[b]Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :(

Lifestyle Relationships
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I’m only 15 so it might seem a bit early to be pondering such things and my concerns may seem frivolous, but the prospect has come up and time is slipping through my fingers. And I won’t be able to move forward if I don’t talk these issues out.

I’m the kinda girl who grew up watching fairy tales and dreaming that there are always blessings and joys to be found in everything. Obviously, reality struck and I understand that things aren’t nearly so great. But even in the harsh scape of reality, I’ve heard of people having wonderful and extremely happy marriages, so I can’t help but wonder if such bliss could ever be attainable for me.

But I’ve got a few big problems…

I’m extremely worried that I’ll never find the right guy. I know it won’t be a matter of lack of options, but it’s just that I don’t think I’ve ever met a Muslim guy who would fall even close to the type of husband I want and I can’t imagine that he’ll just pop up out of thin air either. The likely prospects for me involve guys who are wealthy, good-looking, educated, and probably have financially great futures ahead of them… But absent from their beings are the things that truly matter to me: good hearts, deep faith, kindness, maturity…

Am I just being silly? Does the playing field magically clear up in a few years- will time change the immature guys I know now? Will the guy I’m looking for ride up on a magical horse someday? Does it ever really work out like that?

I’m a pretty unique person, and that’s one of my biggest problems… I’m extremely spiritual and religious, and think very deeply about everything and love philosophy and acquiring knowledge- my IQ’s reputedly over 150 and I’ve been spouting poetic masterpieces since I was a kid. I don’t think I could handle marrying a guy who didn’t at least match me intellectually, but it doesn’t seem likely… Not because I’m superior in any respect, but that just doesn’t seem to be where most peoples’ focus is nowadays. I want a guy with a fairly open-minded outlook on things and a modern knowledge of the world, but at the same time, I’d need him to uphold old-fashioned values about decency, morality, and the greatest clincher: he’d have to be very religious. Religion is the biggest factor in what I want, but it’s problematic because I’m faced with a challenge…

Most of the guys I know who have grown up here in America are very distant from Islam, because they’ve been very influenced by the pollutions of the culture and really lost their roots. But then I feel like I’d be at a loss marrying someone raised in Pakistan, because although he’d probably be pleasantly down to earth and religious, there would probably be a lot of things we could never relay to each other and a lot of ideas we would never understand… The cultural barriers could be extremely hard to overcome, and I’d want him to be knowledgable about the world on at least my level, but it’d be hard if he had a completely different viewpoint on things altogether.

In conclusion, I basically can’t imagine myself EVER getting married… but the problem is, I really want to and it’s always been a huge dream of mine.
Of all the guys I’ve ever met, though, the only ones who were anything like what I want were completely out of the range (ie. different religion).

And I know that I’m going to have to get married whether I like it or not, and I’ll probably experience some amount of pressure in the process…

So I think I’m basically doomed for a loveless marriage, and I’m preparing my mind for the likelihood already…

It isn’t that I’m not willing to be flexible, but I don’t want to live the rest of my life pretending to respect someone…

But my question is, is that how it really turns out a lot of the time? To have to pretend you respect someone, and be satisfied with that?

I guess a possible reason for my excessive concern is that I’ve never seen great stabillity or peace in my parents’ own relationship, and I’m slightly afraid that the cycle will continue itself…

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :(

in a matter of months life can change dramatically, forget months, even days.
yes finding a partner who matches you step for step is extremly hard but it isnt impossible
you say you are extremely spiritual and religious, then i believe you have nothing to worry about
Have Faith in Allah to help you and guide you when the time is right.

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :(

you're 15. end of story.

by the time you hit 20, and marriage is a real issue in the eye of everyone around you, then all those fairytales will set themselves up right. you would have seen more of the world, met more people, and automatically, you're ideal changes from a prince charming to a human being.

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :(

My point is... I have definitely realized that nothing does work out like a fairytale, but some people do end up with real, satisfactory relationships- which is what I'm inquiring about.

I don't know if hitting 20 will actually be the issue, which is why I'm asking. I already know some of my serious prospects and have childhood friends who have recently been married at ages 15, 16, and 17. People here think fast.

I think my ideal is about the furthest thing from 'prince charming'. Prince Charming- the looks, money; that's easily found, and I don't care about that. Finding a human being; one with intellect, compassion, faith, spirituality, etc., is where the real challenge lies, and again, that's what I'm asking about. Is holding out for such a guy practical, or should I go ahead and consider a guy who has all the worldly successes and wait for the depth to come later?

Because I've heard from some that waiting it out can mean having great difficulty actually finding someone at all later on, while others seem to find satisfactory partners if they give the process time.

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :(

^ I don't know how much of it is about waiting it out and how much of it is about simply making an informed and calculated decision when the time comes...as opposed to jumping the gun and making assumptions as to the intellect (or lack thereof) of a potential partner.

It's very difficult to understand an individual's stance on life and religion etc within only a few meetings (which let's face it, is what little opportunity we tend to get when we meet our potential life partners; where arranged marriages are concerned)

Perhaps you should come up with a set of questions you would like your potential husband to answer (knowing f course what you'd like those answers to be) This might seem like a very clinical way of getting to the nitty gritty of an individual's morality and psyche but it may prove useful and I know that people do now adopt this kind of technique in separating the wheat from the chaff so to speak

I agree with Khumar to some extent, you are still in school (I'd guess?) and there is still a kaleidescope of possibilities out there for you. Not only in terms of relationships but in terms of building your life outside of that concern too. Once you've finished your education and got yourself safely on your way to a career, it is almost inevitable that you'll find yourself a changed person from the 15 year old that you know now.

Also, you may find that you are suddenly in contact with many more people 'on your level' once you start working, as you are likely to work with those of the same calibre and with similar interests to some degree...

My advice would be to wait a while yet before making decisions about marriage...however, do start thinking of what qualities your future spouse should possess and keep an open mind...it might not be so great to find someone exactly like you...sometimes a little variety can be refreshing and we can all learn something from others...Good luck :)

Oh and by the way, I totally sympathise with the statement about the 'right' kind of guys always being a different religion...I am renouned for falling for the one who is way out of the spectrum! :)

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :(

No pun intended but you sound like a typical 15 year old, u'll change as you grow up. Just forget about marriage for the time being.

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :(

15? faints

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :(

your 15 and already thinking about marriage? wow. its probably going to be along time away when you even contemplate about getting married. concentarte on school b/c tahts whats most important at this age, not issues like marriage

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :(

To disappoint you again, all good men are taken! So either concentrate on your studies or do a 40 day chilla to find a good man! Either way, Good luck!

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :(

You are 15 for God's sake. Shut up and go to school.

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :(

i think if a 15 years old have questions then we shouldnt just say shut up to her.

though its a young age to think of. but most of us do think about it some how may be not all of us give it a thought.

my advice is to be hopefull, and dont worry about it very much. and have faith dont think there arent guys who matches your criteria or share passions as yours. surely life is not fairy tale but if you exist in this world there are many like you girls and guys and also asian!

so be hopefull, concentrate on studies and immediate goals in life keep this thought positive and set it aside.

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :(

you're only 15, just chill out and not worry. Things get better later on :)

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :frowning:

hahahaha yaar kabhi toh bacchon ko chorr diya karr..but yeah tough love is needed at times I guess

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :frowning:

yes…it is quite early to ponder on such things…nevertheless u did…so well…

lol…i wonder the same thing… insha’allah everything will work out…for the both of us…

exactly wht most girls dream about…regardless of their age…whether they be 15 or 19…

but there are still ppl there who are religious…it depends on the social circle u r in…

No u are not being silly…u r only asking the questions well ahead of time …well not everyone become mature as they age…take GS as an example…here there are a few ppl who are quite young…but still very mature…& i really really respect them…& then @ the same time there are ppl who are quite of age…but quite immature…

:cb:…Noooo…he will knock on ur front door & ask ur parents for ur hand in marriage…all u have to do is follow ur heart in saying YES/NO…never …i mean NEVER say yes /no under pressure…

umm…u r just 15…there’s a lot ahead of you…

well if u r from those ppl who believe in love before marriage…& u have an arranged marriage..then yes u r doomed…but if you are from those ppl who believe in love after marriage…then NO…u r NOT doomed…& u r quite intelligent so i’m sure u’l work out everything…& live happily(insha’allah)…try to have a positive thinking most of the time…

:hmmm:..well respect cannot be demanded…respect is earned…so there is nothing like pretending to respect someone…
& yes…a person HAS to be flexible in something as huge as marriage…
u should treat every individual just like u expect to be treated…
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Have Faith in Allah to help you and guide you when the time is right.
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wht sidz_angel said is quite true…but you will still have such queries in mind till the time u r finally married…just like for our exams…even though we are fully prepared…we are tensed up till the time we get our paper’s in hand…once we get the paper…& we read the questions…we are not tensed anymore…we just write down all tht we know…
the same way…u will be full of questions & fears till u get married…& once u r married…u just try ur best to work it out in the best possible manner…

for me it is…abhi sey i’m getting doses of it…& once i’m 20 then there will be lot of pressure from ppl around…

i agree with tht…
so well…finally all you can do is have faith in allah(swt)…& don let this fear turn into something huge…
:hugz:insha’allah u’l have a blissful marriage in future…

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :frowning:

^^

wow only 3 smilies…faints :hayaa:

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :frowning:

^
:smilestar:… yahaan bhi naheen choraa…:naraz:

Radio Show : Aunty Nami Answers your Qs
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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :frowning:

:cb: my thoughts exactly.

however…it’s not a bad idea to think about the future in terms of marriage, studies etc…but no need to be worried about it at this point…you have a long way to go inshAllah. Circumstances change, people change and life in general changes…so you should just wait and see what happens when the time comes.

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :(

Come on folks, give the girl a break. Most girls, at least most normal girls, dream about getting married as soon as they hit puberty and start planning. Secondly, this girl does sound reasonably intelligent, this is based solely on her writing.

With that said, listen up missy, someone else said it up ^ here but I'll say it again, if you are indeed 'deeply spiritual' as you claim, you would know from the Quran that the righteous shall not fear nor grieve. You fear what lies in the future, God says that as long as you have faith in Him and His plans, and submit to His will, you'll be just fine. He is the Best Planner.

Secondly, a lot of your notions will change as you get older. I know that right now you might think you know exactly who you are and what you want, but I assure you, that WILL change. The burden of genius is heavy, you are intelligent and you think you know it all, and you may know a lot more than most, but you still haven't been exposed to a lot of experiences. Trust me, you will enjoy getting older and learning more and as you do, your opinions/views/romantic notions, will all change.

Finally, yes, there are people with blissful marriages, I can say that about myself and I've been married for seven wonderful years. So, keep the faith, and for now enjoy being 15, no bills, no job, no mortgage, no schedules, relax. And yes, those idiot boys who are your age right now, will eventually grow out of their idiot ways, for the most part, never completely.

Cheers!

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :(

DarkEyedDreamer.....mashallah, you have very good writing skills, and i can guess your level of intelligence from it. Your age is 15, but your maturity/mental age is more than that; probably in late 20s when girls seriously think about a partner. That's why you are thinking ahead of time. Don't worry about that issue right now, and divert your concerns to something which is important. And the important thing is, you can really make a difference using your intellect. Be it in academics, research, religion, other innovations etc. I'm sure you can do a lot better than others :biggthumb

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Re: **Can anyone relate to my marriage concerns? :frowning:

-ditto-