Another quintessential In-Law Question

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question

haven't you ever heard the analogy that as we grow old we become babies again?

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Yeah but a grown woman should have some sort of sense. She's making a huge deal about the graduation ceremony as if its her own graduation. Let it go and live your life in peace. Let others live with peace. Why create drama in life? Some people have so much negative energy stored in them that they just can't wait to let it out. When they do, they usually cry and whine.

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Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question

Regarding the graduation--if my parents educated me, helped pay for school, encouraged me etc, they're the ones who get first dibs on graduation. Husband does too because he lived through your last part of education. Not in laws. I can't believe that's even an issue.

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That's true. She seems to have little in her life to occupy herself that she needs to find fault in stuff.
I was referring to her need to have companionship from her bahu.

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^ Muzna, you're right. She doesn't work. We have encouraged her to go out and do volunteer work. She tried it, but didn't like it. So she's usually at home watching dramas or talking/skyping with relatives in Pakistan. As its said, an empty mind is devil's play. She's just over-analyzing and thinking toooo much. I encourage my hubby to go and sit with her when he's not doing anything. As a matter of fact, last night I told him to take her out for dinner, because, she's literally sitting around all day, with nothing to do - my FIL does a lot of the cleaning. If you aren't busy with tasks then obviously useless thoughts will occupy your mind. I want her to know that I'm not taking her son away from her. I could care less about that! But she's always on the defense and very hostile. No amount of chatting or discussion has helped thus far. I just need to move out :S Because the negativity and complaints are really getting to me. And I'm constantly stressed at work.. I can't even concentrate during lesson planning or teaching.. thus, I end up on Facebook or gupshup at work :P I'm just looking for avenues of help on how to deal with this frustration. Obviously we're both at fault

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Can I say - I think I’d be your MIL.
I’ve got no sisters so my expectations of my bhabhi are that of a sister (and I’ve got some lost time to make up) … but I’d like to think that I’d make a conscious effort to give her space and coddle her to death.

I’d probably give up my ticket for her parents anyway.
But the whole idea of my parents paid so they get to come is a little … unsettling.
Yes they paid but they did it because it was they’re decision to have a child and care for the child. And you should totally repay them with love and respect. But thats not the only reason they get dibs. You’re parents also raised you to be good and fair to your In’laws.

I want to believe that both sets of parents are equally important even if you don’t feel that close to both.

Can’t you get one extra ticket from a classmate who has an extra?
Worse case scenario - you can all celebrate together afterwards.
Or take your husband and the MIL - let the mother in law go in first - and usually later on they don’t check tix the hubs can stroll in?

Okay that was the ghetto in me coming out. :hehe:

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Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question

^^ lol :D

oh dear, its your 1st year teaching? All the very best!

PS. I don't think your MIL's issue of not showing apna pan will solve by just moving out. However, if you don't like the space and once your family grows, you should definitely look into moving in a better space.

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I like these ideas - they keep you away from issues that could cause problems!

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move out. before things get worse. you obviously can't stand those people, so why inching towards a messy fight?

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moving out means that she will be the one that separated the mother from the son......can it get messier than that?

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Another quintessential In-Law Question

Some great advice S02! I second every piece of that.

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no that wasn't my point--parents make sacrifices out of love for their kids, so why shouldn't they be the first ones to be considered on such an important occasion?

There can always be a bigger celebration with everyone together after the ceremony, I think that's a good compromise.

ETA: just because someone isn't considered during one thing doesn't necessarily mean they're always on the bottom of priorities, if that makes any sense.....

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Re: Another quintessential In-Law Question

Move out b4 things get worse! As a dil u r doing ur best but ur mil doesn't look like one easily pleased! By acting like a victim she's causing problems in ur married life! Islamicly dil has no duty towards in laws and full right to hav her own place! A sons duty is to care for dem even if he doesn't live wid dem! Remaining quiet is a way of worship! Better than chatting about idhar udhar ki baatein!

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I think your MIL is right on this part that you lack that "Apna pan". from your posts it sounds that you really do.
it looks like you are sitting for One hour with ur MIL everyday out of a sense of moral obligation and not out of genuine feelings for her. and your MIL has sensed this and thus crying about it.
the routine you mentioned gives the idea that you have all 24 hours to yourself. you teach, you come back home, you shower,pray,make lunch,clean ur basement, prepare your lessons-all these activities are urs only and you have all day to urself doing what you want to do. the one hour time to sit with ur MIL is also set by you and not her. your MIL doesn't look like the the MILs who want to run their DIL lives themselves or who love to dominate them.
you must see where she is coming from: from her angle she must be thinking that she is not bossing you around, she doesn't interfere in your daily affairs, your FIL cleans the house, they have not put this responsibility on you, you get the dinner ready you dont have to cook, you only clean your basement area shows they have not put any work burden on you, you make lunch only for yourself and husband, you fix breakfast only for the 2 of you, so your MIL might be seeing all these things as lack of apna pan from your side.

dear just setting a time table to sit with someone is not enough and clearly is not a evidence that you care or love those people but your overall attitude, behavior, actions are.
also your constant rant that you need to move out in a separate home might also be giving her negative feel about you. although you live in a separate basement of the same house, you have a space and privacy to yourself by living under the same roof and you are not bossed around by her then i don't know why you are so insistent on moving out.

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^ Agree with gudiaali above. When you do something out of pure obligation and not because you're actually interested in spending time with her, it shows through your body language, facial expressions, and the way you respond to her.

The convocation ticket issue could have been resolved by asking around for a spare ticket. Not everyone uses all their guest tickets. You can still spread the word (say, on facebook or twitter) that you're looking for an extra ticket. Maybe someone will offer you one?

I am a little surprised at your strong insistence on a separate house. Sounds like you want to run away from the problem instead of facing "her." Also sounds like this is something you always wanted and you're now looking for an excuse to carry out your plan. My dear, you have your whole life in front of you. You've only been married 8 months. And it doesn't sound like your in-laws are terribly bad people.
I can understand where you are coming from when you say you don't like to gossip about others and that's all that your MIL seems interested in doing. THAT, I get. I can't deal with nosy people either who are always up in others' business and I become unsure how to respond to them too, especially if they're older and don't understand your hints on changing the topic of conversation. Like you, I am a quiet and private person and don't easily open up to everyone. However, overtime I've come to realize that being able to relate to others and carry the conversation is a very important skill in life. So instead of resisting the change in your personality, you should seriously consider some of the helpful suggestions (on activities to do together) that have been given to you in this thread.
Also, since you're a teacher, why don't you start by telling her about your day...your students...anything interesting or difficult that happened during the day, then ask for her input. It'll make her feel included in your life.
If you can't change the behaviour of others, try changing yourself in a positive way to make them happy. It pays off in the long-run.

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I agree with what some others have said that though you are spending a good amount of time and making efforts to be with your MIL, you may be doing it in a way that makes it feel like you're not really interested, that you don't want to be there. In that sense, she's not making something up, since you've basically said as much here. See if you can change your tone a bit.

But I think overall, your MIL is overreacting. Some people are like this. They create issues out of nothing, look for ways to cause drama, paint themselves as victims/martyrs without really considering the other side. Some people are so lonely/bored/etc that they become preoccupied with their own feelings/drama and they assume that everything the other person does is some sort of insult toward them, rather than considering that people have more going on in their lives. Some people are just born this way. Others may just go through phases marked by sensitivity and insecurities that bring out this kind of behavior. Either way, it seems like your MIL IS going to complain; it's not really in your control. My advice is to try not to take her comments and drama so personally, as it will occur regardless of your own behavior. Do YOUR best. Make sure your intentions are good and you are behaving in a loving and considerate manner toward her. Continue in a positive way. And hopefully inshAllah she will come around. In the meantime, make sure you and your husband understand each other.

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Well you haven't been married too long so personally speaking I think it's a case of getting to know what makes the other person tick to get over this 'apna pan' business. Quite frankly your MIL is a full time SAH lady of leisure (of course once she does the cooking etc which is nice of her if I'm honest with you).

The issues here are mashed because they all cross over. Your MIL wants to be the centre of your day; however you work so that's hard. You make time for her but that's not enough because it's just a dip in the water so to speak because she's always at home. Your husband does the same so I assume the same rule applies there.

Sorry if this has already been asked but do you have any nands? Can anyone keep her company more whilst you settle into your job as a Teacher?

I think the first years are always stressful; everyone is adjusting to the situ.

I don't blame you for giving the tickets to your own family. I'm assuming the bulk of the work towards that day was done prior to your marriage so it's not rocket science to say your family is likely to have supported you through that time. It's nice to say 'thank you' back.

As for separate dwellings. My understanding after speaking to Shaikhs, Alimahs and even a Mofti is there is no real rule that says we MUST live in a joint family system. Some feel the joint family system works as a child has the same figures in their life day in day out and childcare is rarely a problem for career women PLUS the child develops a great relationship with their grandparents which can be rare these days.

On the flip side I don't personally it. Joint families (such as my own mamus/in-laws) give too much opportunities to in fighting, bickering, deceit and the like. I associate it with Indian dramas which to me is a fantasy world.

You are clearly making an effort which is nice. Perhaps you need to sit and talk to your husband and find other ways of channeling the efforts?

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Here's my 2 cents - I think you could have been the better person and gotten your MIL a ticket to your convocation. I see why she's hurt - she is trying to form a relationship with you and you didn't consider her important enough to include in a big moment of your life. I mean there are tons of women out there who would give anything to have an MIL who's actually interested in their achievements. I understand you had a limited number of tickets, but even if you had to buy one for her it would have been money well spent.

I also understand your perspective that she's constantly demanding time from you. However after reading your posts, it seems like she's craving quality time with you, rather than an X number of hours each day. As someone suggested, why don't you do something together like cooking, going on walks etc rather than just being physically in the same room. I'm sure she'll appreciate your effort.

In my 6 years of marriage, I've realized that my MIL appreciates and remembers the little things - things like helping her pick an outfit and accessories, calling her for recipes, appreciating her choice of jewelry, sending her flowers on mother's day. My MIL doesn't have a daughter and she tells me no one ever noticed when she wore a new outfit, or complimented her on it before. It made her day when I told her casually that she looked great.
So in a nutshell, you don't have to spend loads of time or money to build a relationship with your MIL. Just make a sincere effort to like her and get to know her better.

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Awww. Heartwarming. Great advice too btw!

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your MIL sounds like a bit of a drama queen...I understand asking or complaining that you don't see her enough..but crying when you are actually do see her every day?? Sorry, but I understand that you want some time to yourself too...an hour a day everyday on a weeknight when you spent all day working is still a lot...especially when you bring work back home. I don't understand that people don't see that. just my opinion...