So as per Islamic teachings a wife is to give utmost obedience to her husband. While a husband has been asked to look after the wife and be as caring and loving as possible.
In an ideal scenario that is what helps a relationship a lot. But given the desi mindset , where mothers and sisters of men start using them to control the bhabi / DIL , how much of obedience would you give to the husband, to manage the situation?
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A lot of people will have a problem with the term 'obedient'.
Please explain what do you mean by that here, so that appropriate response can be given.
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Fix him a nice dinner, do a quickie, don't talk back
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Excellent topic CB - I always struggle with this as the Quran clearly states in Sura Nisa: “Men are guardians over women because Allah has made some of them excel others, and because they (men) spend of their wealth. So virtuous women are those who are obedient, and guard the secrets of their husbands with Allah’s protection.”
There’s no two ways about it. I just think in a healthy relationship ‘obedience’ shouldn’t have to be an issue, or in other words, the husband shouldn’t go around saying MERA HUKAM MANNO BIWI!! It just HAPPENS…
But yes, the MIL and nand for example definitely take advantage of that, and often ‘whisper’ suggestions in the son’s ear for certain things. I think it’s a really delicate relationship to balance, and ultimately, (and rather unfortunately) the wife has to make most of the sacrifices early on in the relationship.
I have been told by others that there is a silver lining, and that if you ‘bend’ so to speak to make your husband happy in the immediate future, the leverage of the extended family becomes less and less, so that with time your husband no longer listens to the ‘whisperings’ of his family and both husband and wife become as one. Still waiting for that to happen… :halo:
I think the ‘obedient’ part refers to religious obedience. Not ordering your wife to do your chores…the Prophet never ordered his wives around like slaves for him. I’m sure the Pakistani maulvi’s would disagree…but u know.
http://www.onislam.net/english/ask-the-scholar/family/marital-relationships/174940.html
There’s a link.
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^^^ I don't think it's specific to religion. I think it's generally everything... but you have to remember the woman has rights over the man, and as CB states the husband therefore has to look after the wife. Part of that means keeping her happy. So if he goes around ordering her to do chores, Islamically she has to listen, but she's not gonna be happy, and he's not gonna be fulfilling HIS duty towards her.
I think things go wrong when people start taking things literally and to the letter: as soon as a husband OR wife starts saying mera haq banta hai... or something, well, that's not going to be conducive towards a healthy relationship is it?
Also...yes, for your marriage you should learn compromise...but that has to come from both parties otherwise no matter how much change happens 15 yrs down the line...u will still feel a lot of bitterness and negativity. I hate when everyone tells me women need to compromise - no, both parties need to compromise. The reason this thinking doesn't prevail is cos 80% of Pakistani women (born there, raised there, living there) will automatically answer that men are simply not capable of compromise - they accept a fate determined by society and culture when Islam gives them such a clear answer on it. If your husband is unjust...he needs to answer for it. There is a saying by Hazrat Ali (RA)...and it says something like...those who cannot fight for their rights (haq), do not deserve them. I don't know the exact words...but it goes along those lines...that we should fight for our right, no matter who we are. And this does not mean ask for a divorce.
Until we step away from the messed up cultural and societal crap that Pakistan has invented we will never move forward...Islam is so simple and straightforward.....anyhow. Rant over.. i just felt like saying that.
If you are in a healthy relationship, doing things for your spouse is done out of love and courtesy, IMO. It’s automatic… The problem with the term ‘obedient wife’ is that it is automatically and only seen as obedience in wordly matters - cook for me, clean for me, sleep with me. When have you heard abt a man using ‘obedient wife’ to refer to praying namaz or fasting or whatever? Generally when there’s a problem (that i’ve seen/heard of)…it’s blamed on the wife not being ‘obedient’…men and i’d say Pakistanis overall need to see the difference between doing something for someone out of love, cos it makes them happy…and treating your wife as your personal maid/homecare-for-elderly–parents service.
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My sticky idea seems to have something in it.
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Why does our society never talks about Islam that tells about how a wife has duties only concerning her husband and not his parents? If she is serving his parents she will be rewarded for that but its not her 'duty'. Similarly, there's no concept of joint family system in islam. Unfortunately, in our society obedience of the wife has been manipulated so much. Personally, I obey my hubby almost 100 percent of the times cuz he never demands anything unreasonable. But as a dil I have to do stuff that's got more to do with the society's standards of a good bahu than our religion.
It's not Pakistani-bashing...it's messed-up-culture bashing. What's wrong is wrong. Labeling it as 'haters' or 'bashing' doesn't change the fact that we follow extremely twisted versions of Islam...which we also claim is the basis for our nation. Nonsensical.
But given the desi mindset , where mothers and sisters of men start using them to control the bhabi / DIL
Replace men with overgrown boys and the sentence is correct. Many 'men' don't know how to be a 'man'
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So as per Islamic teachings a wife is to give utmost obedience to her husband. While a husband has been asked to look after the wife and be as caring and loving as possible.
In an ideal scenario that is what helps a relationship a lot. But given the desi mindset , where mothers and sisters of men start using them to control the bhabi / DIL , how much of obedience would you give to the husband, to manage the situation?
I don't know if there's an answer to this.
To a certain extent it has to do with faith...how much faith do you have in your spouse? I am not married so cannot say for certain but what I learned from my past experience is that MIL and SIL feel extremely threatened by the woman in their son/brother's life. They have had his attention and care for so long it seems like they might lose it to someone else. In case, that never happened as at that point I was oblivious.
He feels obligated to his family because he's married now and needs to compensate for some odd reason - guilt makes a man do things he'd not normally do.
How much do you obey or listen is hard to say...very hard.
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^^So true. My mom and sister feel very threatened. lol. Like Mere bachae ka khayal nahi rakhtii. lol. I know my wife does and sometimes goes out of her way to accomodate me. Of course mom doesn't know that so i let mom say whatever. But i do tell her, she is the best that ever happened to me.
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Also...yes, for your marriage** you should learn compromise...but that has to come from both parties** otherwise no matter how much change happens 15 yrs down the line...u will still feel a lot of bitterness and negativity.** I hate when everyone tells me women need to compromise - no, both parties need to compromise**. The reason this thinking doesn't prevail is cos 80% of Pakistani women (born there, raised there, living there) will automatically answer that men are simply not capable of compromise - they accept a fate determined by society and culture when Islam gives them such a clear answer on it. If your husband is unjust...he needs to answer for it. There is a saying by Hazrat Ali (RA)...and it says something like...those who cannot fight for their rights (haq), do not deserve them. I don't know the exact words...but it goes along those lines...that we should fight for our right, no matter who we are. And this does not mean ask for a divorce.
Until we step away from the messed up cultural and societal crap that Pakistan has invented we will never move forward...Islam is so simple and straightforward.....anyhow. Rant over.. i just felt like saying that.
Completely agree. In a marriage two people come together from different backgrounds, and unless BOTH make compromises and adapt to each other's habits, that marriage won't be successful. But one thing I've learnt is that it just so happens that due to the influence the MIL and SIL have on the husband, the wife generally tends to make more sacrifices in the beginning. I think the change in the husband slowly happens with time and often without him realising it. Although I've heard that you can't change a man... lol don't have enough experience yet to know if that's true!
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In a marriage, it's all about the two people. How they communicate, understand and compromise. But most importantly how they handle all the other relationships as a couple. I've seen plenty of guys feeling lost between mother-wife-sister. Plenty of sisters who feel threaten by a new woman in their brother's life and the same goes for insecure wives who cannot look beyond their own nose-tip and have zero tolerance for a good brother-sister relationship because obviously any other woman in his life is filling their husband's ears against them.
Having said that - often times it all comes down to the ego. The ego of the wife and the ego of the husband. If there's even one milligram of ego going on in a relationship, something is bound to go wrong IMO. You need to kill the ego before anything - much easier said than done but trust me when it's done - You both will be so much happier. Once you've done a good job on the ego there will be no need to pull out every reference from Quran and Hadith to prove your point to your spouse, the obedient part will come naturally from both sides. Because let's just face it. Islam is not a black-white religion when it comes to relationships. Every relationship of yours have some 'haq' on you (or duty towards them from your side).
I guess that's just my two cents.
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im not a very obedient person
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So as per Islamic teachings a wife is to give utmost obedience to her husband. While a husband has been asked to look after the wife *and be as caring and loving as possible. *
?
I can't answer the question because I don't have the marital experience. I don't think anyone can give you a number or percentage that represents their level of obedience or compromise. So, I'm just going to share a thought that occurred to me for the first time when I read the beginning of your post. Obedience entails compromise and surrender. If men are supposed to be "loving and caring"...then these two adjectives also entail compromise and surrender. When you love/care for someone, you naturally compromise and sometimes surrender for them. In religious references I've often read the word "mercy" used for the feeling in the hearts between both husband and wife and this "mutual" mercy entails compassion, compromise, surrender. The actions we associate with obedience are for both partners, the degree of it might vary, but it's there for both of them....it's not mean just for the wife. Lol, maybe I've stated what is an obvious to others...but it's the first time I've thought about the wording this way.
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Of course comprmoise shompromise are for losers khatam karro gori ki tarha azaad raho khush raho..
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In a marriage, it's all about the two people. How they communicate, understand and compromise. But most importantly how they handle all the other relationships as a couple. I've seen plenty of guys feeling lost between mother-wife-sister. Plenty of sisters who feel threaten by a new woman in their brother's life and the same goes for insecure wives who cannot look beyond their own nose-tip and have zero tolerance for a good brother-sister relationship because obviously any other woman in his life is filling their husband's ears against them.
Having said that - often times it all comes down to the ego.** The ego of the wife and the ego of the husband.** If there's even one milligram of ego going on in a relationship, something is bound to go wrong IMO. You need to kill the ego before anything - much easier said than done but trust me when it's done - You both will be so much happier. Once you've done a good job on the ego there will be no need to pull out every reference from Quran and Hadith to prove your point to your spouse, the obedient part will come naturally from both sides. Because let's just face it. Islam is not a black-white religion when it comes to relationships. Every relationship of yours have some 'haq' on you (or duty towards them from your side).
I guess that's just my two cents.
Totally agree with this. Its so not easy to do though...and no guarantee that the opposing party will even appreciate your sacrifices.
At the end of the day, I believe a woman needs to be strong and independent. That is the only way she can be respected and taken seriously. Be good to your husband...but in order for him to be good to you...he needs to know that you won't die without him.
I say this because I know women who have become completely selfless but have gotten nothing in return.