Many women (not just Pakistani, but most Pakistani women I've met do have this) have a martyr complex. The only way they know to earn praise is through sacrifice. That is why they expect the next generation to make sacrifices for their happiness and end up getting ludicrously involved in bahu-son drama -- they never sought their own happiness.
I'm not challenging your post, what you're saying is very true, a woman is always expected to compromise and make sacrifices.
But I fail to see the sacrifice in being a stay at home mum especially if you had no career aspirations to begin with. Even if you did sacrifice your youth for your family, is this a bad thing? If a mother had only one bite of roti, would she feed it to herself or to her child? Is this a bad sacrifice that her family's needs come before everything to her?
And I'm all for everyone fending for themselves especially when both partners are working and when the kids are old enough to make their own beds n stuff. But if the woman of the house finds joy in doing the chores and taking care of everyone, I don't see the issue there.
I guess I see it differently, like sahar said....most odler women have this martyr complex and think thats' all they are good for...cooking and home and all. and you know what, if that's how they've lived the bulk of their life and they take pride in it....good for them. but to take pride in it and then look down on others for not doing the same is where the problems start...
Just an example, ther'es a difference between cooking a good meal for your husband, and then stopping everything you're doing just to go heat it up for him when he's perfectly capable of heating it up himself.
its just little things.....sometimes I heat up/pour food for my husband, sometimes ill fill his glass wiht ice and drink and bring it to him...other times he does it himself...Im not a slave, and thats the difference between willingly doing it and being expected to do it.
but to take pride in it and then look down on others for not doing the same is where the problems start...
Sure, that's something we all agree on.
But the sad reality is that "sugghar panna" may really be all they're good at since they never got the same opportunities as we did in terms of education etc.
Tehre's nothing wrong in taking care of your home, and being good to your husband, but again its a give and take...a wife/DIL isn't a slave for anybody.
Some people enjoy doing things for themselves and not waiting around for their husbands to come home to pick up a bed, she probably understands what it's doing to her health, maybe to her the pros outweigh the cons?
Also, we're way too 'soft', women used to work in farms and cook and clean for a whole joint family, they aren't all fragile petals, a lot of women can take care of themselves, live and let live.
I'm not challenging your post, what you're saying is very true, a woman is always expected to compromise and make sacrifices.
But I fail to see the sacrifice in being a stay at home mum especially if you had no career aspirations to begin with. Even if you did sacrifice your youth for your family, is this a bad thing? If a mother had only one bite of roti, would she feed it to herself or to her child? Is this a bad sacrifice that her family's needs come before everything to her?
And I'm all for everyone fending for themselves especially when both partners are working and when the kids are old enough to make their own beds n stuff. But if the woman of the house finds joy in doing the chores and taking care of everyone, I don't see the issue there.
They portray it as a sacrifice.
But the sad reality is that "sugghar panna" may really be all they're good at since they never got the same opportunities as we did in terms of education etc.
i'd call it 'change of times' ...our mothers, MILS, grandmothers were raised in a time when incomes were less, families were more and usually women were the ones to be the home-makers. They were completely devoted to their homes and families. Not all of them were obliged to learn or to study & do post graduations.
we are now distracted by the need to work, earn and go outside do things **men **were only 'supposed' to do back then. So naturally the sughar pana has become kind of marred. Plus the added comforts of ready to eat meals, home deliveries, manual help, lots of machines .... that has made us a little araam pasand. No complaints here though :p
secondly am sure once we all are mothers IA, nadz you already being of one and expecting another MA..you would realise how much you would love to care for your little one ..and by the time *you *would reach the age of your MIL you would be so used to the work, work routine that chances are you might be frowning upon your own bahu for her laid back behavior and carelessness.
Women are very flexible and generally adapted for making efforts for their loved ones prefering them over their own self :)
but rest assured it's not written in stone that a woman MUST do all the above and must exhibit the highest order of sacrifice in order to be a good person, wife, bahu etc. Everyone has a right to their ownself first ! :)
I am totally agreed with you here. My father loves cooking and when i tell this to my friends or they see him in the kitchen.. their response is totally shocking "tmhry father khana pakaty hain.. tum logoon ko sharam nahin ati jab woh kitchen main hoty hain" blah blah blah.... Means where it is written that men should not cook.. in fact men are good cooks as compared to women. My father does not only cook food but he usually does his own work. Never ask us to do something for him even kabhi eik glass pani bhi hum sey nahin manga MashaAllah sey. I think every men should be like him.
lol tum ko aagay se kehna chahiye "ke phir tou aap ko kisi restaurant main jane ki zehmat nahi karni chahiye kyon ke wahan amooman chefs or waiters mard hazraat hotey hain (woh bhi kisi ke baap honge) :)
esp the older lot, i dont understand why they have to work their bones off during their younger days and even now at 50+ are running around doing heavyload work, messing up their joints....and then theyre in pain. alot of it. cant walk. etc.
However, they are PROUD of this. they are proud or seem proud to say that they are running around after their husbands/housework/etc and seem happy to let the world know that hey i may be on crutches/have severe joint pain/cant feel my legs/broken back/etc it seems like its something to be happy about...why would you do that? my MIL used to move beds, all myherself, cos she said noone esle did it...sooooooo...and now your paying for it. but she seems proud of it and looks at me likehuhhh your nothing compared to how i was/am..is this a competition.......?
FOR ME, maybe i dontcare, but i would neverrrr run myself raggered for anyone, never move a bed myself,to hell with it if no one else does it.....why ruin your life....
what i ont get, is these people pray to god, namaz, for their health, why? IF I PRAY for my health, il make damn sure im not lifting the entire bedroom furntiture by myself, or even worse, is when my dad/FIL gets up to get THEIR OWN GLASS OF WATER and youll see my mum/MIL 1000 mile an hour karate chop them before they get to the watercooler, and do it themsevles, however much they could be ill themselves...
my MIL is ill these days, her husband looks after her, she feels guilty she told me biwi khidmet kay liye hoti hai, not husband, we should be looking after him..........wtf....
Nadz is the reason why the Desi in UK/USA prefer a Pakistani born and brought up girl... and if anyone, for any reason have urge to marry an ABCD or BBCD, then please refer to nadz posting in Life1
thats awfully rude of you.
just because one lady is a spoiled brat and can't help out her inlaws doesn't mean you have to generalize.
sorry if it is rude, but often there is one example which terrifies others.. e.g. not all Muslims are terrorists, but action of few who don't even represent 2% of the muslims population make all muslims looks like a terrorist...
same applies in social circle, to give an example a very close friend of mine was married to his cousin who is ABCD, i can tell you the guy is humble and nice by nature, he does everything a man can do to comfort his wife but nothing seems to satisfy her, she do not hold on to her words, she tries to manipulate him, she talk about Pakistan and its norm like it is something disgusting, try to prove how rich, and good culture she has came from ( tells a lot by her behavior), do not respect her MIL, always pose as a victim...and the guy don't like to go home any more ( after 4 years of marriage), he tries to stay out-side as much as he can, try to over-work him so that he don't have to see her... and the only thing is holding him with her, is the two little kids they have... and he loves them like anything in the world and don't want to loose them over stupid laws... so he is stuck in very bad situation.... and now, everyone, close to him or knows little about him, try to avoid their ABCD/BBCD cousins....
I agree not all are bad but you know perception theory
My mother is exactly the same. Here in Pak she has all the domestic help she needs, yet she's involved in every chore, laundry, cleaning, changing the furniture around, cooking etc. I don't like it either, she's over 45 now and I think she shouldn't be working herself so hard. I guess it's just ingrained into the older generation's tarbiyat. All my khalas are exactly like this too, working all day putting themselves on the line for the family.
My mother is exactly the same. Here in Pak she has all the domestic help she needs, yet she's involved in every chore, laundry, cleaning, changing the furniture around, cooking etc. I don't like it either, she's over 45 now and I think she shouldn't be working herself so hard. I guess it's just ingrained into the older generation's tarbiyat. All my khalas are exactly like this too, working all day putting themselves on the line for the family.
Same here, my mum gets involved in every single thing MashaaAllah. And I feel ashamed, I'm too lazy to move a sofa.. While mum does it all the time moves furniture for bedrooms, lounge etc.
Same is the case with MIL..
But I'm happy that they are healthy & fit for their age. May Allah Tallah bless them with health & happiness always!
I try to help them where they need me. I try they don't over do & exhaust themselves.. I blv in saas bahu / maa beti ko mil k kaam kerna chahiye.
I don't know what is nadz really complaining about here?