Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
if they had decided not to follow sure, but then it would not have been due to not knowing my views on that topic but due to not respecting them, and that would have resulted in a nice chat :)
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
Good job, X2
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
It took me about a year to enforce both items 1 and 2 (with a lot of curses from both sides) but am happy that i did not budge and now both families praise me for managing my family affairs on my own. Compared to my brothers and my wifes siblings, where others have to step in.
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
One point I would like to raise here is that in Desi family setup we are baked in a way to always stay dependent on our parents . Later in our life this dependence is not that much financially but emotionally we always stay there . This need for emotional support make us vulnerable to outside interference by other family members . Similarly we also stay in a habit of getting approval for any small thing we do from our parents and family . Ultimately we start sharing a lot .
I think solution can only come from the couple by breaking their habit of staying dependent on their parents .
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
X2, thats brilliant brilliant advise actually … My husband and I set those two rules from day one too … they have definitely shown great results so far 
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
I think it is perfectly legitimate to talk to family about your problems.
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
^ you are not married, are you? trust me, you'll change your mind once you are. its a hindrance more than a help.
some good insight here.
^ you are not married, are you? trust me, you'll change your mind once you are. its a hindrance more than a help.
some good insight here.
well each person has different nature and in some cases, I have seen people working out by talking within the family often. Its just the matter of getting what is going to work for you and sticking to it. Its not HARD AND FAST rule to not-talk to family.
I know few couples who are mashallah living very happy life and in them, husband's kicker is that "ok, you have problem with my ammi or if she has problem with you, talk to each other RIGHT AWAY, dont let the snowball effect come into play...."
both approaches have advantages and shortcomings, its just the matter of figuring out which one works better for you...
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
excellent points X2 BUT i think these are only applicable when living without inlaws, no? In a joint family system (and sometimes when not), everyone lives in such close proximity, ai would be surprised to see if issues dont leak out. What should couples do then? Talk/fight/argue in hushed voices?
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
Ira
I have had my parents stay with us for extended periods as well my inlaws. Approach works fine, that's where point #2 comes in play. Let us deal with our own issues and if u have advise then give it to your son/daughter.
And yes we try to make it a point to discuss any issues in private, even if it is asking each other to step aside for a second.
Ppl may know that we had a disagreement or argument but they know we don't want them to step in so they don't.
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
I agree - it's a little tougher to enforce rule#2 when parents are around in the same house.
One way or the other - they will say or voice their opinions.
Njgal - How about being creative. If the inlaws are going to stay with you, how about buying a place where they occupy mostly the top floor? Or how about buying two separate condos next to eachother? Problems can be minimized if everyone has their own space.
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
Situation husband talks to wife about point1 (and I'm sure 99% of the time it is always the husband who will bring up point 1) what happens if wife is not happy with her husband say he has a bad habit e.g. he drinks alcohol. She cant talk to anyone else about it then what is she to do.
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
CE - I'll take your example. If drinking alcohol is a major deal for the wife and if the guy hid it from her before the marriage, then she has been decieved and can ask for a khula based on that. If she knew that he drank and thought that he'll change after marriage, then she has to live with it unless it is adversely affecting her life. Is he neglecting his duties? Is he being abusive? Is he putting the family's life in danger by driving drunk? If that is the case then both set of parents must be involved to resolve the issue.
Njgal - How about being creative. If the inlaws are going to stay with you, how about buying a place where they occupy mostly the top floor? Or how about buying two separate condos next to eachother? Problems can be minimized if everyone has their own space.
Stork - you are right. Space helps. Plus I don't mind sharing space.
My point is you are bound to hear opinions about your lifestyle choices. I think you have to mature enough to hear them, evaluate them and decide whether you want to act on them.
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
damn intersting thread learning something here it come handy when am married 1 day
Re: another guys perspective on married life and managing family stuff
I guess it becomes an issue when between you the way the wife behaves, dresses etc is not in disagreement but when a third party comes along and says 'why does she wear short sleeves or not do hijab' and then the hubby acts on this criticism and starts pressurising the wife to change her ways to please other people. I've seen this happen with a friend of mine and particularly in the 'live in' system. The guy seems fairly rational and they have a great relationship - but his family have a way of planting a seed in his head and allowing it to cause problems in the marriage.
number 1 is something me and hubby have always observed and upheld from the start but without it being agreed. i just know he'd hate it if i discussed our issues with anyone else and he's just not the kind of guy who would do this anyway, so we're good! number 2, no one has ever (as of yet touch wood lol)made any complaints about me to him, or if they have,he's never told me lol. and its the same for me too about him.
i an see though itd be hard for someone to avoid discussing issues with say, their mum or sister if they were extremely close to them and used to discussing stuff,i guess its just about readjustment. i think the only time issues should be aired with other people is if you need another perspective,some strong advice or feel like the issue isnt being resolved and cant cope with it.