Background check of prospective spouse.

Lifestyle Relationships
1

What do you say ? How deep one should go to check the person out ?
Get a background check, to make sure that this person does not have a criminal background.
Get a credit report on this person.
Take his photo to the night clubs and bars to see if someone recognizes him/her.
Check with the pharmacy in the neighborhood if this person has bought some prophylactics in the past or not.
Check with the county office if he/she has some previous marriages.
Call the current and previous employer to make sure that he/she is a good team player.

2

Re: Background check of prospective spouse.

wow, people really do all this?

Just a thought here....it wouldnt be a nice thinig to call the employer if the prospect lives in a western country. It could have a negative impact on a budding career to have potential in-laws "checking out" their employee. Esp if its a large company with an HR dept. Calls such as this would be entered into the poor guy's permanent record.

3

Mamaof3 , it is just food for thought , I have never seen or heard it happening, but after reading so many life1 posts I think it is a possibility that people may start doing that.

I will add one more to the list a psychiatric evaluation too.
In CA HIV blood test is mandatory for issuance of marriage license they should add psychiatric evaluation too .

4

Re: Background check of prospective spouse.

^oh yeah now a days...private investigator!!tough they are expensive.

5

Re: Background check of prospective spouse.

lol wow....

I think most states in US require the HIV test. Psych evals prob SHOULD be added :) would perhaps decrease the divorce rate, esp if the whole family of both sides had an eval ;)

Interesting note...most christian churches require a couple to go for a two or 3 month program like an "intro to marriage and relationships" kind of thing, they meet like once a week and get all potential issues out in the open. Doesnt seem to help the alarming divorce rate but its still a good thing to do.

6

Re: Background check of prospective spouse.

I think it should not be done.

I tend to trust people easily. I am already married but supposing, if my perspective spouse told me that her credit history is good, she's not a criminal, does not go to clubs, then I will take her words for it because love/marriage is based on trust. If you don't trust the other person, then perhaps you shouldn't get married with them. That's just me because I trust people that they are telling the truth. If you are of skeptical nature, then you would want to investigate.

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LOL , I will not go so far because then there will be no wedding in this world , as each family has at least one coo coo .:D

8

O paa jee , most of the marriages in desi communities are arranged and people lie through their teeth to make the match happen. It happens day in and day out.

9

I think it needs to be done especially if it’s an arranged marriage. You dont want any surprises after marriage.

My parents did background checks on my BILs before my sisters married them. They did most of the checks discretely and some things they just flat out made obvious. For example, they asked their relatives, neighbors, and friends about their character, found out info and confirmed their job status, and found proof of graduation (ie pics from the photo album). Just the basic stuff.

I’m the baby of the family.. my mom says for me she will hire a detective :hehe:

Best people to ask is his/her peers (especially those that went to same uni). Once there was this guy who was inquiring about me at my uni. He made mention of me to this other guy (also at uni) and that guy was like “AE” I know “AE” and he continued to say things about me…

now just imagine if i was up to no good :smiley:

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Re: Background check of prospective spouse.

**Mirch **That's true. Based on the services listed in the first post, I limited my reply assuming that the guy and girl talk to each other directly (i.e. in western culture) and I totally forgot to keep the arranged marriages in mind.

So if we talk about arranged marriages, especially in Pakistan, how exactly would one do the background check etc.? You can pay anyone to say whatever you want about you and your family. Governmental agencies (i.e. police) can be bought as well. So that would still be lying when the information is not correct.

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11

my sisters did not have arranged marriages...my parents refused to take my sisters word for it therefore they STILL did a check of their own.

12

Re: Background check of prospective spouse.

Aaj nashtay main kia khaya tha ? :smack:.
If someone is so concerned they can hire Interpol , KGB , FBI, or CIA to conduct an investigation in Pakistan. That happens too . No ?
Just kidding.
Where there is a will there is a way . Read post # 9 by AE above , for that kind of B/C how can someone buy all those people , all the neighbors , all the classmates, all the co workers etc , etc.

One Dish Party at Khatti's House!!!
13

Re: Background check of prospective spouse.

Hmmmm.......I know this question is not asked but I will mention it any way. If I found out that my wife/her family did a background check for me, I would be upset and I would hold it against them. I realize that they did this to protect their daughter and her future, but they should've mentioned it to me and I would've been fine with that. If I trusted their words and didn't do any check on them, they should've trusted me as well.

Not sure how others feel about it.

p.s. Nashta abhi kiya hi nahi, ghar waley abhi so rahey hain, sirf mein hi utha hua hoon :D

**Edit: **to answer your reply above this post, you are right, relatives cannot be bought. However, keep Pakistan in mind. It's a little different in USA but imagine joint families in Pakistan (or non-joint families), most bhaabhis, nands, devraanis, and jaithaanis don't get along. So if they don't get along with me and my family, I doubt if they'll have any good words to say about us. That will screw up my rishta. As for other stuff such as graduation pics, awards, business cards etc., no problem. They are most welcome to do the check directly with the groom/bride's family

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Re: Background check of prospective spouse.

[quote]
Get a credit report on this person.
[/quote]

Wouldnt that be illegal?

15

shikra…I wouldnt be upset if the guys family did a background check. Afterall its the family doing it and not the guy. In our case…my sisters didnt even know until after marriage that a background check was done.

you have a little girl now… wont you being doing a background check? fathers are usually protective…I think you will be 2. : )

Also…doing a background check doesnt usually require hiring an investigator. My mother is a dectective by nature (if only you knew the kind of sneaky things she did to keep an eye on me in my uni days…i didnt know then but now i do) lol…she nvr needed to hire anyone. :hehe:

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if someone has something bad to say that is a reason to do more investigation...no?

btw business cards, awards and degrees can be bought :D

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Hmmmm , that is also food for thought. Personally I would not be upset if they did that without telling me or without taking my consent. My desi background plays a part in it where I know that lot of lies are told in the rishta process in arranged marriages. Specially if these marriages are being arranged between total strangers .

18

Okay if you sister didn’t know herself (i.e. if my wife didn’t know herself), that’s a different case and I wouldn’t be as upset then, but again, I guess that’s just me and my nature: If you need to do ANYTHING, just be honest and say so. I will respect your wishes. I guess I just don’t like to be kept in the dark. And yes, I will be very protective about my daughter, but I am still not sure if I will do official checks. I may act like your mom (i.e keep my eyes open and everywhere) because that’s what all parents do. I am a straightforward person. If I need something from someone, I tell them straightaway. Oh well, that time is too far, don’t make me think about her marriage, let me enjoy her infant days :mad:

I know anything is possible…and I guess you haven’t been in a situation where family members lie just to take revenge. Without getting into too many details, here’s soemthing:

My mamoo was engaged to his father’s cousin’s daughter. Mamoo’s FIL was running in the local elections and mamoo’s dad was an influential person and could have a very postive impact on his votes. Engagement was done but after the old man won the elections, he broke off the engagement. Then my mamoo’s family started looking for another girl and found one in the next town. The girl’s family wanted to do checks (without telling) and came in their neighborhood to ask questions about mamoo. Unfortunately, they ran into this family that broke off the engagement. You can imagine what kind of feedback they gave and the other family backed off. Then there was another rishta ad before it was done, this same cousin family secretly went to their house and badmouthed mamoo and his family and that rishta also didn’t happen. Then finally he got married to someone else.

Point being: This is the kind of experience I am speaking from. If your cousin can do this to do, imagine what other relatives can do to screw things up for whatever reason.

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Re: Background check of prospective spouse.

Both hubs and my family made simple calls to see what others thought of us. It gets tricky as to who do you really believe if they say oh so and so isnt a good person. I remember my Abbu calling his friend and asking about him. When we went to meet his family, i also talked to his sister and i am sure i got enough info on him as much as she got on me for him :D

There was someone i know looking for a rishta for their sister. They signed up online and a guy was interested amongst others. They called him up, talked to him etc. This other dude is in Pak btw. And when the brother spoke to one of his friends on the phone and asked about him, has he ever been married or engaged before, the friend goes yeah, didnt he tell you? he also has a kid. I guess the rishta dude failed to mention that. Or the friend was m aking it up.

20

I guess that depends on how much you trust them.If I would be having enough doubts about him to feel the need of a background check, then I wouldn't marry him.

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