Salaam/Hello guys n’ gals,
Background:
Yet again, another in-law thread. I’ve been married for 8 months or so. Living in the basement of my in-laws house - its a furnished basement apartment mind you, and quite nice! Initially I was quite happy living with them. We didn’t have much interaction though - A) I work full-time, I’m a teacher and my work literally never stops! B) My MIL is a gossip queen. She loves talking about other people and their business. So much so that she sometimes meddles in the affairs of my friends and family. So I try not to talk to her, because it gets me upset everytime. And she has a very sly way of insulting people. But she brushes it off by insisting that she’s pure-hearted & innocent, and says she doesn’t realize that what she says may hurt others. My husband completely buys that, but I don’t. Anyway, I didn’t have a problem with her. I have always been cordial and polite. I always make it a point to let her know when we’re going out and if she needs anything or if I can bring something back for her. I usually don’t cook, because dinner is always ready by the time I come home. But, on the days that I’m off (and not busy with other commitments) I always make it a point to prepare a meal for the family. I make it a point to make her feel special by making her a birthday cake, giving her presents on mother’s day, etc; And this is all for her to appreciate me as a daughter in-law. I understand that because of work and other commitments, I’m not always able to be there for her, but I try. I’m a fairly quiet person by nature and don’t talk much. Only my husband can bear witness to my gift of gab, haha.
Her Complaints:
Anyway, having said that, my MIL complains about me quite a bit. She cries to my husband that I don’t spend enough time with her. She has nothing else to complain about, except how I don’t sit with her and act like I’m her daughter. Literally this is it. She complains that I don’t have the “apna-pan”. I understand that. But, I can’t possibly be that bad :S Anyway, the other day she called me in a hissy fit, and she has NEVER done this before. She has never confronted me before. She called crying that I didn’t invite her to my Masters convocation. I told her that I had mentioned the convocation to her in March when I was ordering tickets. They only give 5 tickets and my parents, sister and husband were entitled to those. However, I gave her enough respect to tell her and gave her the option to still come. She said no its okay. So anyway, here comes May 16th (the night before my grad) and she calls me crying, saying I don’t consider her my mother, and anything good that happens to me should be celebrated in “their” house, and there should be a party in “their” house first, and she said I don’t act like a daughter to her and have not given her much attention over these last 8 months. She said she has been waiting for 8 months to talk to her daughter in-law and I only come home when my husband comes home (which is not my fault, I get off work @ that time). Anyway, it was a terrible 7 minutes of complaining and crying. I apologized and told her it would never happen again. I went to her, hugged her and kissed her. I apologized several times. She accepted my apology - this was all in front of my husband btw. The phone call was only with me though. When I told my husband about it, he was shocked but understanding towards his mother. So he came with me when I went to go and apologize.
Anyway, this whole complaining and crying thing has been going on for a very long time. But this was the first time she confronted me about it. I have been so busy over these last 8 months that I haven’t had the quality time to spend with my own mother and yet my MIL is demanding that I sit with her for longer periods of time everyday :S To be quite honest, I don’t feel like going to that home everyday. I literally dread it, because I dislike seeing her now. Ever since that incident, ever since she yelled and cried I just feel this weird “fear”. I know its childish. But I hate living there. My husband understands that I want to move out eventually, but he still wants the parents to live with us. My MIL has already asked for a room of her own in our house. But she says it in a very sly way that only I can see. The other day she was saying to my husband that, “Oh, these days children leave their parents and its so sad. I can’t even think of you leaving me. That’s why your sister was saying that I should just live in a small room in your house. But don’t worry everything will be your wife’s, your dad and I will make our living in that room”.. My husband was so saddened and immediately hugged her and told her that the whole house will be her’s. Honestly, I understand that she’s the mother. But she’s forgetting that she’s taking away another woman’s dream of having her own house. I don’t know what to do :S I feel as though every move of mine is countered by her. I’m at work right now, but I dread going home and sitting with her. I usually sit for about 1/2 hour everyday. Have dinner with my husband in the kitchen. Sit again with the husband and his parents for another 1/2 hour. Then I go downstairs to work on school stuff, shower and sleep. Its usually 11 by the time we’re done everything.
If it was my own house, I can freely fix dinner upon coming home. Organize things my own way. Eat what I like, do what I like. Have windows that I can see outside of!! In the basement, the windows are tiny little cracks. Its just a bummy situation. I’m not even being spoiled about it. My husband owns a place and rents it out. Its 2 minutes from my in-laws place. And I have asked countless times to move in there - but there has been no confirmation whatsoever.
Anyway, 2 questions for you guys. Am I wrong in this situation? And secondly, does anyone know the Islamic rights of a woman in terms of having her own house?
I feel as though every human being has the right to live in a home where they feel comfortable and appreciated. They don’t want to be walking on egg shells in their home. But I feel as though I have to resort to that here and I hate it :S Asking for my own home is useless because A) Hubby doesn’t want to live without parents; B) In-laws want a room in our house.
And exactly what else is there for you to do in a separate house b/c once again…you’re too busy to even find some time for your own mother.