So for those of you who hold non-Pakistani citizenship and have gone/are going through the rishta process, have you ever experienced how a lot of Pakistani people are desperate to go “abroad” (topic at hand = sponsorship) yet they hold a strong bias against non-resident Pakistanis?
I grew up in Pakistan and Canada, so I have a bit of both cultures in me. My family is quite traditional, despite having been out of Pakistan for many years now (i.e. we know how to respect elders, understand the value of relationships and that family takes precedence over career, we speak urdu / dress in desi clothes at home, don’t drink/smoke/go clubbing/etc). So after graduation, my parents started taking proposals seriously and due to limited contacts here, they decided to try in Pakistan. But so far, we have had all bad experiences. This one family, in particular, had so many concerns:
-the girl has probably dated a lot of guys and done unspeakable things, so she is likely not a virgin
-girl’s parents will be too involved/controlling after marriage
-if the girl is working, she will keep supporting her parents after marriage (which is unacceptable, to them)
-the guy will forever be indebted to the girl for sponsoring him and so he will always “have to” agree with the in laws or else…
-the girl won’t cook food (and God forbid, might even expect the guy to help with the cleaning) because she is probably too independent and westernized (i.e. wants equal rights … contrary to Islam, where husband should be the main breadwinner and he is the majaazi khuda)
Once I started talking to the guy on the phone, slowly we developed an understanding and he realized my family isn’t like the above. However, they have had a recent divorce in the family where their bahu did have the above traits and the marriage didn’t work because both parties wanted different things. So perhaps due to that, they had these preconceived notions that they *just *couldn’t get over and decided not to proceed further.
I wonder why even bother in the first place and waste everyone’s time when you know from the get go that you have all these issues? I understand it must be hard for them after what they went through … at the same time, it isn’t fair that they didn’t take the time to get to know us first before forming a judgment.
This was just one example, but I find that a lot of people have these stereotypes against baahir ki larkiyan. Yet they do the rishta because they can’t wait to get out of Pakistan and become a millionaire overnight. They will settle for an average looking girl who is a US/UK/CDN citizenship holder but once married they won’t fail to remind her, “tumse hazaar darjay khubsoorat larki tu humein pakistan main mil sakti thi, tum tu kuch khas nahin.” It’s a bit depressing
why dont u try finding someone in Canada. there's as many guys in canada as in pakistan and you'll most likely get along more with a guy from canada, than from pakistan. just cuz a guy is frm pakistan doesnt mean he's "good"...they bring their own baggage of issues, one example being they prejudge u. i say sit tight, and what you're meant for will happen.
i dont know why grls are always fretting over this issue...looking right and left, and getting worked up over retarded issues/judgments. sit tight, when the right guy's supposed to come along, he will...from canada, USA, UK or pakistan.
as Icicle said, there are both good and bad guys/girls both in Canada and Pakistan so you have to be careful and do your homework before committing to anyone. be realistic and rational in expectations and be willing to give N take [be able to compromise]...Good Luck! :)
This is very old news...a lot of people hold similar views...here in the US and in Pakistan.
They only change their perspectives after coming here and having their own kids...that's when they stop talking because their own daughters are now the same "bahir ki larkiyan" they judged back in the day.
So what if they say such things? Who cares? You don't have to marry him if he isn't the right guy.
i dont know why grls are always fretting over this issue...looking right and left, and getting worked up over retarded issues/judgments. sit tight, when the right guy's supposed to come along, he will...from canada, USA, UK or pakistan.
:)
I am not the one getting worked up; parents are and rightly so (there is a big shortage of competent single guys). We would ideally like to find someone in Canada but so far haven't had much luck (a lot of guys aren't very educated and the ones who are, they are too westernized or too stuck up), hence thought of expanding the horizons.
Narrow minded people exist everywhere. I thought Canada had a large desi community? I honestly don't understand how people can say that they can't find a guy in Canada (or even the U.S.). What surprises me even more is when girls go look for someone who was born/raised exclusively in Pakistan....and then are surprised that their (the guys) views are different! Anyway....moving on....
-if the girl is working, she will keep supporting her parents after marriage (which is unacceptable, to them)
-the girl won't cook food (and God forbid, might even expect the guy to help with the cleaning) because she is probably too independent and westernized (i.e. wants equal rights ... contrary to Islam, where husband should be the main breadwinner and he is the majaazi khuda
Umm.....whether the guy is from Pakistan or Canada......would you really consider marrying a man who believes that a wife should not provide any type of support for her parents? Would you really consider a man who believes that a husband should not help his wife the the housework? You don't consider yourself lucky that you found out all these traits about this guy BEFORE the marriage? Or would it have been better that these "views" are revealed to you after the nikah?
So what if they say such things? Who cares? You don't have to marry him if he isn't the right guy.
Well, because my mom keeps telling me ghar larkiyan banaati hain, ziada tumhein hi compromise karna parega, there is no such as "perfect" and so on. I have no problem with putting in the effort to build a family, but I feel like it is extremely difficult to change peoples' mentality. It's possible but it may take years to do so. If they have been brought up thinking from a certain angle, there is little that can be done to change that.
Narrow minded people exist everywhere. I thought Canada had a large desi community? I honestly don't understand how people can say that they can't find a guy in Canada (or even the U.S.). What surprises me even more is when girls go look for someone who was born/raised exclusively in Pakistan....and then are surprised that their (the guys) views are different! Anyway....moving on....
Umm.....whether the guy is from Pakistan or Canada......would you really consider marrying a man who believes that a wife should not provide any type of support for her parents? Would you really consider a man who believes that a husband should not help his wife the the housework? You don't consider yourself lucky that you found out all these traits about this guy BEFORE the marriage? Or would it have been better that these "views" are revealed to you after the nikah?
Aray yar, I am not the one doing the "looking". It's 100% arranged. I get involved if parents are satisfied. And we are not looking for someone born/raised exclusively in Pakistan. But my personal preference is, if the guy is more pakistani than westernized (regardless of where he lives). I love Urdu adab, Ghazals, Shayari, Pakistani fashion, Pak traditions. And I would like a guy who can relate to all of this. And I don't really want to move to US or Pakistan or anywhere else. So it's either find someone in Canada or sponsor someone from Pakistan.
There is plenty of fish in the sea but sometimes luck plays a big part too. The families have to get along, the couple needs to be (somewhat) compatible, goals in life should align, etc. There are a lot of factors to be considered. So it's not that surprising if people say they cannot find good matches where they're living.
Anyhow, yes I am glad I found out sooner rather than later. But we were talking to them for a few months so it hurts to see the time wasted and getting your hopes up for nothing in the end.
Narrow minded people exist everywhere. I thought Canada had a large desi community? I honestly don't understand how people can say that they can't find a guy in Canada (or even the U.S.). What surprises me even more is when girls go look for someone who was born/raised exclusively in Pakistan....and then are surprised that their (the guys) views are different! Anyway....moving on....
Umm.....whether the guy is from Pakistan or Canada......would you really consider marrying a man who believes that a wife should not provide any type of support for her parents? Would you really consider a man who believes that a husband should not help his wife the the housework? You don't consider yourself lucky that you found out all these traits about this guy BEFORE the marriage? Or would it have been better that these "views" are revealed to you after the nikah?
Aray yar, I am not the one doing the "looking". It's 100% arranged. I get involved if parents are satisfied. And we are not looking for someone born/raised exclusively in Pakistan. But my personal preference is, if the guy is more pakistani than westernized (regardless of where he lives). I love Urdu adab, Ghazals, Shayari, Pakistani fashion, Pak traditions. And I would like a guy who can relate to all of this. And I don't really want to move to US or Pakistan or anywhere else. So it's either find someone in Canada or sponsor someone from Pakistan.
There is plenty of fish in the sea but sometimes luck plays a big part too. The families have to get along, the couple needs to be (somewhat) compatible, goals in life should align, etc. There are a lot of factors to be considered. So it's not that surprising if people say they cannot find good matches where they're living.
Anyhow, yes I am glad I found out sooner rather than later. But we were talking to them for a few months so it hurts to see the time wasted and getting your hopes up for nothing in the end.
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Only somewhat compatible?? Really? For someone whose been raised here, that's good enough for you?
The time wasting thing is the reason I think families need to keep an open mind and let the children talk and meet before the parents get too involved with each other. This always happens where parents spend months discussing the future and their wants etc and then the children decide to get involved only to find out its not going to work out. And then everyones surprised and disappointed and hurt on both sides. Why waste time and put the two doing the marrying in contact first. Agreed with paheli, don't go looking in another country and feel surprised at the different mind sets you come across. I'm surprised that you can't seem to find educated people where you live, I can understand if you don't click with someone but to say that there arent educated guys in Canada is an under statement because I don't know very many Canadian guys that aren't educated. Having a lot of girls in my family, I have seen many rishtas come through and education isn't an issue. More so compatibility is...
As for the topic, don't stress too much. When the right guy and family comes along.. these things wouldn't matter. Not everyone is the same and you will find someone who doesn't care about all this. InshaAllah.
