out sometimes.........so that YOU get some time to yourself. We all need to time to relax and unwind and be on our own for a while.

Also, a point you can bring up regarding splitting up of household duties.......is responsibility for children. You can tell your MIL that you want your children to learn responsibilities regarding housework.....and that can only be done when they are involved in the cleaning as opposed to others doing it all the time. So........that could be a possible strategy to divide the work.

Shayrana guftugu - July 2013
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ok with my recent visit from inlaws i made no clear rules but still had some.. my mil would do whatever work she wanted to. so if she wanted to cook i would back off n tell her i'll do something else. if she didn't do any work whole day i used to engage her n ask directly" aap zara....ker dain gee?" however she loves washing dishes after meals so i left that for her mostly.she put everything back in wrong orders so i would say loudly"ye bachchay bhi na yehan glass rekh daitay hain jub k glasses is cabinet main jatay hain" or i would scold them infront of dadi for putting dishes n spoons in wrong drawers. lol. she did get some message.
as for cleaning my fil would clean the room they used. kids had to clean their rooms. n my room i wanted no one to enter. so i would say directly to everyone in house "please mera room koi clean na keray. mujhay baad main pata nahi chalta konsi cheez kehan hai". i used to keep the doors closed when i was out of the room as a sign no one enters there.

as for going outside mostly invited her. but sometimes hubby n i would just say" falan jagah ja rehay hain. bachchay gher pe he hain. plz daikh liay ga"
sometimes hubby invited her to come along n i would look at another wall n seeing me showing no interest she would not come.

so ur rules could be
Everyone clean their own room n attached baths. i clean mine. kids clean theirs. daddi cleans hers.
kitchen we'll do together.
laundary ammi can wash n everybody takes away their load.
vaccum i'll do
grocerries dad can do etc

as for going out
the days u wish to go alone try one of the following strategies
* "friend ne invite kia hai.only hum he hoon gay"

*go out at a time she takes nap

*say u r going gym / bank / library or somewhere u r sure she won't like to come.
some days make her wait in the car"main bus abhi ayee aik min main n take ur time."

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this is too true

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Re: Balancing roles of two women running one home

why would the MIL do any work? It should be DIL responsiblity. I mean elders ka kuch adab bhee hota hai. Jeesus.

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oh my.....god you girls sound quite harsh......al these rules and regulations...wow.....if my brothers wife treated my parents like this, sorry id knock her head in. how dare she inform my parents to tell her a week before what they want to eat.....and how dare you tell your mother in law to clean after herself....thats disgusting......if you can cook and feed your brood why cant you feed ur in laws..imagine its was your mum and dad, would you be so bratty to them. trust me this attitude wont work with ur own mother and father, however girls feel this is ok to almost humiliate ur in laws by acting as if your doing them a favour....

you do realise that there was a reason for why women should stay at home to look after the house keeping, and this was the reason......im a woman and i want to work too after marriage, but theres no way im going to treat my in laws like this......why dont you just go the whole hog and get the to sign a contract while your at it....

if you do not have enough time, then thats your problem not theirs. if my bros wife, told my parents she didnt have enuff time as she was actively involved in her high aspiring career so could they folow the ground rules, id kick her in the teeth.......remember its your sunnats and your good deeds that take you to jannat not your career.

this is directed for amanas post as well as mahbrook, the fact that when your hubby invites her and you lookat another wall to show ur disinterest is disgusting, how juvenile and rude. your mother in law maybe is aching to go out or she just wants some company and there you are making faces showing obvious disdain, its revolting. do people not have any manners or respect for their elders anymore.

this just isnt nice, no matter how much you clarify yourself.

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She cooks and I clean - simple.

Everyone picks up after themselves, does their own laundry (wash and fold)and takes care of cleaning their own room

If you have HANKERING for something to eat - you cook it yourself

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Re: Balancing roles of two women running one home

ppl saying its the dil in laws job to run the house and give the old woman a break.. WAKE UP

not all mil want to take a break..

my mil wants to do the major chores herself especially teh cooking.. take it as 'im still the queen of this household and ure the helper' view but thats her.. i dont mind.. mujhay kia? if i wanna eat something diff.. i say it a day before and we have that. but most responsibilities are hers.. ya one thing she has given up on is cleaning.. i do that since she cant bend that much.

we do our own laundry.. she does hers and fils.. i do mine and the husbands.

but its true.. 2 women cant run the household.. one is the leader the other the helper.

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Re: Balancing roles of two women running one home

Leader and helper - I wonder which I am.

If someone wants to be leader in getting house chores accomplished what more can you ask for?

You can be a leader in getting a pedicure - yaay!

Tri-Nation Champioship FINAL...India VS Sri Lanka
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Grow up Nadz - I work full time so that we CAN afford them. My FIL took early retirement, so guess who pays the bills? My husband and I pay for everything; we pay the bills, we pay for the servants, we pay for the clothes, the trips to America, the shopping, the weddings, EVERYTHING. The family in Pakistan is supposedly too busy paying for their kids school fees so that can't "afford" anything else.

I would LOVE to stay at home, raise my children, and take care of my home, but I do not have that option because of my in-laws, so don't you dare tell me how to do my khidmat. I do my duty to my ILs more than 50 hours a week.

This is not the UK - there isn't a grocery or corner shop every 5 minutes, and we live in the suburbs. There aren't any kebab shops if I want a break from cooking. If we don't stay organized, the house turns into chaos.

I have never asked my in-laws to clean, but so what if someone does? Our ILs are still middle-aged and in good health. Is it good for them to sit around all day watching television.

I know that my MIL has spent her entire life surrounded by servants and couldn't tell a mop from a broom if it killed her. I clean, I cook, and I do the laundry. Is it too much to expect that people will put their dirty laundry in the hamper or help plan the meals a few days in advance in order to make my life a little easier?

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Re: Balancing roles of two women running one home

^ no amana I don't think it's too much to expect at all. It is totally unfair for anyone to do EVERYONE else chores.

Personally even people in old age need SOMETHING TO DO. If you start catering to them - and they have nothing to do all day you'll see more problems creeping up. (idle minds are a bad thing)

My MIL enjoys cooking, sewing, watching dramas and reading the Quran. She feels like she is contributing to the family AND LOVES FEEDING HER 35 and 30 year old babies her parathay.

I am not going to deny the woman that joy and I'll eat one on the side. :)

Do chaar nahi ek hi dekha do
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heheheheheheheheheheh, i love the comment about the parahtay. Nothing wrong with that, plus a break for you. :)

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right ok, guess that makes abit more sense. and for your info, i did not tell you how to do kidhmat understand lady, i was referring to say if my own brother bought home his wife, and how I would feel if she had the same outlook. also my main issue with ur rant, was the timetable and rules and regs, you sound like no fun......although now i know you dnt live in usa, uk, or pak, where do you live......

and fyi,,,,i know many women who work full time have the same or even more hectic shedule than you and are still less than anal about their weekly dinner timetables......thats my only whine. otherwise fair enough i would not think you are not doing ur kidhmat, i think you are in ur way.

also i just rememberd it was mahbrooks post that got me all riled, when she said she would look disinterested when her mil was invited out....i suggest she teach that trick to he rhubby, so when she asks her own mother out, let her husband look disdainly at the walls,,, see her mothers heart drop.....its really sad and rude that...

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Hi Nadz,

I sincerely mean it when I say that it's very admirable for you to want to take on all the household responsibilities and let your MIL rest. And i even understand your point of view when you say that you'd be upset if your own brother's wife did not help around in the house.
**
BUT*........to simply say how you would treat in-laws.........and to **ACTUALLY* live with in-laws are two different scenarios and can't be compared. We all like to say that we would do things a certain way..............and then when we are actually placed in the situation, we find that it is the opposite of what we had imagined. Saying is different from doing. Experience provides a bit more reality and hard-core insight into a situation that we might have imagined to be much easier and more simple than it actually is.

My grandmother lives with my chachi, who is her bahu. My grandmother is pretty old and has several health problems but she still insists on doing some of the cooking and washing the dishes. If one INSISTS.........it's harder to take the task away from them and give them a break. Also, many elderly people (including in-laws) CHOOSE to engage in some work around the house because it keeps them busy. Not only that, staying active is important in old age as there is a greater risk for health problems.

I know MILS who are okay with their DILS working. They KNOW that when the DIL is away at work.............it is challenging for her to come back from work in the evening and start on chores. So the MILS help their DILS with the cooking while theyr'e at work. And they split up the chores and compromise. That's the more important issue here. Sharing and compromise.

Keep in mind that when we don't live with someone..............we don't know about the tiniest of dynamics in the relationships. Now, I'm not trying to scare you........but I'm just giving an example. Let's say that you try your best as a working wife to take care of your in-laws and ALL the household chores. But maybe you forgot to clean a spot on the floor. Or perhaps you forgot to wash a dish when you were making up all the bedrooms. What if your MIL was to pick on you for these little things.......not considering that you're trying your best. What if your MIL told your husband's sister......that "Nadz is lazy, she doesn't clean the floor properly and is careless about the dishes. All she cares about is going to work." Would it be fair for your sister-in-law to say that you deserve to be kicked in the teeth? What about your side of the story?

What I'm trying to say is that 1) You won't know how you'll act with in-laws until you're actually living with them....... 2) There are always 2 sides to a story...........3) Too many dynacmics going on in a relationshp that can swerve the balance sometimes so there needs to be flexibility............4) Roles within a family are not always black and white, some blurring does occur. Desi society often makes household chores the sole responsibility of the wife, but a woman might need help from her husband or in-laws if she's working, or tired, or out of town. Even the Prophet SAWS did his own chores in the house (mending his clothes, for example).

Since you plan on working after marriage, your in-laws will have to be flexible. And hopefully they're realize this without much hassle. It will be tough for you to handle work and take on every little household responsibility. If your MIL wants to help you out.......let her. You'll appreciate the help. You'll find out more when you start living with them. Right now, it's too early to say how things will be. But, it's good that you want to enter this living arrangement with a strong and positive attitude. And you sound so much more happy and confident. InshaAllah everything will work out great, girl! :)

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Re: Balancing roles of two women running one home

salam.....
by reading all msgs .... everylady (who is living with inlaw) has issue some has small and soe big and some there are not issues but just misunderstandings......and red velvet wat u have said so true ....really u cant decide unless u hear both side story ......
and i really appreciate amna ...u have really busy shedeule .......keepp up the good work

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yes baro ka kuch to adab hona chahyeh .......so the fair thing should be that DIL does all the work for her MIL and she can just rest and then Son in Law can do all house work for his MIL so that she can also rest .......I mean dono baray hain sirf husband ki maa to bari nahi hoti naa ......

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Here are some interesting quotes for you from the following website:
Amr Khaled Official Website

Al-Aswad narrated, **“I asked Lady 'Aisha (May Allah Be Pleased With Her) what did the Prophet (May Allah’s Peace and Blessings Be Upon Him) use to do at home.” **She replied. “He used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was time for the prayer, he would get up for prayer.” (Bukhari).

When Lady 'Aisha (May* Allah Be Pleased With Her*) was asked what did the Prophet (May Allah’s Peace and Blessings Be Upon him) use to do at home, she replied, " he was only human, he used to mend his clothes and milk the ewe and serve himself" and in another narration, she said, “he used to mend his clothes and shoes and do what all ordinary men usually do at home”). Unfortunately, the misconception implying that it is shameful for a man to help in the house chores has been passed on to us. Such acts are even considered as degrading stigma. Suffice it to say that correcting this devious misconception that has nothing to do with the guidance of Islam and the lifestyle of the Prophet (May Allah’s Peace and Blessings Be Upon Him), requires us to transfer the established Islamic rulings from the books to reality. We just do not want to be only listeners and readers who would raise too many eyebrows for what is heard or read.

This topic is thought to be highly sensitive and controversial. Some of the early Muslim scholars are of the view that obliges a woman to serve inside her house, saying that it is her duty to serve her husband with everything he needs. Whereas, others, such as Imam Malik, Ash-Shafiee and Abu Hanifa, said a woman is not obliged to serve her husband with anything. Before saying with which view I am siding, it is worthwhile to say that Messenger of Allah (May Allah’s Peace and Blessings Be Upon Him) had assigned the responsibility of managing the household to women. So, where and why would contradicted views arise?

Basically, a woman’s responsibilities in her managing the household, or as the Prophet (May Allah’s Peace and Blessings Be Upon Him) put it, "a wife is a guardian in her husband’s house", do not infer that she has to do all the house chores such as cooking, clothes washing and ironing, cleaning and scrubbing. Rather, it implies that her responsibility lies in her supervision over all the above chores.

Whether she does all of the house chores - or some of them - by herself or with the help of others be it her servants, children, relatives or even the husband himself is dependent upon many factors. Some of these factors include the financial capacity, and the convenience of time for the wife, husband and children, as well as the wife’s ability to do them without any risks of exhaustion and hindering other duties such as taking care of the children and raising them properly and others.

Boi Ji…I have heard on an Islamic show that a woman is not obligated to clean or look after her husband’s in-laws. BUT …STILL…many desi women take care of their in-laws and manage the household chores and are treated like DIRT by their in-laws and receive very little support from their husbands.

Boi Ji…Gender roles are not always black and white. A wife is a human being who sometimes gets tired. She’s not a machine. So if she is tired or out of town…then it wouldn’t hurt to lend her a helping hand. Marriage involves flexibility and compromise. Life is not always constant…situations can arise…and one has to be flexible in handling them.

Haan yeh sahi hai k elders k kuch adab bhi hotay hain…lekin COMMON SENSE aur UNDERSTANDING naam ki bhi cheezain hoti hain. When people in a family **HELP EACH OTHER OUT **with chores around the house…this kindness develops appreciation and strengthens relationships.

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Its always easier said than done. Put yourself in her shoes than u will realise ........its so covinient to say that DIL shd do this and that !

DIL is also a human being , she is earning and spending her income on her inlaws too ........is that her responsibility ? plz comment on this !

She has said she would love to be a house wife but that is not possible in just her husband's income so she has to work. If she is a born woman so she is responsible to do house hold chores also why ? if she is taking man's responsibility why can't everyone else in her house make her feel relax when she gets back home and help her around in her house work. Why is that when a man works it's given so much value and when a woman work that is completely ignored , she is still expected to be a full time house wife too ???

I think she should be soooo much appreciated for running the whole house on her own and fulfiling all her duties despite the fact she is working.

If only we woman starts realising problem of other woman and respecting their RIGHT to have a good life , relax & be happy life would become sooo nice.

DIL signs a contract of marriage with husband not his family and whatever she does for them is her kindness and not her RESPONSIBILITY. Please show if there are any RULES AND REGULATION for the BAHOO written in Nikah Contract or in Shariah infact !

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Nadz i said it earlier that u need to mature n i'll repeat that again.
first get married , move in with ur in laws, hav kids and then come here n say same things u r saying now.

even if someone is a stay at home no its not their duty to keep working from dawn to dusk and take care of others while they just watch tv, sleep aronud, talk on phone or go outside. jub sub saath rehtay hain tu kaam bhi share kerna chahiay. wheter mil or sil or dil doesn't matter.

n yes as a couple u need time alone too. even as a person u need ur space.
u cannot always invite ur in laws with u all time. thats foolish n its wrong of
in laws to keep chasing u like kids. So when ppl don't understand on their own wats the right attitude u hav to show them either by words or action.
and as for my mom n his mom its all fazool batain. i don't think if my mom stays with me for 4-5 months n do nothing n then after finishing all the work at the end of day i wanna go once a while with my hubby n she tries to cling i'll actually tell her directly that we need to hav some time alone.

may be u r one of those who think ur bhabi is ur mom's slave but i don't think as such for my bhabi.

as for the mil dying to go outside so yes my mil is a complete out-goer. she loves to stay out rather in. i always let her go with hubby while i stayed home n prepared meals n do suff. so if once or twice in a month i didn't want her to come i'm not disrespectful.

my in-laws never let hubby n i go anywhere alone even in the earlier days. it was always family time. we had no honeymoon. we didn't even sit alone for single min coz they always were on our head. n they never slept b4 two. So yes hubby n i had time alone after 2 am only n by then i was too sleepy n had to go work next day too.

even after kids not even once they said we'll keep the kids u go outside. when we visit Pak we mostly go in summer and u can't imagine but in the hottest months i had to take all 3 kids out even if it was passport or bank thing or i had to go to dentist coz of my bad teeth kids went with us coz mil wanted to come with us everywhere.. my daughter was just an yr old then n baaz dafa tu wo bilkul bai-hoosh honay wali hoti thee. whenever mil was asked k bahar buhat garmee hai bachay ja ker kia kerain gay she would tell fil silently"main nahi rekh sakti". n abt house work when i go to pak mil takes back seat n u should try cooking for like 9 ppl in the month of june esp with 4-5 hrs of loadshedding.
but now i don't care anymore how they feel. Allah ager mujhay pochay ga tu sirf as a wife n mother pochay ga not as a dil kitna kaam kia ya nahi kiya. haan Allah apni bahu or bhabi ko torture kernay walon ko tu zaroor pochay ga coz when u say u'll kick r bhabi for this n that i think ur brother should slap u to stay within ur limits. as u hav. no right to bully his wife

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Re: Balancing roles of two women running one home

^ mabrook im agree with u... a girl who never livied with inlaws and dont have any experiance..cant say things that what we should do or what we shouldnt..