the only thing that disturbs me in divorce cases is how come men get remarry within few months of divorce? why no body ever questions their ability to b a good husband next time. how many times the new to-b wife for this divorced guy actually meets the ex-wife n her family n asks their side of story. i think in most cases the guys n their families put all the blame on the ex-wife n themselves pull an innocent face "larki bud-zubaan thee, izzat nahi kerti thee hum tu usay apni baiti ki tarah rekhtay thay " OR" bad character thee "OR else"hum ne buhat koshish ke us ki minaatain keen wo nahi mani aur talaq lai lee"
i seriously feel that new generation should change standards now. instead of being critical abt a divorce lady its now time to giv a divorce guy n his family real hard time. only then they'll learn to b more mellow. coz right now its a very common concept" mard ko dosri mil jaiy gee, aurat ko jhukna chahiay" so the guys n inlaws feel no pressure from society n behaves in the most irrational ways.
Mabrook, I totally agree with you , very well said… Women are vulnerable and hence easy target …
Men do very very easily get away with anything they say without being questioned about their ability to be a good husband …
The perspective change will take years to happen before it reflects in the culture .. and Mabrook notice that it happens the most in our desi culture .. women folk are not targetted as viciously in the west , but amongst muslim countries and cultures , its as if women are responsible for anything going wrong inthe men’s lives .. dunno why:smack:
[QUOTE]
i seriously feel that new generation should change standards now. instead of being critical abt a divorce lady its now time to giv a divorce guy n his family real hard time.
[/QUOTE]
Agreed. It's often too easy for men to get married after a divorce. For whatever reason, people too often put the blame on the ex wife and everybody is eager to believe it.
Then again, this happens quite a bit too. Scratch said it best:
[QUOTE]
I know of several very recent cases where girls behaved totally irrationally and unfairly towards the husbands and their families, despite the latter party doing everything to save the marriage. In all the cases, the poor-girl-victim-card was used extremely effectively by the girls to get out of the marriage to either marry a former flame or pursue material goals after realizing that marriage and family is too much of a responsibility for them to handle. Left some very responsible, mature and decent guys wondering where did they go wrong.
[/QUOTE]
Either of the above two scenarios is bad news. People need to view each potential spouse with an open mind. Divorce should prompt some close questioning and investigation, definitely. But ultimately, it's that person's "sharafat," open-mindedness, intelligence, and kindness that should win the day...divorced or not.
i also like to add that when u do general investigation for a rishta mostly who r u gonna ask abt the guy n his family? the friends, the relatives, the co-workers or the neighbours? most ppl hav good faces for the society n show their ugly faces only behind the walls of their houses. also i see this trend that when u start investigating ppl only say good things" buhat acha rishta hai. buhat achay log hain. hum tu bachpan se jantay hain" but at the end they don't always prove themselves like that n then if u go back to same ppl n ask again they'll say" humain kia pata k aisay hon gay. daikhnay main tu bilkul nahi lagtay"
Of course, if you ask the potential person (whether it's a guy or girl), the family of the potential, friends, etc. they are very likely going to say good things. And yeah, people have public faces and private faces.
But it's very difficult to keep an act up constantly. If the person is into something bad, chances are someone might know about it. That's why in the best of situations, the parents of the girl or boy ask and ask and ask around.
But you can only do so much. That's why marriage is a gamble. You do as much investigation as you can, you pray to Allah for the best, and you make your decision.
Agreed. It's often too easy for men to get married after a divorce. For whatever reason, people too often put the blame on the ex wife and everybody is eager to believe it.
Then again, this happens quite a bit too. Scratch said it best:
Either of the above two scenarios is bad news. People need to view each potential spouse with an open mind. Divorce should prompt some close questioning and investigation, definitely. But ultimately, it's that person's "sharafat," open-mindedness, intelligence, and kindness that should win the day...divorced or not.
may be when next time a divorcee wants to remarry ppl should go n talk to both ex partners n their families so whoever will b bluffing n lying it will b easy to detect. i dunno but i always thought abt it that when divorce happens mostly coz of mental/physical n emotional abuse like esclairs where she wasn't allowed to eat then such cases should b taken to media. the girls n their families should approach TV channels n local newspapers. badnami tu shaid larki ki bhi ho but these culprits will b exposed n all they did will b on record.
but these r very bold steps n ppl esp girls families hav to learn to b this much bold n daring.
[QUOTE]
i dunno but i always thought abt it that when divorce happens mostly coz of mental/physical n emotional abuse like
[/QUOTE]
It is like that, a lot of times and I think we all hope that people who treat their spouses like that will get what's coming to them.
But not all the time. I know of one case where both were basically forced/blackmailed into the marriage by less than understanding families. They both tried their hardest, bless them, but it didn't work. They ended it, but remain on good terms, Alhamdullillah, and both now lead happy lives with the spouse of their own choosing and keep their outraged families at a distance.
No abuse, no harsh words. Just something that didn't work.
Another case had to do with a girl who, it was later discovered, was having an affair. Husband adored her and it nearly broke him. Took him 5 years to get over the split.
I'm so sorry for all those of you girls who went through such terrible marriage problems...
Oddly enough I've got an accquaintance who told me she would never ever divorce her husband no matter what he did to her, instead she would tell everyone how he abused her in order to make him look bad among the Muslim community. She believes if a girl divorces her husband and has a daughter with him that daughter will never be able to marry into a good family due to her mother's "weakness of leaving the man"...In her opinion staying within such a marriage is a sign of strength.
Now don't get me wrong my friend isn't physically abused or anything she is fine, but I find her whole view completely out of the world. Islam gave us the right to divorce, nobody deserves to be humiliated like that.
i agree with her that yes our society is that much cruel that it will punish a daughter for wat her mom did."ma nahi nibah saki tu baiti kia nibhaiy gee" n yes its not easy living in unhappy relations n if a mom is doing it just for her kid's sake she is one strong lady n not weak.
i also like to add that when u do general investigation for a rishta mostly who r u gonna ask abt the guy n his family? the friends, the relatives, the co-workers or the neighbours? most ppl hav good faces for the society n show their ugly faces only behind the walls of their houses. also i see this trend that when u start investigating ppl only say good things" buhat acha rishta hai. buhat achay log hain. hum tu bachpan se jantay hain" but at the end they don't always prove themselves like that n then if u go back to same ppl n ask again they'll say" humain kia pata k aisay hon gay. daikhnay main tu bilkul nahi lagtay"
yes but then if the person tells u "bad" stuff about them, how likely are we to believe them? we can always blame the third person for being jealous, or whatever. And often times in many cases, they just may be. Like neighbors who have unmarried daughters of their own will badmouth another girl just so they can get a rishta.
Im a divorcee with one child. I separated while i was pregnant,
it was the hardest time in my life. The emotional and verbal abuse started
as soon as i got married, and it followed with physical abuse while i was pregnant.
I was living in a joint family. My inlaws would fill my ex against me as soon as he got back from work. Everyday i had to listen to his yelling, then i would quietly cry.
One day he beat me up really hard. I felt humuliated, ashamed, i felt my soul crush while i was lying there with a life inside me. There was a complete black out, i wasnt unconcious but i stopped thinking, i couldnt think.It took a while to get my thoughts back.
I just wanted my baby to be alive in me. I was left alone in the room, while all my in laws were in the house avoiding me.
Cut long story short, i left him. He didnt avail the opportunity of living outside pakistan and seeing his own son. If he had, i wouldve lived with him for the sake of my son. But he divorced me, and that too in a most low and deceptive manner.
If you ask me, i dont regret anything. Had i gone back to him, i wouldve been
beaten up everyday infront of my own son, but alhumdulillah he ended it himself.
Im now recovering from divorce and have a baby to look after.
Yes i do wish there was more investigation and getting to know time before tying the knot, then it wouldve made a difference.
^ the more i'm reading abt everyone's stories i feel i'm gonna cry soon. djmi n all others may Allah make things easy for u n ur kids.
its soo dsturbing but y on earth ppl abuse their own partners the ones they loved,married, slept with, had kids with? for their mothers y they abuse mothers of their own kids? looks to me all parents teach their sons how to respect their moms n sisters (khabardar jo ma se oonchi awaz mai baat ki ya ma ko javab dia, khaberdaar jo behan pe haath uthaya)but they r never taught to respect a wife n mothers of their child.( zuban chalati hai do thappar khainch k maro aqal thikanay aa jaiy gee) n then these men where r their senses??? why can't they think k jo izzat ma. behan k liay hai wohi dosri aurat ya bivi k liay kuoon nahin honi chahiay. apni ma,behan ko saat khoon maaf aur bivi ko zara se ghalti bhi maaf nahi....logon ko Allah ka khauf khatam ho gaya hai. duniya mai FIRON banay baithay hain aur firon ka hasher bhole gaaiy hain.
You can try various strategies to making a marriage work......but there are some things that are not to be tolerated such as frequent abuse. Abuse is not only confined to hitting. Even emotional/psychological abuse will chip away at your soul. And when the marriage becomes dysfunctional to the point that it's beyond repair...............at that point the question is NOT "how should I avoid divorce?"... but.... rather it's "How do I liberate myself from this degrading hell-hole?" If you've given the marriage your best shot and things are only getting worse....it can be a comfort to the victim to know that divorce is not prohibited in Islam.
Allah does not like divorce BUT He has still allowed it.....it's not forbidden. There are things worse than divorce that Allah has prohibited/forbidden. For example, in Hadith Qudsi, Allah has said, **"O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another." **And oppression can take place in a marriage/family as well......and in my opinion it is a valid grounds for divorce especially when despite efforts to salvage the relationship.......things are only getting worse.
Uggh this whole point of view is so desi seriously...I mean if you don't leave the guy your kids will witness how you are beaten up every day, your son might think it's a normal thing to do to a girl, your daughter will think the same and is likely to suffer the same fate if you don't teach her that she is more worth than that...
I agree that most people don't investigate enough, my friend's sister was married at the age of 16 to a guy from whom they thought he was shareef for he was always attending the masjid. He too became physically abusive towards her and ended up beating her down with a chair, he hit her until the freaking chair broke, then he dragged her outside and locked the house, she was forced to walk all the way to her next relatives from whom she borrowed money in order to travel to her parents' home. Those log were Turkish by the way.
I support everything Mabrook said, one should definately be informed about the circumstances of why the marriage ended and also it should become public, those kind of people don't deserve respect.
A man who hits his wife while she is carrying his child? That's just a low human being in my book, a coward who has no respect for anything so he shouldn't be given any back, nor should he get so many chances to re-marry while his ex-wife remains secluded and is disregarded by the community...
There is a lot of truth in both these posts. Couldn't have said it better.
You can try various strategies to making a marriage work......but there are some things that are not to be tolerated such as frequent abuse. Abuse is not only confined to hitting. Even emotional/psychological abuse will chip away at your soul. And when the marriage becomes dysfunctional to the point that it's beyond repair...............at that point the question is NOT "how should I avoid divorce?"... but.... rather it's "How do I liberate myself from this degrading hell-hole?" If you've given the marriage your best shot and things are only getting worse....it can be a comfort to the victim to know that divorce is not prohibited in Islam.
Allah does not like divorce BUT He has still allowed it.....it's not forbidden. There are things worse than divorce that Allah has prohibited/forbidden. For example, in Hadith Qudsi, Allah has said, **"O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another." **And oppression can take place in a marriage/family as well......and in my opinion it is a valid grounds for divorce especially when despite efforts to salvage the relationship.......things are only getting worse.
Uggh this whole point of view is so desi seriously...I mean if you don't leave the guy your kids will witness how you are beaten up every day, your son might think it's a normal thing to do to a girl, your daughter will think the same and is likely to suffer the same fate if you don't teach her that she is more worth than that...
I agree that most people don't investigate enough, my friend's sister was married at the age of 16 to a guy from whom they thought he was shareef for he was always attending the masjid. He too became physically abusive towards her and ended up beating her down with a chair, he hit her until the freaking chair broke, then he dragged her outside and locked the house, she was forced to walk all the way to her next relatives from whom she borrowed money in order to travel to her parents' home. Those log were Turkish by the way.
I support everything Mabrook said, one should definately be informed about the circumstances of why the marriage ended and also it should become public, those kind of people don't deserve respect.
A man who hits his wife while she is carrying his child? That's just a low human being in my book, a coward who has no respect for anything so he shouldn't be given any back, nor should he get so many chances to re-marry while his ex-wife remains secluded and is disregarded by the community...
In some cases, no matter how hard you try it just doesn't work. My mom stayed married to a monster for 9 years. She only stayed in the relationship b/c she thought I would suffer if they divorced, little did she know, that I wanted her to divorce him, as I would often cry myself to sleep hearing my mom scream in agony from the other room, because my dad was literally beating the c*r*a*p out of her every single day for the first 8 years of my life.
my brother had a friend whose sister was married(may be is married) to such a guy who thought himself very strong and practised on his wife. one day the brother with few other friends cornered him and made him feel how it feels like to be the punching bag. i wonder what happened after that.
I am in the process of saving my marriage and avoiding divorce..
Yeah I am a man..all above are women but there are other stories as well..
My wife is at her home from last 4 month with two kids (3 & 1)....she doesn’t want to talk, not answering the phone calls, no reply of emails...
Long story short, she is the only daughter of her parents, father is pretending to be some powerfull man ,and for him nothing is difficult, even killing me and making grave of all my family is just a small job for him..whatever her parents wish she ready to fulfill her and now at the cost of her home..For her taking care of kids is big job and she can’t do that without her mother help.
THIER demand, She will not live with you in KSA ,nor at your home in Pakistan. arrange a home for her near our home and she will live there and if you want you can come back and live there..these mean cut my ties with my parents and my family..she can’t dictate me..she is trying to blackmail me on behalf of my kids.
This is the testing time for me, Allah Aaazmaish daita hai har aik ko.May Allah give me sabar and himmat to tackle this difficult time..
my parents tried for second marriage..then what will happen to my kids, if their mother is not thinking abt their future should i do the same ,new shadi new wife new life and forget about them...Impossible..
I want to save my marriage, How I will do , I don’t know..This is where ALLAH shows his supremacy to human being.
HE is the one most powerful..
I am the only one in both families who want to avoid divorce and save the marriage..and I am sure ,Allah will make the way for me..inshaAllah
hmmm i have a problem too... i may post later in the day today :(
When there are kids in the relationship, it becomes very difficult and makes the whole case more complicated. One should not go for the kids for minimum 6 months of marriage. During that time at least you have some time to know your partner.