So I have a dilemma that i, myself fail to understand sometimes so i wanted to ask other people if it happens to them also.
a little background info…i’m married and 25 (i get along with my husband well, find him attractive and think he’s quite good looking)..so now the dilemma. This always happens to me.
Undergrad: was attracted to random boys in class…thought they were cute. i also found some of my professors really attractive..why? because they seemed so intelligent and smart…but at the same time it was disturbing because they’re 50 year old men and i was 21 at the time.
Moving on to professional life: i work with some really intelligent men and thats all they are…some are ok looking, some are good looking and some are 55 years old…(example: was working with a 55 year old boss..he’s not good looking. but he’s so SO SMART. i’m in love with his brain…he complimented me on how i’m doing a really good job and my heartbeat sped up, and my ears got really red). that was an abnormal reaction to him admiring my work…the reason it bothers me is because then it hinders my ability to interact with him properly. i’m too nervous around him to ask questions.
I guess its normal to have crushes and be attracted to different people for several different reasons. But it doesnt stop there for me. My imagination goes to the next step and i start imagining what if i had a secret affair with him(s). Thats what bothers me. I mean i would never act upon it or even consider it a rational thought. In fact it makes me feel guilty/embarrased for thinking such things, esp now that i’m married.
also, once i move on from the situation, i also tend to forget these guys (Whether young and hot or extremely intelligent and old) and when i look back in time, i realize how silly i was for being attracted to whoever it was…but it happens repeatedly and thats what i find disturbing.
i wouldn't call it a healthy relationship if that's how you feel about other men. it usually starts off with some kind of attraction, and you taking it to the point of imagining an affair is just asking for trouble. there's obviously something missing within your marriage, why don't you go talk to your husband about this? pretty sure he deserves to know what's going on in his wife's mind.
This has never happened to me but I'm thinking that this is something else than a crush.
Certainly, I'm not omniscient so I am just guessing here so please take everything I say with a grain of salt but don't dismiss it completely either...I'm not sure what it is but it could be that you're looking for love and acceptance outside of you. And a lot of women confuse sex with love & acceptance. I know you would not act on these feelings but the thought comes into your head. It's also Shaitan's way to mess with you. When you're obsessed with God's creation, you have less time and energy to spend on God.
Just remember that everyone is equal and that if someone is more good looking or smarter or whatever, they are not better than you. The only thing that distinguishes us in God's eyes is our deeds. Our deeds mean nothing without proper intentions. So purify your deeds with pure intentions.
I do apologize if I have become preachy but I'm basing my answers on my own personal experience of realizing that the best way to deal with life's little problems is to use the guidance we've been given through Islam. My intention is to give you something that will help you.
You mention they all are very intelligent....and their brain turns you on....but mention only good looks of your husband...... seems your husband does not stimulate you intellectually............
I think attraction for women in general has a lot more to do with just physical appearance. You mention intelligence more than once, so perhaps you find it lacking in your husband? On top of which, you seem to have too much free time on your mind or may even be bored.
Tell your husband about your crushes and the content of your imaginations. He will see it as an invitation to share his own postmarital crushes and wild fantasies with you. This will result in a squawkward silence between you two...a turning point...after which you will avoid daydreaming about random men cuz you'll be too worried about your own guy.
That means he is not as dumb as some people are assuming him to be. And if he starts sharing his own postmarital fantasies about other women with his wife, it can be deduced that he is actually pretty clever…which will boost his hotness for this reason and also because it produces a sort of competition for his wife…n that automatically raises his value.
i wouldnt bring this up on an online forum, if i thought it was appropriate to discuss this with my hubby/frnds/family.
i dont dwell on these men for weeks/months...its always out of sight, out of mind. i just wanted an opinion on these thoughts in my head (whether i'm the only weirdo, or do other ppl experience this also, even if once in awhile). but thanks i appreciate all the responses...clearly there's something off about me...some sort of unfulfilled/broken/crazy part of my brain.
btw the hubby's not dumb. he has a good job based on his academic performance...so that theory's out.
i wouldnt bring this up on an online forum, if i thought it was appropriate to discuss this with my hubby/frnds/family.
i dont dwell on these men for weeks/months...its always out of sight, out of mind. i just wanted an opinion on these thoughts in my head (whether i'm the only weirdo, or do other ppl experience this also, even if once in awhile). but thanks i appreciate all the responses...clearly there's something off about me...some sort of unfulfilled/broken/crazy part of my brain.
btw the hubby's not dumb. he has a good job based on his academic performance...so that theory's out.
I'm sorry you had to read some of the comments above.
it's natural to develop temporary attraction towards someone you meet and work with on daily basis...but there is only one solution to not let it mess up your mind.
I think you're overthinking this. I do the same thing lol. Being married doesn't make us robots. And frankly....I wouldn't be shocked if our husbands have similar thoughts about women they come across. Do you really think most married people in a forum like this will admit to having thoughts like this even IF they had them? Aside from being desis/Muslim......a lot of members here know each other outside of GS too.
It all boils down to what you do with those thoughts. Heck I think about physically attacking people who irritate me all the time but its not a crime UNLESS I actually go through it now is it? As for your fantasies......I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty/embarrassed as long as those thoughts remain a fantasy. You know your limits. Don't do anything to cross them and you won't have any issues.
P.S. If I mention to my hubby that I find another man attractive....it doesn't bother him (and vice versa). Unless you know for a fact that your husband has a similar personality.....I wouldn't recommend you share these thoughts with him.
I think you like older men...its as simple as that. Their experience, maturity and brains impress you because they're a step ahead of you. Your husband is your equal so even though you find him attractive - you don't find him challenging.
That's what I get out of all this.
Spend more time with your husband...that's what I'd do.
The laws of our beautiful religion are built on each other. When one follows them everything else becomes easier. The lowering the gaze is not only for men but women too. Try to fill your head with good thoughts rather than bad.