I was reading a blog and it occured to me that, sadly, I know so many women with daddy-issues. With a higher concentration in the desi community..
I am not lambasting brown-boys, but rather wondering whether there is not enough awareness in the community of the extent that a fathers emotional relationship with his children affects them later in life? - especially in terms of teaching his sons how to be men and his daughters how they should be treated by other men.
This may have something to do with the presumption that women do not need that level of nurture and will inevitably marry whom-so-ever the family choses. Even if this does not transpire, I have noticed that there as that is a deviance from the norm, this is the culture that the children are raised with…and if this is so, then the guy doesnt have to prove whether he is emotionally capable (as long as he is superficially nice, monetarily capable and hails from a good family). - as the emotionality bit can only really be guaged after being a relationship with someone.
anyway
It would be really heartening to hear positive stories, and others, in the hope of learning from them.
I think the father son/daughter relationship that other cultures carry is not the same in Pakistani society . First of all there is always a huge communication cap . Most of the fathers are not that open to their kids and do not discuss the sensitive issues . They expect lady o the house to do all this . Second they are not even open about their own feelings , and as being the family leader they also don’t show their emotions or share their problems . In other words they are very responsible and protective of their family and don’t want to bother them with their own problems .
Comparing to other cultures I think Pakistani fathers are way better . Apart from a typical mentality we carry , over all they take very good care of their family . But at the same time they do have a communication gap with their kids & honestly thats the only major problem I can think of otherwise they rock :k:
^ And the thing is that you may learn ineffective parenting behaviors from your own parents (such as inability to communicate)........and then there's a chance you may repeat those same behaviors with your own kids. So, it can become like a cycle. Unless you managed to learn from your parents mistakes because they deeply affected you and you make a conscious effort not to repeat them with your own children.
I actually think they make awesome fathers, out of ALL the close friends I have (about 20) only one of them has issues with her dad. and her dad is not the typical Pakistani dominating type- but quite the opposite. One of my friend from undergrad is now married with a kid, and her dad considers me as one of his daughters- so much so that he drives 3 hours just to say goodbye to me before I leave for the semester, every semester! :)
With my dad (and mom, they're both beyond awesome mA) we have always had a strong bond. My mom was the stricter one when we were growing up, and he was the one always saving us from her daant. And on days when she was really mad, he'd tell us beforehand and we'd just stay in our room w/books to stay out of mum's way, and then he'd pop in and say "weather's better outside now" with a wink, haha good days! Ammi would be mad about something and he'd take us out for "soup" and tell us why she's mad and how we need to go back and apologize.
We had family "congressional meetings" where we'd talk about stuff that needs to be done like "her board exams are near, let's talk about it. we have to go on vacation, but where. let's protest about ammi making daal for the whole past week" LOL. Even now ammi abbu tell us their problems probably not all, but some and ask us what we think. He always said I'd never work three jobs because it wouldn't leave any time for me to spend with my kids. He has been to 30 something countries- always with us in tow. When we moved to US, abbu worked two jobs for a few months and on his days off, he'd come from work and instead of sleeping- shower and sit talk with us. It was another thing that he'd doze off in the middle of sentences :D
yeah I can go on for ages, so I'll stop but I think it pretty much tells you how awesome desi dads are. I say, we're lucky!
There are some rotten apples. There are dads who lead double lives where they're womanizing outside the home or hitting on women or abusing them on the street. The cheapsters on the streets of Pakistan are not all single guys. Some of them have kids. So when they cannot show respect to other women, how are they going to have an honest conversation with their daughter on how to protect themselves from dirty men? They are dirty themselves!!
I'm now seeing this with reasonably educated and classy people. They have their families and then live dodgy lives in private as if they're friggin bachelors.
It all comes down to how we raise our boys. We aren't as strict with them, we don't enforce our morals on them like we do on girls, and we encourage their behayaa behavior as "it's natural, boys will be boys".
How can guys like that make good fathers?
In memon families, it varies. I've seen some awesome dads. And then i've seen dads whose only conversation with their daughters involves "beta ek cup chai banaado".
And yeah I have noticed the most messed up girls are the ones who had dysfunctional relationships with their dads.
In some marriages that I have noticed, especially arranged that the husband and wife don't get along and somehow they take it out on their children because they see that child as the extension of the other spouse. For example, I knew an aunty who passed away in her thirties with stomach cancer. Her husband never loved her, even when she was dying of cancer, he couldn't summon of an ounce of sympathy for her or remorse that shes dying unloved by him. He also was mean and horrible to his son and 2 daughters because he saw them as an extension of her. He didn't see them as their kids, JUST HER KIDS!! It does'nt matter if u hate each other, that is your blood and u love that child unconditionally. Poor kids are left iwth him now and I honestly don't know how they r but i still worry about them. With that said, men in my family have raised their daughters strong, their married daughters know that their maikay ke doors are always open for them and their daughters know, the world could be against them but their parents have their back. Most Pakistani fathers love their children thru thick and thin and some just see their children as a burden they have to carry which is so sad. I think families are now becoming more aware that it's okay to let their children make mistakes and the best we can do is guide them and they realize it can only happen thru communication.
It all comes down to how we raise our boys. We aren't as strict with them, we don't enforce our morals on them like we do on girls, and we encourage their behayaa behavior as "it's natural, boys will be boys".
That's been the mentality for ages, and it will never change. Even in my family, I see now that my brother is allowed to play with girls (football/soccer and stuff) and I was always yelled at if I even went near a guy! Things I could never get away with,like talking back to parents, he does plenty! and not a word from my parents about any wrongdoing on his part! I personally hate this. I refuse to do that to my kids, and if hubby tries to, he'll be sorry.
My dad is great....and to be honest, my hubby is the best father ever, I've seen. MashaAllah, he is just amazing when it comes to his kids. Sometimes i feel he has more 'mamta' than me. :D
My abbu has been an awesome father to us and my husband is wonderful with our daughter MA! LIke Afia said, sometimes he has more patience with her than i do. So, no, not all brown dads are bad fathers. I see good examples all around me.
Why is it that ABCDs love to poke at the traditional Pakistani family structure? It’s been working great for so long up until these ABCDs started coming out of the wombs of their mothers, all crap hits the fan. Can’t you guys just live without causing such a circus? Is it your so-called education? Your egos? Your so-called respect in society? Shame? What is it? What is it that you have a problem with?.
It really varies, some have no concept of family or a family structure. Sad thing is, for so long no one has been willing to recognize and accept their mistakes because it is still predominately a male-dominated society. Can't those fathers just let their "manliness" go and understand it's their child too. Is it their ignorance? Their arrogance? The fact that their mothers treated them like princes so they have no respect for a woman? Their attempts at subjugating women? Their fear that God forbid a girl might become educated and feel loved..and that might increase her self-esteem? What exactly is it....Why are they like this?
I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter, more like a friend than father/daughter. I love her to bits and she is my weakness. She is in uni now and I wait impatiently for her to come home over the weekend.
I like my father. He’s open minded, gives us all freedom infact i’mgoing to be honest and say he treats me most favourably compared to the other siblings. I get away with a lot but having said that I rarely ever do anything that would provoke him
I could spend ridiculous amounts of money and he won’t even question. Whereas, it’s a different story with my brothers…
My father has always had this TOUGH MAN image but deep down he’s like my mother When i’m away on holiday he keeps on going to my room I remember falling out with my father 3 years ago because he shouted at my khala. He pretended as if he couldn’t care less but he would ask my mum 5 times a day " MKD nahin ayi.. usko phone karo". Oh and he hates it when someone gives me attitude or is slightly rude to me. He doesn’t mind swearing and shouting at people because he knows I wouldn’t bother saying anything to people.
Every father has negative things about them. My father is a good father but maybe wasn’t a good husband to my mom? I guess what someone goes through in their childhood has a major impact on the way they turn out to be? I wouldn’t say he’s perfect but he could’ve been the opposite of what he is.
I’ve seen really bad fathers. An aunty I know is married to a Pathan and he treats his family really badly. He beats the hell out of his children. He threw his 2 year old daughter down the stairs. He kicked and punched his 19 year old daughter for sticking up for her mother. Similarly, I have a friend here in the UK who was brutally beaten up with a belt by her father, he threw all her stuff away ( makeup, clothes e.t.c). Reason? She didn’t want to marry her cousin who lives in Pakistan. She wanted to go to university. His reasoning was that he needs to pay his brother off for being such a good brother to him
When i’m away on holiday he keeps on going to my room 
I remember falling out with my father 3 years ago because he shouted at my khala. He pretended as if he couldn’t care less but he would ask my mum 5 times a day " MKD nahin ayi.. usko phone karo". Oh and he hates it when someone gives me attitude or is slightly rude to me. He doesn’t mind swearing and shouting at people because he knows I wouldn’t bother saying anything to people.