dont think the boy gets along with his parents because he's not living with them right now nor does he plan to after.
2 Comments I wanted to make regarding the above statement:
1) Please do NOT assume that he doesn't get along with parents simply b/c he doesn't live with them. I moved out of my house right after college. That was years ago. Even to this day many people assume that I'm not close to my parents simply b/c I don't live with them. Its far from the truth. I may not be emotionally/financially dependant on them....but that doesn't mean that I don't love/respect them OR that I would allow anyone else to disrespect them.
My fiance has not lived with his parents since he was 18. He would never admit this...but he's a "mama's boy" in many ways. He bond that was created in the first 18 years of his life never went away just b/c he moved out.
2) You said that he does not plan on living with his parents in the future. I don't know his sibling situation so I'm asking this out of curiosity........When his parents get old....or 1 of his parents dies....or when his parents start having health issues and are unable to live on their own......IF the guy does not plan on living with them, then who will take care of the parents? Does he have other siblings who have already agreed to take that responsibility in the future when that times comes?
she may later on blame you for putting a spell on his son?
even if she does not live with you after marriage, she may visit, she may call, and talk non-sense
soconfused in my opinion, what you need to do is find out what sort of women is his mother. go and meet her, spend some time with her and assess her personality. is she a typical desi aunti? will she be a typical saas? what is her mentality like? is she narrow-minded? take a piece of paper and write all these things down.
the bottomline is that you need to get to the bottom of this rather than ignoring it. because if there is a problem and you ignore it now, it will come bite you later on and at that time you may not be able to do much.
2 Comments I wanted to make regarding the above statement:
1) Please do NOT assume that he doesn't get along with parents simply b/c he doesn't live with them. I moved out of my house right after college. That was years ago. Even to this day many people assume that I'm not close to my parents simply b/c I don't live with them. Its far from the truth. I may not be emotionally/financially dependant on them....but that doesn't mean that I don't love/respect them OR that I would allow anyone else to disrespect them.
My fiance has not lived with his parents since he was 18. He would never admit this...but he's a "mama's boy" in many ways. He bond that was created in the first 18 years of his life never went away just b/c he moved out.
2) You said that he does not plan on living with his parents in the future. I don't know his sibling situation so I'm asking this out of curiosity........When his parents get old....or 1 of his parents dies....or when his parents start having health issues and are unable to live on their own......IF the guy does not plan on living with them, then who will take care of the parents? Does he have other siblings who have already agreed to take that responsibility in the future when that times comes?
1) i think I wasn't clear. From my interaction with him and what he told me, it seems like he is not close to them and he said that it IS because he's been away from them in 10+ years
2) I told him I have no problem living with the parents because he's an only son (he has 3 sisters that are married and live close)
she may later on blame you for putting a spell on his son?
even if she does not live with you after marriage, she may visit, she may call, and talk non-sense
soconfused in my opinion, what you need to do is find out what sort of women is his mother. go and meet her, spend some time with her and assess her personality. is she a typical desi aunti? will she be a typical saas? what is her mentality like? is she narrow-minded? take a piece of paper and write all these things down.
the bottomline is that you need to get to the bottom of this rather than ignoring it. because if there is a problem and you ignore it now, it will come bite you later on and at that time you may not be able to do much.
so dont let him go without a fight :)
I have interacted with her quite a bit as this has been ongoing for 6-7 months and that was the first time she like that. That's why I'm confused. I'm her pasand, I didn't really know the guy until the past few weeks and theyve been interested for many years now...she didn't learn any new information as I hid nothig from her even initially so I don't know what happened! :/
Maybe they were considering another rishta and were hoping that it goes forward, but it fell through.. and now they're back to you
no there's no other rishta. larka told me this is the one and only time he's even considering an arranged marriage and he was acting like it was very final...like how he had found the person that he wanted finally and stuff... thats why the confusion...
"the guy is AMAZING" part kind of changes everything doesn't it?
ugh sadly. If he wasn't, I wouldn't even give this a second though but...now I keep praying it was a misunderstanding it resolves itself since the family, too, is otherwise really great.
If you really like the guy, but you're unsure......give is some more time. Maybe some more interactions with him and his family will give you a better feel for things and pray Istikhara.
soconfused in my opinion, what you need to do is find out what sort of women is his mother. go and meet her, spend some time with her and assess her personality. is she a typical desi aunti? will she be a typical saas? what is her mentality like? is she narrow-minded? take a piece of paper and write all these things down.
the bottomline is that you need to get to the bottom of this rather than ignoring it. because if there is a problem and you ignore it now, it will come bite you later on and at that time you may not be able to do much.
I have interacted with her quite a bit as this has been ongoing for 6-7 months and that was the first time she like that. That's why I'm confused. I'm her pasand, I didn't really know the guy until the past few weeks and theyve been interested for many years now...she didn't learn any new information as I hid nothig from her even initially so I don't know what happened! :/
i would suggest you to increase your interaction with his family and observe his mom's behavior.
another thought: she was not in good mood on that particular day.
if you and your family feel ok, you can do istikhara.
Maybe they were considering another rishta and were hoping that it goes forward, but it fell through.. and now they're back to you
"the guy is AMAZING" part kind of changes everything doesn't it?
i would suggest you to increase your interaction with his family and observe his mom's behavior.
another thought: she was not in good mood on that particular day.
if you and your family feel ok, you can do istikhara.
prolbem is the live across the country so my interaction is clearly limited. i've talked to the boy but our families are fairly conservative so we aren't allowed to talk to each other until a decision has been reached (either way there is no confusion bw me and the guy...he's cleared all my concerns and vice versa).
prolbem is the live across the country so my interaction is clearly limited. i've talked to the boy but our families are fairly conservative so we aren't allowed to talk to each other until a decision has been reached (either way there is no confusion bw me and the guy...he's cleared all my concerns and vice versa).
please just keep me in your prayers.
Will pray for you dear! Good luck, hope everything works out well
prolbem is the live across the country so my interaction is clearly limited. i've talked to the boy but our families are fairly conservative so we aren't allowed to talk to each other until a decision has been reached (either way there is no confusion bw me and the guy...he's cleared all my concerns and vice versa).
If the rishta and guy is good, you will have to bear with the mom. Since you told that he is the only son, the mom just acted out of her insecurity. The guy might have expressed his liking for you and your family which has made the mom behave like this. Hope she understands that you are her pasand and her son is accepting her pasand and if in the process, he starts liking you, she should be happy and not try to make things difficult for everybody. I have seen mom going difficult even for the girl they chose themselves for their sons and therefore you and your family needs to be careful.
She should formally invite your family now to her place in order to proceed the rishta.
so the lady has a bad day she's in a bad mood.... blows up at you/your mum just once.... and is too ashamed to say sorry.... instead pretends like nothing happened and tries to act normal... apart from this she has been pursuing you persistently for her son whom you like now that you've gotten to know him and think is amazing...
if he's so wonderful and this is the only time his mother has behaved this way...give her a second chance...we're human we make mistakes...we have bad days and we blow things out of proportion sometimes... no biggie...just move past this give it a second chance...please do an istakhaara and proceed :)
honestly she's gonna be a part of your life but the end of the day she's not gonna be the biggest part of your life and even if she is it's okay...as long as your guy is rational its okay even if his mum isnt sometimes...
so the lady has a bad day she's in a bad mood.... blows up at you/your mum just once.... and is too ashamed to say sorry.... instead pretends like nothing happened and tries to act normal... apart from this she has been pursuing you persistently for her son whom you like now that you've gotten to know him and think is amazing...
if he's so wonderful and this is the only time his mother has behaved this way...give her a second chance...we're human we make mistakes...we have bad days and we blow things out of proportion sometimes... no biggie...just move past this give it a second chance...please do an istakhaara and proceed :)
honestly she's gonna be a part of your life but the end of the day she's not gonna be the biggest part of your life and even if she is it's okay...as long as your guy is rational its okay even if his mum isnt sometimes...
Most relationships between DIL-MIL or other il-laws are strained anyway. If the success of a marriage is judged by how one gets alongs with the in-laws, my guess is 80% of marriages can be defined as failures. So, while its is good to have good relationship with in-laws, it is not a must have condition.
so the lady has a bad day she's in a bad mood.... blows up at you/your mum just once.... and is too ashamed to say sorry.... instead pretends like nothing happened and tries to act normal... apart from this she has been pursuing you persistently for her son whom you like now that you've gotten to know him and think is amazing...
if he's so wonderful and this is the only time his mother has behaved this way...give her a second chance...we're human we make mistakes...we have bad days and we blow things out of proportion sometimes... no biggie...just move past this give it a second chance...please do an istakhaara and proceed :)
honestly she's gonna be a part of your life but the end of the day she's not gonna be the biggest part of your life and even if she is it's okay...as long as your guy is rational its okay even if his mum isnt sometimes...
my advice= second chance + istakhaara
I'm fine w/ giving them a second chance but my parents are the type that don 't let go of things easily. My mom legitimately has changed her mind 4 x in the last hour about what she wants to do. I'm doing istikhara but the indecisiveness of my parents is starting to frustrate me to the point where I just want to say no so I know that's over at least and no one can make it work then. I got an email from the guy's sibling saying that they really like me and first my mom was gushing about how nice it was , telling me to reply back politely (without anything too over) and then when I did respond she came back and told me that I shouldn't have because we're not doing our rishta with them for sure...
have any of you been in a similar situation? The sibling told me I could tell them whatever (obviously I'm not gonna pour my heart out)...my moms like that's it you can't respond to any of their messages/emails anymore. My thing is if my parents are so against it and for sure want to cut it, I feel like at the very least the boy's side should know what batameezi the mom did (my parents were fine w/ the rishta prior to this)...
"My mom legitimately has changed her mind 4 x in the last hour about what she wants to do. I'm doing istikhara but the indecisiveness of my parents is starting to frustrate me to the point where I just want to say no so I know that's over at least and no one can make it work then. I got an email from the guy's sibling saying that they really like me and first my mom was gushing about how nice it was , telling me to reply back politely (without anything too over) and then when I did respond she came back and told me that I shouldn't have because we're not doing our rishta with them for sure..."
I think you have finally nailed the problem. It is your mom who is the unreasonable one.
I guess the lesson learned here is that nobody is perfect. Not your mom, not his mom. Anyone can have a bad day or a change of heart. If that one off incident seems to be over, and everything has been positive from their side ever since, I would suggest giving them a second chance. At the end of the day, it's the guy that matters. Especially if you are not planning on living with your in-laws after marriage.
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I think you have finally nailed the problem. It is your mom who is the unreasonable one
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I'm not even gonna argue that. There's no maafi in my parent's book and its really hard for them to ever get over insults like that...iono what to do about that...I really don't want to go behind their back and tell the sibling what the mom and the guy supposedly said...but I feel like at least it'll get it out there.
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I guess the lesson learned here is that nobody is perfect. Not your mom, not his mom. Anyone can have a bad day or a change of heart. If that one off incident seems to be over, and everything has been positive from their side ever since, I would suggest giving them a second chance. At the end of the day, it's the guy that matters. Especially if you are not planning on living with your in-laws after marriage.
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My parents, even though they love him, have now disregarded the guy as "weak". Woh tumhari side kabhi nahi le ga and stuff like that...I seriously hope i don't look at this somewhere down the line and resent my parents for making the decision they did.
I'm not even gonna argue that. There's no maafi in my parent's book and its really hard for them to ever get over insults like that...iono what to do about that...I really don't want to go behind their back and tell the sibling what the mom and the guy supposedly said...but I feel like at least it'll get it out there.
this is a tough situation now...maybe you should tell the sibling because if a simple apology or show of "sharmindagi" can appease your parents maybe those siblings can make it happen... though I am by no means denying that your parents feel insulted or that it is not understandable that they feel this way...I do feel its unfair to break off a rishta for just this reason ... it makes me feel like if his mom made a mistake in blowing up at yours ...yours are also making an error in judgment by being unforgiving .... can you not try to speak with your parents rationally about this and get them to see that there's a whole history of behavior fro his mother's side that was good and you dont think its a prudent to throw away a rishta that you think is amazing simply because this one time his mother behaved irrationally
My parents, even though they love him, have now disregarded the guy as "weak". Woh tumhari side kabhi nahi le ga and stuff like that...I seriously hope i don't look at this somewhere down the line and resent my parents for making the decision they did.
i dont think the guy is weak...i think he would have been weak if he condoned his mother's behavior...it doesnt seem like that's the case... it also seems like he's playing it smart by not making a big deal out of it...because truly its not that big of a deal...it happens
by how you have described this guy and the behavior of his parents/mum outside of this one episode I do feel there may be a potential for this to turn out to be a delicate issue somewhere down the line if you let this guy go and don't for some reason find somebody who in your eyes is similarly amazing or more amazing... so I would really try to be the peacemaker in this situation try to get your parents to behave rationally even if his mother didnt...at the end of the day we can only control our actions (well you are in the position to influence your parents) you cannot control anyone else (i.e. you cannot influence his mum to apologize) ...I honestly believe she got insecure or was having a bad day ...it's not easy to utter the words I am sorry... but I do believe she's trying to make amends by behaving normally and even extra nicer now...she's trying to mitti pao...see if you can get your parents to see that and let it go
this is a tough situation now...maybe you should tell the sibling because if a simple apology or show of "sharmindagi" can appease your parents maybe those siblings can make it happen... though I am by no means denying that your parents feel insulted or that it is not understandable that they feel this way...I do feel its unfair to break off a rishta for just this reason ... it makes me feel like if his mom made a mistake in blowing up at yours ...yours are also making an error in judgment by being unforgiving .... can you not try to speak with your parents rationally about this and get them to see that there's a whole history of behavior fro his mother's side that was good and you dont think its a prudent to throw away a rishta that you think is amazing simply because this one time his mother behaved irrationally
i dont think the guy is weak...i think he would have been weak if he condoned his mother's behavior...it doesnt seem like that's the case... it also seems like he's playing it smart by not making a big deal out of it...because truly its not that big of a deal...it happens
by how you have described this guy and the behavior of his parents/mum outside of this one episode I do feel there may be a potential for this to turn out to be a delicate issue somewhere down the line if you let this guy go and don't for some reason find somebody who in your eyes is similarly amazing or more amazing... so I would really try to be the peacemaker in this situation try to get your parents to behave rationally even if his mother didnt...at the end of the day we can only control our actions (well you are in the position to influence your parents) you cannot control anyone else (i.e. you cannot influence his mum to apologize) ...I honestly believe she got insecure or was having a bad day ...it's not easy to utter the words I am sorry... but I do believe she's trying to make amends by behaving normally and even extra nicer now...she's trying to mitti pao...see if you can get your parents to see that and let it go
I completely agree with you. Their argument for it all is "you're still young, you can get guys better than this, he's not even fully settled yet. pata nahi why we let them come over. Plus you only met him 2-3x". That's all true, but it doesn't take a genius to see this guy is good (my brother loves him too). I really really want to email the sister...Im just worried about the problems it could cause down the line. If I don't tell my mom and I do that, what if it gets brought up in a discussion/argument? If I disclose that I did not tell my mom, I'm worried that'll make me look overeager or chalak and sneaky...
I'm seriously regretting going the arranged route right now. It seems a lot easier to actually be communicating with the guy so if this kind of masla happens, at least I could talk to him so he can sort it out. I have to just sit here and have the parents go at it.