ARJokes (assorted)

Hangout Humor (Rated G)
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Re: ARJokes (assorted)

**An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. **
***His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation.

**Dear Son, **
**I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.

I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison. **
**Love, Dad **
.........
**Shortly, the old man received this telegram: **
**'For Heaven's sake, Dad,don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!' **
**At 4 a.m the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. **
**Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: 'Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you from here' **

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Re: ARJokes (assorted)

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies,
"Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up

==========

**Blonde Inventions **
**-- The water-proof towel
-- Solar powered flashlight
-- Submarine screen door
-- A book on how to read
-- Inflatable dart board
-- A dictionary index
-- Ejector seat in a helicopter
-- Powdered water
-- Pedal-powered wheel chair
-- Water-proof tea bag **

=========

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing.
**I put a mailbox in my car." **
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

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Re: ARJokes (assorted)

S I L E N C E R

Betty: "Your new overcoat is pretty loud, isn't it?"
Billy: "Yeah, but I am gonna buy a muffler to go with it."

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Re: ARJokes (assorted)

**The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. **

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked
their son what they were having. *
*****"Goat," the little boy replied.

******"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth,
"Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have
the old goat for dinner today.'"***

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Re: ARJokes (assorted)

IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS!

China will no longer publish a
phone directory due to chaos.
There are so many Wing's and Wong's in
THE DIRECTORY,
people were always wingin wong numbers.
I felt you needed to know this.

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Re: ARJokes (assorted)

Lawyer Funeral Joke

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for
this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at
this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all
clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? *How touching." ***
***"No, we came to make sure he was dead."*

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Re: ARJokes (assorted)

***Takeoff

An airplane filled to capacity is sitting on the tarmack awaiting
take-off, when the pilot and co-pilot come aboard.***
The pilot is wearing sunglasses, and hitting the sides of the aisle with
a white cane. The co-pilot is following behind him being led by a
seeing-eye dog.
As both pilots continue toward the cockpit, the passengers start
to murmur amongst themselves.. .
"Are they kidding..?, what's going on..?"
When the plane's engines start, the passengers get louder. As the
plane begins to pick up speed down the runway the passengers are really getting loud.
***Finally when the plane is at full throttle with only 20 feet of
runway left, the passengers begin screaming at the top of their lungs.
The plane suddenly pulls up and is airborne.
The pilot says to the co-pilot, "You know, one of these days they're not
going to scream in time, and we're all gonna die!"

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Re: ARJokes (assorted)

"TV Shows"
Television shows that may be appearing soon as a result of the electronic, political and computer age: (Look out for last ones..compatible to the local scenario in Pakistan.!)

Modem, She Wrote:
Each week, our intrepid detective
tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem
won't ever connect at 56k.

Micro-CHiPs:
Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway.

Carly's Angels:
Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs
her team of three vixen market analysts on how to
prop up HP's sagging stock price.

Hawaii 6.0:
An upgraded version of the classic series.
Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.

T. J. Hacker:
A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the
miscreants who canceled his TV show.

The Excel Files:
Inexplicable things are happening to
the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this
puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.

The AOL-Team:
Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. T unite to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism.

Magnum, PC:
This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Season finale cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be damned by the wily charms
of the Texas Instruments Speak 'n' Spell?

The Incredible Bulk:
The exciting adventures of Windows, which just keeps growing and growing.

Buffy the Virus Slayer:
Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files - no small feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.

MERI ANDHERI MUHABBAT
The exciting adventures of KESC & WAPDA, which just keeps growing and growing on power shutdowns during TV drama recordings.

JUB JUB BILL MILAY:
The tormenting adventure of KESC & WAPDA ballooned bills, which keeps growing and growing despite hours of power shutdowns.

MOO-RAKH:
serial on the exciting adventures based on the current, past, future, today, tomorrow, yesterday, day after tomorrow, THURSDAYS on the never ending TV talk shows and the scenario on judiciary.

MANO'HALWA:
soap on the expected stashings after regaining power.....by old familiar faces.

*FILCO: *
telefilm on the problems being encountered in filling the slots of the cabinet posts vacated by PML (N)

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to
get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from
his home and leaving him at the park.
***As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

***The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the
same again. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

***He kept taking the cat further and further and the darn cat would
always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a several
miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a
safe distance from his home and left the cat there....

***Hours later, the man calls home to his wife:

***"Jen, is the cat there?"

***"Yes", the wife answers..."why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered: "Put that rascal on the
phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

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Re: ARJokes (assorted)

:hehe:

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer,
*"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."*
The barber puts a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, *"Which do you want, son?"*
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. *"That kid never learns!"*

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. *"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar?"*

*The boy licked his cone and replied, *
**"Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!" **

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Sheep Sense

*Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." *

*The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. *
*"973" says the man. *

*The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says, "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." *

*Man picks one up and begins to walk away. *

*"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says, "Sure! *

*You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. *

*"Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?" *

*"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
*

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Dodge City

**A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and decided that it was time, once again to head for the hills. He walked through the swing doors and immediately noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail. **
**"OK" he said, re-entering the crowded bar "I,m gonna have one more drink and if my horse ain't back by then, the same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City." **
**With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and within minutes one had returned to tell him that they'd found his horse for him. As he turned to leave the bartender stopped him. **
**"Excuse me stranger" he said, "but what happened in Dodge City?" **
**The cowboy replied: "I had to walk home!" **

Whats up with personal attacks?
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Great stuff Arjay:)

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*Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. *

*The first one says: *"Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". **

*The second one says: *"Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". **

**The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: *"You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"

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Race

**A faucet, lettuce and a tomato were in a race...what happened? **

**The faucet was running, **

**the lettuce was ahead, **

**and the tomato was trying to ketchup! **

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Valuable Mule

*A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. *

*He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there. *

*A farmer replied, *"Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died." **
**"Well," replied the man, "She must have had a lot of friends." **
**"Nope," said the farmer, "We all just want to buy his mule." **

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URDU IDIOMS

:)Enjoy:)

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Re: ARJokes (assorted)

ROFL