Are we screwed?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Okay, I have to figure out exactly how to get my thoughts out, so please be patient.

Recently I’ve become concerned about the state of American-born Desi Muslim women (ABDMWomen) who want to marry and are having difficulty finding a spouse. This is not because I question their morality – this thread is more an exploration and a concern about trends in who gets married, to whom, and how.

This concern is probably most focused on those ABDMWomen who do not want to marry a complete stranger but still want parental approval and support regarding who/how they marry.

It seems that for many ABDMWomen, the ideal mate would be an American-born Desi Muslim man (ABDMMen).

Perceived reasons for this are:

  • Similar upbringing leads to greater chance of compatibility
  • “Eastern” males are perceived to have more restricted expectations of women’s roles and rights.
  • “Eastern” males are also perceived to be less flexible and adaptable in terms of home life (and may therefore have trouble adjusting to life in the West)
  • Most Muslims feel that a Muslim woman is only allowed to marry a Muslim man.
  • Most people worry that though there is nothing “wrong” with marrying a Muslim outside of the culture/race, it adds unnecessary stress to the marriage in the future
    An added restriction on ABDMWomen regarding marriages is that there seems to be a window of ten years during which they can get married. For many (desis), a woman over 30 is no longer eligible.

I’m not saying that these reasons are valid, but they represent the concerns and fears that affect marital decisions.

For the male counterpart, however, the ABDMMan, there seem to be way more possibilities:

  • The ABDMWomen are still great options
  • Because women from the “East” are perceived to be more flexible and obliging, they are thought to make ideal wives for ABDMMen. They can adapt to life in the West, they are thought to be more likely to spoil their husbands, have all the tools needed to look perfectly groomed readily available and affordable, and they remind the guys of their moms :smiling_face:
  • A man at almost any age can find a 20-something to marry
  •   Most feel that Muslim men can marry Muslim, Christian, and Jewish women.

I feel like we may be at the beginning of an epidemic if our perspectives on who and how to marry don’t change. Will we see more and more young Muslim women unable to find a decent spouse? Whose fault is it? Is it the fault of those people who feel that the ideal woman to marry is the docile, obedient, domestic, maternal type and who do not value the professional and intellectual skills of women? Is it the fault of ABDMWomen who may be defensive or sensitive about their independence and Western values?

Are these concerns even real?

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Re: Are we screwed?

Its NOT only the Americans my dear!,....Britons like me are having the same problem, our parents have given us deadlines to find a partner, if not then we fly to Pakistan which completly is against our will...question is what do we all do?????

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Re: Are we screwed?

many times the stereotypes of American/western born/raised desis that people back in India and Pakistan(maybe,not sure) have is that we are more westernized and lack any culture which is so not true. I don't know how their opinions become so negative about ADs but I feel like I have to constantly prove that i'm just like them and have been taught all the desi values and culture just like they had been.

they are always so surprised that I can cook desi food or speak our mother tongue. My mother started looking for me early because of all those negative stereotypes people from India had about ADs. I think we have a nice mix of American/western and desi culture in us:)

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Re: Are we screwed?

Sahar02,

good thread topic.

marriage is about two people and then period.
no other people ought to make it difficult.
and for that to be, the two partners - a woman and a man, must fully care for each other and not surprise with distrust.
it is not about east and west, it is about honest and dedicated good women and men, who seriously do want to get settled, as mature adults, and responsible spouses to be, and also as individuals who do not expect the other person to turn into a play dough, psychologically or emotionally-physically.
that said, in my opinion, and that is just one person's opinion, there is no such thing as arranged or love marriages.
it is only marriages based on layers of hid or indirectly obvious reasons, or genuine care for each other, expressed by both partners, so that they can begin to live together nobly as a wedded couple.
culture, religion, and family has very little role, beyond mystifying the marriage and what it means between two mature minds.
it is not about just getting together to have kids, it is about a peaceful home, a place that is made by two loving people, so that they can call it their safe and comfortable home, in which they can raise their off spring.

people cannot force love. they can not make others feel afraid, to be able to find this particular type of care.
it can only about when a man and a woman, have known and understood each other well. the communication, like in the case of meetings with arranged prospects, or meeting on one's own, is simply meaningless if one of the two or both people did not take the time to get to know each other, prior to setting the basis for such a deeply committing and life long partnership.

it is a mocking disappointment, that as someone assures you that that person is likes or cares for a said other person, and then just as soon, this person changes.

a lot of distrust is due to the fact that experiences are bitter and people are not comfortable in their own lives and that is why men cannot make the decision of marrying even someone who they wanted to, because they lack the decision making ability. in case of women, mostly, still, it is cultural that they do not normally get to express whom they would like to bring into a marital contract.

there are layers of immigrant strife issues which force immigrant families in case of boys' parents and extended family or friends to become selfish and ignorant of what may be good for them.

and women’s' parents, siblings and friends, hush them for their expected quietness in these matters.

whereas in Islam, a mature woman and man, must ask raza of each other before getting married to each other.

there are so many wrong things in the societal set up, its intentions, end goals and male-female ability to live a responsible and independent life in this aspect.
unless, these personal and societal issues are not addressed, traditional or non traditional, all kinds of, modes of 'mate searching' will not be useful.

Best,

Dushwari
[FONT=Times New Roman]

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Re: Are we screwed?

i can only marry one of ya…:wub: de others still gotta look for compatible fellaz:bummer:

Timepaas
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Re: Are we screwed?

that is good to know, your sense of single mindedness, teggy.
kaim rheina!

Dushwari :>

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Re: Are we screwed?

Do you think ABDMMen have a responsibility to marry ABDMWomen?

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Re: Are we screwed?

:confused:do they really? no seriously…cuz i dono

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Re: Are we screwed?

I think if perhaps women start becoming a bit more realistic with their standards and stop living in a fantacy world AND they (including their parents) become a bit more open minded about marrying outside of their culture then maybe we would see more women getting married.

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Re: Are we screwed?

I say , it would be much better because of same mind set and upbringing ! But in real world we dont see it happenin much !

Nice topic Sahar , would love to share me thoughts on this issue ! stay on !

Bahrain protests
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Re: Are we screwed?

I think too much bollywood images are messing up the expectations of ppl.

and the whole local abcd vs fob vs import seems a interesting issue, much of it filled with stereotypes about each other. yeah there are some genuine concerns but for the most part the people..gusy and girls i have seen having issues finding a mate ..its due to expectations and established views/beliefs about others.

Timepaas
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Re: Are we screwed?

One more thingy , The day our women stop looking for some well-established bloke , who could afford them a nice an comfy living , a life where they don’t have to do much and majorities of responsibilities are on men’s shoulders .

The day , they will stop worrying about marrying an average bloke and want to be his helping hand rather then being some one who just sit at home and do nothing .

We will see a major change !

Ah me sleepy again, cya all from work !

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Re: Are we screwed?

just adding to Aliyish and X2, i think it has to do with what you expect and the mindset. I know for a fact when we guys are looking for a girl, we're thinking this as well 'why him/her?' what can she bring to my life that isn't there already. For girls i suppose they think 'what can he do for me?'...
If ladies would just be a lil more understanding and have the courage to face challenges the couple may face it'll def. help. I think most ppl that are out of Pak., specifically US/CAN/UK have a bias for ppl from the same region because they think (including me) that communication would be a major issue. I don't know how much of that is a fact and true in practicality, but that may be another factor that contributes to having second thoughts about marrying a native from back home.
Maybe someone who married in these conditions can shed some light on this?...

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Re: Are we screwed?

come on! you can't blame a woman (and/or her parents) for wanting the finer things in life....of course everyone has their own definition of "finer things". No one wants to live pay check to pay check for the rest of their life. A woman can find a well established guy and still be a helping hand...right? Some women like having financial security so that they have options in life (ie being able to afford to stay home to raise the kids etc). think about it...would you want your daughter marrying an average guy?

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Re: Are we screwed?

that's fine....everyone wants to hit the jackpot. But do you have the will to help a guy get there if he's not at the top already? a guy working at a gas station or as a cashier is a concern. True that. But if you know the dude is on the run for a solid career and has potential, would u not give him the support he needs to do all he can. Afterall he'd be doing it for you and a better future. While you want the raincheck for a better life, what is he getting? What are you bringing to the table to be just as much a candidate as he is?

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Re: Are we screwed?

I aint blaming any one here , things got to change from both side . We men got to stop looking for size zero , brainy , wealthy , educated and passionate women or some one from paki land whom we can control , c'mon ya dont get every thing in one package ! for me education is the key word here , rest comes after.

where women , fair enough they got rights to go for finer things but ya gotta be really lucky to get all what ya want , One cant be young , flithy rich and handsome at same time !

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Re: Are we screwed?

that a different story....I am sure there are plenty of girls who are more then willing to be a helping hand....girls that want a career and all that. The problem is that it's not just the girl involved in the decision making process...the parents are involved as well. A parent more then likely wants their daughter to marry a guy that is already well established.

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Re: Are we screwed?

I know for me personally I'm not looking for one that is filthy rich.....I'm just looking to live a comfortable life.....whether I work or not.

and of course....one has to overlook somethings....can't expect to get the perfect package.

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Re: Are we screwed?

Yes i know how influential parents role is in the whole process, but that's where you as a responsible child have to educate your (not specifically you, i'm using in general) parents on what IS important and what ISN'T. i mean fine you find a guy that fits the financial criteria, but what if he lacks education and that reflects on his character, his way of thinking, his way of respecting you and your wishes. Would u want to suffer that transition? i know parents want the best for their child whether it be the guy or the girl. But both have to think modestly. I guess to some bling bling and what the guy has counts more than his character as a person, and a family man. But that has serious consequences down the road. Whereas, if you have seen how he got to where he is and you were there all along, he'll appreciate you more because you stuck with him and gave him emotional support, and you'll get a guy who's great in personality and has everything else as well.
Like my friend Aliyish said, you cannot expect to have your cake and eat it too. Compromising starts from the day you start looking for a partner, u have to be willing to give in where it's needed, whether it be you or your parents. Parents can be emotional and overshoot the qualities they need to really look for in a guy.

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Re: Are we screwed?

Personally, i look for education, character and personality before wealth or any of that. The girl could be less well-off, but as long as she's educated, has a great personality, and comes from a nice family (i'm not too big on that either..my concern would be the girl herself), then she's fine for me. no worries.