Hubbys started drinking again a few months ago and staying out very late till like 2 in the morn and he expects me to be cool with it. I had a feeling that there would soon be problems arising when he started drinking again in August. Cos thats where all the problems started from last time -his drinking and ayashi.
What hes saying now is that he wants me to let him be free to roam the streets at night and do as he pleases and he promises that he wont do what he did last time (other girls). Hes always got a problem if I ask to use his mobile as if hes got something to hide in there. On top of all that he’s a compulsive liar. I’ve tried to get him out of the habit but he just wont stop lying even when he doesnt need to.
Before august our life was plodding along nicely everything was fine and all of asudden he started drinking. He never used to want to go out and he was happy. Occasionally he would go out with his friends and I would nt mind because I had started to trust him again and it was only once in a while. In fact most of the time he would try to avoid going out and make excuses to his friends.
Hes even threatened divorce for a little thing like that.
So can you understand why I 'm upset that he wants to be out every single weekend night suddenly?
This is sad, both for you and for him. I am a pretty liberal person, my hubby enjoys his beer and I enjoy my wine. But never does it interfere with our lives. When it turns into the things that your husband is doing, thats definitely not good. At all. Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd calmly tell him that this is all unacceptable. Change it or I'm outta here. Then I'd DO it...go home to my family. That would straighten out his butt pretty quick and you could return to him. OR it would give him what he's really looking for - freedom to roam like an alley cat. Think about your children having an alley cat as a dad. Not good. It takes much courage to actually take extreme steps like this but you need to consider your future and the future of your children....
I wish you the very best in this tough situation
ebrima: I know couple friends in the same situation.....best thing is to communicate and cry out ur feelings out to him and tell him how much it hurts whenever he does these things. If hes a bit sincere, he would appologize and maybe will try to change..if that doesnt maybe u should just "iGGY" him for some time.
Furqan, this is good advice when its a guy who will listen and care about the feelings of his wife...but when a wife gets threatened with divorce for something as small as calling his cell phone while he's out prowling....not sure that your advice would work in that kind of situation...
You have every right to be upset ebrima. Are there kids involved? Does anybody else other than you know about this problem of his, meaning his family? Being unfaithful is unacceptable in any circumstances and it takes a very strong person to forgive past 'mistakes' and attempt to carry on with the marriage, but when there is a chance of it happening again, it's extremely difficult to 'forgive' a second time.
Your husband behaving like this knowing how you feeling about it is totally disrespectful. If you can't walk away, then perhaps you need to get some outside help (his parents???) who could possibly straighten him out.
Your husband drinks, and already cheated on your before, and according to your own words he's a "complusive liar" who apparantly doesn't have any respect for you.....
I'm also baffled as to why you're willing to put up with all this? When a person treats you like crap, if you don't respect/care enough about yourself to get out of the situation, then no one out there can help you.
It sounds like you've tried talking to him. He used to drink before and cheated on you. You forgave him and things were good for a while. Now it sounds like he's starting his old behavior again. How many time do you plan on forgiving him for disrespecting your marriage? If you have kids right now, OR end up having kids in the future, do you want his man to be their role model? Your want you son(or future son) to look upto this man and become like him?
This is one toughest of the situations. I feel sorry that u have to go through all this. Leave him for some time on his own, if he loves u he'll get back to u. But if he doesnt you dont have to waste ur time and life on a man like this.
I think u should try involving his parents as well as urs in it to sort out this mess... if he can't seem to change.. go home for a bit n let things cool.. once and if he realzies that u are the most important person in his life, he work around his habits to keep u in his life.
Seriously thou, how n why have u dealt with a man liek that
I really, really was going to write something very similar to this.
I know that it’s a hard decision, but some people really don’t want to understand. In that case you have to get rid of him. He’s making a mess out of his own life. Don’t let him make a mess out of your life and that of your children as well.
Thanks for replying guys.
Hes not a monster as it may come across, he can be really sweet most of the time but I just cant get over why he wants to spend all his time away from me and the kids.
mamaof3 - I dont know if I wasnt clear but you seem to have misunderstood me. Its not when i call him that hes annoyed. Its when I look at his mobile or I need to use it he doesnt like it and that makes me suspicious cos I think what is it in there that he doesnt want me to see?
Shweetdreamz - If only he had any money. I'm the breadwinner here. Even though he wont admit it. Hes always complaining about my work, yet if I didnt work I dont know how we would cope. He doesnt know which side his breads buttered.
Lost - He doesnt think about anything that happened in the past he acts as if nothing has happened. He just asks me "whats the reason you wont let me stay out?" I dont want have to bring up the past so I dont say anything..
I would have kicked him out the first time but I'm sorry to say that I dont have a supportive family so I've been putting up with it. But who knows I think either way some sort of decision has to be made this weekend. I'll let you know what progresses.
I will pray to Allah to make it better for you and your kids. It is indeed a sad situation and I have to salute you for the patience you have shown, surely Allah will reward that. It takes a second for everyone to jump onto the conclusion of divorce but you have actually forgiven someone like him and are still trying to ur best to help him.
1- He stays out til 2 AM
2- He has started drinking AGAIN
3- He is a compulsive liar
4- He won't let you see his mobile phone
5- Has threatened to divorce
6- Has cheated on you at least once in the past
and add to all this, YOU ARE THE BREADWINNER in this household!!!
My friend had a similar case. She is a nurse and her husband some construction worker. They got married in very early age had 3 boys and were living their usual American life. In the middle of their marriage the guy just went away, started drinking and losing his temper. One day he attacked her and tried to choke her with a telephone cord. Her kids called 911 and now she is trying to get the divorce. As some of the members said, it is a tough situation indeed. You are not only married but have kids with him. Look at this way, if he is disrespectful to you and your family & doesn't care about your feelings and family then why stay? His priorities seem very different than yours.
You get only one life. Still you can make it better for yourself and your kids but in the end it is your decision. If both of you can reach a middle ground than it isn't bad either. I wish you best of luck. May God make things better for you and your family.
Hey it isnt that easy. Esp when you're the female half of a relationship - then even if you get the "short end" it still sometimes seems better than no end at all. I had a situation like this and it was extremely difficult to extract myself from it. My self esteem was below the freezing point and although I was earning tons of money, I didnt have the confidence to go out on my own - and I didnt have kids at that point. Its very hard to face a failed marriage, give it up and go out on your own.
So - COURAGE to you Ms Ebrima. You will need it but you can DO it!! Its hard but so very well worth the effort when things are this bad.
Since you are the breadwinner and not dependent on him except for emotional support / maybe babysitting the kids while you work, I think you can separate. In this situation, I think it will actually give you peace of mind. Good Luck! You are a very courageous woman to have forgiven him multiple times!