Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
why do parents do that? Don't they love their kids :(
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
I especially hate those women who have the opinion 'you are not old enough to get married' You have to enjoy life! Not the age should be the factor. The maturity! I see your not mature. I consider a 14-16 year old an adult and not an kid, a teen or whatever anymore. Because a 16 year can work, care for himself and face the world. But the people here in the West have suggested these people that they are their babies till the end of their life!
If you don't want to marry now, you don't need to! In this case, you should see some who you can rely on and confront him/her with your situation. You need someone close, not us. We can only judge with prejudices as you see here. In your case I would want to at least talk to the guy and see how he is. Maybe you get along with him. Plus tell your parents that they should follow the Islamic Rules in terms of marriage if they consider themselves to be Muslim!
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
refuse......this is a forced marriage not an arranged one. its not ur age love, its ur situation. i would refuse and thats it. and talk to your parents...
please tell us the update, how are you now. have you spoken to ur mum or dad.
and are relgious?
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
Dont do it. I'm half russian but I was raised completely as a Pakistani girl and I still had a lot of problems marrying someone from back there... its just a huge culture clash.. even between two full blooded pakistanis one from back home and one from here... just imagine how its gonna be with you living your life as a gori or whatever you are and then adjusting to all the restrictions that life in pakistan brings. To top it all off, its a marriage stemming from blackmail and one that is basically forced. Been there done that, it aint cool and it never works out. Plus you're only 16. You are not in the least bit prepared for all the pakistani politics in a family and the demands that marriage brings, especially if you'll be living with the in-laws.
I'm surprised your mother (assuming she's the nonpakistani one) is consenting to all this!
REFUSE!
Hello, my name is Crystle (for this forum), and I am a 16 year old mixed Pakistani, who has been arranged to marry a 20 year old cousin (marrying a cousin!?) back in pakistan, and I am not really fine with it. The arrangement stems from my aunt, who was ill (she thought it would be fatal) and who wanted someone from my side of my family to marry into hers, and me being the only daughter in their teens, they chose me. I feel kind of disturbed they chose this for me without even asking me, but they did. It's pretty much a done deal now, and I've only met my cousin a few times, who I can tell really likes me, and probably has no objection to this marriage. One of my big objections is after the marriage I will have to move to Pakistan, and I have a friend who tells me my very appearance, light-skinned and red hair and blue eyes, would cause issues over there, and if that's the case, I def. wouldn't want to move there. I really don't know what to do. Do I accept or refuse? What do you think is the best option?
Crystle, your red hair/blue eyes are a minor issue compared to the issue of marriage. Yes, since red hair and blues eyes are not common among the desi population, you are likely to receive more attention for the rarity.
Do you accept or refuse? Well, I'm confused because you said that your marriage has already been arranged. That seems to imply that you weren't give much choice in the matter. But if you have been given a choice, and you don't want to get married, then please refuse. Illness or no illness one should not force an undesired marriage on anyone. And your aunt, as you said, has learned that her illness is not fatal. And this changes things**.
Reading your post, I get the vibe that you don't want to get married. And if that's true, I say **refuse the match. You are sixteen, you're a teenager, now is the time where you should be carefree and having fun....not weighed down with the responsibilities of marriage. And moving to Pakistan will be a major lifestyle change in itself let alone getting married.
On the other hand, if you like your cousin but feel like you're not ready for a marriage, then you can consider an engagement for now and delay your marriage until much later.
i have a friend who got married at 16 to a cousin and is happy. I have a friend who got married at 18 to a cousin and she was miserable. Everyone is different. You know yourself better than we do. And if you do not want to get married...............YOU SAY NO. Forced marriages are not considered valid in Islam and nor is a marriage contract valid without the consent of the guy and the girl. You have the ultimate say in this decision (not your parents).
I am amazed at the selfishness of your aunt and your parents. She only thought about the security of her son.......and never thought about your personal wishes, how young you are, and how your life would change dramatically by moving to Pakistan. Regardless of what you your aunt thinks (and I'm glad her illness is no longer fatal)................**YOU PARENTS **should at least support you and think about your well-being here.
If you don't want this, please say no. Don't fall for the emotional blackmail. You are not an adult. You're 16. Enjoy being a teen. Enjoy spending time with your friends. Graduate high school. Go to college. Find out who you are as a person. Marriage is huge responsibility that changes everything.
************ Your aunt might be very well be a nice woman, but something about her seems shady to me and I don't trust her. I'm more surprised at your parents. Although if early marriages are a tradition in your family, that's another issue.
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
Whats the rush? I am a little confused here. For me the issue is not about your appearance or how you will fit into Pakistan etc..but more about why does there appear to be some urgency in getting you married off so quickly?
Marrying a cousin you dont know is not a big deal. You can get to know him.
Moving to Pakistan may not be a big deal because foreigners live in Pakistan comfortably and if you have relatives around, adjustment can be easier.
Marrying at 16 in a very short period of time? There are some details missing...either from your side or your aunts.
I think you need to find out more or share more here because there are several pieces of the puzzle missing.
Is it really so violent there? Why would anyone move over there then, willingly?
well it wasnt always like this, but its gotten pretty bad the past few years or so.
sometimes its better, other times its worse.
the crying thing, well its a last resort measure, something i would break into anyway,
some ppl do get married here at 12,15,16 but its becoming more and more rare even in backward areas.
also getting married before at least 18 is not a good idea in any way
agree with red velvet, the aunt seems shady and controlling, stay away from her, she sounds like trouble
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
********** I hope that this thread is a sincere one and not a prank. Although few people would joke about such a serious matter, it's hard to tell at times. When one cries wolf often enough, it reduces the credibility of those who are indeed suffering such a situation. What makes this situation seem odd is that the non-desi **parent **would most likely throw a fit about this so called arranged marriage.....and the poster has provided no sign of that in her post. My intention is not to hurt or offend anyone. If this is indeed a sincere problem, then I sympathize with the poster.
Crystle......Myself and other fellow guppies (Wildhalcyon and Mickeymouse) feel that there are missing pieces to your story. Also....we feel that something about your aunt seems rather shady.
Your aunt is not dying. It was presumed that her illness was fatal. And that misconception has now been removed. Your aunt knows that her illness is not fatal. So, if she knows that she's not dying..............why is she in such a hurry to have this marriage take place?????
Your aunt's own son is very young. He's only 20 and that's young for a guy to get married. And at such a young age, how will he financially support a wife? Very few guys would feel comfortable about being married so young no matter how much they like a girl.
Something about your situation is not adding up. How is your aunt's financial situation? Is she struggling financially? Is it possible that your aunt has schemed this match up so that her son can get easier access into America, Canada, wherever you live? I know you mentioned that you'd be moving to Pakistan. However, something still seems off here. Why is she pressuring for marriage so soon when she's not dying and why can't she wait until her son is older. She could even settle for an engagement and delay the wedding until you both are older....but she seems to want it all in a hurry. It's odd. Please think about this.
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
^ If the non-desi parent is the Mum she may not have the guts to tell Dad and the rest of the family to get lost. I have seen it a few times with girls I knew from Mosque tho they were not as young as 16.
Often when Dad marries a non-desi wife there is pressure on him from the community to get his kids married off quickly so they don't turn out 'too white' and end up more Christian than Muslim, may not be the case here but it does happen.
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
^ That's a possibility. But an educated (non-desi) mom.........even if she doesn't hit the roof......would at least have some reservations/hesitations about marrying a 16 year old girl off to a guy who is only 20 and to have her girl move all the way to Pakistan....a complete lifestyle change.
^In this situation, the aunt is pressing for a marriage when she's not dying and her son is too young. Why not just do an engagement for now and arrange a wedding when the two are much more older and mature? Something is off here.
^ That's a possibility. But an educated (non-desi) mom.........even if she doesn't hit the roof......would at least have some reservations/hesitations about marrying a 16 year old girl off to a guy who is only 20 and to have her girl move all the way to Pakistan....a complete lifestyle change.
^In this situation, the aunt is pressing for a marriage when she's not dying and her son is too young. Why not just do an engagement for now and arrange a wedding when the two are much more older and mature? Something is off here.
Even an educated desi mom would also question this. I am a western raised Pakistani and have a daughter. There is no way on this planet I will ever think about her getting married at 16 AND I would rather kill people than to let her move to Pakistan. No amount of pressure will force me to marry off my daughter to a guy who is 20 years old whose parents will be supporting my daughter, not the hubby.
Again, I really want to know...what is the urgency?
Even an educated desi mom would also question this. I am a western raised Pakistani and have a daughter. There is no way on this planet I will ever think about her getting married at 16 AND I would rather kill people than to let her move to Pakistan. No amount of pressure will force me to marry off my daughter to a guy who is 20 years old whose parents will be supporting my daughter, not the hubby.
Again, I really want to know...what is the urgency?
Ditto....my conservative desi mom would hit the roof at the idea of a girl....let alone her own daughter......getting married at 16 to a guy whose too young himself.
What is the urgency? I agree and I wonder about it myself. Do you think that an early marriage gets the immigration paper work underway faster? But even immigration would wonder about the idea of a minor getting married. Hence the move to Pakistan? But then why not just wait until they're older? Is it because they are afraid that the daughter migt become a shameful "amreekan" and get hitched to a boyfriend of her choice? And so that's why they're acting fast? Does the aunt simply have a desire for a western looking bahu? It's just odd.
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
Anyone seen 'East is East' lol there was a family on there whose white Mum was in tears cos her daughter had been married off against her wishes and sent off to Pakistan. Ur right it does depend on education but if Mum is a working class housewife and dad is a taxi driver or something and rules the family with an iron fist there wouldn't be much anyone (bar maybe social services) could do. Desi parents often get funny with mixed-race kids, they often panic and think cos their girl is half white they will end up drinking, sleeping around and forgetting their roots + religion so marrying them off early will prevent all this. It's ridiculous and really unfair but it happens. Some Arabs treat their mixed daughters that way as well.
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
^ I've heard that as well, Deeba. And I get where you're coming from. The family lives in a Western country where there norm is for girls not to get married at 16. And there are other ways to instill islamic values in children without resorting to early marriage. Even if the dad rules with an iron fist, it's hard to believe that the mom did not feel some hesitation. Know what I mean? Mom may have been afraid to confront the dad.....but she must feel some doubts at least.
And the dad could get his daughter married to a guy who can financially support himself. Why is dad settling for a guy whose only 20 years old? Just because he's his nephew? Men are pretty careful about having good providers for their daughters. Wouldn't the dad at least wait until the guy was older? There are missing pieces.
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
^ I agree with the provider bit but I do think with some parents all common sense goes out the window when it comes to their family, could be Dad doesn't want daughter to be 'ruined' (I hate that word lol), knows cousin 'back home' has a crush on her/likes the look of her and thinks as a bonus the 'family ties' will be strengthened or something. There are so many twisted things going on in the world today :(
Our Mums might speak up and stop it from happening but others might not be able to. Even if she has reservations and has a word with hubby saying she is not happy no guarantee he will even listen. Her family seems really really conservative, I mean she is not even sure if she can call him on the phone and is only allowed to meet him under strict family supervision. My Mum's hijabi and quite conservative but nowhere near as strict as that, me and my brother get to see our fiances whenever and wherever we like.
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
Am I missing something? Where are your parents in all this?
Anyone seen 'East is East' lol there was a family on there whose white Mum was in tears cos her daughter had been married off against her wishes and sent off to Pakistan. Ur right it does depend on education but if Mum is a working class housewife and dad is a taxi driver or something and rules the family with an iron fist there wouldn't be much anyone (bar maybe social services) could do. Desi parents often get funny with mixed-race kids, they often panic and think cos their girl is half white they will end up drinking, sleeping around and forgetting their roots + religion so marrying them off early will prevent all this. It's ridiculous and really unfair but it happens. Some Arabs treat their mixed daughters that way as well.
That only means he and the wife did a chitty job of raising their children. Most parents, to some extent, trust their teenage kids. But to force em to marry off, errr no.
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
^ Some parents think marrying their kids off (whether or not they actually want to) is the easy way to deal with 'problems' :(
In my recollection of East is East...the girls getting married off were not teenagers. (or did they use really old actresses to portray teens?)
A few things are not adding up for me. Crystle claims to not know what a shalwar kameez is. Deeba, all the things you are saying are absolutely valid except a person who does not know about Pakistani costumes is probably not being raised in the type of environment that would typify your scenario. Usually, peer pressure or social pressure makes a white woman repressive about her husbands views such as marrying off a teenage daughter. This girl must be in a western environment with minimal Asian exposure because even hanging out with Indians would have made this girl more aware of South Asian culture.
This leads to the next problem. If the family is living around mostly goray..either the father doesnt want to hang around desis or the mom doesnt. If the father doesnt, then he is not a conservative, traditional Pakistani loving Pakistani, in which case he definitely wouldnt go with an accepted norm of marrying a daughter off so young. If the mom doesnt want to live around desis then she obviously has the upper hand because she has managed to convince hubby to her viewpoint. Both views conflicting with forcing a child to marry off to a strange land.
Sorry Crystale if I sound skeptical but if this is a situation that is genuine, I would definitely suggest getting help on this matter as you are obviously not mature enough to deal with such a giant leap at this point in your life. If both of your parents are not supporting you and your siblings are too young to help, you need to find a relative or close family friend to help you out and try to delay this marriage (if you really still want to marry this cousin).