Am I Wrong for Saying This??

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Am I Wrong for Saying This??

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There is a difference between a son who takes care of his parents, when his parents need medical help, cannot live alone, one parent left alone after the other spouse passes away and living alone in dangerous areas like areas in Pakistan, etc

versus

the son who stays with his parents and never moves out --> *newsflash : you are not supporting your parents, they are supporting you. *

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Re: Am I Wrong for Saying This??

And in scenarios like this, where the parents move in with the kids, there is no need for the son to be "caring" for his parents. Those parents typically already have a home they live in, a place where they live, and those parents USUALLY own those homes.

These scenarios happen, not because the parents need to be cared for, but because they're looking to get away from Pakistan and son now has a visa so let's go get on a plane, OR they're living abroad and just disconnected from their kids.

We have plenty of guys in my family, no one has moved in with their son. Sons move out, with their wife. Or if they can't afford a new place, common in Pakistan, then they carve out a new quarters in their parents home for them and their wife for privacy.

The concept of "I need to care for the parents that clothed me" is just an excuse for dependence on the family. You can care for them, while they live in another living space. The moms in our family live in the home they've always lived in, no one needs to take care of anyone thank God. Everyone takes care of themselves.

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Re: Am I Wrong for Saying This??

what if the girls parents moved in with the couple haha. Worth thinking about.

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Re: Am I Wrong for Saying This??

Wrong.

I live with my parents..and takes care of them financially. I have lived by myself for many years..and moved back with them. And i think..parents are huge blessing. And i would never leave my parents. I do not care..what anyone says. There are couple of GS members..who knows my family very well..and they can assure you..that there are sons..who are there for their parents every step like myself. When they as a parent..were there..when i was young..and now it is my time to cash in with blessing. Ya..every relationship is not perfect..and world is not perfect either. And my parents..have given me choice to move out or live with them..with no problem or emotional issue at all. I personally do not critique those sons..who chose to move out. This is their choice..and if they take care of their parents..while living away. Well..more power to them. Stop making this remarks about sons..who choose to with parents. Critiquing will do you no good. Let yourself and other people be.

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OP has not really commented on her rel'p with her in laws at all.

If he mistreats her then the parents moving in is a good thing.

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A girl's parents should have the same right, I don't see why desi guys should be objecting.

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So they are requiring your income to live? Why don't they continue with the work they were doing previously? You do realize if you make them stop working, you will hurt them more? Usually, people who keep moving and working live longer and healthier lives than people who sit at home and do nothing.

Now I doubt your parents are sitting at home doing nothing, entirely reliant on you. Maybe you help them out, but I doubt your dad really needs you to. In fact, most fathers are independent financially until they stroke out or something bad happens.

;)

Nice try though.

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^Really..now the assumptions and stereotyping rolling in. You're no different than..those aunties who do.

My mom works..professionally in her field. Dad runs his own business..you're seriously getting yourself in trap. And btw..i am not "trying" to put you down or anything. Just letting you know that..you're being the victim of stereotype. It definitely makes me angry..that people like you take every angle so negatively.

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:konfused: Not that it has anything to do with the issue, but are they in Pak or India?

Well, yea, 2 years ago when you married your husband you didn’t know things were going to be how they are now. You also don’t know how things will be 2 years from now. If his parents are nice people or not doesn’t matter, in this situation, in my honest opinion. You knew 2 years ago that they would be moving in with you after a certain time period for what ever reason. your personal conflicts and problems don’t have anything to do with their issue. So to answer your question, no it’s not wrong of you do say feel that way, but if I was your husband, I wouldn’t want to work harder to fix current issues with a new conflict being created out of something that doesn’t need to be an issue.
Your issues with your husband are between you two. Unless they are directly involved, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t respect them as your in-laws…

You never know, respecting them might make things easier to fix between you and your hubs.

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Right. My point exactly. In most cases, the sons are actually not supporting their parents, they're just living in the same house as their parents, because it's cheaper and the families are close. So families are supporting their adult sons, not the other way around.

In the OP's case, the family is moving in with HER, in HER home that she's made with her husband. Probably like your family, they are independent parents, who just feel like they need to move in, because that's what parents do. They move in, and invade your personal life, and in the name of religion, DIL's have to deal with it, when the religion dictates no such thing.

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Some people really need to learn that their way is not the only way and that any other way is not wrong. If it doesnt happen in your family then good for you. Don't use your family as a rolemodel or perfect example of how it should be.

'Live and let live' proves to be a very difficult concept every time for some people (especially the ones who use it as their motto).

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I think you should let your parents in law come and live with you esp when it was agreed between you and husband before marriage. Its really bad to agree to things before marriage and then backing off , it was important for your husband to have his parents live with him that is why he discussed it with you before you both got married , if you had disagreed to that may be he wouldn't have married you.

Plus , you don't have any solid reason to object on this because you haven't really lived with them , hopefully they are very nice and with their blessings relationship b/w you and your would get better.

I would suggest you to welcome your parents in law with an open heart and give your going-to-be relationship with them a chance.

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You gave your agreement, either live with it or bear the consequences. Honestly now that you two know that you have issues with each other at least the inlaws wouldn't have to take the blame. They actually just might be a good distraction :).

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Let them come and stay with you. Buzarguki dwaa se ghar mein barkat hoti hai

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Am I Wrong for Saying This??

Op, I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here. Look, I know it sucks, on top of a bad situation this in your mind will just make things worse. However I think you are filling your mind with preconceived notions of what it will be like to be living with your inlaws (obviously negative notions) instead of thinking more positively. Easier said than done, I know.

Look, I have been there, I get that part. It's hard to think positively in such a bad environment surrounded by nothing but chaos and drama. Its less about having to live with inlaws but more about your lack of privacy and freedom that you lose living with other people. People don't understand this part, ever. That everyone has a right to their own space, freedom to live the way they want and privacy in their own home.

That being said, I think you need to look at the bigger picture, which is trying to really WORK on your marriage instead of focusing on not wanting his parents to live with you. I know it sucks really bad but in reality what can you really do?! You agreed to this and what other options does your husband have? It will make your husband resent you more by saying no now to something you basically signed up for "because you didn't know." That's life. Things dont go the way we plan sometimes (or most of the time.) You have to learn to make the best out of each situation by adapting and having it work for you.

Forget about playing games like how some people have said by using the inlaws to get at your husband or something like that but you SHOULD at least give things a chance. Do not write off something that hasn't even taken place. Sometimes when people are in a destructive situation they talk up a big game saying they want change but forget to actually put in the work themselves or simply just don't know how. I think you and your husband need to sit down with and objectively look at your own behaviors and consider what kinds of commitments you need to make to change your marriage for the better, if you actually want it to last. I know you say you do, but what have YOU done in your position to help the situation. Not necessarily on a grand scale but the little things you do day to day that form the basis of the routine you two have and the foundation of your relationship. Everyone has to make sacrifices and compromises in a marriage and there is nothing wrong with having to sit down think about everything that is and isn't working to date. That's what marriage is about. It takes work and if things weren't so bad to begin with this is something I would have never realized on my own. Each person has to pull their own weight whether its things like bringing in income by going to work everyday or making sure to have dinner together every night at the end of the day. It takes two to run a smooth household. Nothing is to big or to small and neither one of you should be looking at each other with expectations and thinking in your mind "well I do this so he/she should be doing this in return." Counting your gestures, big or small only makes you think the other person isn't doing enough. Leaving you with unmet expectations. Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate even if its something like taking out the garbage.. Every gesture counts.

It's hard to really focus on what the problem in your marriage is because this is a public forum and of course not knowing anything about your situation I can only speak in a general sense. That 2-5 year mark in my opinion is so important in a marriage because those are the years that make or break a relationship between two people. It's the time that the honeymoon phase is over and reality is not as romantic as you initially thought but that's why it takes work to make it what you want. Nothing in life has ever come that easy right? Anything you have ever wanted, a degree, a car, a nice house, new clothes have always involved some kind of effort right? So why would something so huge like a marriage be any less different? Think about that. EVERYTHING in life takes work, nothing is ever handed down (unless your a royal of some sort) so a loving husband and perfect marriage are exactly the same.

My general advice for you would be to consider talking to a marriage counselor, a marriage coach or any other trained professionals that are trained to help young, somewhat newly wed people through difficult situations. I would do this before other people are in the picture if you can but its okay if that's not the case. There is nothing wrong with talking to someone. In my opinion, you are already thinking that you may want an out from this whole thing but have you really done everything you possibly could to resolve the problems that are the cause of everything. At the same time, I remember seeing somewhere in the post that you expected him to change, that's a huge expectation of someone, even a husband who loves a wife more than anything. Get real, he's still human. If you expect someone to change but not consider what it is that YOU need to change about yourself at the same time, I'm telling you, you will be waiting a very long time to get what you want. Things work two ways and I'm not saying this directly to you but a gentle reminder because we forget sometimes. Stop with the expectations and work with what you have. Think objectively and not emotionally and put in the effort to make those changes. If at the end you feel you have possibly tried everything you could then it may be time to consider other options (divorce, separation or whatever it maybe be, at least you know you did your best.) Just know that there is always something you could do, it's never that hopeless.

If everything always turned out the way we perfectly imagined, how possibly could we as human beings grow if we didn't have our mistakes to learn from.

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Re: Am I Wrong for Saying This??

OP, you need to focus on your marriage first. I disagree with the folks who are saying that parents moving in will save your marriage. It's just like saying having a baby will save your marriage. A 3rd person cannot save your marriage unless you learn to love and respect each other. Focus on resolving your issues first. What is the underlying reason for the fights you're having? What can you and your husband compromise on to improve your relationship? Look at the positives - what do you like about your husband? Take a vacation together so you are not disturbed by other everyday stuff.

Secondly, how is your relationship with the in laws? Are you dreading their coming over because of anything they've said/done in the past? Or is it more because you are afraid of the change in your day to day life? Is there a way you can set them up with independent living space within your house so you get your privacy too? There ARE positives to having elders in the house, though there is obviously stuff you have to sacrifice too. If/when you have kids, you'll be glad for the extra help. Perhaps you'll have to sacrifice less on the career front.

Instead of telling your husband that you don't want his parents over, try telling him that you want to build on your relationship first.

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People aren't saying that parents moving in will solve things. They're saying that, from the sounds of it, the guy is adamant about parents moving in. She can bring up concerns about working on the relationship but he has already ignored these requests in the past. She might as well see if the parents can help, or what the "full" situation (living with in-laws) is like before they have kids, in case she wants a divorce.

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Ghostie summed it up very well. The in-laws are an inevitable change to the relationship - if not today, then tomorrow they will move in. Why not figure out whether the relationship in its totality is workable, with all of the elements in play. And having the in-laws live with the couple gives the OP the opportunity to evaluate herself (and not just her husband) - maybe she's the one who lacks the patience to make a relationship work or live with in-laws.

It's not just about can the husband "better" himself, its about the wife/OP as well. Can each of them live together and have a successful relationship in the long-term which will one day include the parents.

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I was referring to this post