I am having a arranged marriage - to please my parents. In pakistan.
I have no idea about this guy. Theres a 6 year age gap. Hes younger.
I am not sure on the common marriage practices and when i ask my mum she shrugs and does not tell me anything. Basically I am marrying a complete stranger.
Are relations expected? do people wait? I hardly know this guy. And I don’t really want marry someone and have to have married relations. I would find that rather blaaah. (I could not find a better word)
I am not 100% for this marriage. And I am also worried that I don’t think I will be able to go through with it. Without thinking of anullment or worse. We are a poor fit. But apparently I am killing my father with this stress and should just do what they want…
How do I cope with this, I feel nervous and very anxious. My parents deep down know I do not want this. But I am doing it anyway, because it is there wish and our religion says to respect parents.
ALSO i have been off work for a while 2/3 months (in-between jobs) and I am worried about the visa? I hope to find work soon. But the marriage is in March so I need find something - but because I am trained in a certain sector I am waiting for something to open up. Waiting to hear back on 2/3 positions.
First of all this has less to do with arranged marriage and more to do with your parents being selfish for whatever reason.
They're going against Islam. Islam gives the potential couple 100% rights to refuse/accept proposals on their own.
You've got every right to refuse to give into their emotional guilt-trip. From an Islamic perspective you would not be doing anything wrong.
Tell your parents straight up and hopefully they might reconsider. You could always try and find out more about that guy, you might like him. I don't know.
Now that said, there's other things to consider.
How would you rather meet your potential spouse?
Now say you go through with it in March, are you not willing to give it a chance? Most people develop an understanding/love after spending time with each other. So it might not be all that.
If I think I know what you're trying to say by relations, I think from a religious/natural POV it is to be expected and is merited by Sawab (Reward). Ofcourse I wouldn't expect a girl to jump my bones on the first night and I'm sure it'll be a very nervous moment for pretty much most girls to have to go through the whole getting acquainted and etc... etc... I'm sure its scary even... So I guess you have to talk it out with your spouse when you get some time after marriage. That is, if you go through with it.
Apparently if I do not - have relations on the wedding night. My mother said that it would be disrespectful. I am doing this for them, but it does not mean I have to have relations with a complete stranger.
Whats he going to do? go and tell everyone I did not allow him near me?
I understand it may be seen as disrespectful but apparently if you don't people talk and say that
1) either you have someone in UK and hence your refusal
2) you are tainted in some way.
Is this true? or is this my mothers 1905 way of thinking??
I think this is ridiculous I am being made to marry a man of neither my understanding or educational or age level. I understand in the name of God we are a couple but surely we are to each other complete strangers.
I am worried that he may not agree to any of this. And I am sickened to my stomach. i cannot have cival conversations with my parents - I did say I do not want this marriage and they told me to get out of their house.
I am not sure on the common marriage practices and when i ask my mum she shrugs and does not tell me anything. Basically I am marrying a complete stranger.
Why would u mum not talk to u about this? Sorry but it seems v.v.harsh to push ur child into marriage and then on top of that refuse to talk about what happens/doesn't happen in regards to marital relations.. Does ur nervousness and anxiety not bother her??
Most girls I know who have married 'back home' have said their other half did expect sex the first night but course that doesn't mean ur husband will. Hard to say without knowing his personality. Did ur parents not allow u two to talk on the phone or via email or anything?
Islamically speaking u have every right to say 'no' and from a religious (and ethical) perspective ur parents are totally in the wrong.
I eventually gave in. And told them to do what they want.
They are still stressed out over this. Which I don't understand especially as I have allowed them to marry me off whereever they want. I fear rejection from them and to lose their respect.
No child (I a not a child, hypothetically speaking) wants that.
Disrespectful not to have sex with a complete stranger on ur wedding night?? Does ur mum care more about 'what will ppl say' than the wellbeing of her daughter? :(
Do u not have any other family member who can fight ur corner and make ur parents see sense? Do u have brothers or sisters and if so have they not stuck up for u?
From a religious point of view the couple are entitled to take their time with consummating a marriage. For some reason your parents expect you to purely based on their expectations or others expectations. Unfair. After marriage though its your call entirely. No one can force you to have any 'relations' and that includes your husband.
I don't quite know what to say, you might want to give that guy a chance but as far as the whole consummation goes, your call. You've got the right.
Well she said she does not know of these practices - she did say its expected. And that I have goraa way of thinking - in wanting to get to know him before doing anything. I will only be going for a few weeks - 2 max. And I would rather wait till he comes here and we get to know each other before anything happens. She was like millions of girls go to pakistan and do this.
I get that. But I would like to know how and how they get their head around this. I personally find it stressful and its causing alot anxiety. A few of the girls talked to their guy. They were engaged and talked via phone. I do not have that luxary. I did ask my mum if I could talk to him. She said go ahead theres the phone you know how to use it. But I would find it weird. Theres no formal engagement.
I think I have spoken to him on one occassion where he rang to talk to my parents. He asked how I was, and I did the same - before I handed the phone to my mum.
rolls eyes
Thanks, i guess I should talk to him. And if hes not willing to compromise then deal with anything as and when it comes up. I guess! To be honest I feel like packing my bags and leaving here as quick as I can. I know thats the worse thing.
One sentence... I think they are still living not in the 1905 era but pre 1905BC ..NO offence ..
1 .. They cant marry you without your full co-operation
2 .. they shud support you in your well being .. I mean you get married now .. but say it dont work out .. whats gona do that to your life.
3.. first night ..is NOT compulsory In ISLAM .. apart from the guy and the girl ..why wud anyone know if the transaction took place or not ..wheras ppl shud mind own business .. in Islam .. the rule is .. what ever goes on in the bed room STAYS in the bedroom.
4 .. if they want whats best for you .. then they shudnt force you and you cave in .. this is a disaster recipe. not just for the time being but for the future.
5.. you d rather wait / decline the marriage than marrying if u dont want to ..
You are considering this cos you ve understood the rights of parents .. but in your situation from what you ve told us till now .. maybe the the parents need reminding about the rights of their children.
FBI - they keep trying to change their minds - one day they say I am not going to marry him, (because they know I don't want this) nthe next there are no other risthaa's you have do this - asap. Cos theres lots rishtaas coming for him. And if we don't marry him, someone else will.
So i either have bite the bullet- it is causing alot stress on them. ANd me. But she also said your father is falling ill because of this and if he dies its on your head. Its like ok... makes me feel awful.
^Emotional blackmail is the standard strategy for desi parents trying to force their kids into marriage tho.. I have yet to hear of any father or mother who did actually die or fall seriously ill due to their kids not marrying who they wanted..
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation Pinkorchids, seems like you are in a situation where you almost have no choice. I see you refer to your potential husband as a 'stranger', don't you think you should get to know more about him instead of killing yourself with suspense. It is the case you really don't like the guy or you can't be bothered to like the guy?
your mum is emotionally blackmailing you. and her point of view is definitely outdated. even in the very arranged marriages i've seen around me, things don't happen as she is suggesting. i've read nothing here that gives me the impression that she cares very much about what's best for you - she could have always suggested that they'll just do a nikkah first so the two of you can get to know each other (not that that eliminates your problem but at least it's an indication that she understands your concerns).
sorry to say but by the sound of it, if you go through with it and have any problems, you won't get much support from them then either. things will just be brushed under the carpet as 'this is the way marriage is'.
if you can manage to ride out this period, when the right rishta does come along, all this will be forgotten.
Don't go through with it, please. At least not before getting to know the guy more.
As for your parents, I don't understand WHY they are so stressed over this. Rishtaas come and go and they shouldn't jump at the first rishta they think is right for you. Especially when you are not agreeing to it. InshAllah you WILL find a suitable match for you and you should.
As for the obeying parents in Islam, that's right but as children, we have rights over our parents as well and Islamically, if this marriage were to go through, many would consider it invalid since it's kind of "forced"
I eventually gave in. And told them to do what they want.
They are still stressed out over this. Which I don't understand especially as I have allowed them to marry me off whereever they want. I fear rejection from them and to lose their respect.
No child (I a not a child, hypothetically speaking) wants that.
Im not going to sugar coat this so here goes:
A forced nikah is wrong in Islam...and since what your parents are doing is against Islam...you're allowed to refuse this marriage. The only time its okay to refuse your parents is when they're doing something unIslamic.
I do not understand what is stopping you from making your point and standing up for yourself? The fear of having to leave your home? Leave! Do you realize you're playing with fire? TWO lives are at stake here...not just yours. His too. What do you think he will get if he marries you and figures out that you dont even like him? Disappointment? Resentment? He might hate you for saying yes when you actually meant no.
Sometimes parents do things out of fear of leaving their single unmarried girls behind with no one to look out for them. They go a little bonkers out of love for their daughters...because we are nazuk and need mard ka sahara according to them. They do and say unreasonable things. None of it makes sense to us. You need to quietly deliver your decision and stand by it.
If past advice given didn't help, which it clearly didnt, i doubt anything said here will. in any case it's truly a ****ty situation to be in but if you can't realize that your parents don't give a rats ass about you and you still go through with it...the consequences are your responsibility.