Background:
Where to begin? You can say i might be an ABCD (American Born Confused Desi)…and 3-5 years ago, I would have agreed. I just turned 27 this year. Growing up the United States, and raised by two unhappily married pakistani parents in sub-tight knit community of Desi families… I can say I was disgusted with American Pakistani girls.
I don’t know at what point, but I am sure it was in High School, that I realized that I probably wouldn’t marry a Pakistani girl… If she was non-muslim I would ask her to convert, and even if she didn’t convert, the kids would be Muslim. Thats as far as I took this rational.
The problem that happens with Pakistani’s in America…the duality of the culture creates hypocrisy. I find that American Pakistani’s, are always flaunting their wealth and are very materialistic. We would go to these “family parties” - (social gatherings) of about a dozen to 16 families, and just all mingle. The girls would be with girls, the boys would be stroking their ego’s…showing off their clothes…usually wearing their best and newest stuff. It almost felt like if you weren’t competing stylistically, you were being judged by the guys. That’s a completely separate rant that I could go on about.
Interestingly enough, the materialism didn’t bother me as much as I realized that all the Pakistani girls were fake… and by fake i don’t mean fickle or artificial…but it felt like these parties were masquerades, where we all got together and “hid our american face” and pretended to be pakistani…like goody two shoes…and all perfect. The thing is, you cannot expose your duality to the group of people you mingle with, because you will get shamed and condemned to hell.
The thing is, I was smart enough to know it was an act…but at the same part I had to partake in the dance. I was definitely more the rebel…but how rebellious can you get? Not much at all…
This eventually deepened my internal rift with paki women.. because I no longer desired to be with one. I didn’t want a hypocritical girl…but at the same time… Now i realize its not the girls fault… she merely has to adapt…she is given no option but to take part in this masquerade.
That being said, later in my early 20’s i remember being in the car with my mother, and she mentioned that she was thinking about setting me up with one of my cousins in Pakistan… and I straight up told my mom… “EWW That’s gross MOM” - I AM NOT MARRYING my cousin!! That’s the atypical American attitude toward interfamily relations. My Mom shut up…and that was the end of that…
Fast forward to 25, I met my first ever Pakistani girlfriend online. She said she was 26, but lied about her age and turned out to be closer to 30. She was a doctor, but without residency…doing her exams. But it was utterly crazy… She was a nymphomaniac (sex 2-3 times a day everyday). She smoked pot with me, we would drink together…like I mean…it was CRAZY. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. She was a little chubby…you could say thick/big boned…a bigger girl…but not obese…but she was ALL WOMAN. She was Desi, and I realized how wrong I had been about paki girls… I always thought that Pakistani American girls were squares… goody two-shoes…but here I had found a girl that partook in all my sinful delights…It was amazing… I didn’t know such a girl could exist.
We were together 6 months… because we had the age disparity …and also because honestly… I was immature at 25… I didn’t respect the girl, and felt like I could do better… I.E. i could probably be with a hotter/better looking girl… And we also had some power struggle dynamics…she would try to manipulate me into doing things for her…and instead of getting the cues, I would resist and become more stubborn. i was being a frugal pakistani, but because she wanted me to spend more money on her, it fueled my frugalness. I guess she wanted to be spoiled (just a little bit, like not sugar daddy spoiled, but more like the little things) and i didn’t want someone to coerce me into getting them things.
When we broke up, she told me why. She told me I didn’t know how to treat a girl, etc etc etc. And that I would regret losing her…because she was a great loving, caring, and affectionate person. At that time…honestly I didn’t know what I had… but she was absolutely right.
After the Dr… I didn’t want a relationship…but also no quality girl was coming along… I had let myself slightly go.. I put on 10 pounds…
I changed. Money doesn’t matter to me anymore. I bought all the little things for any girl I went out with. Beer, drinks, food, movie tickets. It didn’t matter. I was just passing time, living life.
Fast forward to 2013. Now and today.
I’m no longer in America, I’m actually in a GCC country right now, In an Islamic country for more than half a year. I have been cannabis free since then, and also cut down my drinking dramatically. From drinking everyday (1-2 beers avg sometimes 3-4), I drink maybe like once a month. Usually 1-2 beers gets me that buzz that 3-4 beers took.
I haven’t had sex since i left the states, but the availability of “working girls” (hookers), or even the few girls i befriended here allow for sex to be in my reach… I just don’t want it… because…
I am in love…
It happened unexpectedly, but my cousin in Pakistan and I started talking. I haven’t really spoken to her in years. I knew of her existence, but a 12-13 hour time difference does make things a bit more difficult. Seeing how we were in the same time zone — pretty much her and I started chatting…chatting led to some flirting…but that was all it took.
See the thing is…
When i was 9, and she was 6… in Pakistan her and I kissed each other. We were little kids, and didn’t know any better… But you can call these semi-repressed childhood memories. Her and I have always had a thing for one another… the thing is…when i was a teenager, mid teens, and went back to Pakistan… I was ashamed of these actions… and I acted like they never happened. In fact I sort of pushed her away…not that she was forthcoming…we just pretended like it never happened nor discussed it. (I think these kind of behaviors are a lot more common in general, it’s just most people don’t admit to child intimate experiences).
Flash forward back to GCC in 2013. I’m talking to her on skype and this flirting… gets me thinking, maybe there is something there? Well its enough oil on the wick, and I book a ticket to Pakistan on impulse. It was like hitting a few birds with one stone. I really wanted to go see my cousin…to see if there was anything there…but I’d also be able to say, “it’s for the family, because I haven’t been to Pakistan in over a decade”.
We pretty much hit it off in less than 5 days of me being there. By the 10th day we are kissing, and just a hot mess…she asked me if I was a virgin… and I told her, straight up, I’m not… (she wasn’t surprised I wasn’t being in America and all) — she said she is. She’s saving it for her husband. Those words made me feel like a man whore… Instantly I just regretted sleeping with so many ****ing sluts.
I was there 2 months, and during that time. I fell hard…and when I say hard…I have never fell for a girl like that in my life. I feel like I love her because she is family… I feel like I would do her no wrong… I feel like if I **** up with her, it’s my neck in a noose… most of all i respect her…because she is part blood. Tru Blood 
Yet, all is not gold in paradise. The girl is 24, but acts like 16. She’s immature, extremely sheltered, has a princess complex, has been spoiled by her family, they have 2-3 servants…etc etc. She is materialistic, likes to shop, she is shy, semi-introverted…and seems to always be EMO (emotional). She has bipolar tendencies…she’ll love me during the day…and during the night…be like, “we can’t be together…this would never work… my dad would never approve of you”…etc etc… and then the next day she is completely fine. She doesn’t seem like the motivated career girl…but more like they stay at home and chill housewife. She has no kitchen skills either… not that – that is a deal breaker to me. Honestly she’s not even super model hot…but i’d say on the better side of average…but the heart is more than content with her looks. And my god…does she smell good… and her saliva tastes real good…like no repulsion at all… BUT…
Honestly ---- where I am emotionally at right now ---- I would never ever in my life settle, or allow myself to fall for a girl this flawed and such a mess…but for some reason…I don’t care how immature/sheltered/ or naive this girl is…I just want to be with her…I told her, “I want you to be the one I marry, and that’s it. I don’t want anyone else” … To this she would say “My father will never approve”.
I wanted to pluck her from the gardens in Pakistan and take her to America and just spoil her to death. Show her all the beauty of the world, travel with her…just show her what she’s missing in life. Expose her to what REAL good food taste like.
My sibling tells me, I need stop having a savior complex…because that’s what he thinks this is. Granted it is a component…but I genuinely think the repressed feelings have reemerged…and everything is added to this momentum.
All good things must come to an end…
As I departed Pakistan, while in the airport, i get an SMS from her, saying how she feels, as if “She has lost her love again” and that “the next time we may not be able to meet like this” but “that she cherished all the memories we made, and that she will remember me always”. When i read this, i was a little upset, because it sounded like a breakup…but it really wasn’t…but it sorta was. It was like a setup…i guess a backdoor to fall out of.
Anyways I have returned to the GCC… In the beginning it was really tough but I made some foolish decisions.
I told my mother that i loved my cousin, and then my aunt, and all my family in America got involved. They rushed the scene, and pretty much escalated the issue…they got on skype to discuss marriage dialogues and the girl pretty much panicked and pulled a 180… When my mother broached the subject of marriage with her, she replied, “Khala, mah toh ubee shadi nai karna chatiee, oh-ho! Shadi to museebat hoti hai… why would anyone want to get married?”
My mother left it at that, my cousin discussed it with me, and said, “My man, she was just playing you. I’m sorry you had to go through this, but its better to find out sooner than later and be strung along for the ride. Whatever you do, don’t call her, and just leave it be.”
I call her two hours later.
She was crying and tearing and all over the place.
“You made me do it. You put me in this corner and I had to make a decision and the answer was no. I told you, that when the time was right, we would discuss it with the elders on our own terms, BUT YOU!! You forced this on yourself…and there you have your answer. Manahi Nahi shadii karni…abb tum is baat koh bhool jao…n tum mujay beh bhool jao”
“Mah tumaay kasay bhool saktah hou? I love you. Tell me you don’t love me, and this was all a game” I muster to her.
---- Silence ----
She doesn’t say anything
I know she loves me. These repressed feelings…we love each other… we talk for about an hour. The first third of the conversation is her blaming me for forcing her into making a decision… the 2nd third is her, saying how we can’t be together…and me begging her not to let me go…and the final third is her giving me another chance…but this time it stays strictly between us.
Its been two months later, and this relationship has been the hardest long distance in my life (for starters i’m against long distance in general). I feel like this girl is fading me out…and that she doesn’t love me…
I feel like I am doing all the chasing. I’m always calling her…and often…when I do call her, if she’s busy, she’ll say, “I’ll call you back” but never does! She’s done the, “I’ll call you back” line at least 5-6 times, and hasn’t called back. When we do talk…i don’t know what to say…we never had a phone relationship when I was in Pak… we were more texters than anything…but not having texted her for 2 months…i feel like i dunno if we can start that back up… She doesn’t have a smart phone… so no viber, whats app, tango, or any of those VOIP things.
I feel like I’m losing her…and it hurts…because she’s all I think about…and the only one I want to be with…I dream about her…and they are sooo real…so lifelike…so simple… and non-sexual:
“I had another dream about you this morning. It was beautiful. It felt so real, It was in color. I dream in color. We were in your room, lying on your bed, and we were starring at each other face to face, and you asked me, “If I enjoyed your love bites and scratches”. I told you, I loved em. Then you remarked, “don’t you think we fight too much and wrestle” (something along those lines). And I said “Some playful wrestling and fighting is healthy…its cuz we love each other”… It was such a real dream… it felt like you were der with me… Since I’ve woken up… I couldn’t shake thoughts of you from my head… I am so in love with you. I almost feel like its an infatuation… an obsession … but it has to be more.. I don’t give myself away to just anyone. I have the utmost love for you. I feel as if you are pushing me away. I feel as if we are fading… I feel as if I am losing you… I feel as if my heart is splitting…I feel as if your half is just pulling away from mine… and I’m trying to hold this thing together…but I’m not getting any help from you… I’m not getting any help from my other half.”
I wrote that like 2 weeks ago…n when I say i don’t give myself away so easily…i don’t mean sexually XD… i mean emotionally vested / love.
I don’t know where things stand… but for now she is my girlfriend in this really weird long distance… we talk 2-4 times a week…and rarely facebook…and seldom skype.
I guess the only irony i find in this is that I read a thread here in which someone was complaining that they use to talk to their husband all the time before they got married in their LD…and now the husband rarely talks to her…and i have it exactly the opposite…
I hope I get to marry her…because I know I was a **** up then… but i’m pretty reformed now!
