I recently met a guy that is from Pakistan but went to undergrad/grad school in the US and has been here for over 12 years now. I am religious and so I do not think “dating” before marriage is okay. If you are going to talk to a man (we are both in our later 20’s) it is for a more than friend purpose that will lead to marriage. We have discussed marriage and he said he could see himself marrying me in a year or so… but we are still figuring all of this out. His parents now know about me. He is well educated, has a great job and we have the same beliefs in every area. His company is working on his green card right now, so I do not believe that there is an underlying reason for him wanting to be with me. Our differences lie in our cultural backgrounds - I was born and raised in America. I am Arab-Muslim but he says I am more white than anything haha. I want to know if the cultural/family issues will be a big deal? He says that his parents will respect his decision so long as I am Muslim and willing to learn some of the cultural things that he enjoys. I am willing to do this as I do believe I might be in love with him. He is also going back to Pakistan for possibly a few months soon, and had we not met he knows that his parents wanted him to meet someone to marry while he is there. Should I be worried that he might meet someone anyway and get married while he is away?
I would really love some feedback or insight into the cultural traditions/background that might effect the relationship. Are there any other american pakistani couple experiences out there?
Re: American Muslim talking about marriage with Pakistani Muslim
Ask him first what cultural things are those which he enjoys and wants you to learn. Culture is something you do not learn , you adopt it or adapt to it.
I plan to adopt the aspects he enjoys and would like me to adopt. I value him as a person and would love to adopt some of the things that helped him become the person he is. I am definitely going to ask him tonight what parts of his culture are most important, then maybe I know what the starting point of all of this would be. I also told him that I am not against the idea of spending time with his sister or mom - who I think would be better teachers than he will be.
Re: American Muslim talking about marriage with Pakistani Muslim
To answer you question should you be worried? Well you can't do anything except put your trust in him. If he seems like he has been genuine then I am sure he won't back out on his word.
Re: American Muslim talking about marriage with Pakistani Muslim
We have discussed marriage and he said he could see himself marrying me in a year or so... but we are still figuring all of this out. His parents now know about me.
1) Since he sees himself marrying you within a year or so....does that mean you two consider yourselves engaged? What is preventing him from marrying you right now as opposed to a year from now?
2) Has he met your parents?
3) Has he given you a timeline or plans on when he will introduce you to his parents? Have you met ANYONE from his family at all (siblings, cousins?)
Re: American Muslim talking about marriage with Pakistani Muslim
1) We are not engaged, but the purpose of our getting to know one another is for marriage. I do not consider myself engaged, no. We do not live in the same states currently, and if you see my answers to the next questions that must come before we are engaged.
2) No I have no introduced him to my parents. This will happen around the same time that I meet his... which leads me to ->
3) A timeline for me to meet his parents would be in the coming 2 - 3 months. I will meet his cousins next time I travel to see him in the state he lives in. Either I would have to travel overseas or his parents would need to come here in order for us to meet. He and I have discussed my going to Pakistan, though I would prefer to meet them in the US.
Re: American Muslim talking about marriage with Pakistani Muslim
I am Pakistani, and my brother is married to an Arab-Canadian girl. My parents love her, and had no issue with my brother marrying her. She has integrated into our family really well, and my brother has also integrated into her family. The Pakistani cultural aspects that she follows are eating/cooking pakistani food (not all the time, but sometimes), and for special occasions she wear shalwaar kameez (pakistan cultural dress).
About him going to Pakistan, if you trust him and his word, then you shouldnt be worried. Also, if you have faith in Allah that whatever is meant for you will happen no matter what, then you shouldnt be worried.
Re: American Muslim talking about marriage with Pakistani Muslim
1) We are not engaged, but the purpose of our getting to know one another is for marriage. I do not consider myself engaged, no. We do not live in the same states currently, and if you see my answers to the next questions that must come before we are engaged.
2) No I have no introduced him to my parents. This will happen around the same time that I meet his... which leads me to ->
3) A timeline for me to meet his parents would be in the coming 2 - 3 months. I will meet his cousins next time I travel to see him in the state he lives in. Either I would have to travel overseas or his parents would need to come here in order for us to meet. He and I have discussed my going to Pakistan, though I would prefer to meet them in the US.
Knowing desi guys.....UNTIL you meet his parents and actually hear/see them approve of you and treat you as a potential DIL, do not assume that he will marry you. And yes, since he has not made any formal committments to you in any shape or form, unfortunately the possibility of him agreeing to marry another woman in Pakistan exists.
** On a side note: I may have misunderstood this but you wrote in the original post that he's going to Pakistan for possibly the next few months (ie. so he doesn't know how long he will be there? He doesn't have a return ticket booked?). And yet you're saying that there's plans of you meeting his parents in the next 2-3 months....and there's a chance his parents may travel to U.S. (according to him). Heck you can't even meet his cousins until he gets back from Pakistan right? And according to the original post, that's potentially in the next few months? So would this be before or after you meet the parents?
Going strictly by what I'm reading....this doesn't make sense to me. There seems to be too many variables floating in the air and not enough concrete decisions. Besides, the desis I know who travel to the U.S. generally plans it months in advance (ie. if his parents were planning on travelling here within the next 2-3 months...they'd already know that for sure by now). I dunno....but I find this part a bit worrying.
Either way.....remember he has made absolurely no formal committments to you. For your own sake, do not get your hopes up or make any marriage plans UNTIL you meet his parents.
Re: American Muslim talking about marriage with Pakistani Muslim
There is no uniform 'culture' for families in Pakistan. Some families are broadminded, accepting and accommodating. Some are very much entrenched into their 'customs' and 'traditions' and find it difficult to accept anything that 'challenges' their mindset.
The guys with Pakistani origin usually find it very difficult to go 'against' demands and pressures from their family. It would, therefore, be very prudent to go ahead only after a very strong commitment from the guy and some form of communication with his immediate family.
Re: American Muslim talking about marriage with Pakistani Muslim
Esenabel, have you heard him introducing you to his parents? Have you heard him talking about you to his family? Does his family know about you at all? If he only said to you that his family knows about you doesn't mean that his family also approves of you. His family might be calling him to Pakistan to show him girls and he might give in to their pressure of marrying a girl of their choice. If the family was planning to agree for you, they would be coming to US first before him going to Pakistan.
Try to meet his cousins before he leaves for Pakistan. This will give you some indication whether he will be seriously making efforts to make his parents agree for you. Still, this is no guarantee that he might not consider other girls in Pakistan and he will 'fight' for you with his parents.
Keep your expectations low girl. Don't invest yourself emotionally until he and his family makes a formal commitment with you and your family.
I am definitely going to ask him tonight what parts of his culture are most important, then maybe I know what the starting point of all of this would be.
I can tell you what will he tell you.
1. You will have to live with his parents for 3 years and treat them as god and godess.
2. You will have to learn to bake rotian(home cooked bread) in a clay oven in the middle of the sahan of their havailey.
3. You will have to wear shalwar kameez all the time.
4. You will have to learn to cook sarsoon da saag tay makai dee roti.
5. You will have to learn to milk the cows.
6. You will have to learn to churn the butter out of milk of the cows his parents own. That butter is used for layering the makai dee roti.
7. You will have to learn to till land owned by his family using bulls and tiller.
8. You will have to sing songs dancing around in the fields and hugging the trees while he stands still as a statue.
If you do not believe me watch some Lollywood movies to learn Pakistani culture.
Re: American Muslim talking about marriage with Pakistani Muslim
I can tell you what will he tell you.
1. You will have to live with his parents for 3 years and treat them as god and godess.
2. You will have to learn to bake rotian(home cooked bread) in a clay oven in the middle of the sahan of their havailey.
3. You will have to wear shalwar kameez all the time.
4. You will have to learn to cook sarsoon da saag tay makai dee roti.
5. You will have to learn to milk the cows.
6. You will have to learn to churn the butter out of milk of the cows his parents own. That butter is used for layering the makai dee roti.
7. You will have to learn to till land owned by his family using bulls and tiller.
8. You will have to sing songs dancing around in the fields and hugging the trees while he stands still as a statue.
If you do not believe me watch some Lollywood movies to learn Pakistani culture.
Re: American Muslim talking about marriage with Pakistani Muslim
i say you should be worried - within the limits of reason-ability, if he is going back for few months he can and/or may find someone else, culturally more better, speaking from my mind
but my gut feeling - (as a said on another discussion) it may be possible but not necessarily probable
by reading your post, you seem a very reasonable person, i suggest go with the flow and let things to turn out as they would
Re: American Muslim talking about marriage with Pakistani Muslim
lolzz
I can tell you what will he tell you.
1. You will have to live with his parents for 3 years and treat them as god and godess.
2. You will have to learn to bake rotian(home cooked bread) in a clay oven in the middle of the sahan of their havailey.
3. You will have to wear shalwar kameez all the time.
4. You will have to learn to cook sarsoon da saag tay makai dee roti.
5. You will have to learn to milk the cows.
6. You will have to learn to churn the butter out of milk of the cows his parents own. That butter is used for layering the makai dee roti.
7. You will have to learn to till land owned by his family using bulls and tiller.
8. You will have to sing songs dancing around in the fields and hugging the trees while he stands still as a statue.
If you do not believe me watch some Lollywood movies to learn Pakistani culture.
Re: American Muslim talking about marriage with Pakistani Muslim
The guys with Pakistani origin usually find it very difficult to go 'against' demands and pressures from their family. It would, therefore, be very prudent to go ahead only after a very strong commitment from the guy and some form of communication with his immediate family.
Re: American Muslim talking about marriage with Pakistani Muslim
Hello
I recently met a guy that is from Pakistan but went to undergrad/grad school in the US and has been here for over 12 years now. I am religious and so I do not think "dating" before marriage is okay. If you are going to talk to a man (we are both in our later 20's) it is for a more than friend purpose that will lead to marriage. We have discussed marriage and he said he could see himself marrying me in a year or so... but we are still figuring all of this out. His parents now know about me. He is well educated, has a great job and we have the same beliefs in every area. His company is working on his green card right now, so I do not believe that there is an underlying reason for him wanting to be with me. Our differences lie in our cultural backgrounds - I was born and raised in America. I am Arab-Muslim but he says I am more white than anything haha. I want to know if the cultural/family issues will be a big deal? He says that his parents will respect his decision so long as I am Muslim and willing to learn some of the cultural things that he enjoys. I am willing to do this as I do believe I might be in love with him. He is also going back to Pakistan for possibly a few months soon, and had we not met he knows that his parents wanted him to meet someone to marry while he is there. Should I be worried that he might meet someone anyway and get married while he is away?
I would really love some feedback or insight into the cultural traditions/background that might effect the relationship. Are there any other american pakistani couple experiences out there?
Best,
E
Don't involve yourself until he returns back from Pakistan, I hate to generalize and I don't want to doubt his intentions still I want to tell you what he MIGHT have in his mind.
As you mentioned his GC is in process so he might be in the stage of his I-485 where he can bring his spouse from Pakistan asap, as compared to once he gets his GC the waiting period is around 4-5 years for spouses to come to US.
I should be giving him a benefit of doubt but being realistic me I am thinking that he's just keeping you as a backup plan i.e. his GC approval date is coming near (taking in account of 12 years residency and based on the assumption of him taking the F1->H1 route for his GC) so in case he does not find any suitable rishta back home he can always come back to you and marry you.
But if he does find a young, pretty, desi, favored by his parents, humsafar's cultured heroine kindda girl he will make an excuse of his parents not being comfortable with the idea or you not being culturally compatible.
So take your steps with caution :) and best of luck