I also want to set some ground rules and I want hubbys help to enforce them. I have asked my mother in law indirectly and directly (but always politely) to share responsibility but she does not listen.
I love being structured but I am not because hubby wants food according to his mood that day so even when I have tried the grocery planning in advance, I end up constantly deviating.
I am very blessed that my mother in law is very active and able to help around the house so much. I know most mother in laws cant or wont do much around the house. I guess I am in the opposite predicament because she is TOO active!
My rules would be:
DIVIDE AND CONQUER: Both she and I should distribute the house room by room and stick to that ONLY. If I have cleaned my room already, you dont need to come in and remake the bed and start dusting it again.
PARENTS RULE: If the children are asking something, like can I go to a friends house, it is the parents job to say yes or no,not a mother in laws. If there are no parents around, then sh can be responsible for making the decisions.
RESPECT: Respect other peoples need for privacy and space. If someone is going out dont assume that they need you to come with them. If their door is closed, it does not mean that you can still walk in anyway.
God I sound mean..but I dont mean to be because she is overall a really nice mother in law. But I just feel in the shadows in her presence and overwhelmed with the responsibility of taking care of her.
ok with my recent visit from inlaws i made no clear rules but still had some.. my mil would do whatever work she wanted to. so if she wanted to cook i would back off n tell her i'll do something else. if she didn't do any work whole day i used to engage her n ask directly" aap zara....ker dain gee?" however she loves washing dishes after meals so i left that for her mostly.she put everything back in wrong orders so i would say loudly"ye bachchay bhi na yehan glass rekh daitay hain jub k glasses is cabinet main jatay hain" or i would scold them infront of dadi for putting dishes n spoons in wrong drawers. lol. she did get some message.
as for cleaning my fil would clean the room they used. kids had to clean their rooms. n my room i wanted no one to enter. so i would say directly to everyone in house "please mera room koi clean na keray. mujhay baad main pata nahi chalta konsi cheez kehan hai". i used to keep the doors closed when i was out of the room as a sign no one enters there.
as for going outside mostly invited her. but sometimes hubby n i would just say" falan jagah ja rehay hain. bachchay gher pe he hain. plz daikh liay ga"
sometimes hubby invited her to come along n i would look at another wall n seeing me showing no interest she would not come.
so ur rules could be
Everyone clean their own room n attached baths. i clean mine. kids clean theirs. daddi cleans hers.
kitchen we'll do together.
laundary ammi can wash n everybody takes away their load.
vaccum i'll do
grocerries dad can do etc
as for going out
the days u wish to go alone try one of the following strategies
* "friend ne invite kia hai.only hum he hoon gay"
*go out at a time she takes nap
*say u r going gym / bank / library or somewhere u r sure she won't like to come.
some days make her wait in the car"main bus abhi ayee aik min main n take ur time."