Wow thanks everyone. True words of wisdom from you guys.
I have spoken to him and he was very upset. He eventually said that they are coming no matter what and I can leave if I like. I was very hurt but what choice do I have? I am hoping to make the best of this situation. He doesn't stand up for me in front of them (understandable) and thinks that everything they do is right and their never wrong. Ok thats fine i understand those are his parents and he wants to defend them and live with them forever. Sorry for even starting this thread when I knew what was going to happen. You know really now I just hate life now. Alhamdullilah I am grateful for everything but now I just do not feel like coming home anymore. I am going to increase my hours and stay away as much as possible because I do not want anymore fights in the house and they can do as they please and run my house as they please. Once again, thank you everyone for the kind words.
I feel bad for you :( I don't know why some husbands just don't get it and are so immune to their wife's feelings...how can a husband casually say that his wife can leave?? Does he not realize he has duties towards his wife and his duties towards his parents CAN be fulfilled with them living a street away whereas his duties towards his wives can't be fulfilled if he just tells her to leave! And if his parents are living with you, by all means you have every right to have your parents live with you too, if that is what you want!
I know you're kinda 'stuck' in the situation and you have no choice :( Just pray to God to give you strength and conviction so you can pass through this phase...but please don't be complacent regarding your house. It's your domain foremost and even though your in-laws will be living with you, you can very much establish your rules and be firm about them. With such a demanding career, I am sure you don't need any unnecessary drama in your life so make sure you let your in-laws know exactly how you would like to run your house. And I don't know what the dynamics are of your relationship with your husband, but since you're working, are you also contributing to the household expenses? Coz if you are, you have every right to be firm about your rules since you're playing a financial role in running the household and you will be sharing the financial burden of them living with you.
I am in North Carolina....yes I contribute greatly to the household expenses
Just a question, the husbands parents living with him after marriage is mandatory in islam or what? Because they way this has been happening for centuries, I just wanted to know the reason behind this.
No, its not mandatory in Islam. It is mandatory, however, for him to provide you your own space to live in. So, if they move in to your home, he is obligated to give you your own space within the house or buy you another house. You have your own bedroom, so one would argue, you do have your own space within the house. His mother can't crawl into bed between you, although, I wouldn't be surprised if some MIL's do that.
I agree with the above poster. He can fulfill his responsibilities to his parents with them living a house away. He cannot fulfill his responsibilities as a husband if he just tells you to friggin leave. Our mothers created this whole generation of stupid idiotic men who are total mama's boys. Your responsibility is not to make your son(s) into similar messes.
If I were you, I'd just tolerate them while they're here. Don't stay at work more just to avoid them, because they have more time to just take over your home. And be a little chalaak. If your MIL wants to take over the kitchen...go ahead, less cooking for you to do.
And again, your kids are your problem. You can't expect anyone to take care of them except you. Maybe divert your money away from the household and into a babysitter or daycare that will deal with them the way you want. If husband is like, why are you diverting the money - you say there is a need, and his family isn't fulfilling it, and someone has to give your kid a bath so you might as well pay someone to do it, because no one else is.
^ unfortunately they have never lived independently but we both work and have busy schedules** they have another son and daughter why can't they live with them?**
I can easily to talk to them about my problems but these people are too sensitive for their own good. WHen my son was born they thought i was their right to name him and after politely rejecting the first name they suggested all hell broke loose. My father in law did not speak to me for a week. I finally gave in to what they wanted.Isn't that sacrifice? Must I continue this even after they move in? If he wants them to move in, I am having my parents move in with me as well. He needs to see what it feels like as well. Guys I am a very rational and giving person and only I know how annoying they can get. I would like to come home to my house my rules my way of things. Is that wrong?
Because the other son's wife has probably given them a hard kick on their arses and they know they wont go anywhere with her. So they come to you. Why did you give in to the whole naming thing? YOU get to name whatever you want to name the kid, that is shared with the husband. At the end of the day, NO NAME goes on a ID card at the hospital unless both parents agree. PERIOD.
So, you shouldn't have given in. Compromise with your husband and find a name you both like and tell the parents later.
You just need to lay down the ultimatum to your husband, which you already have. If he tells you that you can leave, either you leave, or you stay and keep doing things the way you want in a stubborn way and live a parallel life to these morons you've married into, or you bend to their way.
If you follow the last option, they will be stepping on you the rest of your life. Some women may use that to their advantage - ji aap ko tikka pakana hai aaj - there is the kitchen jee, go ahead.
This is nothing. I have a COLLEAGUE whose mom lives in another part of the state, and tells him he cannot go to a professional dinner with other colleagues because he'd be out past 9:30 and that's his curfew. So, he didn't go out with us tonight, and missed on making a number of potential connections. Schmuck.
If I try to fight back they get offended. Then mu husband gets mad at me. Its never ending I tell ya.
Any1 else ant to share their experiences?
YOu fight back indirectly...NEVER directly in their face. Act innocent when there is a confrontation.
Listen woman, you want to keep your life sane and drama free? Get smart and do it fast. Do what you want but do it with a smile. They put the sugar in the wrong spot? Put it back right in front of her face but do it with a smile while telling her a funny story from your office.
Make efforts towards his parents in front of him so he sees you trying but do whatever it is your heart desires...just laugh it off or play innocent.
I am in North Carolina....yes I contribute greatly to the household expenses
Just a question, the husbands parents living with him after marriage is mandatory in islam or what? Because they way this has been happening for centuries, I just wanted to know the reason behind this.
No, not mandated in Islam at all for a bahu to do saas and susar ki khidmat or live with them.
It IS mandated, however, for a husband to take care of his wife's every need.
This is nothing. I have a COLLEAGUE whose mom lives in another part of the state, and tells him he cannot go to a professional dinner with other colleagues because he'd be out past 9:30 and that's his curfew. So, he didn't go out with us tonight, and missed on making a number of potential connections. Schmuck.
Pyari
wow that is so funny. a true story for real?
I guess such trickery makes women feel very clever but if persisted with for any length of time can have them lose respect in their husband's eyes fairly quickly and most probably forever.
Why are some people so quick to always bring up the 'in Islam a wife is entitled to a separate household' argument because it suits them. Whereas, at the same time Islam also tells us to treat our elders with as much respect as possible and to be always kind to our relatives and kin, that part is completely ignored! Islam advocates sila rehmi, and I think one's parents are the closest kin. My husband's parent's nurtured him and raised him to be what he is today. So now that he no longer 'needs' them but they may need him, why shall I or anyone expect him to abandon them.
Parents don't only need financial support or a roof on their head,otherwise everyone in the old people's home would be very happy where apparently they have all the facilities. But they also need love and affection of their children, and merely being near them is very comforting to them. It's height of selfishness to receive love and affection from them but to leave them hanging in the middle when they need you.
And I don't get this obssession with 'my home, my domain' idea. Co-existence isn't that hard, if you give it a try. When we are constantly whining about others behaviour and scheming about making them unhappy, we fail to notice that we are making ourselves unhappy to. If we channel half of that energy positively, everyone can live happily together. Not a big deal. What does it matter how certain things in the kitchen are arranged? How a certain food is made? Sometimes I feel ashamed of how petty women can be.