Now this is an actual real issue. Not the made up stuff I post.
Situation: Guy hitting on female friend. She discussed the issue with me and one or two others and we basically said it was a bad idea. The guy is 40 years old 11 years her senior, white European male. She is 28 Asian and very sweet. The type of girl who is serious about any guy she sees and doesn’t cheat.
Now originally she was hesitant on the idea and me and our Russian friend said it was a bad idea. We are guys. We know exactly why a 40 year old single (never married) European man looks for a much younger simpler Asian girl. Any guy knows what I am getting at. Anyway we didn’t say it in as much words.
A few months later she told me see was seeing him and wanted to know what I think. She said she wanted my okay. Which I obviously said was not needed. It was her life and as her friend I will support whatever decision she made and i would back her on anything she does short of going Lorena Bobbit on a guy. Then I made a few cradle robbing jokes to get it out of my system.
While I am truly fine with her dating the guy, I am concerned that she may get hurt. She has a horrible track record with guys and dating a guy 11 years older than her (practically another generation) is gonna be difficult. She has survived a lot in her life, more than any 20 something year old should have to deal with. She is weak, fragile and yet she is very very mentally strong willed. I think the ladies will understand what that means.
I will be in Geneva this year and she wants me to meet him. The conundrum I have is do I have a guy to guy talk with him or let it be. I am always hesitant when jumping in such issues. The concern I have is that he is using her, and more importantly she is settling for him. She can do much better and the past 3 years have been tough on her and she truly believe she thinks of this as her one chance to find a true life partner. No matter what I have said to her and what others have said has convinced her otherwise.
Your heart [seems to be] in the right place…but she’s a 28 year old woman… i don’t think she needs protecting, and i certainly don’t think you need to give the fella the “mano a mano” talk…
You've given her your take on the situation - told her your concerns about the older guy, but it was her decision to pursue the relationship. She is the best judge of what makes her happy. I wouldn't talk to the guy beyond making him aware that she has a network of friends who care for her and want her happiness and who are there to support her.
After that, the only left to do is to be that supportive friend, no matter how things fall with the guy she's dating - be there for her.
She's mature enough to make her own decisions and she has, she didn't even really wait for your 'okay' or approval before going ahead with it. She wants to be with him. Not all 40+ men are 'tharki' buddha's.. sure there are some.
Interfering in her life, may cost you your friendship with her.. and I don't think any girl appreciate's any male friend interfering in her relationship. Plus, how can you be so sure the guy is playing with her? Perhaps he really is serious. Let her be..
Why am I not with her? She dated a very good friend of mine for a good 5 years. I have known her since she was 17. Its kinda past the mark for me to even consider her in that light.
So talking to the guy is not an issue to be concerned with. I was leaning in that direction. Perfect. Now for an awkward dinner or lunch.
She knows my views on the matter. It won't change. She knows we are there for her. But its kinda of those situations where you know something is going to go wrong and you are just waiting to see when it happens.
She knows my views on the matter. It won't change. She knows we are there for her. But its kinda of those situations where you know something is going to go wrong and you are just waiting to see when it happens.
One of my besties from gradeschool had a nightmare of a childhood. Every thing bad that could ever happen to someone happened to her. As a result she was emotionally very needy and not always a good judge of character. She hooked up with a guy in highshool and they got married in college. None of her friends liked her boyfriend/eventually husband. She was too good for him and he certainly didn't give the respect or consideration she deserved. Each of us, in our own way voiced our objections to the guy - told her why we didn't thnk it was going to work out. We all told her to date other guys and consider her other options. But she was in love (or maybe in love with love) and couldn't be convinced. So all of her friends learned to tolerate him even though we suspected the relationship might have a bad end.
They got married, had three kids. Each of their kids was a girl - and after every baby - he would say let's have another - next time, it'll be a boy.
Fast forward many years, and to make a long story short, he left her, left the kids, was a gambling addict who ended up bankrupting them. She is now a 31 year old divorcee mother of three.
As her friend, all I can do is continue to be her friend and to see her through her ups and downs. I couldn't make her choices for her when she was 5, 15 or 25 - so I'm not going to start now.
***I don't think her age should dictate that she is "mature" enough to be making the right decision and as a friend of long-standing it is understandable you have your hesitations and want to protect her .
I think even if you just had an "awkward" dinner , you would still feel on some level that you need to make sure this is really a good thing for her ( which u obviously do not think is) so as a friend you will still have that nagging needle of guilt for not having done anything more if this ended up hurting her.
Contrary to others advice I would think as a friend it is at some level your responsibilty to look out for her and check this guy's intentions out and satisfy yourself that he indeed is sincere with her. How you do that .......is your call.
If like others are saying , you've said what u've had to and if she doesn't want to listen its her problem then I personally think the so-called friendship isn't really a friendship but ratgher just a good "Acquaintance"..........I believe Friends should look out for their Friends........but that's just my opinion !
If like others are saying , you've said what u've had to and if she doesn't want to listen its her problem then I personally think the so-called friendship isn't really a friendship but ratgher just a good "Acquaintance"..........I believe Friends should look out for their Friends........but that's just my opinion !
This is very true ... which is why if things don't work out, you can drop the "i told you so attitude" (if it is there) and be there for her, regardless.
If age is the only thing you have against this guy CM...then dont say anything right now.
Meet him, get to know him a little bit and then judge. So far, in your posts it seems like the only negative quality in him is his age.
Someone who has been through as much as she has may be looking for a man who can take care of her, help her heal and make a smooth transition from one part of her life into another. He may be what she needs and is looking for. I would wait and see what happens.
That’s what a true gentlemen does. He doesn’t let a nice girl get abused by some jerk.
[/quote]
Women (and men) in love are often times blinded to the faults of their partner. It doesn’t matter that the friends around them are unanimous in their dislike of the partner and tell them they’re too good for the other person. So what does the friend do? You can risk losing an important friendship by continuing to be critical of the partner or you can back down, shut up and be supportive - no matter what happens.
Well I figured out my own solution from some of the comments presented. Instead of talking to the guy, i talk to the lass once again. Just as a concerned friend to see if she is indeed settling for the guy. If she is happy and this is truly what she wants then by all means I am here for the wedding and I have the embarrassing photos collect as well.
If she is not certain, well then its to remind her that she can do whatever she wants and I will support her but there are other fish in the sea and settling is not necessary.
She is a 28 year old woman mate, not a minor incapable of making her own decisions.
