Hope everyone is enjoying their valentine’s day. I never thought I would be in this situation but I guess here I am.
Well the thing is I got married a few years ago, have a beautiful son and a wonderful husband. Now my in laws are very sweet people as well…but my mother in law is well kind of obsessed with her son-my husband. My father in law doesn’t do much so she relies on her oldest son to do everything and take care of everything. I lived with my father in law mother in law sister in law and brother in law for 5 years. Their all nice people but his mom is getting too much these days. Everything she does has to include the word We…we will do this we will do that etc etc. She likes to tell me what to do all the time for some reason?
Staying with them wasn’t a terrible experience but my Father in law is a movie addict and constantly showed songs and movies to my son with no importance of education or namaz instilled in him at all. I would come home to find my son (i am a doctor with long hours) dirty hungry and of course watching tv all the time. Now I never said anything because they are extremely emotional/sensitive people who take things the wrong way. My husband cannot stand up to them either because of respect I guess. I always had to wear shalwaar kameez because jeans was frowned upon in their khandan. I was told what to do 90% of the time and my husband never said anything.
When I finally moved out I was thankful for all they helped me with raising my son but I was happy to have my independence. Now 2 years later my husband wants them to move in with us. I don’t know how I can handle this. I DO NTO WANT THIS TO HAPPEN. I don’t mean to sound like a B*&% but I think personal freedom and privacy are very important. I am flexible with buying them another place near to us and visiting them often, etc etc but staying in the same house as me, seeing them everyday will drive me crazy, especially since they don’t share the same values as me. They depend on him so much I feel thats why they need to live with him.
How do I tell my husband this without breaking his heart? I do not want to create any problems but I need peace of mind as well and having someone just come and take over my house(such as my mother in law) would be unfair to me. However, they are his parents who took care of him so how do I deal with this situation?
You know your husband better than any of us. Just talk to him politely and place emphasis on the fact that you don't mean to be disrespectful in any way. I think he'd like the idea of buying them a place somewhere close to ur home so they can visit any time.
If he doesn't agree and ur in-laws end up miving in with u... again, u just gotta talk to them in the politest way and tell them that ur a grown woman, u know the good and the bad urself, so you would appreciate if they didn't interfere so much. When u need their advice u will go to them urself.... hopefully they will understand.
Imposing a dress code is crass. Talk to him about how you feel and maybe he will speak to his parents about some of these issues. Are they medically unable to take care of themselves.
Ok i totally understand this since I've started few similar threads too. About my PIL's obsession with their son. Of course I was told its perfectly fine.
I would come home to find my son (i am a doctor with long hours) dirty hungry and of course watching tv all the time.<<<<
Now what you said about them raising your son.. dirty hungy.. hunny that's your son.. and not their responsibility. Quit your job if you are having such issues. Don't blame them. They did you a favor by raising your son. It doesn't matter how they raised your son or will raise your son because if they do it .. they are doing a favor.. If you don't like the way the raise him.. please find a day care for him.
I am in the exact same situation.. My husband's parents love him wayy too much .. a little TOO much... they have a lot of kissing and hugging going on too.. but I am proud of having such great PIL.. I wouldn't change a thing about them. But looking at your situation, if you are concerned about them moving in with you, look at this, you have a full time job.. if they are around.. they can help you out so so much with everything. Telling your husband that you don't want to live with them will definitely break his heart yeah.. Personally I fail to see an issue here .. They are great PIL, who can help you with your busy schedule... I don't understand why you don't want them.
yeah i totally agree with PCG and spiral ... those are seriously non issues ... u shld talk to your husband but really u have to give a lil here ... its his parents ... he shld be able to take care of em ... how wld u feel if it was ur parents instead of his and they were nagging him about these lil things
And no one says you need to do the things they ask of you. If you want to wear a jean, wear it. Obviously, you are not dictating rules to them either, so whatever, lady, do what you want.
As for your kids being dirty when you get home...er yeah, you'd expect that folks would help out more in that department, but you need to talk to your husband about scheduling baths for the kids and who is to give them those baths.
shrugs
Otherwise, be appreciative of the fact that you've had some free nanny help around the house, because otherwise, all that work you would have had to pay for having hired a maid.
Thanks guys for all your input. I really appreciate it.
They both have diabetes type 2. They can take care of themselves physically but mentally are weak without him. They always need someone around to do things for them, run errands etc. I don't mind because after all they are doing me a favor by watching my son but she really needs to understand that I have my own life and I would like to do things myself without her interference 24/7.
If I talk to him he will get mad and he says no question they are moving in with us no ifs and or butts
How do I tell my husband this without breaking his heart? I do not want to create any problems but I need peace of mind as well and having someone just come and take over my house(such as my mother in law) would be unfair to me. However, they are his parents who took care of him so how do I deal with this situation?
You don't need to tell anyone except yourself that "honey, GROW UP". Act mature, talk to your husband and if possible even your inlaws about all that you shared with us. Tell them you concerns and you already said they r sweet people so i am sure they wl understand.
Why do we always think running away from an issue is the only solution? Do you think you can be happy if your husband is not happy? And how can your husband be happy if you have issues with having his parents live with u guys?.
Quick question. You are never gonna have your parents over to live with you yes? Good. I think your husband would feel the same way regarding your parents.
If I talk to him he will get mad and he says no question they are moving in with us no ifs and or butts
*Then whats the point of talking about this, if you have no say? And if you can't convince your hubby then you wont be able to convince your in-laws either, when it comes to what you wear and how to rise children.
*
Quick question. You are never gonna have your parents over to live with you yes? Good. I think your husband would feel the same way regarding your parents.
I know he would feel the same way which is why I would not have them move in with me as much as I would like it. He doesn't seem to think about my feelings. I want to take care of them and be there for them but there are so many things that add up that I cannot tolerate about them. Thats just normal obviously but why do I have to sacrifice my peace of mind and well being after working so hard to make a life for myself?
You don't need to tell anyone except yourself that "honey, GROW UP". Act mature, talk to your husband and if possible even your inlaws about all that you shared with us. Tell them you concerns and you already said they r sweet people so i am sure they wl understand.
Why do we always think running away from an issue is the only solution? Do you think you can be happy if your husband is not happy? And how can your husband be happy if you have issues with having his parents live with u guys?.
So are you saying the key to happiness for us women is with our in laws and pleasing them and living with them?
Wow.
Issues? Obviously everyone has issues with their in laws whether its small large trivial or non trivial. It doesn't mean we hate them or don't want to see them. But as Muslims and as human beings we have a right to live our life the way we want to.
No wonder the Prophet (PBUH) said "the in laws are death"
This is exactly why I am never living with inlaws. I cannot tolerate someone interfering with my life and tellng me what to do or what to wear!
laila, why do you even listen to them? If you want to wear jeans, just wear it. If they say anything, tell them you have different values and think differently. They have no right to tell you what to do.
When I finally moved out I was thankful for all they helped me with raising my son but I was happy to have my independence. Now 2 years later my husband wants them to move in with us. I don't know how I can handle this. I DO NTO WANT THIS TO HAPPEN. I don't mean to sound like a B*&% but I think personal freedom and privacy are very important. I am flexible with buying them another place near to us and visiting them often, etc etc but staying in the same house as me, seeing them everyday will drive me crazy, especially since they don't share the same values as me. They depend on him so much I feel thats why they need to live with him.
How do I tell my husband this without breaking his heart? I do not want to create any problems but I need peace of mind as well and having someone just come and take over my house(such as my mother in law) would be unfair to me. However, they are his parents who took care of him so how do I deal with this situation?
Freedom and privacy are important and you need to tell your husband this. Why can't your husband agree to helping his parents move in the same neighborhood? Why do they HAVE to live in your house?
^Before getting married he always said his parents werent the type to move in and rely on their kids and that most likely they would let us live our lives...so much for that
Physically they can take care of themselves but mentally they are very weak and dependent on my husband. My father in law barely made enough money to get them by. He never worked his way up or tried to make a better future for his family. He is caring and all but in the department of giving them a good living he was terrible. They lived in a small apartment with roaches, bedbugs and rats for 10 years. My mother in law never bought a house because she claimed it wasn't Islamic (interest)..now she wants to jump in with us.She always needs someone to be there with her someone who can take care of her and thats getting a little our of hand now and I feel trapped. I hate living like this and my husband is being very stubborn about them moving in.
She always tells him(she has another son) that you are my world. I am only living for you etc etc and he feels bad. I can understand that emotional talk because it really affects him and makes him turn towards her more. She always brags about what an obedient son he is and how she can't live without seeing him or talking to him everyday. She tells him all the stories about how her in laws bothered her etc etc and he feels even more sorry for her. I mean is this too much or am I being overdramatic folks?