Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?
I need advice on my (ex) Pakistani boyfriend… I am a 30 yr old American, he is 29 Pakistani, and we both live in Saudi Arabia,with good jobs. I moved here a few years ago, he was born and raised.
I met him when I first moved here, and he won my heart by helping me understand the culture and Islam (I being non-Muslim at the time),and setting me up in Saudi. We started dating almost immediately, and it was a fall in love fast kind of thing…with him telling me his intentions were for marriage and to make the relationship halal. Soon after, he said he could not take the relationship seriously unless I became Muslim. I refused, but we stayed together out of love. Later, for me (and supposedly for him), the love became very strong…I said I would consider the conversion and raising a Muslim family…so we started taking the relationship more seriously…I told him if we weren’t getting married we should break up (this almost 1 year in),but he said he still wanted marriage. He said he would introduce me to his parents but kept putting it off…we traveled a lot together and were very much in love. Then he told me again there was no way he could even introduce me unless I converted…then he felt bad for asking me and of course I was upset. After a few months I started reading the Quran and putting in the effort to convert (which I did)…I finally met his parents…and they told him ‘No’ to the marriage, due to the cultural and language barriers. We were heartbroken…and we still stayed together because he told me he was fighting for me (I don’t know what he was actually doing)…but the strain caused a lot of distance, and in the last months it was unbearable being in limbo…with him saying he wanted to be with me, but it wasn’t worth the family fighting, and then he decided we weren’t a good match after all…the relationship was missing a lot of things he wanted (which I guess was a hijabi girl who was into Middle Eastern politics and Islam)…I understood the stress was becoming too hard so I do not blame the breakup. This was just 2 months ago we slept together (yes, we were sleeping together too…very unIslamic…) and he said he was still in love with me…and we broke up…with him saying the relationship had caused so much guilt that he wanted to go travel, hopefully to clear his head, and come back with a ring.
It turns out a friend had set him up with another white girl…a Canadian convert wearing hijab who turned her back on western ideologies and basically became Arab and embraced everything about the culture..she speaks some Arabic and Urdu. And he proposed to her within a month! I cannot get over that we were together for 2 years, and we ended just 2 months ago and was JUST with me…and he is already engaged. Espec. when he told me it was the culture and language gap that was the problem! I cannot figure out what he is thinking, as I am not as familiar with the Pakistani mindset…it makes me feel like our relationship meant nothing. Is this normal in the culture? Is this a rebound? Will he actually go through with this last minute marriage? Was he lying to me this whole time??
I just wanted some insight from some other people in the culture, as I feel so shocked, betrayed, and angered…and I cannot figure out what he must be thinking!!! I hear so many stories about Pakistani men being liars, visa chasers, etc. I hate to think those things about him, because I loved him so much,but I also don’t want to be ignorant! Thank you in advance.
Well in my opinion he wanted to have a family with you and when he couldn’t see it working out in pure Islamic way where a Muslim mother teaches her kids about Islam from the very beginning being a good role model and all the things you need while raising kids as a Muslim. Plus his family showing him the same thing I just told.
Otherwise I don’t think there is any other reason and when he found another woman embracing Islam the way it’s meant to be he didn’t wait. And I can say with confidence that if you’d have done all that you might be mother of his kids till now.
Lastly it’s not the Pakistani men. There are levels of Deen/Religion/Islam every particular Muslim posses and speaking from a very deep Islamic roots/beliefs and background that’s all he wanted as a family. He slept with you is his personal matter with Allah.
And it’s beautiful you started studying Islam, just try not to let go of it and pray to Allah he’ll definitely hear you and show you a much better way. All the best!