another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff

Lifestyle Relationships
1

simple

  1. told begum that her and my issues stay between her and me. her family does not get involved, mine does not get involved unless we sit down talk about it and decide that is what is needed, concern being I had seen too many cases where every tim dick and harry was involved in some couple’s affairs and complicated things

  2. told family that my married life is my business and unless there is some major concern that how we live our life should not be a matter of debate plus if there are any concerns with what my wife does, says, wears, eats, watches, cooks, to let me know privately and I will manage.

item 1 is still observed pretty firmly, we dont want to get people involved in any issues, we address things and resolve them as a couple.

item 2 is mostly a moot point now because everyone is used to everyone else and understand personalities, boundaries and that reduces chances of miscommunications, misunderstandings, bruised feelings etc etc

but there, to me, that helped a lot.

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Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff

***U'd think both those rules were understood yet you see quite the contrary happening !

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Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff

I had serious problems with Item 1 from my wife side. She is SO close to her mom that chances of leak of Pakistan’s Atomic details is less than chances of leak of matter b/w us. She is trying to improve but have to cover a lot of ground or may be now she has learn to camouflage it better and I am thinking that she is learning :smack:

I had to work overtime in early days to keep the problem in control. You can guess

my wife >> tells >>> her mom >> tells >>> my mom >>>>litroll me >>>> “so now I will come to know things from XXX 's mom”

and women’s being “halkee pait” does not help either !

Dekh lo aawaaz de kar
4

Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff

I think it depends on the wife, and mine is very mature when it comes to this stuff. saw same stuff as me, and agreed, that its not just ppl with axes to grind who cause issues but well wishing people whose interfeence complicates things, plus one person knows u had a fight on something, they tell 2 others they tell 4 others and before you know it the entire tribe/clan/ is involved or talking about it.

we avoided it and that helped us a lot.

sheyn- when ppl realize that their life first and foremost is now with the spouse they will get it and do it right

s far as item 2, i forgot to note that it applied to begum also, i..e she has issues with my mum, dad, sis anyone...to let me know and I will manage it. but engaging them directly especially early on may impact my ability to manage stuff. these initial days, weeks, months are very critical and set the tone... first impressions are not last impressions and are lasting impressions. I was willing to trade closeness for development of better understanding, and it worked.

The end result is that when either my mum or dad think I am not being nice to her, I get called in their room and given a dressing down. yes they are that close now.

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Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff

Ur cool X2 !! Well done to you guys :k:

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Therein lies the crux of the issue......Realization for some comes too late and others not at all.

I'm not trying to sound pessimistic but I find it hard to understand that such a simple gameplan that one would think is a given , yet eludes so many !

U'd think it was understood that marriage is about being on the same team and working towards a mutual goal ....

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Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff

desi style- ur my hero :k:

mujhko rota dekh kar kyon pareshaan hai..?
8

mind talking to my husband and knocking some sense into him...?

Dekh lo aawaaz de kar
9

i had the same conversation with hubby when we married, and have to say it has worked well, however every now and then i sneak a few details to a cousin ;)

mujhko rota dekh kar kyon pareshaan hai..?
10

Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff

x2, u should write a book "zindagi samjhanay k 420 nuqaat"

11

I dont know if the realization is not there or ability to manage expectations is not there.
how many people ..guys or girls can tell an elder who wants to talk about their spouse to let it be and for let someone manage his/her own life.

and elders have to be more sensitive and understanding, I salute my mum for not falling for the typical stuff from aunty jis to gossip. not only would my mum not entertain any sort of leading questions about my married life or about my wife, but would shut someone up if they were getting too much...which was amazing since my mum is a very non confrontational type of person.

yeah the need to vent is there sometimes, but be careful who u vent to, and what you say, u dont vent to enemies but friends, so how does it get out? catch my drift there..whats the saying wise enemies are better than foolish friends

12

in my experience, unsolicited advise from strangers especially about personal life does not work most of the time.

a little to someone trustworthy with good judgement is fine but I have sene cases where girls badmouth or complain abit hubby ti mums, and mata jis then give their SIL a bad name by complaining in front of all kinds of ppl.

i would but.. I am lazy, plus one size fits all advise is destined to fail. plus what I write is common sense and obvious stuff, it will be like writing a book with sun is hot, water is wet, type of chapters

marta nahi koi kisi k begair
13

Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff

I've seen a very close family member's marriage fell apart because the rule number 1 was not obeyed at all. Both lady and the guy ... it was almost like their duty to update their repserctive mothers of what happened since the last update. Result was, both mothers started pressuirng their kid to go for a divorce, and divorce happened.

Niks and I also follow rule number 1.

Rule number 2 .. well, no one talks cause we dont give them any info to talk about .. :D

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Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff

I dont disagree with this advice, but in some cases the interference of elders' can be a lifesaver. Not constant interference but when both parties agree to it.

Dekh lo aawaaz de kar
15

Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff

for rule #2 its not that u give them something to talk about but if they have an issue or advise..

e.g. my mum did not like short sleeve dresses, but per our agreement she did not go to begum to tell her, she mentioned it to me that its not kosher culturally and she is just telling me as an elder and she does not want to interfere but is giving advise just like she gives to my sis. Now I am sure had she said that to begum, well intentioned as she was in her view, begums may be thinking why are you lecturing me or cant I make my own decisions...simple stuff but how ppl react to it can make it bigger, and if based on the conversation there were expectatiosn from my mum that my wife will stop wearing short sleeves and not seeing that happen would make her feel disrespected, or my wife would be upset that she is being forced to do soemthing..

now i dont know if that would have happened, both are mature women and more than likely that is not where it would have headed, but why take a chance

so when my mum said that, I told her that look, she understands modesty and will not be dressing in some hoochie mama outfit, but some of what she wears is norm, it may be a bit modern for your tastes, but let it go and I understand your advise about modesty etc and will talk about it how I want to when i want to etc if and when i feel it is not acceptable but I am fine with her choices and understand and respect your views and will let her know, and let me know if this is an issue for specific groups or ppl we may be seeing who are more conservative and in those cases we will plan accordingly. that was it.

maybe I overdid it, but saw way way too many bruised egos, hurt feelings and all in initial days of marriage on small stuff.

adalat husun ki hogi
16

english oye :smilestar:

17

You know very well, people can talk even without knowing anything. THey talk BECAUSE they think they knwo you or your life oh so well.

Toh kya maine farsi boli? :konfused:

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Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff

no i was just showing u and i said the same thing.

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Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff

Yes but i have to butt in and say things.

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Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff

See, I am sure that even X2 cannot stop his family if they decide not to follow the rule number 2, but as long as they dont bring it up to X2 as a concern, its fine. You dont know what people say about you behind your back. I dont mind if my mom says something t o my sis about my wife (not that they do) .. cause maybe one of these days I said something to my wife about my mom too (not that I did :D)