Arranged Marriages vs. Love Marriages...

Lajawab · October 9, 2003, 7:02am

I might be wrong, but I believe there is a higher percentage of arranged marriages that are successful than love marriages. By that I mean where the chances of divorce or separation are little.

When I bought my second car, it was the first time I had driven that particular car. After I bought it, I started getting accustomed to its feel…I discovered new things about it daily…My father discovered that you can switch the cup holder for an ashtray…My mother discovered a hideaway plate for the climate control and my sister discoevered a tiny spotlight for reading for the backseat passenger…

Everyday it was ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’ for every little thing we discovered…(Yes, yes, we are easily pleased…:p)…but eventually, I fell in love with my car…And it was I who discovered all its abilities and beauty and came to know all its faults…So I showed the beauty and hid the faults whenever I showed it to somebody…

I believe when two people start loving each other, they can’t wait to tell the other person whatever they know about themselves so as to make the other person as comfortable as possible with them…To achieve that comfort level as soon as possible…And as they achieve it, they get married…

Well, they already know what there is to know about the other person, what now? The life of responsibility dawns upon them like a mountain, and they get busy with that…They lose out on the knowing…The precious ‘knowing’ that you discover…

BTW, do not confuse this knowing that family or brothers-in-faith have for each other…That is a gifted knowing…The knowing between a child and mother or father…That is the comfort zone…

That’s why I believe arranged marriages are good…Because you ‘discover’ your spouse…You find out all the pros and cons about your partner and learn to live with them…And it is a good and happy thing to do…However:

The Holy Quran states:

This means to make sure there is no suspicion in your discoveries…

Also in arranged marriages, the arranger can also be the embodiment of a scapegoat should matters fail…

In short, I believe, arranged marriages are better than love marriages…

who-me · October 9, 2003, 7:07am

oh pls not again!

Aashi · October 9, 2003, 7:27am

wow…lajawab…that car example was wicked and very interesting…hehehe…

and ur absolutely right…:k:…

smilly · October 9, 2003, 7:34am

very well said…110% right:k:

Wise_One · October 9, 2003, 8:28am

I know another reason. Families who are strictly for arranged marriages, are usually conservative and getting divorce is a taboo. I know personally a lot arranged of marriages which wouldn't have worked given either partner had acceptance in their families if they take divorce.
I mean they don't get married by their choice so they can't get divorce either.
My opinion ofcourse you can always contradict me

Lajawab · October 9, 2003, 8:39am

Even if it is a taboo, isn’t it a good one?

I mean an action, which is not only disliked by humans but by Allah :swt: himself is prevented from happening due to this taboo…

Nowadays people get divorced over cats and cushions…Isn’t this taboo great that it makes people be cautious of an act which they might regret for the rest of their lives?

True, their marriage might have been a mistake, but wouldn’t this taboo prevent another one from happening again?

No contradiction, but my opinion as well…

Shararti_Bacha · October 9, 2003, 11:36am

agreeed :k:

system · October 9, 2003, 11:43am

are we talking here on

Arranged Marriages vs. Love Marriages

or on

Divorce aka Taboo

_MuNiYa · October 9, 2003, 12:12pm

Anbody who succumbs to an arrange marriage is probably more likely to succumbs to making it lasts no matter what.

On the other hand, in our society people who go for love marriages are a little more of what youwould call bhaaghi and therefore dont put up with anything.

Which isnt nec. a good thing because a marriage is a relationship of give and take, :)

Asif_k · October 9, 2003, 1:28pm

Re: Arranged Marriages vs. Love Marriages...

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Lajawab: *
When I bought my second car, it was the first time I had driven that particular car. After I bought it, I started getting accustomed to its feel...I discovered new things about it daily...My father discovered that you can switch the cup holder for an ashtray...My mother discovered a hideaway plate for the climate control and my sister discoevered a tiny spotlight for reading for the backseat passenger...

Everyday it was 'oohs' and 'ahhs' for every little thing we discovered...(Yes, yes, we are easily pleased...)...but eventually, I fell in love with my car...And it was I who discovered all its abilities and beauty and came to know all its faults...So I showed the beauty and hid the faults whenever I showed it to somebody...

[/QUOTE]

Lazawab - discovering new things in my car is okay but when it comes to my wife, I would rather do the discovery (and 'oohs' and 'aahs' as well) myself than my dad/mom or sis doing for me.

Mr_Xtreme · October 9, 2003, 1:30pm

Lajjo's gonna have 4 wives so he's going to have a lot more discovering to do than the rest of us. 4 sets of in laws as well, that should be a hoot.

Lajawab · October 9, 2003, 1:39pm

First lesson Asif_k,

A is for Analogy

B is for Basis

C is for whatever your mentality tells you...

Asif_k · October 9, 2003, 1:54pm

heyyy, that wasn't nice Asif_K so I had to edit it :(

nomaan · October 9, 2003, 2:14pm

nothing better than a new car smell.
0 mileage is golden, and putting that first mile is awesome.

NeSCio · October 9, 2003, 2:15pm

Lajawab comparing a female with owing a car? how very possessive. surprising to see no lady has commented on that yet

ch_and-be_ii · October 9, 2003, 2:39pm

^

Here I come Nessy .. :-p

Lajawab: Foo.. stop comparing women with cars. When are u going to learn.. women are more than some "thing" you are supposed to own and more than a CAR which is supposed to serve u for life.
And a marriage(love or arranged) will work if Both ..husband and wife are willing to sacrifice and compromise on every front. I have seen many love marriages work like a charm. These couples have had no grave problems.. coz they supported each other and respected each other more than a damn car !

Mr_Fraudia · October 9, 2003, 2:46pm

Re: Arranged Marriages vs. Love Marriages...

Originally posted by Lajawab: *
**I might be wrong, but I believe there is a higher percentage of arranged marriages that are successful than love marriages. By that I mean where the chances of divorce or separation are little.*

This topic has been discussed before, maybe someone should find the old threads and provide a link.

what is your definition of success? a marriage that has not ended ina divorce? or a marriage where both people are happy and have not sacrificed being who they are to avoid teh social taboo of divorce and just deal with the cards that life (and the elders who arranged the marriage) dealt them.

Additionally, people who are independent enough, and have families that are open-minded enough to find their own spuses, are more likely to be able to part ways if the marriage does not work out vs someone who is in a bad arranged marriage but does not have the independence, teh family support and ability to deal with societal divorce taboos..

**I believe when two people start loving each other, they can't wait to tell the other person whatever they know about themselves so as to make the other person as comfortable as possible with them...To achieve that comfort level as soon as possible...And as they achieve it, they get married...

Well, they already know what there is to know about the other person, what now? The life of responsibility dawns upon them like a mountain, and they get busy with that...They lose out on the knowing...The precious 'knowing' that you discover...**

Couple of major holes in that ...logic

1) If a guy and a girl know each other before marriage and get to know one another..you are suggesting that soon enough there is nothing more to discover...lets assume that it takes someone 2 years to get to know a person.... by this token these ppl will run out of things to discover a year after their marriage...so in an arranged marriage ppl run out of things to discover in 2 years..

1a) people are not static objects..they continue to gain new interests, broaden their horizons. You continue to discover more and more about your spouse as they do about you.

1b) you assume that people rush to get toknow one another to achieve a comfort level. Would people in an arranged marriage nto rush to get to a comfort level also by that token? or are you asserting that sinde they are already in the marriage and whatthey discover would not change the fact that they are married, it is not that important...could one then say that people in arranged marriages do not have as much of an incentive to get to really know one another? cuz..what difference would it make..

1c) what if in this "precious 'knowing' that you discover" part u discover stuff you just dont like :) Not quite that precious eh

2) does this life of responsibility not happen to people in arranged marriages? I would argue that if life of responsibilities makes you so busy that you dont have a chance to get to know the other person...its probably worse to be with someone you dont know :)

On a secondary note, no matter how busy one is, one can make attempts to spend quality time together. Even when i traveleld as a consultant and was out monday morning thru thurs eve, we always made plans for the weekend, and it would nto just be going out or something..maybe we will cook a special meal together,

*That's why I believe arranged marriages are good...Because you 'discover' your spouse...You find out all the pros and cons about your partner *

I think its overly simplistic to assume that one in a love marriage does not get to know one's spouse more and more as time goes on, or that this 'discovering' is limited to arranged marriages. I would argue the opposite.. for ppl in the arranged marraiges, there is no real incentive to 'discover' so its not on top of the priority list.

and learn to live with them...And it is a good and happy thing to do...

Happy? by learning to live with someone...
maybe you have to learn to do stuff or let go of stuff u liked to do..because you "discovered" your spouse does not like it..how happy would one be then?

*In short, I believe, arranged marriages are better than love marriages... *

In short, I challenge your assumptions.

btw equating it to a car is a piss poor example.. anyway since u have used that as a basis ..lemme paint a rather diff picture for u (with much apologies to the ladies..I am only doign this to illustrate a point using his own punk azz example)

would you go out and investigate, learn more about what you are buying before you buy a car

or..

would you let somoene assume what you like, and "trust" what the car salesman is saying and just get you a car.

..

and then you discover, you dont like the car..:)

anyways...wait till the ladies show up and start talking about shaddi in terms of buying a khota gaari

Moodie_Foodie · October 9, 2003, 5:40pm

i have so much to say on this.. so little time..
ill get bak on ittt

aahmed · October 9, 2003, 6:15pm

this horse is officially dead

Mr_Fraudia · October 9, 2003, 7:06pm

^ thankoo