Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

Lifestyle Relationships
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I need advice on my (ex) Pakistani boyfriend… I am a 30 yr old American, he is 29 Pakistani, and we both live in Saudi Arabia,with good jobs. I moved here a few years ago, he was born and raised.

I met him when I first moved here, and he won my heart by helping me understand the culture and Islam (I being non-Muslim at the time),and setting me up in Saudi. We started dating almost immediately, and it was a fall in love fast kind of thing…with him telling me his intentions were for marriage and to make the relationship halal. Soon after, he said he could not take the relationship seriously unless I became Muslim. I refused, but we stayed together out of love. Later, for me (and supposedly for him), the love became very strong…I said I would consider the conversion and raising a Muslim family…so we started taking the relationship more seriously…I told him if we weren’t getting married we should break up (this almost 1 year in),but he said he still wanted marriage. He said he would introduce me to his parents but kept putting it off…we traveled a lot together and were very much in love. Then he told me again there was no way he could even introduce me unless I converted…then he felt bad for asking me and of course I was upset. After a few months I started reading the Quran and putting in the effort to convert (which I did)…I finally met his parents…and they told him ‘No’ to the marriage, due to the cultural and language barriers. We were heartbroken…and we still stayed together because he told me he was fighting for me (I don’t know what he was actually doing)…but the strain caused a lot of distance, and in the last months it was unbearable being in limbo…with him saying he wanted to be with me, but it wasn’t worth the family fighting, and then he decided we weren’t a good match after all…the relationship was missing a lot of things he wanted (which I guess was a hijabi girl who was into Middle Eastern politics and Islam)…I understood the stress was becoming too hard so I do not blame the breakup. This was just 2 months ago we slept together (yes, we were sleeping together too…very unIslamic…) and he said he was still in love with me…and we broke up…with him saying the relationship had caused so much guilt that he wanted to go travel, hopefully to clear his head, and come back with a ring.

It turns out a friend had set him up with another white girl…a Canadian convert wearing hijab who turned her back on western ideologies and basically became Arab and embraced everything about the culture..she speaks some Arabic and Urdu. And he proposed to her within a month! I cannot get over that we were together for 2 years, and we ended just 2 months ago and was JUST with me…and he is already engaged. Espec. when he told me it was the culture and language gap that was the problem! I cannot figure out what he is thinking, as I am not as familiar with the Pakistani mindset…it makes me feel like our relationship meant nothing. Is this normal in the culture? Is this a rebound? Will he actually go through with this last minute marriage? Was he lying to me this whole time??

I just wanted some insight from some other people in the culture, as I feel so shocked, betrayed, and angered…and I cannot figure out what he must be thinking!!! I hear so many stories about Pakistani men being liars, visa chasers, etc. I hate to think those things about him, because I loved him so much,but I also don’t want to be ignorant! Thank you in advance.

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Pakistani or not.... He's a man!!!!

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

Only the Pakistanis break up?

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

Your ex is not worth the thinking time you are giving him. Understandably you are hurt and upset at his behaviour but all that can be stated is that he was/is not good enough for you. If a guy loves you he will make it happen no matter what, especially since you converted etc. He was making excuses all along and that's that. And no, not all Pakistani men are this way. Hubby and I had our Nikkah done within 8 weeks of officially being together (although we knew each other from uni) even though his family was in another country because I refused to be in a non-halal relationship. He knew if he wanted to be with me he had to do it properly. I think you gave your ex too much leeway, it should have been all or nothing and the fact that it wasn't allowed him to drag it out, make excuses etc. Forget him, move on and remember that Allah has created someone better for you. Do not allow yourself to think though that ALL Pakistani men are this way- there are some good ones out there.

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

The bit in bold was posibly the real reason, as well as obviously wanting to please his parents.. There are still many guys who think a girl who’s intimate with with them before marriage is “loose” and therefore not marriage material, never mind that they’re enjoying it themselves..

He thought you weren’t a good match but still wanted to sleep with you :mad:

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

From my experience....about 85 % of the men are bad...andyou are most likely to run into them....the 85% comprises the low class + illiterates. You can gauge them frmo their educational level+ profession + their family's educational level. If your boyfriend is fromthis class....then he is likely bad....cheap....and narrow minded and selfish. However there is the 15% upper middle + elite class who are educated...civilised...some even westernised...many workingin intellectual professions....these people are not all very rich but the majority are...but they are definately more educated than the rest of the population....if your boyfriend belonged to this class (which is unlilkely as this class does not need to go to Saudi Arabia or any western country for profesional advancement) then there are fewer chances that he will turn out like your bf ultimately did...

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

It has nothing to do with his nationality or religion. No stand-up guy does this. All his reasons were just excuses. You are better off without him. As muslims we believe in the day of judgement; it is one of the six basic tenets that form aqidah. Know that he will get his due that day.

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

why do you need advice on ex-boyfriend? he's your ex for a reason. forget him, move on. he sounds like a scumbag, so I would say good riddance! plenty of people cheat and betray,not only pakistanis.

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

You say you are 30 years old but you questions after all what has happened portray you as a teenager.
I mean come on , breakups and divorces happen in every culture , religion, nationality , IQ level , class , creed , cast , tribe, gender and species it is not specific to Pakistani mindset.
No one can give you a formula if a Pakistani man is likely to break up after enjoying one kind of dessert for long time and getting fed up with it one fine morning.

Since you have converted to Islam, stick to its tenants and Inshallah you will find someone who would love you for cherish you all his life. You should have self respect and think that you deserve better than that scumbag and Inshallah you will find that dream guy who would cross Pull a Sirat with you with your hand in his. If you do not know what Pull a Sirat is look it up please.

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

Gori, first let's look at your title. Even if a non-Pakistani, non-Muslim guy were to act like your ex did, I still wouldn't consider it normal or right. Even if the guy belonged to a culture where sex outside of marriage is considered common and practically encouraged by society, I still wouldn't see it as normal and I especially wouldn't see it as right or moral because it leads to people getting hurt.

Now, let's move on to your predicament. Allah knows best what your ex's intentions were this entire time, but if he was so adamant that the difference in culture and language barrier was what prevented him from putting a ring on your finger, then he should have dropped ALL contact with you ages ago. And I mean ALL contact because it is tricky to remain strictly friends with a person you are attracted to and have romantic feelings for. You both should have quit it, or even just one of you should have ended it and firmly stuck to the decision. Yes, it's hard, but it's not impossible. The more you prolong a wishy washy relationship, the more it will hurt. It's better to cut it short much earlier so it hurts less.

I know that it takes two to tango, but I feel disgusted with your ex. If he needed to travel the world to clear his mind, he sure cleared it up pretty fast. Even though the girl he is now engaged to can manage to speak a bit of Urdu, it still does not equate to "fluency" in the language and so there would STILL be a "language barrier" between her and his parents. The barrier might be to a lesser degree than marrying someone who cannot speak Urdu at all, but it would still be there. And I believe there would still be a degree of a cultural barrier. Marriage is a huuuuge life-altering decision for any guy to make and as harsh as it sounds.....he saw something in that girl that made him want to commit right away and take on the gamble of marriage. I'm guessing his parents may have been relieved that she's a Muslim but I've a feeling they may have still been a bit apprehensive about the lang/culture barrier. As I said earlier, Allah knows his intentions better than anyone.....and I hope I am wrong.....but it seems to me that you were used. There's no such thing as a perfect Muslim, we all pick and choose what to follow. But Islam is about more than just ensuring that your wife be a Muslim hijaban. It's also about staying away from things that are clearly haraam (premarital sex) and about having some regard for the feelings and rights of other people.

I believe it would be best for you to have respect for yourself and to never contact him again. Just don't do it. You will gain nothing from it. If you think you'll gain some "closure" from hearing him explain his actions, I don't think you will get it. Either he won't be honest to avoid hurting your feelings ....or....even if he were to honestly tell you why he chose another woman it's not going to make you feel any better; it will only hurt, maybe even make you feel worse. Nobody likes knowing why they were "not the one." You have no concrete way of verifying his words to see if he's lying or telling you the truth. Even if he were to say that he "still loves you".......well, actions speak louder than words and you're not the one wearing the ring, so there's no real comfort in such words. What matters more is the present situation, not the past. And presently he is not with you. And you shouldn't contact him....nope, not even to wish him a happy birthday......it's not right and it's not fair to the woman he is now committed to. You wouldn't want to be in her shoes and have your fiance/husband's ex contacting him. Treat this as a learning experience and a blessing; your path has been cleared to make room for a guy who will actually value and love you enough to commit to you. If this was meant to be, Allah would have made it happen. It wasn't, so now look forward to better opportunities, pray for those to come your way. Move on, OP. And I hope that you won't stereotype Pakistanis and Muslims because of ex's actions. It wouldn't be fair. may Allah give you strength and inner peace soon, Amen.

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

" I think you gave your ex too much leeway, it should have been all or nothing and the fact that it wasn't allowed him to drag it out, make excuses etc."

You are right. If I had to do it over....I definitely would have been stronger in that regard. In the beginning, however, it wasn't meant to be a serious relationship....and after a while...it just turned into that. So I am not sure I actually would, sadly :( Maybe just cut him off when he kept putting off the family meeting......

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

I knowww......actually as I was writing it, I was like wow I sound like a high schooler or something....I guess I have just never been in love like that before, so it's really gotten to me. Also, many of my friends are blaming culture....."He's the Pakistani stereotype," "See, he went off with a Canadian because he's a classic visa chaser," "The men in Saudi Arabia are disgusting, you should be dating a white guy," etc. I converted to Islam because in the end I believe it....so hopefully you are right...thanks!

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

Islamabadi1.......he is a professional, so unfortunately he's one of the high class, but still a scumbag.

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

:hehe: LOL. Seeee you’re feeling a bit stronger already. Think about all the positive changes that will result from the breakup such as not having to wonder and worry about where you stand with him, no longer being in a mental limbo that probably took a toll on your mental and physical health, more free time to pursue all the goals that took a backseat when you spent your hours worrying about him and his approval. Amidst the yuckiness there is still some good that will come out if this. Take it a day at a time, you will get through this. :flower1:

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

redvelvet.....

Thank you for your lengthy response. I supposed I feel 'jipped' in a way....because I spent 2 years trying to understand the culture, learning bits of the lanauge....converted to Islam....even went to Pakistan for a couple weeks!! I just feel like I put in all the leg work and had all the best intentions.....and then he got to lie to me, break my heart, and then run off into a marriage within a month....while I got to sit at home all summer picking back up the pieces and wondering! It makes me sad that he went running off....set the intention of marriage into his head....and went off and just did it with someone else.....and in the culture, it happens so quickly, it's so shocking and upsetting to me. It also upsets me that it's 2 years of my life gone....as I am 30...that relationship was definitely for the intention of marriage.

You are right in that we should have cut it off when his parents said no. It makes me feel better to think that they will still face some cultural struggles.....I suppose a part of me hopes this is just a huge insane rebound which falls apart. I know it's wrong of me to think that....but I cann't stand to think that he will get away with the disgusting behavior (b/c he said Inshallah God will have mercy on him) while I am the one in shambles, when I only loved him and wanted to marry him. I even considered messaging her and telling her about how he was so recently so with me.......but I decided not to go to that level of crazy!!

Sorry for such a long and desperate post. I never imagined this kind of thing would happen to me, and I thought he was a righteous, good Muslim guy, so I thought in the end he would definitely marry me. I'm just trying to let go. You are right not to stereotype I suppose. There is another Pakistani guy who wants to be with me......I just don't want to make the same mistakes....and honestly, now I am just scared and worried about the same thing happening. Espec. b/c everyone always tells me....don't date the Pakistani guys!!

I am just frustrated that he gets to get away with this!!! And in Pakistani culture it's as easy as tell your parents to find you someone......

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

You met a bad egg. It's probably time to move on. Alarm bells should have started ringing when he asked you to convert, no one should ever ask someone else to convert to be with them or to feel accepted and it was pretty much over if a grown ass man needs his parents blessing to marry someone he apparently loves.

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

The other thing I wanted to know....do you think there should be a message sent to this girl, letting her know how recently he and I were together, and how he is a liar? She is young, and also a fairly new Muslim I think.....I was not going to say anything to her, but my friend REALLY hates the guy......and she says as a woman, she has a right to know that before walking into a marriage after 1 month....espec. if she thinks she is getting a good Muslim guy....that he prob has not changed much in 1 month. I am on the fence about it.....b/c I think she deserves to know but I also just want some peace.

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

yeh... no. just move on.

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

gorigirl84, looks like you really loved him if you took the steps to learn Pakistani culture, Urdu, and reverted to Islam. I wish I could kick him where the sun don’t shine for you but think positively in that if you had kept on going with the relationship he would have kept on using you and he would’ve worn you out completely because of all the negative feelings that the relationship caused you. He was playing around with your feelings and he didn’t feel bad about doing that. Imagine living with that, your self esteem would be lower than ever as he would keep saying why you aren’t right for him or his parents and he would’ve kept going with it. Be thankful it was only 2 years and not more.

Best thing you can do now is empower yourself, see where you misjudged the jerk and try not to take it to that next level until there is some type of commitment from the next guy’s side.

I totally understand why you might be angry that he gets to get away with it. I wish I had an answer to this because I see scumbags getting away with hurting or screwing with people all the time. Some actually get the perfect great compatible matches and get to live the happy married life so don’t know at which point they get what’s coming to them. I guess just make yourself into a the best Muslim you can be in your eyes and try to be a good, successful human being so the ultimate revenge is that you get the happy life you’ve always wanted. Bring your self esteem up again by making yourself look beautiful and feel beautiful from inside. :hugz:It’s going to take time to recover from the ego punch that this jerkoff gave you but you’ll get through it sooner or later and think of it as a blessing from Allah that you didn’t end up with a guy that made you feel like crap most of the time.

You actually got the chance to escape this and meet a sweet, kind guy now. Yipppiee

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Re: Bad Pakistani guy, or just normal?

Sure go ahead if you can warn someone about his character it would be good help. If that person takes your advise or not the onus will be on them.