Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question
Your mother in law...sorry to say...has no life. She needs a hobby. She feels insecure and takes it out on you. I know easier said than done but ignore her ad try to be happy with yourself without letting her get to you.
Believe me, I know women with BIGGER problems. Just say alhamdullilah for what you have and make dua. Inshaallah everything will work out :)
Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question
my 2 cents: there is no apna pan the way you are describing your situation may be thats how your personality is, so you can be a little more warm, caring and she may like that. Some people like extra attention esp from a new bahu. Yes you are doing things for her but doing things mechanically usually comes across a bit dry, un-involved (i cant think of a right word)
Your MIL is like my MIL in terms of gossips, I did limit her commenting on people in general by changing the topic or saying 'leave it ma why do we (WE not YOU) care', so if you dont like gossip it is better to set the expectation right in the first place. I know my MIL didnt like that but she had no choice but not gossip about ppl in front of me. BUT still sometimes its like they have this steam built up in them and they cant help themselves :) that HAS to be let out, so I just sit and listen and say hmm, ok, acha, really ma etc but only for may be 5-10 mins and then talk about something else. my MIL has this habit of self-praise too, I dont like it but out of respect and being the other mom in my life I do listen and say 'yes that is very nice', 'how did you learn that', ' you have to teach me how to do that' (which she never does LOLLLZZZ) etc etc
If there is a rift now in your relationship it will be hard to bridge it afterwards, so may be work on your relationship with her a bit, just show some emotion and genuine care. My hubby is her moms fav child, but I am the one who call my MIL, and do some girl talk about kapre, dramas, family (general no gossip) food, ask for recipes, compliment her when she puts effort into something, tell her that our son was missing her and make him talk to his dadi, BUT 90%+ times when I am interacting with her I am not faking, and when I do I am sure it comes across as negative.
Give this relationship sometime too, 8 months is fairly new :)
You mentioned that you wanted her to change, please re-adjust your expectations :) this is not happening!! one more suggestion, dont take thing personally, it is not easy to live with inlaws, and the sooner you learn not to take things personally the better it will be for both of you IMOO :) :)
Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question
If there is a rift now in your relationship it will be hard to bridge it afterwards, so may be work on your relationship with her a bit, just show some emotion and genuine care. My hubby is her moms fav child, but I am the one who call my MIL, and do some girl talk about kapre, dramas, family (general no gossip) food, ask for recipes, compliment her when she puts effort into something, tell her that our son was missing her and make him talk to his dadi, BUT 90%+ times when I am interacting with her I am not faking, and when I do I am sure it comes across as negative. Give this relationship sometime too, 8 months is fairly new :)
You mentioned that you wanted her to change, please re-adjust your expectations :) this is not happening!! one more suggestion, dont take thing personally, it is not easy to live with inlaws, and the sooner you learn not to take things personally the better it will be for both of you IMOO :) :)
Agree 1000% with the bold above.
As for expecting anyone to change to your own expectations I think that's setting yourself and the relationship up for a fall.
Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question
Soo tell us how'd everything work otu with the graduation?
Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question
I think you need to understand that a set schedule will not always pan out when you're living with the in-laws. It just won't and if you make work somehow, the people that end up getting frustrated are those around you...like your MIL. Understand that from your end, some sort of flexibility is necessary. You've got your whole day planned out every single day and in that plan you've slotted your in-laws in for about 30 minutes a day. Instead of that pick a day when you can give her a couple of hours in the evening and make it a part of your schedule as well. Like Tuesday - come home and instead of gymming and other things, try to just see if you can just give the family some time. It would make the world of a difference I think because at least it'll show her you're trying and sometimes it can actually be fun. I know she's being a drama queen - no doubt about that. There's no reason to make suchhhhh a huge deal about the things she has. Your parents deserve to be at your graduation and get priority - no matter what she says. But in other aspects of your life - it just sounds like you're too rigid and you need to relax a bit.
Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question
^ Guys, I actually do sit with her on weekends to watch dramas and talk. We end up going out on the weekends with my SIL as well. So its not like I'm not spending quality time with her. But the fact that she is constantly complaining and crying (that godforsaken crying!!!!) is really getting to me. She's always had a jealous quality - for example, she doesn't like me cooking for my husband or giving him food. She likes to do it herself. She says, "main apne bachchon ko khud khaana doongi. Mujhe achcha lagta hai" If my hubby compliments me, I can literally see her cringe. Before I just ignored it. But now its getting to me. I don't feel like going to that house at all. Because there's so much negativity there.
Part of the reason stems from the fact that I've been raised in a very conservative yet liberal household. My parents nor any members of my family ever lived with in-laws after marriage. My grandparents moved in with their children at a very old age. But before that they always encouraged my parents to lead an independent life. I've noticed how living apart causes the familial bonds to be even stronger. My mother genuinely loves her MIL and FIL. To this day she will get tears in her eyes thinking of how much love they gave her. We visited my dada and dadi almost every other day and slept over the on the weekends and during the summer vacations. We absolutely loved it!
I think that there are different types of bahus. Some like to live with their in-laws while others would prefer to live in a house of their own. Neither of them are wrong or evil. Living independently does not mean that you break bonds with the in-laws. In fact the bonds become stronger, because there are fewer confrontations and less negativity. My MIL never lived with her own saas. She can't stand her saas to this day! I have never seen her call her saas or her SILs. Its always my FIL that does it. Her own saas lives in Pakistan with my FIL's sister! Even though my FIL is the one who should be caring for her (and they tried, but my MIL couldn't stand it, so her saas had to leave). Regardless, she's always gotten things her way, and now shes crying because I'm not the bahu she wanted. She doesn't realize how hard I'm trying to please her.
Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question
Part of the reason stems from the fact that I've been raised in a very conservative yet liberal household. My parents nor any members of my family ever lived with in-laws after marriage. My grandparents moved in with their children at a very old age. But before that they always encouraged my parents to lead an independent life. I've noticed how living apart causes the familial bonds to be even stronger. My mother genuinely loves her MIL and FIL. To this day she will get tears in her eyes thinking of how much love they gave her. We visited my dada and dadi almost every other day and slept over the on the weekends and during the summer vacations. We absolutely loved it!
I think that there are different types of bahus. Some like to live with their in-laws while others would prefer to live in a house of their own. Neither of them are wrong or evil. Living independently does not mean that you break bonds with the in-laws. In fact the bonds become stronger, because there are fewer confrontations and less negativity. My MIL never lived with her own saas. She can't stand her saas to this day! I have never seen her call her saas or her SILs. Its always my FIL that does it. Her own saas lives in Pakistan with my FIL's sister! Even though my FIL is the one who should be caring for her (and they tried, but my MIL couldn't stand it, so her saas had to leave). Regardless, she's always gotten things her way, and now shes crying because I'm not the bahu she wanted. She doesn't realize how hard I'm trying to please her.
can you please shed some light on what "very conservative, yet liberal" means?
Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question
^ I'm glad someone asked that :) Well, conservative in the sense, that none of my siblings dated, my family prays 5 times a day, we wear modest clothing, etc; Liberal in the sense that we aren't too bound by certain cultural limitations or bounds. Don't get me wrong, I do like my Pakistani culture, but certain aspects of it I can't relate with and I simply don't understand.
Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question
After reading your latest posts OP I think it's going to take a bit more giving and taking to get things to balance out.
Are you serious about getting your own dwellings or is that a back up plan if things don't work out in the current situ?
Kudos for the effort you make as a fairly recent wedded person. A lot would want to spend this time with just their partner so the fact you are making an effort shows you have a great upbringing.
I get the conservative yet liberal upbringing. I'm in a similar boat; my Dada had rules based on religion however we were never forced to be a certain way. We were allowed to go to Colleges/Universities away from home and it wasn't unusual for us to have non Muslim friends which was frowned on my our Muslim friends families. We knew our culture; but it wasn't something promoted as something we should practice. My Dada always said that the Joint Family System was a Hindu thing not Islamic. He said in a lot of situations where there are men in the household you lose sight of Hayaah etc. Imagine being heavily pregnant and doing housework and removing your dupatta etc and a BIL walks in. That's the example he used to give and it stuck with me. He always promoted privacy too as he said it was Islamically the way to go.
You'll InshAllah find a balance; I'm sure of it!
Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question
^ Guys, I actually do sit with her on weekends to watch dramas and talk. We end up going out on the weekends with my SIL as well. So its not like I'm not spending quality time with her. But the fact that she is constantly complaining and crying (that godforsaken crying!!!!) is really getting to me. She's always had a jealous quality - for example, she doesn't like me cooking for my husband or giving him food. She likes to do it herself. She says, "main apne bachchon ko khud khaana doongi. Mujhe achcha lagta hai" If my hubby compliments me, I can literally see her cringe. Before I just ignored it. But now its getting to me. I don't feel like going to that house at all. Because there's so much negativity there.
Part of the reason stems from the fact that I've been raised in a very conservative yet liberal household. My parents nor any members of my family ever lived with in-laws after marriage. My grandparents moved in with their children at a very old age. But before that they always encouraged my parents to lead an independent life. I've noticed how living apart causes the familial bonds to be even stronger. My mother genuinely loves her MIL and FIL. To this day she will get tears in her eyes thinking of how much love they gave her. We visited my dada and dadi almost every other day and slept over the on the weekends and during the summer vacations. We absolutely loved it!
I think that there are different types of bahus. Some like to live with their in-laws while others would prefer to live in a house of their own. Neither of them are wrong or evil. Living independently does not mean that you break bonds with the in-laws. In fact the bonds become stronger, because there are fewer confrontations and less negativity. My MIL never lived with her own saas. She can't stand her saas to this day! I have never seen her call her saas or her SILs. Its always my FIL that does it. Her own saas lives in Pakistan with my FIL's sister! Even though my FIL is the one who should be caring for her (and they tried, but my MIL couldn't stand it, so her saas had to leave). Regardless, she's always gotten things her way, and now shes crying because I'm not the bahu she wanted. She doesn't realize how hard I'm trying to please her.
It is disturbing how MILs become jealous of their DILs! LMAO! I remember one time she cooked shrimps…. she put all the shrimps straight from the stove in her own and my hubby's plates. She puts exactly ONE shrimp in mine…. hahahahha I should have taken a picture.
I will never forget that day!
Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question
You are over-thinking and over-reacting and letting this situation get on your nerves. I am not saying living with inlaws is easy, if you feel so strongly about moving out, try convincing your husband to get a separate place.
I lived with my inlaws for 4-5 months in total (in 10 yeas of shadi) and I know how difficult it is to adjust your routine in another household but if you cant, have a talk with your hubby, that you are not willing to live in the same house, you want your own place even if that means getting something across from their house.
*I think most of the times the inlaws issues come in the picture because either husband or wife does not take stand for their spouses.
*
^ Guys, I actually do sit with her on weekends to watch dramas and talk. We end up going out on the weekends with my SIL as well. So its not like I'm not spending quality time with her. But the fact that she is constantly complaining and crying (that godforsaken crying!!!!) is really getting to me. She's always had a jealous quality - for example, she doesn't like me cooking for my husband or giving him food. She likes to do it herself. She says, "main apne bachchon ko khud khaana doongi. Mujhe achcha lagta hai" If my hubby compliments me, I can literally see her cringe. Before I just ignored it. But now its getting to me. I don't feel like going to that house at all. Because there's so much negativity there.
Part of the reason stems from the fact that I've been raised in a very conservative yet liberal household. My parents nor any members of my family ever lived with in-laws after marriage. My grandparents moved in with their children at a very old age. But before that they always encouraged my parents to lead an independent life. I've noticed how living apart causes the familial bonds to be even stronger. My mother genuinely loves her MIL and FIL. To this day she will get tears in her eyes thinking of how much love they gave her. We visited my dada and dadi almost every other day and slept over the on the weekends and during the summer vacations. We absolutely loved it!
I think that there are different types of bahus. Some like to live with their in-laws while others would prefer to live in a house of their own. Neither of them are wrong or evil. Living independently does not mean that you break bonds with the in-laws. In fact the bonds become stronger, because there are fewer confrontations and less negativity. My MIL never lived with her own saas. She can't stand her saas to this day! I have never seen her call her saas or her SILs. Its always my FIL that does it. Her own saas lives in Pakistan with my FIL's sister! Even though my FIL is the one who should be caring for her (and they tried, but my MIL couldn't stand it, so her saas had to leave). Regardless, she's always gotten things her way, and now shes crying because I'm not the bahu she wanted. She doesn't realize how hard I'm trying to please her.
Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question
every woman wants her own privacy... i dont agree with ppl who say they are happy to live in joint families because it somehow affect them in one way or the other..... i decided to live in a joint fam and ended up in a mess... i think if u move out u would be a much happier person...all relationships need space!!! it might be tough now to stand for yourself but believe me it would be much better than suffering and if you see your mil once in a while i bet you would be much nicer to her and so would she!!!apna pan doesn't come from anywhere it just develops once u start understanding each other....
u should do DUA for urself and SABAR is the solution to everything i guess....:) try talking to your hubby about the benefits of a separate accomodation...that it doesn't mean neglecting his parents or anything and he will understand slowly ur point of view :)
Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question
OK now i've read the other posts so I'll modify my comments:
So you don't like backbiting so you avoid speaking to your MIL. But what are you doing here on this forum? Just in the first post you called you MIL a very "sly" woman and basically mention about 4 different times how the only thing she does is back-bite about others, talk about your friends which makes you angry so you avoid speaking with her, and how she is soo clever in her sentences she says things only you can understand (like the living in a room in your house comment).
You obviously don't like your MIL. Instead of appreciating HER for cooking for you and managing the whole house while you are outside furthering your career, you think she should be greatful that you make sure to cook "when you can". really? our generation is so selfish!
and yes, you should have invited your parents and your in-laws to the graduation instead of your sister. she is right to be offended.
I can understand that you want to live separately. I don't understand why us desi minded girls think that we must first find faults in our in-laws to qualify our desire to live independently. Stop hating on your MIL. get the negativity out of your mind. then you can focus on living separately.