Its a well established fact that a divorce is a very painful experience to go through. Alot of our GS friends have shared their personal experience and spoken of the after math of divorce and its acceptability.
As a natural phase , we tend to look back upon things said and done and within our hearts evaluate if it could have been done any differently to save the relationship…
I am keen to explore that particular aspect and invite your opinions … has anyone experienced this thought process after a divorce /separation that perhaps if they had done xyz the marriage could have worked out and the divorce avoided .. what are those elements in ones relationship that can help bring back a marriage that is on the rocks already?
I think it depends upon the basis of the relationship to begin with. Is it certain (solveable) problems that are causing the srtife?? Or is is basic incompatability?
I got married very young and had certain ideas and ideals about what I wanted marriage to be. So did he...and my ex is not an evil person but surely is one whose ideas and ideals vary greatly from mine which did not really come out till after marriage. We married too young, we married with our own separate ideas of what should be...and yeah I could have stayed in the marriage and been unhappy for the rest of my life. Thank goodness I found the strength to get out beccause have a fairy tale life now with my Knight in shining armor and all that.
What was the problem? He wanted kids. I earned lots, he wanted me to earn more. He did not earn like I did so he wanted to stay home, would be the stay-at =-home dad...but he was a nasty drinker. He hated my mom and dad. Did whatever he could to avoid having to visit them...we'd see his parents at every opportunity but it was torture to get him to visit mine. My bonuses bought his parents a house but when I wanted to buy a computer for my dad, he hit the roof and I thought he'd either have a heart attack or beat me up. Things like this are not resolveable, they are the basis for divorce.
Things like too much hanging out with guy-firneds or not being able to effectively communicate, those are things that you can resolve, even if you need to seek assistance. But you know in your heart, when you've walked a mile or so in the shoes of a troublesome marriage, which of the 2 situations apply.
Its a well established fact that a divorce is a very painful experience to go through. Alot of our GS friends have shared their personal experience and spoken of the after math of divorce and its acceptability.
As a natural phase , we tend to look back upon things said and done and within our hearts evaluate if it could have been done any differently to save the relationship...
I am keen to explore that particular aspect and invite your opinions ... has anyone experienced this thought process after a divorce /separation that perhaps if they had done xyz the marriage could have worked out and the divorce avoided .. what are those elements in ones relationship that can help bring back a marriage that is on the rocks already?
witnessed one & didn't like it at all. Love went down the drain,felt sorry for poor kids though.
i got married just after finishing my graduation and i was extremly happy about it.i wanted to make my shadi a dream wedding.it was a complete arranged marriage but i loved him truly madly and deeply.my ex-in-laws were so good with me before my shadi *and my ex-husband was so understanding .he was like m with u so u dont have to worry abt anything.after rukhsati the whole scenario changed.from the very first day they treated me like a maid.i got pregnant soon after shadi and i was hell excited abt it.but my ex werent so happy.i used to do all the house chores..i was emotionally abused and few times my ex -husband hit me so bad.but still i was quiet.i did watever they ordered me.i did everything to please my ex- and his sis n mother.i m a doctor by profession but i never w0rried abt my career,to me their pleasure was everything to me.his sister n his mother used to tell him bad stuff abt me and i was amazed that he blved them.kher the situation was getting worst day by day,i was not allowed to eat anything without their permission.seriously his mother used to lock the fridge all the time.she gave me baasi roti to eat at the time of breakfast.*and stil i made no issue.because i was so happy abt my baby and i loved him. blv u me my doc adviced me to eat alot because i was just 33 kg at the time of my pregnancy .kher i once tried to talk to him abt the situation n he was like..listen if u want to live in this house u have to live with the rules which my mother sets for u.so there was no second complain from my side.i did watever they said.and i never told my parents abt all this because i never wanted them to get worried.
one day i decided to tell my elder sister abt my situation.and she was shocked[bcoz my family never expected my ex-in laws will do such stuff].she called me at once and threatened me to tell all this stuff to amma baba or else she will do that.i cried alot and requested her not to tell this to parents.she didnt tell.but she was concerned abt me.one bad day i was severely dehydrated/hypogylcemic coz i had nuthing to eat that day and i was admitted to hospital.that was the worst day of my life coz i lost my baby.i was mad..i told my parents to take me home with them.my ex- hubby said nuthing n gave me permision to go.then that was the time wen i told my parents abt everything.my soul was badly bruised .i cried like anything and my parents just didnt know wat to do.. finally after going thru discussions with the elder ones in our family they decided to get me divorce.i never wanted to be separated from him.but that was the only way out.and just after three months i was no more his wife.i swear upon ALLAh miyan i did everything to save my marriage.. but nuthing was working..!!
my ex even contacted me after 3 divorces and apologized for wat he did.he told me that he regrets wat he did but it was all over.this is the worst phase of my life so far.it has been almost an yr after my divorce but stil at times i undergo depression.i dont understand y i got such an ugly end to my marriage ,i was the girl who helped everyone.who got loads of prayers from my elders.everyone who used to meet me said that m the most sensible girl of my parents and still i got divorced.such an ugly fate.i lost him.i lost my baby.i kind of lost "my life".
now coming to the topic ..wenever i look back , i realize that there was nuthing left for me to avoid my divorce.i did everything.seriously everything.but may be it was in my fate.n m not happy abt it..but still living my life. =)**
ECLAIRS.. OMG.. Im soooo very sorry for the whole sorry experience u went thru- only a woman knows and feels ur pain ...Inshallah I pray that Allah swt bestows u with health, emaan, happiness and a beautiful person who actually deserves u... uve gone thru alot of emotional and physical turmoil- my heart aches for you.. be strong- u had no option left- u made the best decision and now hun- dont look back- ur life is ahead of you and you have to remain focused and positive-inshallah things will work out for the best..... thank you for being brave and sharing .... Good on you hunny...
yeah ppl can be cruel.very cruel indeed...i just pray that every girl gets the SUPPORTIVE husband.such cruel in laws are the normal thing but to combat them one needs a supportive husband..
anyway thnx everyone for the prayers.m fine Alhumdullilah.i have started concentrating on my career ..MASHALLAh doing great now.
actually my family is very very supportive.wenever m down and hopeless i just talk to my baba and he gives my courage.u know wat my abba never cried in his life or atleast i never saw his tears.but he cried after i got divorce..kher thats the part of life.sum ppl are lucky.and sum are not.
=)
awww eclairs thats nice ur family is there for you and i'm glad u have started to concentrate on ur career...thats a great start and hope u get all the sucess in life : )
i think one can avoid divorce even before getting married.avoid getting married to a wrong family.u r not just getting married to a guy/girl.u r getting married to the whole family.so if they are complete strangers then I-N-V-E-S-T-I-G-A-T-E about them.about him,abt his family,his siblings and his extended family.
and secondly,man can avoid divorce by lo0king at the fact that he is not marrying a girl who has to take care of his family or his siblings.he is wholely solely responsible for taking care of them.its not her duty.if shes taking care of his family then its just because of her husn-e-ikhlaq and one shud be grateful to her.so divorce shudnt be given on this statement that she never cared abt my family.anyway.divorce can be avoided in so many ways.but wen nuthing works "Divorce" is the final deed and it is as bad as it sounds.
=)
my story is similar to yours eclair, in that it only lasted for only four months. the depths of despair and pain i experienced in that short period of time, i can't even begin to convey.
but after months of grief of sadness, i feel like i'm now recovering. wallowing in self pity doesn't really get you anywhere (or put the bread on the table). like some wise old man once said sh*t happens