Its better not to ask direct questions in the first or second meeting. But at least, the girl can convey to the guy what values does she observe and how she has been leading her life. This will be the first step towards making the guy know about the girl and what expectations she has from the guy. Of course, if a girl has been leading a good life, she expects that the guy would be at least not a playboy. Very liberal and broad minded guy would distance himself with such a girl if he thinks that there is much differences in the values followed by them. After a few meetings and when they have formed some comfort level with each other, the girl can lightly ask about any past relationships or whether the guy had previously liked any girl. The guy may not tell the truth, but at least he would know that this is something important for the girl.
The background check on the guy will be most useful and asking his friends, colleagues about his character and habits will enable to know about the kind of person he is. But some light and frank discussion between the girl and guy will break the ice between them and enable the girl to convey the information on the values she follows along with observing the behaviour of the guy. If the guy becomes very frank in the first meeting, wants to hold hands, starts talking in very intimate manner... all these are red flags and can identify his thurki nature. Talking and observing is the best thing but don't expect that he will tell you the truth. However, it will still be useful.
i agree with "after a few meetings part" but what is the point of conveying message in the very first meeting. Sounds very odd to me, and i dont even think that the guy will admit any thing. As far as letting the guy know about girl's expectation is concerned, i dont think there is any point in doing that because expectations are much higher in arrange marriages and this applies to all girls. Koi b larki nahi chahti k har jagha mun marnay wala bakra usay milay :).
As far as letting the guy know about girl's expectation is concerned, i dont think there is any point in doing that because expectations are much higher in arrange marriages and this applies to all girls. Koi b larki nahi chahti k har jagha mun marnay wala bakra usay milay :).
The point is to let the guy know about the strict values of the girl and if he thinks they both differ alot in their values, perhaps the guy will back off. Majority of desi guy want a shareef girl irrespective of the number of girls he himself has slept around. But such conversation and discussion will lead to observing the behaviour of the guy. If he thinks there is nothing wrong in having relationships before marriage (emotional and physical), he might had been engaged in some activities previously. The point is to know his values and opnions and relate them to his activities. This conversation can only get started if the girl tells the guy about her own values.
and if i remember correctly…most of you were advising a girl to “not disclose your past relationships”…doing that is “not lieing”…its just “withholding unnecessary information”…
and now you want the girl to ask the same question…and want/expect the guy to answer truthfully…
ask all the questions u want, but be ready to answer same questions yourself.
Seems like you know everything about "sharab/larkiyan/club" inside out eh? so been there, done that?
um whoa. you don't even know me, so calm down. I know about what the more modern lot (boys AND girls) because I'm not jahil and I don't live in a cave. I went to school away from home and had to uphold my own values without my parents. That's why I feel so strongly about it and that is also why (sadly) I have a hard time accepting that most guys/girls DONT engage in such behavior. I didn't aur meray chand dost bhi shareef thay but we were the odd sheep in the entire paki community at school. People said we were backwards and closeminded for not wanting to go clubbing. And these comments came from people from families that were shareef and namazee. I have a good friend whose family values are the same as mine but her brother (who at first glancewould be someone that ANY shareef /khandaani family would DIE to have their daughter marry) drinks, parties, and is well known among the indian scene for sleeping around. THAT is my biggest concern. He's had discussions with me in front of his sister about alcohol but his comments are always about how its haram and wrong etc.
I am totally against this. I mean, I have tried to stay away from stuff like this BECAUSE I want to be able to answer truthfully without shame or guilt. So I agree…everyone must be honest. I don’t know how to expect the guy to be honest though IF he has, given that he IS from a shareef family that would really frown on any such behavior.
If you ask him directly.. there is a big chance that he will deny it immediately (if he has done these things). I think these things are verified in back ground checking.
we have done background checking. the family is shareef. problem is boy has not lived w/ family very much due to schooling/job and there's always bad apples.
kayz, you never know man, there are ppl i know that come from very good family back grounds but their sons and daughters is involved in very sort of wrong activity while their parents are unaware of it.
my first suggestion to you soconfused is that get someone on your side from your family brother or sister, could be your best friend too. ask them to observe, which later on you can sit down and find out that the two of you observed was the same or not. what you have to observe is the behaviour. and get a vibe. you can ask for clarifications later. then ask your parents what do they think. try to gather as much data without asking too personal questions and then decide do you need to meet again or not.
also someone must have done a background check from your side. so you must know where is he from, where he grew up, what he studied, where is he working, what university did he go to etc.
yeah , chaan peen tho karlee hai, but my parents still need to talk to the relatives in pak since both of our families are well known in the area so we'll see what comes out of that. my parents just wanted to wait until the guy and I talked a little since rishtaydaar have a tendency to make huge deals out of every rishta that comes so they want to wait. We've asked around here in the community and those that know the family hav enothing but nice things to say. From my interaction with his family (and the sister talks to me on FB) they seem normal and shareef. But my concern is that he hasn't lived with his family very much so for all I know he could have some illegitimate child hidden away (k, Im kidding...but you get what I'm getting at).
soconfused...........there is only so much you can do........... at the end of the day....you have to take a 'leap of faith'...........if your family has done decent amount of background check.........thats all that can be done really.....
if he had done those things, i don't think he would come forward and tell you...which means the following things:
You reject the rishta
His parents find out about his past activities
Other people find out about his 'bad character'
He is basically shamed by everyone
His relation with his family is damaged a lot
now if he forsees all those things, do you think he will do it??
I'm so sorry if this is a redundant question (I tried searching the other threads but couldn't find anything) or if it's a dumb question but I was wondering...if it's a completely arranged marriage and you're basically expected to meet each other 1-2x (for those of you that read my other stuff..the guy's family called back and larka yahah aara hai but limited time hai because he has to fly to europe as his quarter starts october), how do you go about asking certain things.
Maybe I'm just really paranoid because of the types of guys I had the misfortune of meeting in my college days, but the whole sharab/larkiyan/club scene freaks me out. He's from a shareef family but we all know how that means nothing nowadays.
I have very few "dealbreakers" but permarital sex/alcohol would be something that I want to know about so I can go into a union knowing what to expect/he's done. So yeah, how does one go about bringing up such topics EVER (even if we were to continue talking afterwards). Main problem is that larkay walay want to finalize things before i start school again and he goes back.
Believe me, you can't risk asking anything even 10% close to these questions unless you want to scare him away :). Unfortunately people claim to be very "open minded"and wanting to marry someone with good exposure BUT they can't take an open mind especially if you are a girl :). SO unless you see alot of issues in this particular rishta, you shouldnt mess it up.
It's not that hard to check up on the prospect and his family, infact you can get to know alot about him without having to ask him. Just find the right reliable people to do the work for you.
soconfused...........there is only so much you can do........... at the end of the day....you have to take a 'leap of faith'...........if your family has done decent amount of background check.........thats all that can be done really.....
if he had done those things, i don't think he would come forward and tell you...which means the following things:
You reject the rishta
His parents find out about his past activities
Other people find out about his 'bad character'
He is basically shamed by everyone
His relation with his family is damaged a lot
now if he forsees all those things, do you think he will do it??
yeah that's waht I was thinking. I would never wan to disclose such things especially in his case since it's essentially a yes from their side if I'm okay with it at this point. :/ iA it works out for the best. thanks for the advice!
Believe me, you can't risk asking anything even 10% close to these questions unless you want to scare him away :). Unfortunately people claim to be very "open minded"and wanting to marry someone with good exposure BUT they can't take an open mind especially if you are a girl :). SO unless you see alot of issues in this particular rishta, you shouldnt mess it up.
It's not that hard to check up on the prospect and his family, infact you can get to know alot about him without having to ask him. Just find the right reliable people to do the work for you.
haha so far i see ZERO things wrong w/ the rishta and that's why I'm concerned (maybe I"m just paranoid that everything is working out too well...?) I don 't want to scare him away but I do want to know what's up.
haha so far i see ZERO things wrong w/ the rishta and that's why I'm concerned (maybe I"m just paranoid that everything is working out too well...?) I don 't want to scare him away but I do want to know what's up.
Nobody can be sure of what the truth of any person is BUT you can get a good idea of their character by asking some reliable person to do the investigation.
seems like you are on the right track. all the best!
yeah , chaan peen tho karlee hai, but my parents still need to talk to the relatives in pak since both of our families are well known in the area so we'll see what comes out of that. my parents just wanted to wait until the guy and I talked a little since rishtaydaar have a tendency to make huge deals out of every rishta that comes so they want to wait. We've asked around here in the community and those that know the family hav enothing but nice things to say. From my interaction with his family (and the sister talks to me on FB) they seem normal and shareef. But my concern is that he hasn't lived with his family very much so for all I know he could have some illegitimate child hidden away (k, Im kidding...but you get what I'm getting at).
rotfl. that’s a pre-req.