Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
Good knowledge shared here. Thank you x2 and other married people for input !...
Situation husband talks to wife about point1 (and I'm sure 99% of the time it is always the husband who will bring up point 1) what happens if wife is not happy with her husband say he has a bad habit e.g. he drinks alcohol. She cant talk to anyone else about it then what is she to do.
that's an extreme and serious situation. I am talking more about voicing or sharing of run of the mill issues. It's pretty cut and dry if it's a major thing. Majority of the ongoing stress in many family situations is due to minutia that should just be tackled by a couple.
You may get over some dumb fight in a few days but others may complicate things otherwise and the whole he said this she said that, don't tell anyone I told u type of stuff just goes haywire.
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
same rules for us...
and it works REALLY well
rule no. 1 is, imo, the most critical ingredient to a successful marriage. Shehnaz and I will build our marriage on the base of the first rule.
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
yeah man rule number 1 should be obvious ... but unfortunately its not but i think its absoloutely vital
well, i have not been married for that long (a little over two years) but point 1 was always understood between my wife and i...we did not really have to discuss it. same goes for number 2..never really had to tell my parents.
not sure if it is because my wife is a gori and the fact that my parents have not really stayed with us (they are in pakistan) for an extended period of time.
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
^ no it has nothing to do with what race u r... if ur mature about ur relationship and respect one another, then both points will be observed and practised.
Its not that hard
simple
1) told begum that her and my issues stay between her and me. her family does not get involved, mine does not get involved unless we sit down talk about it and decide that is what is needed, concern being I had seen too many cases where every tim dick and harry was involved in some couple's affairs and complicated things
2) told family that my married life is my business and unless there is some major concern that how we live our life should not be a matter of debate plus if there are any concerns with what my wife does, says, wears, eats, watches, cooks, to let me know privately and I will manage.
item 1 is still observed pretty firmly, we dont want to get people involved in any issues, we address things and resolve them as a couple.
item 2 is mostly a moot point now because everyone is used to everyone else and understand personalities, boundaries and that reduces chances of miscommunications, misunderstandings, bruised feelings etc etc
but there, to me, that helped a lot.
We agreed on point number 1 too and its a blessing because I hate those ladies who tell every single thing to their mommies.
Point number 2 is great too but at the beginning of marriage life some of my relatives or in laws were like she did this or that but ALHUMDILILLAH my hub took care of it very well and after that no one speaks about me on his face. Well my mother in law is understanding mashallah and she never speaks about me.
Well seriously it depends on your husband too much how much respect he is giving you and how well he is taking care of you.Alhamdulillah I am blessed.:)
I guess it becomes an issue when between you the way the wife behaves, dresses etc is not in disagreement but when a third party comes along and says 'why does she wear short sleeves or not do hijab' and then the hubby acts on this criticism and starts pressurising the wife to change her ways to please other people. I've seen this happen with a friend of mine and particularly in the 'live in' system. The guy seems fairly rational and they have a great relationship - but his family have a way of planting a seed in his head and allowing it to cause problems in the marriage.
ive seen this too
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
[QUOTE]
1) told begum that her and my issues stay between her and me. her family does not get involved, mine does not get involved unless we sit down talk about it and decide that is what is needed, concern being I had seen too many cases where every tim dick and harry was involved in some couple's affairs and complicated things
[/QUOTE]
her masla ki noy'eyat alag hotee hai ..kuch massail aysay bhi derpaish hotay hain jis main app ka partner ghalatee per honay k bawjood apnay app ko sahee samjhta hay or maslay ka hal nahi nikal paata
aysay main app ko 3rd person involve kerna perta hay
in my case i did same thing what u said ..and in the end sub nay meray is ammal ko ghalat kaha k kaash tum kissi ko kuch bata daytee to halaat aysay na hotay
[QUOTE]
2) told family that my married life is my business and unless there is some major concern that how we live our life should not be a matter of debate plus if there are any concerns with what my wife does, says, wears, eats, watches, cooks, to let me know privately and I will manage
[/QUOTE]
app apnay parents ko aisay kahain gay to yeh ik terah say gustakhe or bay adbee samjhee jatee hai k HAMRA koi HAQ hee nahi hai
humaray muashray kam say kam yeh asool nahi chal sakta
her masla ki noy'eyat alag hotee hai ..kuch massail aysay bhi derpaish hotay hain jis main app ka partner ghalatee per honay k bawjood apnay app ko sahee samjhta hay or maslay ka hal nahi nikal paata
aysay main app ko 3rd person involve kerna perta hay
in my case i did same thing what u said ..and in the end sub nay meray is ammal ko ghalat kaha k kaash tum kissi ko kuch bata daytee to halaat aysay na hotay
app apnay parents ko aisay kahain gay to yeh ik terah say gustakhe or bay adbee samjhee jatee hai k HAMRA koi HAQ hee nahi hai
humaray muashray kam say kam yeh asool nahi chal sakta
agar maushray ko chor diyaa jaaye aur mazhab ki baat ki jaaye to aap ki kaya raye hai
her masla ki noy'eyat alag hotee hai ..kuch massail aysay bhi derpaish hotay hain jis main app ka partner ghalatee per honay k bawjood apnay app ko sahee samjhta hay or maslay ka hal nahi nikal paata
yup, it depends on the nature of the issue, but the overwhelming majority of issues are not those that warrant discussing it with others.
and even those that warrant getting an outside opinion have to be shared with the right person/people
and they have to be shared in a mature manner, and with an expectation of a mature answer.
what we have too much of is unwarranted venting, groaning and whining to the wrong people, in the wrong place..
that is why the gossip factories in desi khandans and communities break their productivity records every year.
but as I noted earlier..
that's an extreme and serious situation. I am talking more about voicing or sharing of run of the mill issues. It's pretty cut and dry if it's a major thing. Majority of the ongoing stress in many family situations is due to minutia that should just be tackled by a couple.
You may get over some dumb fight in a few days but others may complicate things otherwise and the whole he said this she said that, don't tell anyone I told u type of stuff just goes haywire.
app apnay parents ko aisay kahain gay to yeh ik terah say gustakhe or bay adbee samjhee jatee hai k HAMRA koi HAQ hee nahi hai
humaray muashray kam say kam yeh asool nahi chal sakta
umm look dont read my words here as verbatim for what I said to them but that was essntially the message. I am a grown up, let me run my life, if there are issues, until everyone understands each others temprament, just give me your advise, concerns.
what HAQ btw? what HAQ has anyone to tell anyone anything? its this HAQ thinking that gets ppl in trouble, does every elder then have a HAQ to tell everyone younger anything at anytime in any manner?
Elders dont have a 'right' but a 'privilege' and it is a privilege that must be exercised responsibly and keeping in mind the wishes and personalities of the people that elders are giving advise to. There is no gustakhi in establishing ground rules. As a matter of fact that is part of one being an adult.
the asool works well in "humara muashara" as noted by other people in this thread.
this type of thinknig will definately cause some grief…
the sooner one changes this logic, the sooner their marital life turns to the bliss path… and further on, ur children will appreicate this as well :k: