I really dont understand the expectations of all the prospective MILs!!! especially the desi one’s… I mean they jst want a super woman as their bahu’s…who wuld do jst everything… if working..thn slog all day in office…come home..do all the household work or finish it before going to office…and thn they wuldnt even want a house help!! i mean c’mon… getting ur son’s married doesnt mean u get a retirement from ur household chores…and if u really think so…thn y not get a househelp!!!..u jst cannot expect ur bahu’s to do all the work from mopping to sweeping to cleaning utensils to washing clothes (w/o a washing machine) and thn also work in office…come home and be sweet sugar coated doll …
we are also HUMANS… i’ve seen this with few of my friends who have got married recently…these MIL’s they appear so goody goody before marriage…and thn after the wedding…they show their true colours and load the DIL’s with all the household chores… Y can’t they be a little more generous… y cant they think of DIL’s as their daughters…wuld they been treating their daughters the same way??? the answer wuld be NO!!!
but when it comes to DIL’s… its way different…
to add to it…u wuld find few of these ladies demanding tht if the DIL is working, then they should contribute to the house (financially)…and so do some desi men!!! i mean thts awful…not tht the DIL wuld deny it or not do it post wedding …but refusing or rejecting the rishta’s jst coz the gal wants to support her parents is ridiculous!!!.. and trust me it really happens… i met a guy who was well off and even told me tht he is in a good position financially and doesnt mind if his other half wants to be a house wife… but the moment is said i want to continue my job and also continue supporting my family… the expression changed…and thn there was no reply from the guy’s side!!!
how can these ppl be so heartless!!.. how will the gals family survive if she doesn’t have a brother??? and especially if even the father is incapable to support the family financially… they cannot rob a bank or jst starve???
if the son’s have responsibilities twds their family… y cant daughter fulfill the same responsibilities for their parents?
i seriously dont understand the logic of these prospective MIL’s?? and in some cases even the GUYS!!!..
dejected after hearing these kind of stories of horrible behaviour by MIL’s frm my friends!!!..
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???....i guess they jst want ALL!!!
I agree. I hate the double standard our society has for guys and girls. If that guys can't support your wanting to be a good daughter to your family, then you're better off without him. There are some awful people in this world, but I hope you'll find yourself a good spouse :)
As for MILs, I personally think it's just a weird relationship. My mom has always taught us that patience and not talking back (even if she's being unreasonable) is the best way to maintain a healthy relationship with her. Just make sure your husband understands your side of the story. Beyond that, there's really nothing she can do to force your hand.
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???....i guess they jst want ALL!!!
How come they expect DILs to be money minting machines ?
Most prospective MIL's dont expect DILs to be money minting machines or have a good career going. This is expected of men by prospective in-laws. But I get what you're saying about them loading working DILs with household chores and being averse to DILs financially supporting her parents.
Both these issues can be avoided by marrying a *ghar-damaad. *
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???....i guess they jst want ALL!!!
Hmm this is why prospective brides and grooms need more autonomy in selecting their life partner. I'm sure a lot of young men don't really care if their wife is keen on supporting her parents after marriage. They're just too weak/embarrassed to say so in front of elders.
OP, on the flip side think of this as a blessing in disguise. At least you came to know of these families' narrow mindedness before things got serious. Imagine having to deal with this drama after marriage!
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???....i guess they jst want ALL!!!
I've run into this multiple times in my experiences...and I think it just goes to show that some people are better off alone or with their own kind.
Whoever it was that said a Ghar Damaad was recommended is probably one of those people who also thinks this way.
A ghar damaad is perceived negatively in our society so he equated a girl's wish to support her family with being a ghar damad. Why? Is he incapable of supporting his own family? He needs his wife's income to live off of?
OP - you should be grateful that you didn't have the rug pulled out from under you after marriage. You meet these small minded people so you can truly appreciate what you have when you get it. Trust me, there are people out there (and not in the minority either) who will be 100% okay with you supporting your parents. Its not an out of this world thing.
Find someone who comes from a good family, educated, has morals and a good upbringing. A man who's mother teaches him to respect women will never behave this way. A man who's mother just fed him and forgot about his tarbiyat WILL.
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???..i guess they jst want ALL!!!
I told one dude he’s not getting a dowry, and it was over.
It amazes me that one hand you want to be a providor and throw your weight around, and on the other hand you need the girl’s cash income or her inheritance. It’s truthfully despicable.
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???....i guess they jst want ALL!!!
On a related note, there is this family I know that was looking for a rishta for their son. Their conditions were that the DIL should 1. be earning well, and 2. have completed any education on her own or her father's money and should not expect their son to pay her fees.
They put forth these conditions but no girl was willing to accept. I suspect the "fees" clause just exposed their pettiness and made girls run away. The boy has a great job in silicon valley btw, and the family is pretty well off.
After about 4 years of looking, they realized this is going nowhere and had pretty much relaxed all the financial requirements. Hmm need to do some stalking on fb to see if this guy ever got married!
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???..i guess they jst want ALL!!!
Unfortunately, what you mentioned is true. True most of the times. When I used to work after my marriage, (in absence of my husband), not by my Parents-in-law but I came to know that my Jeth kind of raised this issue that I shall contribute to the finances. (Most of the times, its my jethani who makes his mind work).
I was like speechless. I discussed with my husband and yes, it was just a discussion since the issue wasn’t raised so openly. My husband just asked me to act normal and wait until someone comes up and directly demand for it. Which of course no one did, and I am sure, my MIL and FIL stopped him just there.
But yes, it really hurts when we are expected to support our in-laws and when at times of Supporting maika… we’re told indirectly, “hum to beti ke ghar ka paani bhi nahin peetay” Matlab samajhne walay khud samajh jayen what I meant here!!!
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???....i guess they jst want ALL!!!
It's a serious issue philo, it sucks to know that some families are only interested when they hear ou have an income. My friends and I get rishtas all the time from Pakistan from families who don't know you or your family or your face and all they've heard is a job title. So what happens when they hear "26 year old who is at home post college learning how to cook"?
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???....i guess they jst want ALL!!!
Have heard of and met the ones who try and find out if you have student loans so that their sons won't have to pay them off (assuming their sons will automatically be the ones to have to)
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???....i guess they jst want ALL!!!
I hate to ruffle some feathers here, but I don't see why it's considered to be a bad thing if a wife/DIL is asked to contribute in the running of her own household. Before you go about ripping me apart, know that my opinion is conditional on her receiving help with the household chores and whatnot. In fact, I'd be all for contributing from my salary if I can use it in a manner I see fit (I.e. Hiring a housekeeper or cleaning service).
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???....i guess they jst want ALL!!!
I hate to ruffle some feathers here, but I don't see why it's considered to be a bad thing if a wife/DIL is asked to contribute in the running of her own household. Before you go about ripping me apart, know that my opinion is conditional on her receiving help with the household chores and whatnot. In fact, I'd be all for contributing from my salary if I can use it in a manner I see fit (I.e. Hiring a housekeeper or cleaning service).
It hurts when you know your "help" is named as a "farz"!! It hurts that rather being nice to you, they feel that they have a FULL RIGHT on your income and it hurts when you get a "so what??!!" vibes from them!!
Of course if you have a susral where they genuinely need financial support, its always good to support them as they are your family too............ but it hurts when we are supporting them taking them as our family and they are being just mean to you and instead appreciating your care and concern....they just try to tell you that "oh... so what if you are helping us.....farz hay tumhara" !!!
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???....i guess they jst want ALL!!!
I think most women would help financially and put in money into the household bank account and give money to their kids, for sure. Few women are heartless. Maybe they may request a separate account so as to have some privacy and control over their own income from relatives which is reasonable, but very few women withold money entirely from their family.
And each penny she spends on herself instead of having her husband spend that money on her, is a penny that her husband can divert elsewhere in expenses, and even use on himself. So even the support a woman gives herself, takes burden off the family.
My mom has a separate account, my siblings and cousins and I have separate accounts, and everyone takes care of their personal needs, so less khit pit on asking the man of the house to "buy me this, buy me that". My mom pays for her own necessities too, like anything medical, her gasoline, etc. So less burden on the man, and the household.
But yeah, there are guys who want to decide what goes on with your money, and that's just stupid and wrong.
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???....i guess they jst want ALL!!!
How common is this? If she'll be living in a joint family, I can see that they'd expect the future DIL to take over a part (or perhaps even all) the household chores. I've never heard of anyone demanding that they work and give their income to the inlaws though.
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???....i guess they jst want ALL!!!
^ Mr. I-know-everything-about-Islam, where does your Islam go in the matters of a woman's protection and independence? First off, she should not be living in a joint family system if she doesn't want to. Secondly, it's her money, she can do as she chooses with it, and it does not have to be contributed at all into the household.
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???..i guess they jst want ALL!!!
May I remind you Mr. Obvious
And to the ladies who are having to fork over their money, please remember your rights, and please remember if you do contribute to your households it is not your RESPONSIBILITY, it is a BLESSING that you EARN FOR YOURSELF.
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???..i guess they jst want ALL!!!
And if an ISNA convention is too maaaadern for the psuedo-maulvis here and traditionalists please view the following video. Maybe the words coming out of his mouth at 0:40-:45 may be more palatable as he is wearing traditional saudi dress, and we all know you can’t argue with a guy in saudi dress.
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???..i guess they jst want ALL!!!
Thankfully..i’ve found someone who’s more understanding and genuine… but the issue is he’s jst my choice..and not my family’s…and we r still struggling to convince my family…which is totally a different story(…and on a different thread)..
but the point is i’ve been hearing these stories of emotional atyachar frm my newly wedded frnds..and how their MIL’s turned out to be something else post marriage..which scares me..
i mean wats with the double standard and the fake behaviour before marriage…
and the point is not tht a girl wuld not want to contribute financially twds her spouse’s family…ofcourse we would want to coz eventually after marriage its gonna be our family too…but the point is why make it sound like an obligation? …and why do they have to raise questions if the gal wants to support her parents too?
frankly i’ve observed , in case of love marriages this is not an issue..i mean i’ve a real life example of my sis, my jiju is gem of a person and has never questioned my sis on how much she is contributing twds our parents and how much is she saving…they have an understanding and it works perfect for them…my jiju takes care of the expenses and home loan of their house…and my sis saves part of her income for the baby and their future … so things can be managed if they are discussed, rather thn forced as an obligation…
hopefully even i would be doing the same…as of now thts wat we (me and my mr. messedup) have planned..but before tht we’ve to convince my family! huh…huge task!!!
and to someone who asked do the prospective inlaws ask for money from DIL… yes they do… dowry is the most obv thing… and in middle class families…its implied… y do u think these ppl want career oriented and working women??? i’ve seen lots of ladies hunting for “KAMAO LADKI”…
the underlying motive is tht thn there wuld be an additional source of income… these are the ppl who take the phrase “GHAR KI LAXMI” jst tooo literally!!!
Re: Bahu OR Bai OR Money Minting Machine???....i guess they jst want ALL!!!
Well I know that they ask for dowry, but I've never heard of anyone asking that she work and provide another source of income. Although when it was my turn, my FIL did ask if we require women to work. So I made it clear that we don't and don't expect any kind of financial contribution from her.
Matlab samajhne walay khud samajh jayen what I meant here!!!
