Okay…I may sound really stupid here but I have a few questions about arranged marraige in Pakistan. I live in London and I just came back to Pakistan for a short holiday, mainly because my parents wanted to get me engaged.
Now..in the next couple of days we’re supposed to go meet two girls and their families - in karachi. I dont know any of the girls and nor do my parents. We’re going through a go-between who knows the girl and her family.
My question is - what am I supposed to do when we go to their house? I mean…am I allowed to talk to the girl and if so, what can I talk to her about? Are there any restrictions?
I have no problems talking to girls but I dont really know what to say or do in these circumstances so I hope someone can help me out!!! And tell me how such meetings go…because I’m totally lost!!
Okay....I may sound really stupid here but I have a few questions about arranged marraige in Pakistan. I live in London and I just came back to Pakistan for a short holiday, mainly because my parents wanted to get me engaged.
Now..in the next couple of days we're supposed to go meet two girls and their families - in karachi. I dont know any of the girls and nor do my parents. We're going through a go-between who knows the girl and her family.
My question is - what am I supposed to do when we go to their house? I mean...am I allowed to talk to the girl and if so, what can I talk to her about? Are there any restrictions?
I have no problems talking to girls but I dont really know what to say or do in these circumstances so I hope someone can help me out!!! And tell me how such meetings go...because I'm totally lost!!
Good luck, just make sure you make the right choice, or leave on your "kismet"
Just be yourself and see what happen.
Yeah well Im a lil nervous because the way I talk to girls in London for eg, in the sense that its very casual and really natural, cant be the way I talk to these girls. So Im just 1) nervous cos I would hate for everyone,including myself, to be uncomfortable if I dont know what to say - what kinda questions to ask or expect..and 2) I dont wanna risk offending anyone by being as casual as I am with my friends in the UK.
it really depends on ur family n the girls family... what they're views are will pretty much determine what restrictions are placed....
depending on both families... mayb u two will get a chance to talk completely in private.. or talk with some1 else around.. or mayb just get to see eachother... with not much interaction except for hi hello..
as i said at the end of the day it really depends on the views of both families... there is no such thing as a 'typical' meeting... as every family has different views in terms of wat is acceptable...
Yeah well Im a lil nervous because the way I talk to girls in London for eg, in the sense that its very casual and really natural, cant be the way I talk to these girls. So Im just 1) nervous cos I would hate for everyone,including myself, to be uncomfortable if I dont know what to say - what kinda questions to ask or expect..and 2) I dont wanna risk offending anyone by being as casual as I am with my friends in the UK.
Well first of all just pretend you're not there to see the girls, but on a holiday maybe it will make it easier for you to be yourself.
If you know that the reason is to go see the girls obviously you'll feel nervous, relex yourself and a deep breath, again good luck.
treat the girls like people. you don't sound like the kind of guy who'd be looking at these girls based on their physique alone, but sometimes guys come across like that in these situations. from a girls perspective, i can say its absolutely nerve-wracking - sometimes, you feel very much like a piece of meat. i say, be yourself. use your head and if you see that its easy to talk to the girl, then talk to her like you normally would. if she seems shy or her family doesn't seem open to you conversing with her, then back up.
My hubby went thru a couple of these meets. His were pretty formal I think, dont know whether your meets will go the same way. anyway, he was first introduced to the gals mother and father, sometimes uncles and aunts too. Sat down for tea and a chat to get to know him. Basically they wanted to know whether he prayed 5 times a day, did he eat pork, did he drink alcohol and did he ever have sex. Once that was done, they would call the gal in to join them. He was not allowed to be alone with the gal at the first meeting. If the family and gal liked him, he was allowed to spend some time alone with the gal on a second meet.
i think u should have dinner with the whole family and including the girl. this would allow u to have good environment and u can ask questions about her hobbies study and what she likes and doesnt like from not jus the gal but the family as well and this way her parents wont mind either otherwise sometimes in paki families they mind that our gal is talking to some guy on her own. also it would give u an idea how close they are in their family and if u feel that wo gal ache akhlaq ki hai then u'r problem is solved bcz in the end of the akhlaq matters the most. i believe that everyone is great person its jus the matter of how much time u put in that relationship and how committed u r to understand that person. once u into that mode of understanding each other u'r life is way easier. hope its help :)
Basically they wanted to know whether he prayed 5 times a day, did he eat pork, did he drink alcohol and did he ever have sex. Once that was done, they would call the gal in to join them. He was not allowed to be alone with the gal at the first meeting. If the family and gal liked him, he was allowed to spend some time alone with the gal on a second meet.
w00t??! thats pretty crazy REALLY PERSONAL heavy talk for a first meeting! i guess those were their requirements so they wanted to get them out of the way? yeesh. i'm glad i'm not a desi guy- i dont think i'd have done very well!
on a sidenote, of the three guys i formally met, one of them "rejected" me cos i was "too short" i.e. 5'2" and the guy was 6". the Fiancé is 6'7". ahahahahaha! i so want to run into THOSE people with him by my side! weirdos.
Just relax - be yourself - let the girl be comfortable while talking to you so that she doesnt have to mold herself as you want to see her rather then being herself...
start with general talks and then touch the necessary topics i.e. once both of you are comfortable talking to each other the conversation will go on smoothly as it should itself. ALL THE BEST!
i'm not sure how it is for a guy but what if a girl he meets is really gorgeous, the guy probably shouldn't get too attached to her since it's only the first meeting and he really doesn't know how she feels about the whole situation.
Hopefully nobody falls in love at the first meetings in arranged marriage situations.
w00t??! thats pretty crazy REALLY PERSONAL heavy talk for a first meeting! i guess those were their requirements so they wanted to get them out of the way? yeesh. i'm glad i'm not a desi guy- i dont think i'd have done very well!
on a sidenote, of the three guys i formally met, one of them "rejected" me cos i was "too short" i.e. 5'2" and the guy was 6". the Fiancé is 6'7". ahahahahaha! i so want to run into THOSE people with him by my side! weirdos.
That's what I find weird about being set up like this. You basically HAVE to focus on the physical because you really can't get to know someone in that environment. You need to hang out with them a few times to start getting at the surface, and to REALLY know them you need to spend considerable time with them.
do be very respectful to the person in whose house you are going to visit and take it eas, but be honest to the people who you are visiting.
there is nothing worse than prospecting if it goes in the wrong direction of belittling someone's daughter or son. that will make you a shopper.
i hope that you have seen the person and now willlike to talk as well.
my prayers for her. and my trust in you to be a good man and show respect and be sensitive.
best,
dushwari
My hubby went thru a couple of these meets. His were pretty formal I think, dont know whether your meets will go the same way. anyway, he was first introduced to the gals mother and father, sometimes uncles and aunts too. Sat down for tea and a chat to get to know him. Basically they wanted to know whether he prayed 5 times a day, did he eat pork, did he drink alcohol and did he ever have sex. Once that was done, they would call the gal in to join them. He was not allowed to be alone with the gal at the first meeting. If the family and gal liked him, he was allowed to spend some time alone with the gal on a second meet.
I know it's important to ask about such core requirements but when I read this the first thing that crossed my mind is that if somebody WAS doing all these 'bad' things then would they really own up to it in front of prospective in laws that are complete strangers?? hmm :(
In my opinion, it's really hard to get honest answers and gather solid info from these type of yes/no questions...maybe asking general open-ended questions about social life, career and family/friends will give you more insight into a prospective partners' priorities, ability to commit, goals/dreams, etc....For example, from a girls perspective asking about how long a guy has been at a job and why says something about commitment and ambition (does he continously/too quickly switch jobs which could suggest a different nature then somebody in the same company but working up the ladder every few years versus somebody at that same position for 15 years) From a guys perspective asking about the girl's opinion on balancing career versus family will give you insight into priorities/ ability to manage things/ etc... Of course you can't jump to conclusions even from these types of questions but in this kind of formal and time- limited setting it may actually give you some valuable info in getting to know the other person....
PS - whatever you do - don't talk about the weather :) good luck!
Okay....I may sound really stupid here but I have a few questions about arranged marraige in Pakistan. I live in London and I just came back to Pakistan for a short holiday, mainly because my parents wanted to get me engaged.
Now..in the next couple of days we're supposed to go meet two girls and their families - in karachi. I dont know any of the girls and nor do my parents. We're going through a go-between who knows the girl and her family.
My question is - what am I supposed to do when we go to their house? I mean...am I allowed to talk to the girl and if so, what can I talk to her about? Are there any restrictions?
I have no problems talking to girls but I dont really know what to say or do in these circumstances so I hope someone can help me out!!! And tell me how such meetings go...because I'm totally lost!!
U know just follow their parents set up...But if u r really serious of getting married/engaged..please try to talk to the girls in private .It is important for u to read up about wat it is that u as personality wise complement with.The age difference should be minimum too..Becuz every 6 years ,comes a generation gap. How old r u...Personally I think if u r in early 20's then the girl should be around the same age too..20's is a time for both genders to discover their true identity.They usually donot know whoo they really r, and wat they have to offer to a life long commitment. Do research again on the character traits that u see yourself growing old with...
And remember...there is bound to be a lot of trial and errors..Rest leave on Allah Tallah..May Allah do whats best for u.:)
we really dont hav any set of rules …after intro i gues …u must be given proper time for all chit chat …bus torah ap sabar kernah and 1st meeting mai he zaidah free nah honah…acha expression nahi perhatah …
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