I’m so sorry if this is a redundant question (I tried searching the other threads but couldn’t find anything) or if it’s a dumb question but I was wondering…if it’s a completely arranged marriage and you’re basically expected to meet each other 1-2x (for those of you that read my other stuff..the guy’s family called back and larka yahah aara hai but limited time hai because he has to fly to europe as his quarter starts october), how do you go about asking certain things.
Maybe I’m just really paranoid because of the types of guys I had the misfortune of meeting in my college days, but the whole sharab/larkiyan/club scene freaks me out. He’s from a shareef family but we all know how that means nothing nowadays.
I have very few “dealbreakers” but permarital sex/alcohol would be something that I want to know about so I can go into a union knowing what to expect/he’s done. So yeah, how does one go about bringing up such topics EVER (even if we were to continue talking afterwards). Main problem is that larkay walay want to finalize things before i start school again and he goes back.
Re: asking certain questions
I will assume that your mom and dad are supposed to take care of these kind of question.
while you can ask compatibility question.
Re: asking certain questions
Don't ask about pre-marital sex kinda questions in the first meeting. You can discuss this later with first telling the guy about yourself that you haven't been with anyone since you really consider your desi values important. You can then ask him questions like have you been with anyone before, haven't you found someone on your own since this is an arranged setting and are you comfortable with this kinda arranged setting? You can advise him about your moral values so that he knows about your expectations.
Re: asking certain questions
If you ask him directly.. there is a big chance that he will deny it immediately (if he has done these things). I think these things are verified in back ground checking.
Re: asking certain questions
you should not go into such details in first few meetings. Parents always have such things in mind and they take care of it in their meetings. Just get an image of his personality first and once you start to know him more, things start to become clear automatically.
They key is that family background matters a lot. If he is from a good honest family(which your parents will definitely judge), chances are rare that he will be involved in any odd activities.
Re: asking certain questions
whats background checking?
Re: asking certain questions
kayz, you never know man, there are ppl i know that come from very good family back grounds but their sons and daughters is involved in very sort of wrong activity while their parents are unaware of it.
my first suggestion to you soconfused is that get someone on your side from your family brother or sister, could be your best friend too. ask them to observe, which later on you can sit down and find out that the two of you observed was the same or not. what you have to observe is the behaviour. and get a vibe. you can ask for clarifications later. then ask your parents what do they think. try to gather as much data without asking too personal questions and then decide do you need to meet again or not.
also someone must have done a background check from your side. so you must know where is he from, where he grew up, what he studied, where is he working, what university did he go to etc.
you should not go into such details in first few meetings. Parents always have such things in mind and they take care of it in their meetings. Just get an image of his personality first and once you start to know him more, things start to become clear automatically.
They key is that family background matters a lot. If he is from a good honest family(which your parents will definitely judge), chances are rare that he will be involved in any odd activities.
Re: asking certain questions
When you know what is back ground checking… why did you ask??? :khums:
Re: asking certain questions
**kayz, you never know man, there are ppl i know that come from very good family back grounds but their sons and daughters is involved in very sort of wrong activity while their parents are unaware of it.
**my first suggestion to you soconfused is that get someone on your side from your family brother or sister, could be your best friend too. ask them to observe, which later on you can sit down and find out that the two of you observed was the same or not. what you have to observe is the behaviour. and get a vibe. you can ask for clarifications later. then ask your parents what do they think. try to gather as much data without asking too personal questions and then decide do you need to meet again or not.
also someone must have done a background check from your side. so you must know where is he from, where he grew up, what he studied, where is he working, what university did he go to etc.
i agree with you on this and thats why i had used words "chances are rare". Arrange marriage is a gamble in total and you never know it all until you actually start living with that person. Most of the times pre-checks done by parents work well but it goes in a wrong way too in some cases.
When i mentioned the importance of family background, trust me it works a lot. Though there is no guarantee and any one call fall on the wrong side but if a guy or girl is coming from a strong family background, he/she would think 100 times before taking any odd step.
Re: asking certain questions
hmm good point
lol
Re: asking certain questions
Maybe sk around about that kind of stuff.
If you can't get enough information, then ask after some more meetings. A clever way to bring it up might be by asking him if he is curious to know more about you, if you have had any past relationships, or if he wants to know about your social life. Just tell him you want to be open and honest with him and would expect the same from him.
Re: asking certain questions
Just ask for a/s/l everything will follow through on its own.
Re: asking certain questions
If you ask him directly.. there is a big chance that he will deny it immediately (if he has done these things). I think these things are verified in back ground checking.
agreed. no point asking as he's probably gonna lie, you might never find out what he was like before marriage but that's something we have to accept, best thing to do is hope he's a good man now. good luck
Re: asking certain questions
Are you guys for real? Like seriously, your going to ask the guys parents how many girls their son has had pre martial sex with.
Just bite the bullet and ask him, it is not difficult to bring it up in conversation, if you cannot be comfortable at this stage asking questions, then do not get married.
Re: asking certain questions
agreed.** no point asking as he's probably gonna lie,** you might never find out what he was like before marriage but that's something we have to accept, best thing to do is hope he's a good man now. good luck
What a mature assumption to make. Pat on the back. All men lie, lets stake them. rolls eyes
Re: asking certain questions
what stage are you talking about? meeting a guy and his family for the first time? are you outta your mind?
Are you guys for real? Like seriously, your going to ask the guys parents how many girls their son has had pre martial sex with.
Just bite the bullet and ask him, it is not difficult to bring it up in conversation, if you cannot be comfortable at this stage asking questions, then do not get married.
Re: asking certain questions
Sorry but i don’t think so its immature. What do you think in first meeting you will ask him “Hey.. i am very honest with you till now and i want same from your side… did you ever sleep with a girl? or did you have any illegitimate relationship? do you drink” and you are expecting that in first meeting he will answer you “oh yes.. i did it… i did many mistakes in my life”
I don’t think so its some real life situation. Yes it could happen in movie and drama but not in real life… “main tum sey jhoot k sahary rishta nahin jorna chahta… isi liye aj tmhy bata raha hoon k mera eil larki sey affair that aur hum dono eik doosry per jan chirkty thy.. but ab mujhy hosh gaya hai aur main tum sey wada kerta hoon k ainda kisi aur larki ki taraf ankh utha ker bhi nahin dekhoon ga” 
I am not saying that all men have bad character… but either for man or woman… it really needs guts to admit their past mistakes in first meeting, and most people don’t have these guts.
Re: asking certain questions
What a mature assumption to make. Pat on the back. All men lie, lets stake them. rolls eyes
YAH well i didn't say any of that and besides, it's as easy to lie as it is to make assumptions and i didn't exclude women , not discriminating here ... according to what OP says, the guy's family has a reputation of being sharif and all that, so if he did bad stuff, chances are that he won't have the courage to say it
Re: asking certain questions
Its better not to ask direct questions in the first or second meeting. But at least, the girl can convey to the guy what values does she observe and how she has been leading her life. This will be the first step towards making the guy know about the girl and what expectations she has from the guy. Of course, if a girl has been leading a good life, she expects that the guy would be at least not a playboy. Very liberal and broad minded guy would distance himself with such a girl if he thinks that there is much differences in the values followed by them. After a few meetings and when they have formed some comfort level with each other, the girl can lightly ask about any past relationships or whether the guy had previously liked any girl. The guy may not tell the truth, but at least he would know that this is something important for the girl.
The background check on the guy will be most useful and asking his friends, colleagues about his character and habits will enable to know about the kind of person he is. But some light and frank discussion between the girl and guy will break the ice between them and enable the girl to convey the information on the values she follows along with observing the behaviour of the guy. If the guy becomes very frank in the first meeting, wants to hold hands, starts talking in very intimate manner... all these are red flags and can identify his thurki nature. Talking and observing is the best thing but don't expect that he will tell you the truth. However, it will still be useful.
Re: asking certain questions
Totally agreed… best approach… 