hey guys I was hoping you could really help me out with this situation here. My husband and I have been married for 2 years now, and it was an arranged marriage. For the past 2 years we have been living alone, while my husbands parents are living in Pakistan. I was aware of the fact before marriage that in 2 years time they will be leaving Pakistan and moving in with us.
However since I have been married, my husband and I have not have a good relationship. We have been fighting since we got married, and we just don’t get along. This all has to do with the fact that I didn’t analyze my husband much before saying yes to this arranged marriage. After things not improving on changes he needs to make, I am almost at the point where I really need to evaluate whether I need to stay or leave in this marriage before things get even worse or I end up pregnant (don’t have any kids right now) and it will be even harder to make a decision at that point. Yes we have our days where we get along as its just the two of us living in one house, but I don’t envision a future with him at times. Don’t get me wrong I really do NOT want a divorce and really pray hard and really have been trying to fix this marriage, but I feel like It might not work out in the future. All in all, we are really working on our marriage at this point.
My husband just announced that his parents are coming soon to live with us, as their 2 years is over and now is the time. However I am going through such a difficult time, because I spoke with him about how I do not want his parents moving in with us at this time because we are going through a difficult time and them moving with us is just going to make things even more difficult. How can I respect his parents when I don’t even respect him at times? I am dreading it with a passion and don’t know what to do. I feel really bad saying that I don’t want his parents moving with us because it makes me look bad because where are they supposed to go? I mean they could stay in India longer…but “according to the plan” they are supposed to come live with us in 2 years. And yes his parents know we are having difficult times with our marriage, and yet parents nor son see this as “not the right time to move in.”
Whenever I tell my husband this, he says I consented to this fact 2 years ago when I agreed to marry him. However at that time I did not know that things will be like this. What do I do?? How can I have a conversation about this without sounding like a ruthless, uncaring cliched daughter in law/wife?
I hate how 'taking care of parents' equates with perfectly able and independent adults moving into a home with you. If I was a mom, I really would avoid moving in with my kids until I am disabled, in a bed, stroked out, unable to move and change my diapers on my own. In which case, I'd have a living will that would tell them either put me in a nursing home or make me DNR.
However, I'd actually embrace the change if I were you. 1. He cannot act like a douche when his parents are around watching him. 2) If you guard yourself and make sure to act like a perfect bahu, maybe his parents will watch his behavior and fix it. and 3) If I were in your shoes, I'd talk to his mom in my spare time than him, because clearly, he's not fun to interact with.
I guess a man will wake up when his wife is spending late night up with MIL talking and gossipping away , and not coming to bed. ;)
2 years... jus think if u go thru dis 20 years n regret y u didnt take a stand earlier...
u agreed they will move in after 2 years ... it isnt easy now to say NO.... does any bro of ur hubby live there or can ur hubby afford to rent an appartment for them... n yess if they r too old to live in a separate flat i guess ur hubby wont agree... i know u dont want to sound like a typical daughter in law... but where else can they stay if not with you?
Pcg is right maybe ur in laws can fix him... maybe he changes after seeing you taking care n paying attention to his parents...he then realize dat u re doing enuf for them so he can also do something for u... n if he doesnt than maybe its easier for u to decide
Do you get along with your in-laws because nowhere in your original post have you mentioned that you have issues with them. If you've a good relationship with them, then maybe their moving in might improve your marriage. If your in-laws are fair-minded, they can guide their son. You said that "things are not improving cuz of the changes he needs to make".....well, are there any changes that you need to make on your end to strengthen the marriage?
I think the in-laws should move in. What if you manage to work things out with your husband and then the in-laws add another wrinkle to the relationship that you can't overcome?
By everyone living together, this is an opportunity for everyone to either learn to work towards a positive relationship or figure out that the relationship can't survive - but at least now you'll have all of the information as opposed to having to deal with an changed dynamic later.
And as the posters said, either the in-laws will help you solidify your marriage and help both you and your husband overcome your conflicts or they themselves will present an element to the relationship that you're unwilling to work with.
So I’m supposed to tell my mom that she can’t live with me, when she spent a good part of her life raising me by herself. How is that fair?
Besides what’s going to cost me more, getting her a place of her own or keeping her with me. I mean, not all of us are millionaires over here.
If she finds somebody, gets married and moves out, that’s great. But I really can’t force her to go rishta hunting. “Mom, go find yourself a partner or live alone on your own, cause I sure ain’t keeping you.” How classy.
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I hate how 'taking care of parents' equates with perfectly able and independent adults moving into a home with you. If I was a mom, I really would avoid moving in with my kids until I am disabled, in a bed, stroked out, unable to move and change my diapers on my own. In which case, I'd have a living will that would tell them either put me in a nursing home or make me DNR.
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Perhaps because they raised him and clothed him while he was little (general of everyone) and depending upon the son, they might have paid for his education as well. They could have thrown him away in garbage after getting tired of his crying as well. What you are saying here is applicable to a western mindset where you have Social security, 401 k's etc but what kind of financial and psychological protections does an old couple have in Pakistan other than if they own their own home (no property taxes?). Pakistan already was found to be one of the worst places to be an old person in the world. I also doubt that a catty person like you would actually let go of their own daughters / sons when she is herself old. I know because one of my cousin's engagement broke because the MIL wanted the DIL to live with her after marriage while the son was away at dental school at another state. Of course, she refused and she is the same person who argues that why should she take care of the grandmother as she is not her family.
I expect my brothers n their future wife to tc of my parents n respect them. So how can i do the opposite n let my in laws live alone or something.... its easy wat u expect others to do ... u need to do it first....
i m not married nor is any one of my brothers.
But i will never mind mrrying someone who wants to live in a joint family system
or wont reject a guy coz his mum is gonna live with us... the reason 4 dis is simple... i jus turned 21 but when m 61 yrs old n alone n maybe not as healthy as yet, do i want my kids to leave me n live alone? Do i want my brothers to go n live alone? No i dont want to...
jaisa karo ge waisa bharo ge... aaj main wafa karungi to koi mere bhurappe mein mujhse wafa karega... life can be soo simple but dont know why lot of ppl became cold souls
If in laws dont want to live with u dats another thing but if u see they are not in gud health n need care then u shuld imagine ur parents in the same situation or jo faisla apne maa baap ke liye hota wohi in laws ke liye hona chahiyeh
I hate how 'taking care of parents' equates with perfectly able and independent adults moving into a home with you. If I was a mom, I really would avoid moving in with my kids until I am disabled, in a bed, stroked out, unable to move and change my diapers on my own. In which case, I'd have a living will that would tell them either put me in a nursing home or make me DNR.
However, I'd actually embrace the change if I were you. 1. He cannot act like a douche when his parents are around watching him. 2) If you guard yourself and make sure to act like a perfect bahu, maybe his parents will watch his behavior and fix it. and 3) If I were in your shoes, I'd talk to his mom in my spare time than him, because clearly, he's not fun to interact with.
I guess a man will wake up when his wife is spending late night up with MIL talking and gossipping away , and not coming to bed. ;)
Yes, it goes like this. Your mom and dad will raise you till you become a good person. They will Put their hard earned money to send you through college. And when your are ready to earn great amount and all, they would marry you to some nazuk Pakistani haseena, who would take over you, become Malik of all your money and question you for every penny that you ever want to spend on your parents.
And God forbid if your parents ever get in the situation where they need to move in with you, then you have to choose between them or the nazuk haseena that you married.
Perhaps because they raised him and clothed him while he was little (general of everyone) and depending upon the son, they might have paid for his education as well. They could have thrown him away in garbage after getting tired of his crying as well. What you are saying here is applicable to a western mindset where you have Social security, 401 k's etc but what kind of financial and psychological protections does an old couple have in Pakistan other than if they own their own home (no property taxes?). Pakistan already was found to be one of the worst places to be an old person in the world. I also doubt that a catty person like you would actually let go of their own daughters / sons when she is herself old. I know because one of my cousin's engagement broke because the MIL wanted the DIL to live with her after marriage while the son was away at dental school at another state. Of course, she refused and she is the same person who argues that why should she take care of the grandmother as she is not her family.
I agree with most of what you've said except the bolded portion. Why would a girl get married to live with her in-laws without her husband? Was the girl given the option to1) live with her husband in the state he was studying, 2) delay the wedding until he graduated, or 3) live with her own parents until her husband graduated?
I agree with most of what you've said except the bolded portion. Why would a girl get married to live with her in-laws without her husband? Was the girl given the option to1) live with her husband in the state he was studying, 2) delay the wedding until he graduated, or 3) live with her own parents until her husband graduated?
The option was that they would get married and she would live at MIL's house until the cousin would finish his education and move back home. Highly unusual but I guess it is a judge to the possessive nature of many a women.
Uhmmmmm why should a woman live in someone else's house withOUT her husband??? Makes no sense whatsoever, and no it doesn't maek her possessive or whatever crap names/judgments being flung at her here. Seriously, why do you ppl lack so much logic.
to aur kya!