I have a very near and dear friend who has been married for four years, has a child and lives with her in-laws. She will be moving out soon due to a change in location of her job. Mashaallah her in-laws are very nice people and all but she is happy to be going out on her own.
The problem is that her husband doesn’t want to leave his parents. He wants them to come along and live with him forever. Now my friend doesn’t have a problem with them but she really wants her own privacy. Her MIL is a very old fashioned woman and my friend is not. For 4 years she did as her MIL said and now she she wants to live life on her own terms. She wants peace of mind but her MIL is very clingy towards her son. She reasoned with him and told him to buy them an apartment nearby or build them a guest house so they can all live in peace. She doesn’t want to create any problems but feels this is her right in Islam.
Is she right for doing this? Islamically can she live without her in laws? How would you explain this to your husband so that his feelings don’t get hurt?
can't help you - but makes me think - when American's leave their old aged parents in other States and visit them once/twice a year - then we ALL frown upon them and we are so much into ourselves that we never leave our old family members alone - we keep them with us - and all that... but it seems that somewhere deep down (beyond the frowns) - even desi's want to do the same... but uppar se it's all dikhawat - ke we take care of our old ones...
:(
I am not blaming/pointing at you or your friend.. jus blurted out my thoughts ... :(
^ I agree but she says that is not what she wants. She is willing to take care of them, visit them often, make food for them, give them money, etc etc but for some reason she wants to live separately.
Is living in same apartment complex but in different apartments an option?
Personally I'd love to be there for my (and my wife's) parents when they need me/us but I do realize that everyone need a personal space and this is a right that is given by Islam to wife.
NJM .. dont compare old amreekan parents to our old desi parents….. ours think it’s their right to interfere in every single detail of their even 50+ yr old son/daughter lives. …we need our own independency n privacy after marriage and it is very annoying to live with some clingy MIL
Is living in same apartment complex but in different apartments an option?
Personally I'd love to be there for my (and my wife's) parents when they need me/us but I do realize that everyone need a personal space and this is a right that is given by Islam to wife.
Selfishness is new 'cool' . Yea guys this is the next generation of women we'll be dealing with . Be careful when you choose . They ain't like your mom . Now personal space is more important than your parents .
Though I will also love my own privacy, but i want to be there with my parents when they need me the most ie in old age! though i am not living with my parents at present but wish to be united with them one day for life.
you friend want best of both worlds, she want to care for them yet cant live with them, like them to the point that she can only live their son and cant stand them within the same house of building. even she may not be very islamic but want to exercise this as islamic right!
Islam at the same time teaches to respect and care for parents specially in their old age.
in simple words she want to say bye to in laws in very diplomatic words... and this pathetic looser husband want them to live for whole LIFE - what an absurd idea!
Maham, I hate to put you on the spot but I was just wondering what would you do if you ever ended up with a very demanding MIL?
I dont mind you asking me this, i am sure with my views like this every other girl wants to ask me this same question. Well dont think i am this very self sacrificing girl who wl go into her inlaws and tolerate their abuse, wrong demands, etc. All i know is that i am gonna go in to my new family (whenever that happens) with an open mind, no precieved notions that oh all inlaws r evil n all dat and i am gonna do my 101% to be happy myself and keep them happy too. I think its difficult but not impossible. You should be ready to adapt to the atmosphere ofcourse not at the cost of your respect, never!!!. But i know i would do whatever it takes to make sure i dont become the cause of breaking up any family. InshaAllah i will make sure of that...To me my family is very important and i would hate to see them apart so i would want the same for my husband's family which wl eventually become mine after marriage.
I think marriages r very difficult to make work but if you are honest to yourself and your family you will make it work at any cost. So yah if my mother in law is demanding i would do my best to understand her point of view and adjust however if she is just demanding me to do something thats against my ethics, morals i will sit down with her and let her know. No sane person can ask you to do wrong but if its just different customs then i had try and strike a balance. See even parents at times have different views than you but that doesnt make you leave them or dislike them.
^honey u r not married yet.... so say watever pleases you....i used to think the same until i got married.... u wont beleive how drastically u change sometimes afterwards.... the thinks you literally HATE to do now, u will force urself to do after marriage.... i hope u wont run into problems, but lets not assume we live in utopia ..
^ well i m not saying i wl be an angel if any such issue arises but atleast i am not letting any precieved notions spoil my mind. Believe it or not, 90% of girls today go into their new homes already prepared that they wl soon be moving in to their independent homes without their inlaws. So yah i am very much in knowledge about what's happening and how often inlaws r very demanding and wrongly so. But at the end of the day, you both have to strike a balance somewhere. The solution is not to get away from problems but to solve them together.
Maham S;7010345 But at the end of the day, you both have to strike a balance somewhere. The solution is not to get away from problems but to solve them together.
yeah thats written in the good books as well...
... only if u have a partner like that
good luck
I don't know why its so wrong to demand for a seperate house when you're married. Just because you don't live in the same house doesn't mean you wont care for the parents!
All this girl is asking for is a separate apartment or a separate portion and thats her right.
can't help you - but makes me think - when American's leave their old aged parents in other States and visit them once/twice a year - then we ALL frown upon them and we are so much into ourselves that we never leave our old family members alone - we keep them with us - and all that... but it seems that somewhere deep down (beyond the frowns) - even desi's want to do the same... but uppar se it's all dikhawat - ke we take care of our old ones...
:(
I am not blaming/pointing at you or your friend.. jus blurted out my thoughts ... :(
Americans don't abandon their parents. They just choose to live independently as normal mature human beings. Most american parents WANT to be left alone and live peacefully in their own homes or retirment homes where they can finally relax. They love their freedom and independence. When kids live with them with their own spouses, that creates problems. Everyone wants to run their household differently.
And living in the same house as your parents doesn't mean you are also taking care of them. I see so many people ignoring their parents, not taking them out often, leaving them in their rooms with their tv and newspaper. Just giving them food and medicine doesn't mean you're taking care of your parents. They need to have some entertainment too but we totally ignore that. The wife is usually busy with cooking, shopping or other chores. kids are too busy at school and videogames. Son doesn't come home until eveing and then he just eats, watches tv and goes to sleep. Everyone is just too busy. Parents just stay in their rooms all day or go to the garden for a walk!
In retirement homes, they actaully have alot of activities and are surrounded by other people their own age who have time for them and they can actually relate to them.
Alot of my freinds grandparents live alone and love their independence and busy with their own activities.
This is totally a desi way of thnking that we have to live in the same house if we care for our parents. totally ridiculous and pointless.
And obviously if the parents live in the same house they will interfere. Whatelse will they do? I mean they also want to be part of decision making process and want to be part of everything. How can they let the wife make all the decisions because after all they raised the son and feel its their right to have a say in how things are run.
.. ours think it’s their right to interfere in every single detail of their even 50+ yr old son/daughter lives. …we need our own independency n privacy after marriage and it is very annoying to live with some clingy MIL