as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

[Afridi786]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

thats true

[Sadiyah]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

@Mamaof3

Your parents will forever care too much and want the very best for you. Now that I have my own kiddies, I can understand SO much better. Some advice...ALWAYS listen to what they say and thank them for saying it. If you disagree, so what, no need to get all annoyed, just thank them for their caring and convcern...they will feel cherished as they should be and they will worry less.

I completely agree.

On the contrary, there are parents who could get overbearing and try to control the lives of their married children. I've seen it happen quite often where parents are the ones pushing the couple to start procreating. I'm sure there are many other such examples, but this is quite a common problem.

[Mamaof3]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

lol! yes I've been in that situation too. When things get too hot-n-heated, just put a garbage pail out on your porch...label it "free advice". Tell the interfering party that "free advice" (ie., un-asked-for) gets written down and placed in the "free advice pail". Which is picked up promptly the very next day by the sanitation dept. Thats why we pay taxes lol!!

[Dushwari]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

I agree with u angel. That is what I mean.

We as young adults, need to teach our parents, without making them aware of it, that we are doing it.

So when your mom calls and say,

Where is he? How was he to you, is his parents coming?

Politely say mom it is my house. I know what is happening and I am in control of it with consultation of my husband.

Similarly if the mother of the husband wants to know if how many times, her daughter in law's parents call a day, what is she doing in the kitchen, the son can say, mom, it is her house, she and I are having a good time. I am here and these questions are not important to me.

Of course, we need to do this with out being rough or too harsh on our parents.

@AnGeL EyEs

Not if you dont tell them every detail of your personal affairs. After marriage, parents dont have a right to meddle in your married life and as a married woman/man you dont have to run to your parents for everything. If you involve them....then that is a different story. It's up to the couple how to handle such a situation. If you keep them out of it from the begininng then they wont be involved. Let it be known from the start.

[Dushwari]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

he he

yes, when they want you to place ur babys' head in a position that u clearly don't believe in.

@Mamaof3

lol! yes I've been in that situation too. When things get too hot-n-heated, just put a garbage pail out on your porch...label it "free advice". Tell the interfering party that "free advice" (ie., un-asked-for) gets written down and placed in the "free advice pail". Which is picked up promptly the very next day by the sanitation dept. Thats why we pay taxes lol!!

[Amani06]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

I dont have any in laws from my hubbys side so theres nothing from there. Sometimes i do feel sorry for hubby cos he says my family interferes in our lives. However its more my mum just giving her opinion on stuff but she also knows that ultimately im going to whateva is right for me. Family just feel they have to say their bit. Dont know why but they just do.

[AnGeL_EyEs]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

@Sadiyah

I completely agree.

On the contrary, there are parents who could get overbearing and try to control the lives of their married children. I've seen it happen quite often where parents are the ones pushing the couple to start procreating. I'm sure there are many other such examples, but this is quite a common problem.

exactly^

procreating is just one example of sooooo many.

[AnGeL_EyEs]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

@Dushwari

We as young adults, need to teach our parents, without making them aware of u it that we are doing it.

right on....we dont want to hurt them by being harsh but at the same time we dont want them to hurt our marriage either.

[RoCKiSTaN]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

Yes yes.

[dutch_paki]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

@Dushwari

I agree with u angel. That is what I mean.

We as young adults, need to teach our parents, without making them aware of it, that we are doing it.

So when your mom calls and say,

Where is he? How was he to you, is his parents coming?

Politely say mom it is my house. I know what is happening and I am in control of it with consultation of my husband.

Similarly if the mother of the husband wants to know if how many times, her daughter in law’s parents call a day, what is she doing in the kitchen, the son can say, mom, it is her house, she and I are having a good time. I am here and these questions are not important to me.

Of course, we need to do this with out being rough or too harsh on our parents.

You are quite full of yourself arent you?

Already advising married people how to handle things?

Anyway, you just arent really tactful thats all
I mean, even if you dont want to discuss things with your folks, you could say something like, we are fine, the house is fine, dont worry mom/dad ?

But I m glad I wont have any such problems

[amana]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

@Dushwari

I agree with u angel. That is what I mean.

We as young adults, need to teach our parents, without making them aware of it, that we are doing it.

So when your mom calls and say,

Where is he? How was he to you, is his parents coming?

Politely say mom it is my house. I know what is happening and I am in control of it with consultation of my husband.

Similarly if the mother of the husband wants to know if how many times, her daughter in law's parents call a day, what is she doing in the kitchen, the son can say, mom, it is her house, she and I are having a good time. I am here and these questions are not important to me.

Actually the best way to deal with it to to smile and say that everything is fine, thanks be to Allah, and that you are blessed to have a good husband. There is no need to be so direct such as the "this is my house, and my business" unless a parent really oversteps. This approach will cause more hard feelings in the long run.

If a parent is too inquisitive about someone else's business, my husband and I always reply, "I am not sure, why don't you ask him/her about that." Sometimes just screening your calls with an answering machine works. My nand used to call at least 5-6 times a day, till my husband just stopped answering the phone. He also doesn't give out his work number anymore. We carry our cell phones, but don't answer them if we are busy. A phone call every day or two is sufficient to ensure that all is well.

[Dushwari]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

i can see u are dutch and u are pakiSTANI.

so, u are a MONK!

@dutch_paki

You are quite full of yourself arent you?

Already advising married people how to handle things?

Anyway, you just arent really tactful thats all
I mean, even if you dont want to discuss things with your folks, you could say something like, we are fine, the house is fine, dont worry mom/dad ?

But I m glad I wont have any such problems

[Sara516]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

^ That doenst even make any sense

[SolarOceans]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

Dushwari, i think my husband and I do a pretty good job of keeping everyone but us out of our marriage. It isn't done rudely and they certainly don't feel that way I'm sure. My Mom will ask her questions and I do usually answer them unless they are way over the top in which case I just laugh it off. I think it's kind of mean to say to your mom that you are in control with it and this is your house in response to her asking "how is he, how is he to you, when are his parents coming over?"
When parents ask those questions, I don't think they are being interfering at all. There's a difference b/w interfering and genuine concern and those actually seem like the parents are concerned for their daughter (or son). I wouldn't have a problem answering those questions.
With that being said, I've had instances where my parents or his parents have tried to interfere and the best way we've dealt with this is, he deals with his parents, i deal with mine and at the end of the day, we leave them out of it and don't let what they say affect our marriage. You and him are entirely in control of who interferes in your marriage. They can ask a million questions, you can even answer them if you feel comfortable. . . and they still won't be interfering if you don't let them.
You build this bubble around the two of you and everyone else can walk outside of it and not come inside of it if you don't let them. This means when his parents say hurtful things, you realize that they are coming from his parents, not him. There's no reason to be upset with that. I'm different though because I don't expect to be all buddy buddy with his parents and I don't expect him to be that way with mine. This is not to say that we are not respectful towards each others parents but there is no pressure from either side to make the other parents their best friend. If your spouse genuinely begins to see your parents as his parents as well then so be it. But, this desi pressure of "now that you are married, his parents are yours" is what causes a lot of problems because it brings with it a lot of expectations. Relationships, in my humble opinion, cannot be forced.

[Chameli420]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

@SolarOceans

Dushwari, i think my husband and I do a pretty good job of keeping everyone but us out of our marriage. It isn’t done rudely and they certainly don’t feel that way I’m sure. My Mom will ask her questions and I do usually answer them unless they are way over the top in which case I just laugh it off. I think it’s kind of mean to say to your mom that you are in control with it and this is your house in response to her asking “how is he, how is he to you, when are his parents coming over?”
When parents ask those questions, I don’t think they are being interfering at all. There’s a difference b/w interfering and genuine concern and those actually seem like the parents are concerned for their daughter (or son). I wouldn’t have a problem answering those questions.
With that being said, I’ve had instances where my parents or his parents have tried to interfere and the best way we’ve dealt with this is, he deals with his parents, i deal with mine and at the end of the day, we leave them out of it and don’t let what they say affect our marriage. You and him are entirely in control of who interferes in your marriage. They can ask a million questions, you can even answer them if you feel comfortable. . . and they still won’t be interfering if you don’t let them.
You build this bubble around the two of you and everyone else can walk outside of it and not come inside of it if you don’t let them. This means when his parents say hurtful things, you realize that they are coming from his parents, not him. There’s no reason to be upset with that. I’m different though because I don’t expect to be all buddy buddy with his parents and I don’t expect him to be that way with mine. This is not to say that we are not respectful towards each others parents but there is no pressure from either side to make the other parents their best friend. If your spouse genuinely begins to see your parents as his parents as well then so be it. But, this desi pressure of “now that you are married, his parents are yours” is what causes a lot of problems because it brings with it a lot of expectations. Relationships, in my humble opinion, cannot be forced.

loved ur post

[Gabrujawaan]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

by moving to a different country.

[arshad5]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

@AnGeL EyEs

i think its best to not discuss what goes on b/w husband and wife (ie discussion, fights etc) with parents. It's best not to ask parents for advice on marital issues either because most likely whatever marital adivce they give u will be biased. Matters should be discussed between husband and wife ONLY and not with parents.

Wise advice.

[system]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

My parents dont interfere at all

They dont comment on what we do, where we go, who rang...all the garb

And his parents dont interfere because theyre in a diff country

So its all good

They know we are sensible, responsible people and they trust us.....but in anycase, i love getting told off because as Mamaof3 says...its CARE and CONCERN

And its gorgeus

I love being fussed over

[Khaloo_Khalil]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

Dear Dushwari, Assalaam-o-Alekum. One only needs to manage things. Here is what I have been doing to manage my married life.
1- The parents and In-laws must be clearly, politely, and respectfully told NOT to interfere. The manner must be such that nobody objects.
2- Never ever interfere in the marital life of near relations (brothers, sisters and in-laws). This will set an example. Don't let your spouse interfere.
3- Whenever there is any misunderstanding among any couple, in your near relations (God Forbid), be the first one to patch up. But DO NOT allow any party to complain about their spouse. {In my case I simply say, "Sorry I do not want to listen to that crap. Its your personal matter, and you have to resolve it. I only wish to see you guys happy."}
I guess following these tips will not let you have any "dushwari" in your marital life. Good luck 2 U.

[Dushwari]

Re: as married couples, how do u keep ur parents (all 4) out of ur married life?

i agree solar oceans.
i think, u put it very well.

the hubby and the better half needs to be on the same page as to how they should handle a compromise of their privacy...
if the parents of the 2 insist on making an issue of things, that are non- issues. i thank u for sharing this with us at GS :>
u are right, it needs tact and good intentions as well as steering clear of hard confrontations.

thanks for ur input..

dush

@SolarOceans

Dushwari, i think my husband and I do a pretty good job of keeping everyone but us out of our marriage. It isn't done rudely and they certainly don't feel that way I'm sure. My Mom will ask her questions and I do usually answer them unless they are way over the top in which case I just laugh it off. I think it's kind of mean to say to your mom that you are in control with it and this is your house in response to her asking "how is he, how is he to you, when are his parents coming over?" When parents ask those questions, I don't think they are being interfering at all. There's a difference b/w interfering and genuine concern and those actually seem like the parents are concerned for their daughter (or son). I wouldn't have a problem answering those questions. With that being said, I've had instances where my parents or his parents have tried to interfere and the best way we've dealt with this is, he deals with his parents, i deal with mine and at the end of the day, we leave them out of it and don't let what they say affect our marriage. You and him are entirely in control of who interferes in your marriage. They can ask a million questions, you can even answer them if you feel comfortable. . . and they still won't be interfering if you don't let them. You build this bubble around the two of you and everyone else can walk outside of it and not come inside of it if you don't let them. This means when his parents say hurtful things, you realize that they are coming from his parents, not him. There's no reason to be upset with that. I'm different though because I don't expect to be all buddy buddy with his parents and I don't expect him to be that way with mine. This is not to say that we are not respectful towards each others parents but there is no pressure from either side to make the other parents their best friend. If your spouse genuinely begins to see your parents as his parents as well then so be it. But, this desi pressure of "now that you are married, his parents are yours" is what causes a lot of problems because it brings with it a lot of expectations. Relationships, in my humble opinion, cannot be forced.