I recently got a new job that I really like and am really enjoying. But there is just this one woman in the office who is a total b****!
Every conversation I have, she butts in. Every comment I make, she either turns into a negative or takes the piss out of it. She goes out of her way to exclude me from her little friend group at work (I could care less, but she makes it obvious in the office which can be embarrassing). She will purposely be nice to, by asking if I'm OK or need any help in front our manager (yes, we share a manager so that makes it much worse because I can't even avoid her) but if we are alone she will ignore me. She also is so loud and so controlling of the conversations at work, she will purposely cut me off, or if she sees me talking to someone she will actively try and stop it.
The thing is, it sounds like I might be timid and weak, but I'm literally the opposite. My issue is I am super new (2 months) and don't want to cause any ripples by acting up or telling her to stfu like I want to. So thus far, I have just taken it.
Today I got super (well, still am) annoyed because - and this is the dumbest problem ever - a large Christmas gift came into the office and I got super excited to open it. She and her girl gang laughed their heads off but as soon as it was open they were all over it. So I jokingly said well I can't believe you guys took the piss out of me and now look at you. They all kinda ignored it (I think they got shook tbh) and this one made a condescending comment to make me look stupid and as if I was being extremely rude.
I don't know - maybe it sounds stupid but for all of you working in an office with other people you know how hard it is when there is one person who makes it their life mission to purposely make you feel excluded and unworthy.
I don't know how to handle this going further. Once I pass my probation, I honestly wanna tell her to F*** off, but I obviously can't.
If she ignores you when you’re alone with her, I would welcome the peace and quiet. The less she has to say to you, the better. That way you can focus more on your duties and get more done. Your “worth” in the workplace is not determined by this woman; it’s determined by your level of productivity.
If she excludes you from her group meetings, let her. Do something else with your time; get more things accomplished. If someone is hurting your reputation (with their words)…then you can fight back by contradicting their words with your actions. You show everyone the best side of you, you take the higher road, and by doing so you will create a difference between yourself and her…that won’t go unnoticed. If you can keep a visual record (emails, etc) of her inconsistencies, they can be used as evidence later on if need be. I understand that it’s very frustrating because I went through a nightmare at my job and I did the same things I have suggested to you. I figured out soon enough that my ornery teammates were the kind of women that were not moved by kindness, nor were they humbled by assertiveness. They would not budge because they were blinded by some kind of bias I could not understand. I couldn’t control them and so I channeled all my energy into my work. I pushed myself and got more done and in the end my data results outnumbered their’s…and that’s where the biggest hit lies …(in productivity)…not in the petty dramas. Things were so bad that I made dua for not only insaaf but success as well and Alhumdolillah both came true. Let this woman exert all her energy in these petty games, while you put your energy into your work. It does sound like she might be insecure/jealous of you, so recite your 3 Quls/Aytul Kursi for protection. Combine dua with effort.
If you get annoyed then she has power over you, I mostly ignore negative people as they don’t hold any relevance in my life. If you show them you are not bothered by their negativity they will leave you alone.
Thank you for that Redvelvet. I absolutely agree with you…it is just so hard. Unfortunately I let her get to me today…she asked all her friends and others in the office out to lunch and once they had their coats on and feet out of the door she asked me as an afterthought if I wanted anything…like why bother at all!!! I should have just gone because everyone realised I was a little miffed today and kept trying to ask me/talk to me afterwards.
It is just so frustrating…but I do think she is jealous due to my personality (looks wise she is pretty and all), I am quite fun and social so a lot of people get put off by that - especially if that is usually their role. Personally, I would prefer if we could all joke together but the vibe she gives off is that that is not what she wants at all.
I am going to focus inshallah on just working hard and proving myself through my work, but as she is my senior it is hard. She is also best friends with my manager…so that makes it harder. My manager is a gem, and does insist I can be open and honest but how can I be so open and so honest about how much her bum chum is grinding my gears? Maybe earn that right in her eyes first? What do you think?
That is true to some extent but, not to generalise, some people (especially women) can never just ‘leave you alone’. She is one of those types. Kisi ki phoopoo hoogi. Lol.
If you keep ignoring and tolerating demeaning behavior from others, it?s bound to get worse. It is human nature to test waters and push others to see how far they can go.
First off, put her on ignore through your body language (e.g no smiles at her, no greetings). This will give her the hint that you are familiar of her attitude towards you and that you’re not obligated to be nice to her.
Goal is to exclude her and her negative behavior and build a good impression of you on everyone else. Build a strong rapport with all other employees except her. This means, talk to other coworkers (X) in a friendly manner, laugh at their jokes or even pass compliments if you must. If she butts in, don’t acknowledge her. If you maintain your not-affected-by-your-bs demeanor it will certainly get to her. Do not feel awkward and maintain your conversation and if she gets annoying, give a rolling eye smile and end your conversation with X on a pleasant note. When everybody starts liking you, she?ll be left with no choice but to be nice to you.
If she says belittling things to you in person, you don’t have to necessarily respond to her in frustration or backtalk. Control your irritation and simply ask her “what was that, again” or “I don’t understand what you meant by that, please elaborate” or “excuse me, what?” hence giving her the chance to FIX her BS comment. Make her aware that you just recognized what she’s striving for via your shifting eyebrows, slightly rolling eyes and half-sarcastic, subtle smiles. Body language is a language all in itself and no one can quote you on it.
By getting annoyed at the gift opening situation, you gave her the opportunity to gossip about you and have everyone believe she’s right about you. Feel free to be confrontational once you’ve settled in your job, not yet. If she fakes being nice to you when manager is around, do the same.
You have rightly assessed that it?s not the right time to tell her off. One thing you could do is to ask her for help, some people want to be important, give it to them. They will mellow down. Once you have established your self…payback time .
There are ways of being assertive without being offending or aggressive or being defensive or matching their pettiness. The way I teach this stuff is you tell the person what they did, tell them how it made you feel and tell them what you expect to chang e without getting confrontational.
Have the conversation in private..Like hey Sheila do you think we can chat in private…tell them some good about them, ask them questions like, I could be mistaken but I feel you don’t like me much and are trying to make me feel bad? Is there something I can do or improve on, for you to stop treating me with disrespect as I really like to be a good team player and I really like this job.
what is your relative hierarchy? is she senior to you or junior? does she have anything to do directly with her? Will you need her cooperation in future?.. weighing these things…just give her a short worded shut up call if she talks too much…
You mentioned she is your senior and is also a good friend of your manager. That could develop into a tough situation. She may create circumstances where you will not be able to perform and hence get fired for incompetence. So if you feel heading in that direction, then immediately talk with the supervisor of the manager or someone further up the hierarchy. Explain the situation to the big boss with exact dates/times and names of witnesses. But if you are able to perform your duties without getting bothered too much, then no need to take such a drastic step as this could seriously backfire.
I had a similar situation in a new job. The senior guy there was also a trusted lieutenant of my manager and hated me from the very day of the interview and didn?t hide his feelings very well. I later found out that he had long pushed for someone else to be hired in that position. So he had to prove that I was the wrong choice all along. As soon as I started, the senior guy volunteered to become my mentor. Then he started giving me vague and misleading guidance with crazy deadlines. I was on visa so I was in no position to quit. I was spinning wheels and achieving nothing. Meanwhile, he kept telling the manager how I was not taking the job seriously, etc. Soon enough I realized that if I wasted any more time, no one will believe me and say Im finding excuses for not making adequate progress. Then I complained to the big boss` with dates/times/names of witnesses. It was a double-edged sword but that was my only chance to save my job. And it worked ! I got another mentor and things improved dramatically.
I’ve been in this situation a few times. It’s basically harassment/bullying in the workplace. As you said, you have options that you can take up and I suggest you nip this in the bud now rather than the problem getting worse. I’ve started new jobs like my current one which I’ve had similiar issues with colleagues who seemed to think they could mock me and belittle me in front of other colleagues but act all nice around higher management. I don’t really wanna go into details so publically about the issues I had but they were similiar and some very serious.
There’s probably 3 ways in which I believe you can deal with this.
Just continue doing what you’re doing. Just ignore them and hope that eventually it’ll just go away and that things will get better.
Take her to the side and have a conversation with her about how you feel she is treating you and if she has a problem with you.
If you have a HR department. Go through the grievance procedure against all people concerned. Outline when and what has occured and how it is making you feel. If you can supply some proof that would make your case even stronger or if you have a witness to how you’re being treated.
I wouldn’t worry that you’ve only been there for a short period of time and that you don’t wanna make waves but nobody should be treated like this in their workplace. I agree with what some of @decentGuy has said but it’s hard to fire someone for performance unless they can proof you’re under performing below everyone else in the same position as you, especially after you’ve just made a complaint for harassment it’ll look worse on their part. One of the complaints I put in about someone in a higher position than me, they got fired as I had a witness to their harassment. As said above, I would probably go above all your local management and make a grievance just to cover your own back just in case she tried to run you down later. I’ve had management come out all guns firing for me to find a way to get rid of me, and some have tried pretty much everything yet still failed and it’s funny how shook they get when you put in one grievance against them. It’s like they are surprised that you’d ever do that but they don’t see anything wrong in their treatment towards you.
Girl, you’re dealing with a bunch if not only jealous but very clever people. The girl sounds like a toxic person who can make the most positive of people feel miserable & your way of describing your situation sure seems like she’s made you feel quite miserable already. It’s never a good idea to spend more time around toxic people than you can handle. It may cost you your sanity. 8 hours is more than half the waking time. So if you do not desperately need this job, better find a new one with better environment but thats no guarantee new workplace wouldn’t be surrounded by similar toxic people.
The way she pretends to be all nice, helpful, supportive of new staff but the opposite behind boss’s back proves she wears a mask & extremely clever to hide behind it. Observe carefully if boss has any sense & understands her duel personality or is blind to that. If he knows then it will be better to bring your issue to his notice even if subtly, indirectly. And make them aware if you’re trying to get along with her BS doesn’t mean you’re weak. It will be best to somehow ensure that your boss is aware of this all. And be sure that toxic people are the same way with every one so I’m sure it’s not just you. Yeah she could be more jealous of you fearing that the boss might want to train you to replace her (that incase she knows the boss is aware of her toxic nature). Or it could be anything else about your personality that she is highly jealous of. Or sometimes, such people get jealous with lucky people. I mean, people who do not have any special skills, talent, looks or personality but they’re just lucky & seem to have an easy life… silver spoon fed kinda thing. So toxic people hate such lucky people for no reason & try their best to hurt, damage or destroy them just to feel better. DecentGuy has some nice advice. Myself, am extremely bad at dealing with office or any kind of politics so I don’t work. Maybe this is also an opportunity for you to learn office politics & equip yourself for future. Just try not to become toxic yourself on the way.
^In my experience I have found that such ?clever? people are really not all that clever. The only thing they have on their side is time. I once heard that when we do something wrong, a lock is placed on our aqal, and then we can?t clearly see where we have made mistakes. Kind of like the criminal who is under the khush fahmu that he has gotten away with the crime, but ends up getting caught because of some clue or the other that he left behind. There was a lock placed on his aqal and so he was unable to see the mistakes which would eventually lead to his capture and downfall. The onlything he has on his side are a few numbered days before it?s over.
This ?clever? woman who dons the mask of a very caring coworker in front of the boss has failed to realize that she shows her ?real face? to her other coworkers. So, while the boss may nit (for the time being) know her true colors, the rest of the staff sees them clearly enough. And one day someone from the staff will report her. So the only thing this woman has on her side is numbered days.
Another thing I have seen is that when 2 chalak people become ?friends? with one another, their friendship is usually not a sincere one though outwardly it may appear otherwise. It?s only a matter of time before someone betrays or backstabs the other.
The people at my job who have the worst attitudes (rude, unapproachable, jerk-like, arrogant)…are not well-liked by others. Other people DO see their faults; they?re not oblivious to them.
@Beeba123 Hey! were you able to resolve this conflict? If so, what route did you take? My bro is going through a similar situation at his workplace and my advice to him was to take it to HR and take steps to build a communication bridge with the direct manager. Apparently, bro wasn’t the only target of the office bully. Someone made a complaint to HR and bully was peeved. We’ll see what rolls on next.
