How do you respond when people ask you if you are trying to have kids? In a nice way that can send the message " None of your business".
For Aunties, I have responded that we will have kids when Allah intends for us to have.
For an acquaintance, I just point blank asked her why she would ask me such a thing? I felt like saying “oh no, you didn’t just ask me that” but at the same time I know some women just live to find a husband and have kids so I didn’t want to be hurtful but at the same time people need to mind their own business.
^ What’s even worse is when a nosy aunty asks a newly married girl 6 weeks after she’s married when she’s going to have a child and the newlywed is already preggo and shares the news with the aunty. Then the aunties get together and snicker about the fact that she’s having a honeymoon baby and begin with the haww hayees and "dekho, inhon ne to bilkul be wait nahi kiya "
OMG. Thats awful. My husbands cousin, born & raised in the States. Professional woman who appears polished and is well respected in social circles asked me 5 months after my wedding. I was so shocked that I started sharing my hopes and dreams with a woman who has never been friendly to me.
I later concluded(after alot of mulling) that I really don't need to justify to anyone on my/our decisions. For me the lesson was to expect this question from my husbands family and be prepared to nip that question in the bud with a well prepared polite but nonetheless "none of your business" response that will never elicit the same question from that person again.
I have also considered "Is this your way of telling me I look fat?"
simple bus duwa karen :) smile and walk away... if u say oh e are planning to wait then u will never hear the end of it if u say yeh we are trying then they will be oh my god u should really wait... u cant win with people.. im pregnant and i have had people say to me oh so how many kids are u gona have im like let this one come out first...
Disclaimer: i like playing devil's advocate. I'm sorry if i offend any one, but most of the time i'm just trying to bring a new perspective to light.
Although I posted a reply in your other thread to this problem, I also wanted to mention that often times it is just the aunties trying to make small talk with you. Since you don't like the question, you can respond politely with an ambiguous answer and move on. The problem with most desi women is, that their lives are terribly boring. They don't work, and don't have hobbies beyond watching desi dramas and gossip, and are highly un-talented in most things beyond cooking. I have found myself facing this issue many times when I converse with fellow desis. While they go on and on asking me about my work, studies, kids, daycare, etc I hardly have anything in return to ask them about because, frankly, they have realllly boring, non-productive lives. The only thing left then, to ask, is "what do you cook", "which designer is that outfit" and "kids". Although I haven't had to actually ask the kids question because I can usually get by on a few dramas I am aware of, what else do you expect from a desi aunty who has absolutely nothing else in common with you (not even the dramas you watch). The poor lady is just trying to be nice and make small talk. If you saw the same people a few months after your wedding, and they hardly spoke to you beyond salaam, you would be very angry that they are ignoring you and are probably jealous of the awesome wedding you had etc.
I always said " aunty meyn to khud hi abhi bachi hoon, kuch arsa enjoy karloon phir joh Allah ki marzi"
Trust me, those nosy aunties can't be sattisfied! I had an aunty who remembered the fact that i was done with my monthly flow a day before mayoon! And she haunted my mum and mil every month with the question "koi khushkhabri? Date uper hogey? or sl kab khushkhabri de rahibhey" I got sooo frustated by her that eventually i said "aunty jab koi khushkhabri huyi to chuppi to nai rahey ghi na" -.-
** Zayma**- Nice response. Anyone ever come back to you and ask you again because they have been making dua for you?!
Pkgrl000thank you for sharing a different view point. I wouldn't so readily get angry at them for ignoring me nor think they were jealous of my wedding, as you put it. In my situation, it is not aunties but peers. I think there are many things to ask a person besides her personal choices and perhaps painful circumstances such as infertility, possible miscarriages, or other serious illnesses that may have delayed having children. Someone's fertility is her own business.
** Sweet Lady ** OMG, such horrific aunty!
Even aunties should know better because they have daughters that are married who I am sure are harassed by the same question and have complained to their Moms.
You'd think people who have been in my shoes would know better. I have one friend who bugs me about wearing a hijab or having kids. People who have been married and have delayed having kids for 5-8 years and I am not close with, should know better.
Whether they know better or not, would love to heart some of your responses. I thought some of the responses in the thread about giving friends a ride were pretty clever so looking for your stories and how you dealt with people.
Come summer, people wil be visiting home and big gatherings always brings about nosy questions like this.
Oh, btw my acquaintance responded. " I asked because I thought you guys would be planning on having kids. You would look so cute pregnant."
I've been married almost 10 months and been asked quite a few times. I just tell them that we're not planning for one right now. I've also gotten a 'why not?' to my response. And I just tell them because husband and I would like to spend some time traveling and just being the two of us. It's annoying, but I just tell them very matter-of-factly, like it's a very obvious thing to say, instead of sounding rude or annoyed. My in-laws never asked. They aren't the kind.
Good for you. For me, my husbands cousin took me off guard. I was ill and feeling crappy physically, probably gained a few pounds, feeling crappy emotionally because I was surrounded by *****y women. And I went into too much detail for my own comfort. Its another thing to go into detail with a friend or well wisher but an entirely different situation with people who size you up and keep treating you poorly.
I don’t have to respond *****y but at the same time, I don’t need to open my heart and share my inner most feelings with people who are fake or two faced (just strangers ;).
I’ve been asked “baby questions” by desis AND non-desis! Funny thing is that my own mother and MIL has never asked me this…yet other aunties, co-workers, and friends have. I do not believe that its done with malicious intent. I just find it rude and invasive.
My answer depends on the person and how it’s phrased. With an elderly person, I usually go with the “when God wills” answer. But with co-workers/friends (ie. people around my age), I usually tell them the truth…which is that we’re enjoying life right now and don’t planning on any for a few years. I’m lucky that most of our friends and many of my co-workers chose not have kids until they were in their mid-late 30’s and are very career-oriented. So no one ever argues with my answer or tries to give me reasons for having kids sooner.
This thread reminded me of a story. We went to my BIL’s house a few weeks ago for his daughter’s 5th bday. One night, we were all sitting around. Us, my in-laws, BIl/SIL, and SIL’s parents. At one point SIL mentioned something about a baby shower for one of her co-workers. The 5-year old asked her “mommy, what’s a baby shower?”. SIL replied that a baby shower is to welcome a new baby in the family and make the mommy feel special. I have no idea why…but within seconds the little girl looked at me and said “Paheli aunty…when are you having YOUR baby shower?!”. Of course everyone in the room starts laughing and I start repeating like a frantic woman “not anytime soon honey…not for a few YEARS at least” before my in-laws get any “ideas”..
Oh I know what you mean. If someone asked with the intent of making me feel crappy about it then I would probably act on it too. But so far, I’ve just laughed it off. And I’m sure once it’s been a couple years or so since being married, I’ll get asked even more. I actually have barely been around family and friends ever since getting married, so I’m lucky that way. Hubby’s older bro’s been married quite a few years and once in the middle of a desi gathering, an old lady ‘told’ him that it was time to have kids. He just stayed quiet. I dread those kinda situations!
Disclaimer: i like playing devil's advocate. I'm sorry if i offend any one, but most of the time i'm just trying to bring a new perspective to light.
Although I posted a reply in your other thread to this problem, I also wanted to mention that often times it is just the aunties trying to make small talk with you. Since you don't like the question, you can respond politely with an ambiguous answer and move on. The problem with most desi women is, that their lives are terribly boring. They don't work, and don't have hobbies beyond watching desi dramas and gossip, and are highly un-talented in most things beyond cooking. I have found myself facing this issue many times when I converse with fellow desis. While they go on and on asking me about my work, studies, kids, daycare, etc I hardly have anything in return to ask them about because, frankly, they have realllly boring, non-productive lives. The only thing left then, to ask, is "what do you cook", "which designer is that outfit" and "kids". Although I haven't had to actually ask the kids question because I can usually get by on a few dramas I am aware of, what else do you expect from a desi aunty who has absolutely nothing else in common with you (not even the dramas you watch). The poor lady is just trying to be nice and make small talk. If you saw the same people a few months after your wedding, and they hardly spoke to you beyond salaam, you would be very angry that they are ignoring you and are probably jealous of the awesome wedding you had etc.
Awwwww how can you get mad at that, such a sweet and innocent response. :)
I don't mind when my friends and close peers ask me this because I can be honest but usually to everyone I give the same answer. Ohhhh not anytime soon, when god wills it, the time will come. Filhaal to kuch naheen.
I’d make a stupid face and ask ‘aunty,trying about what ?’ and when they make it clear, ask them ‘woh kaisay kartay hain ? is it important? no one ever told me! I thought shadi was all about loads of dance and kapray and naach gana and buss…I’d find out more about it and tell you next time we meet’ :halo:
Before we had our toddler some felt they had the right to ask about the baby situ and why one hadn't appeared yet.
It did upset me because I never felt comfortable with asking others as I felt it was a private matter and eventually a baby would be visable for all to see so there's no point in being noisy.
I told my husband about my dilemma and he said that I should reply with "ask my husband as he's the one using the family planning". I did respond to one person with that and suddenly the questions stopped. I now wonder why I didn't ask the husband for his advice earlier.
The worst is when people ask me in front of their kids and then I have little kids asking Aunty when are you getting a little baby like my cute little bro/sis? Why dnt you like babies Aunty?
I sometimes think they teach their kids all these annoying questions.
I just say whenever Allah wills but after a few years that's not enough. They try to ask detailed questions about my gynae history which I dnt reply to and just leave the room with some bahana.
"
Funny thing is that my own mother and MIL has never asked me this…yet other aunties, co-workers, and friends have. I do not believe that its done with malicious intent. I just find it rude and invasive. 
Of course everyone in the room starts laughing and I start repeating like a frantic woman “not anytime soon honey…not for a few YEARS at least” before my in-laws get any “ideas”.. 