Just to play devil's advocate here. While I agree with the majority of posters that your parents' approah is wrong and you shouldn't be compelled to marry where you don't want to. But with that said, if you've resigned yourself to this marriage, you share in the responsibility of its success or failure. To go into it with negativity if all you can see is everything that can go wrong with the marriage and why you won't be happy, you're setting yourself up for the proverbial self-fulfiling prophecy. In that case, you're partly responsible for the marriage not working out.
So if you're going to marry the guy, you shouldn't resign yourself to the marriage, you need to embrace it as a happy occurence and work to make the relationship successful, starting now by talking to the guy which could help you alleviate some of your fears.
Otherwise, find the courage to say no regardless of your parent's reaction.
Girls are told all their lives that there is some sort of honor in sacrificing or being a martyr. Well unless it's for a good cause, it is disrespectful to Allah SWT who has given you life.
Parents are humans and have flaws -- they are fallible. They can be selfish and cruel. Even the well-intentioned ones can make mistakes. If you are old enough to be married, you are old enough to take responsibility for your life. And that means it is your duty to make responsible decisions for yourself.
Anyway, DO NOT marry a stranger. You need to get to know him and see if there is any chance of a successful partnership.
^ how can she be happy when she doesn't even want the marriage? This is a major life decision we're talkin about, not some little thing.
Her happiness is in her hands. She has choices to make. She can either say no to the marriage as virtually everyone here is recommending. But to say no is her decision. We don't know what she's going to decide because none of us are in her circumstances - we don't know everything about her backstory. If she doesn't or can't say no and goes through with the marriage, what then? Who's responsible for her happiness then? I think she shares in the responsibility for her happiness - that's what I'm try to say.
Her happiness is in her hands. She has choices to make. She can either say no to the marriage as virtually everyone here is recommending. But to say no is her decision. We don't know what she's going to decide because none of us are in her circumstances - we don't know everything about her backstory. If she doesn't or can't say no and goes through with the marriage, what then? Who's responsible for her happiness then? I think she shares in the responsibility for her happiness - that's what I'm try to say.
ok, now I get what you're saying and I agree 100% with you. At the end of the day, her decision and happiness is in her own hands.
May I recommend you skype with him. In this way you can at least get to know him somewhat better and maybe it will help you make your decision. I say make the effort, and if you get a real bad feeling, then speak to your parents again. Good luck.
LOL, do you really want everyone to feel sorry for you? Stop playing a martyr, you are an adult and you can make your own decisions and really they are NOT forcing you - you are sick of their nagging. I was actually physically abused by my father for a while because i wanted to marry a Bangladeshi guy. I went through all the emotional torture and blackmail but i didnt cave in. Was also put into a situation where i was held hostage in my own home and they were setting rishta's up for me whilst i was on hunger strike in my own room. Really i saw a dark side to them. But did I cave in? No. It's MY life. Allah gave me life why should i ruin it for them? Sure I dont think they loved me at that point because i "dishournered" them and they really didnt care about my health and welfare. They just cared about their face in the community.
I wasn't going togive up and let them treat me like this, like i support their disgusting customs.
Came to a point where i became desperate and ran away to his (my husband's) sisters house, I escaped in the dead of the night through and front door and just ran and ran, didnt have a suitcase o anything. and she took care of me there, they didnt want more dishonour by me running away or me calling the police so we had to negotiate with them. They did disown me for a while. But it was ok i still tried to keep in contact with them. You can't cut tires with your family - its in the Quran And alhumdulilah it took a long time but they saw the error of their ways and i forgave them.
My point is you are not a victim. Spare the poor guy in paksitan. Really he doesnt deserve all this crap from you. Don't be so passive, and think your parents will see how much you done for them because really with their mentality they dont give a rat's ass, they see it as your duty. So don't shoot yourself in the foot yeah?
I do not understand what is stopping you from making your point and standing up for yourself? The fear of having to leave your home? Leave! Do you realize you're playing with fire? TWO lives are at stake here...not just yours. His too. What do you think he will get if he marries you and figures out that you dont even like him? Disappointment? Resentment? He might hate you for saying yes when you actually meant no.
PinkOrchids, what made u stay when ur parents said to get out of the house if u didn't go ahead with the match, was it that u didn't want to leave or that u had nowhere to go?
Part of me thinks it might give them a wake-up call if u walked out tho the best thing would be to stay with a sympathetic auntie or relative so ur family can't then turn around + lie and say u walked out to go and live with a bf or something..
And wow Sajania, good for u for standing up for yourself..
^ she cant leave her parents house. This is not a normal practice and 99.99% gals and boys ll never do that.
Pinkorchid, talk to the guy, as much as you can. If you dont like him, tell him to back out or call the marriage off or make some excuse that he wants to delay the shadi for 2-3 yrs for x y z reasons. This way he will also know that you are not interested in this marriage. At least do something
^I know it's not normal but it's not exactly normal or 'decent' to force ur daughter to marry someone she doesn't want or expect her to have sex with him on her wedding night.. It's actually pretty disturbing if u think about it..
I'm not saying all girls should leave home but I don't see what the problem would be if it was done as a last resort.. Maybe in the UAE it's considered 'scandalous' for a girl not to live with her parents but in the UK plenty of girls do (I know with desi girls it's still a minority but she could stop the gossiping by staying with a relative or something temporarily until her parents see sense)..
Reha already told her to stand up for herself and leave** if** she had to. I just repeated the point she made and wondered why the OP hadn't left when her parents told her to get out..
As most ppl have pointed out if she just goes along with it to keep her parents happy but knowing it's not going to work she'll only have herself to blame.. Stoppit was right when she said if the parents are like this now it's likely they will just turn round and say 'that's married life, get on with it' no matter how awful or messed up the situation becomes..
Hey PinkOrchids, sorry to hear what your going through, but I would like to ask you a question if you don't mind answering. Have you done something against them? I mean have you been dating or are dating guys out there? Please don't mind I am just asking a general question, as one of my best friend has been through the same situation. She was dating many guys in result her parents pressured her, but reading your story it seems your situation is not similar to my friend. Well parents use to tell her things like "Oh please yay rishta manzoor ker lo that will make her dada (grandfather happy) whose have been passed away very happy in the qabar (cemetery) and stuff like thattt.........again do not mind the question that i have asked above,,,,talk to the guy and see how he iss...,,,, and they are just forcing youuuuuuuuuu ,, which in result kuch na kuch zaroor hoga,,,,i can also relate this to my cuzn's cousin when she was being forcedd to get married to this guy whom she didnt knew, in the end she divorced...ad please dont think about leaving ur house,,not a good act..who will be there to support u out there and etc.. just duaa kerooo allah se help maango and do istikhara and see what is right for u and what is wrong.....the best you can do is Ask Allah the almighty for help.....he knows everything...only he can give you an accurate guidance..i pray for you taht all you tension goes away...ameen!
If a girl is dating I don't see why the parents would think the solution would be to marry her off to someone else?? To go on a power trip and teach her a lesson, making her life miserable forever? Wouldn't it make more sense to convince the gf + bf to marry??
A friend of mine told me about a girl he knew who was caught with her bf in her bedroom and as punishment her parents took her to Pakistan and married her off to a man in his forties old enough to be her dad..
A friend of mine told me about a girl he knew who was caught with her bf in her bedroom and as punishment her parents took her to Pakistan and married her off to a man in his forties old enough to be her dad..
Allah :O
and as for this comment,
If a girl is dating I don't see why the parents would think the solution would be to marry her off to someone else?? To go on a power trip and teach her a lesson, making her life miserable forever? Wouldn't it make more sense to convince the gf + bf to marry??
well, there are some parents who would accept their daughter marrying her bf , as for some girls its hard for them to get their parents approve of their bf. However, as i have stated above that it was a general question. I myself do not know what the story is, i just wanted to have my say. Thats all :)
And as i have mentioned above, that her story is totally different.........
PinkOrchard, What your parents are doing IS wrong.......it has no place in Islam. Desi parents seem to ignore all other teachings/rules in Islam........and take one rule (to obey one's parents)......and make this one rule apply to every situation, no matter that it's an unreasonable one...no matter that it's an unislamic one. If what they're suggesting (and in your case, imposing) is unIslamic....you have the right to disobey them.
At the same time, what YOU are doing is very selfish. You seem to have agreed to this rishta to appease your parents....to get them off your back. But in order to get them to leave you alone...and get some peace from their nagging/harassing.......you do realize that you're toying with this guy's life as well right? He deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him...who can fulfill his marital rights. Him and his family are going to spend a lot of time, energy, and money in this wedding....and that's not fair to him.
Allah has forbidden oppression....and your parents are oppressing you. At the same time, it is gunnah FOR YOU to willingly let yourself be oppressed like this...and it's a gunnah for you to mess with someone else's life.
One day your parents say that they wont get you married to this guy. The next day they say you have no choice. Just because they're wishy washy right now.....doesn't necessarily mean that they won't go through with the whole thing at a later point. Don't use their wish washy behavior as "hope" that they'll stop. You need to take stronger action.
Is there a relative that you can talk to? Someone who is respected and has influence over your parents and can reason with them? If you TRULY don't want to marry this guy......then LET HIM KNOW about this.......so that he can at least (if he some sense and dignity) end the rishta himself.
Do you have a job? If so...if you have money in your account......then move out. Or stay at a friend's place until you can get yourself set up. Maybe a drastic action like this will deter your parents. They might realize that if you're strong enough to leave them........then God knows what you'll do if you get married......and they might back off. That's an extreme measure.........but is it really healthy to live under the same roof as your parents and endure their blackmail, jabs, insults, pressure, etc? See if you can get a family member to reason with your family on your behalf.......and try talking to the guy and telling him you're not into this rishta.
one advices do an "Istakhara" (whether your parents like it or not)
ps. we all marry to total strangers and guess what your parents are also stranger to you who would force you to marry someone without even disclosing any thing about him. its against Islamic teaching.
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Him and his family are going to spend a lot of time, energy, and money in this wedding....and that's not fair to him.
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No that will be my family. We support him and his family. I think my parents see this is as a valid rishtaa.
I would never spoil someones life - aka his. If I do it I have to back it 100% and yes, it is my fault when this doesn't work. Because I said yes. I am doing it to please them. I am not sure if I will get to know him. My main concern was the relations with a stranger. And the visa problem.
I don't have any friends/family member to turn to.
I will do Istakhara. I did one day and got nothing. So will continue. Until I do.
Thanks guys - was just in major panic mode after talking with her. I guess will just wait and see. I am sorry if some of you thought I was looking for sympathy! just advice really. Thanks.
So if you get to know this guy and don't find him compatible, would you not go through with it then? If you marry him (even if you to two are an ill-fit) just to please your parents.....but are unable to make it work....you'd be hurting yourself and him. Too huge of a risk. I hope your parents snap out of it and realize the potential consequences of what they're doing.
