I assume you are born and brought up here. Married from back home (90% family, 80% first cousins, I assume you played with these cousins when you where little - lets say 60% of you)
So using these (made up statistics)
How did you let your parents - (I know we are meant to listen to their every word) make such a big decision for you?
Was it due to: You were a good girl/boy and waited.
You had no luck finding your own choice.
You didn’t have the time.
The person you liked was not suitable
You were young
You never thought of these matters and just showed up
Or you know that their choice is the right one? and if they say
jump in the volcano you jump in the volcano?
Interested in the mentality of arranged marriages. Of the sterotypical arranged married girls I know- some hadn’t completed their gcses if they had, they are working in departmentals and supermarkets and where married at a drop of a hat to who there parents say.
I just want to know why? Did you feel you were selling yourself short? (so to speak!!!)
when my mum asked me about my cousin I simply said “no” .He isn’t the kind of a guy I want as a husband. As a brother he is fine.
She tried to indirectly tell me about his good qualities like while talking to khala on the phone and making sure i heard it etc etc.
But then she gave up:cb:
Erm I am not married YET but I am engaged to my cousin so I guess I can answer this question.
First of all I am not 16 wish I was but I am NOT....I dont live in Pakistan neither does he...I did complete my high school, college and university and so did he and for record we do not work for Asda, Tesco or any other supermarkets.
To answer your question I never really thought about guys, marriage when I was studying most of my friends got married straight after college but that was never an option for me....So when my cousin's proposal came for me it was a big shock but I thought about it and did not find anything wrong with him so I said Yes, My mum had a talk about it with me...she mentioned all the positive plus negitive points so it wasn't just my parents decision it was mine aswell....same thing happened to him his parents asked him they didnt TELL him.
I think we get the problems when parents TELL you about a guy/girl rather than ask you I have never believed in love...I think it exists but circumstances can change people and how they feel about someone....So an arrange marriage was never a problem for me... You may ask am I in love do I love my fiance? The truthful answer is No.....Not Yet but ask me this question few years down the line and I will tell you the answer then.... Do I know for sure that I will fall in love with him? Not at all but hey thats life......Life is very unpredictable and I think in a marriage you need alot of things like family support, patience,respect etc etc.
If you do fall in love before marriage Hurrray if not its not the end of the world. Arrange marriage may work for some for others it wont but you should not sterotype people...If I were to say all the girls who look for love before marriage are BLONDES it wouldnt be nice would it?
I guess I can tell you my story.. My hubby is and I had arranged marriage. I was 20 when I had my nikkah.. so I was definately able to make my own choices but I trusted my parents as well. At first i was not happy about the rista but when I listened to their perspective and what they were seeing i could not say no... sometimes I think girls tend to get a little emotional and not think about postive outcomes.
Long story short my parents sat down and talked with me about their decesion and gave me time to think about it. Finally one day my dad talked to me telling me that they won't make a decesion deliberately to hurt me or my life so I should trust them. I did say "yes" to them but my hubby had asked my parents to make sure that I was happy about the decesion and that I was not being pushed to do something I didn't want to.
to tell you the truth the part from our engagement to our nikkah was the best time for us as we got to know each other and had a very relaxing relationship till our nikkah.. everyone is different so are the circumstances so it just depends on person I guess!
i had an arranged marriage with my first cousin and i don't fit any of your sad stereotypes thank you very much.
i had completed a MS in human genetics and molecular bio BEFORE the rishta was ever brought up.
i planned on completing my phd, working, didn't know how to cook and didn't wanna learn. and guy was well aware of this from the beginning. i was also anti-jahaiz.
i never played with this dude when i was little...in fact we never even spoke until the rishta thing was brought up. we had lived in different cities our entire lives and our families weren't too close... IF there were any family visits, men n women didn't intermingle so tbh i had never had a conversation with him beyond "do you want dessert?" until our rishta became a possibility.
i had been in a serious relationship for 3 yrs prior to him. my entire family AND this cousin knew about this. this cousin had also been engaged to another girl outside the family prior to even thinkin of gettin married to me. when he broke up with her, i had no idea. when i ended my relationship...my family didn't tell anyone either. we were then both single for a while. coincidentally, this was the time when our families were becoming a bit closer and i started wondering what the heck he's doing with his life n i guess same goes for him.
he didn't marry me for a greencard. he was already in the states working and living a perfectly stable life.
i didn't marry him cuz he's a doctor. i didn't want a relationship in which the guy has no time to spend with me or values his profession over his wife/kids. thankfully i got to know him and thats def not the case.
i was 23 at time of nikkah. now am happily married and literally have found myself crying out of gratitude to Allah for the miracle that brought us together. i always wonder how/why we didn't end up together earlier (engaged at birth anyone? lol) but maybe there was some good behind that also. i couldn't have imagined a more perfect husband for myself :) our personalities are soooo compatible its scary.
i'm so sick of people making a big deal out of it. if you think its wrong and don't wanna marry your cousin then stop thinking about it!!! find yourself a nice guy who fits or exceeds your parents' criteria and marry the dude. stop complaining about your parents trying to hook you up with cousins cuz it happens to EVERY desi girl. there's no honour or glory in having 3 of your cousins fighting over who gets to marry you. i've seen girls complaining abt it just to be able to prove how they're the prettiest or most eligible gals in the family n its just kinda sad cuz in reality its usually for the green card, not the girl.
People who married their cousins was their a physical attraction or spark there when u said 'yes' to the proposal or did u have mixed feelings and/or think all that stuff would come later on?
what make you believe that having a arranged marriage means "selling yourself short"
open your eyes, smell the coffee. I am not discounting the importance of personal choice but pardon me for saying that if love marriages were bed of roses, or arrange marriages were bed of thorns, later would have had more failure ratio while stats tell us otherwise.
Having RIGHT of something is one things and EXERCISING that right is another. While I am all for HAVING the right for choice, I dont care much if someone exercise the right or not.
I am marrying my first cousin in Jan inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah inshallah*1000000000.
*Ahem, anyways, I wasn't influenced in any way. I fell in love with him a while before our engagement, and so did me. *
*His mom, my khala has always loved me and always sent me stuff, made suits, was understanding. *
*Yes I might be getting married a little young, (junior in college) but he knows, my khala know, hell my whole family knows there is no way I am forsaking my education! My mom has explicitly said I'd get a chittar if I didn't finish my degree! *
*I may be a good girl, but I do have my own opinions thankyouverymuch! As much as I complain, I know my parents always push me to do the right thing as Muslim, and I know they do it out of love. *
i was 23 at time of nikkah. now am happily married and literally have found myself crying out of gratitude to Allah for the miracle that brought us together. i always wonder how/why we didn't end up together earlier (engaged at birth anyone? lol) but maybe there was some good behind that also. i couldn't have imagined a more perfect husband for myself :) our personalities are soooo compatible its scary.
*Raises hand. *
*Also, just because I may have been raised somewhere else than him, does NOT mean that I am superior or have any right to act like that. We are both PARTNERS in a relationship. I don't believe that is "selling myself short" as you said. I don't know about you, but wouldn't you rather be given the choice of entering a loving partnership with your cousin, who you know will love you and respect you, or marrying someone like a friend, who might be showing you one face, and acts a totally different way? *
There is no need to deman any of the girls/guys here about their choices. Curiosity is one thing, but making general assumptions like that about every girl in GS? I think you'll see that not all of us are lacking in confidence to speak up for ourselves.
iI too married my first cousin and there nothing stupid in it,Id nver spoken to him or seen him before,but there is something called connection or clicked that makes you say yes,in my case it was arranged to my hubbys older brother just seeing and hearing him the connection wasnt there but for hubby just seeing him you can say it clilcked right there and alhumdulilah I thik it was a great choice.
Sorry to be a party pooper but scientifically, it is really not a good idea to get married to a first cousin. This is why so many genetic conditions have such a high prevalence in Pakistan. Thalassaemia, microcephaly, muscular dystrophy are just a few.
You always think it won't happen to you but unfortunately it does and our people can't seem to make the link. Classic line, 'Allah ki marzi, leave it up to Allah etc etc.'
You can't always detect the abnormality in the baby beforehand either. Two of my cousins married each other and they had a baby with microcephaly who will always have a mental age of 2. It is not possible to diagnose microcephaly before the third trimester so it is always too late to have an abortion.
Anyway, as long as you are happy then I guess that's the most important thing. But Pakistanis need to change their attitude and start widening the gene pool.
And please girls, get yourselves tested for thalassaemia trait before you get married. It is just a simple blood test.
Starrysky- there are other abnormalties that parents are not cousins and a child can be born with. Me and hubs are first cousins and our family is full of cousin marriages. Yes there are chances for genetic conditions but it's not to say that a person with no cousin marriage will have a normal baby. My close friend's baby was born with holes in her heart and severe hydronephrosis..They are goras and not remotely releated.. I don't think it's fair to scare of people by telling them that there can be consequences. It's better to pray to Allah and hope everyone has a beautiful healthy child.
*Also, just because I may have been raised somewhere else than him, does NOT mean that I am superior or have any right to act like that. We are both PARTNERS in a relationship. I don't believe that is "selling myself short" as you said. I don't know about you, but wouldn't you rather be given the choice of entering a loving partnership with your cousin, who you know will love you and respect you, or marrying someone like a friend, who might be showing you one face, and acts a totally different way? *
There is no need to deman any of the girls/guys here about their choices. Curiosity is one thing, but making general assumptions like that about every girl in GS? I think you'll see that not all of us are lacking in confidence to speak up for ourselves.
idk if this reply was directed at me or the OP but i just wanna clarify i have no issues with engagement at birth.....i mentioned it in my post cuz i was just wondering whyyy my parents didnt think of getting me n my husband together earlier than they actually did :) but yeah i feel like we have all these random stereotypes abt girls who marry cousins, girls who work, girls who don't work, girls who have children too early, girls who get married late, girls who are stay at home moms vs working mothers, etc etc. why are girls judged soo quickly in our society? i'm probably also guilty of it at times so i'm not saying i'm not part of the problem but admitting that there is a problem is the first step to recovery :)
